Ask a Transexual

[Suzanne F]

No one here is going to push you out if you don't have SRS. I have friends all over the spectrum as far as genitals. It is your business. If you will always be curious then I would say have sex in that way with someone who understands that you are there just to experience sex. Some of TS people hate sex in the stereotypical way and some live it. I had a difficult time continuing to function in that way with my wife but I did it as ling as I could for her. That is the key I am in love with someone and it was about her.
Suzanne

[LeaP]

"Sort it out" in the sense of figuring out who and what you are, what you want, what you need, and separating the various factors that collide or complicate things.

OF COURSE you can dig up all kinds of threads that appear to contradict others, or that appear to contradict members' own posts. Not all people are logical. Threads speak to a million emphases and subtleties. People develop and change. (A lot here, in fact.) Trans people in discovery and crisis can be simultaneously confused and need help ... all while being combative.

You post as though you expect to find some universal truth regarding sex and trans people. There isn't one. (Repeat 3 times.)

Re your "should I ..." questions: Since you appear to be in the mode of throwing objections and roadblocks, let me offer yet another piece of common advice in addition to the therapist advice you are already getting. To wit - go and do something (rather than talk about it) and see what happens. Adjust direction and thinking as indicated. If you are trans, you'll wind doing a lot of that ...

[TSKimberly]

Well... I guess this leads to my next question...

What to do if I can't afford a therapist and will probably never have access to one?

[Georgette_USA]

Kimberly
I don't know your age or circumstances.

As Miss Danielle has said :
I know plenty of trans women who were virgins before they started transitioning. Some of us experience dysphoria if we are placed into the "male role" during sex.

I am one of those people, was still a virgin at 26. Had NO interest in men before. I had thought of the should I have M to F sex before. But what is one supposed to do, find a prostitute. Not sure I could have done it anyway.

As for the after SRS. I had sex with some men, and it was OK but never could develop a relationship. I had multiple F to F sex and that was what I dreamed of before SRS. I had a long term partner, also a MtF TS, for 38 years. She was not crazy about sex after 10 years or so. But relationships are not always just about sex.

[PretzelGirl]

Kimberly, try contacting your local Pride/LGBTQ Center, if you have one. Sometimes that can send you to appropriate resources.

And please, if anyone says you need to do "X" to decide if you are trans and "X" is anything but a therapist guiding you through your thoughts so that you can decide, then run.

[LeaP]

Pastoral counselors are often low or no-charge. Just ENSURE that you go to someone tolerant whose interest is counseling and not evangelism. Start with the Metropolitan Church and google "welcoming churches."

[Cristy2]

Not sure how to ask this without sounding totally loonie. My question is for the transsexuals who have stepped out in public. My question is, aside from obviously fear, what is the hardest part to stepping out and what gave you the strength and courage to overcome that obstacle?

[Zooey]

Cristy, you may be asking this in the wrong forum. ALL of the women here who have transitioned step out in public, every single day. We are women, and we live our lives as women.

If you're asking about crossdressers who go out in public (which is a minority, AFAICT), you would be better served in the CD forum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?1-Male-to-Female-Crossdressing).

If you specifically want to know more about what life as a woman is like from our perspective, then feel free to ask.

[Melissa Rose]

Christy, I am going to flip your question around. The easier part was stepping out. The harder part was not stepping out and, for various reasons, keeping everything suppressed for so long. Speaking very broadly, the need becomes so great that it drives you rather than strength and courage. You do it because you have to and not because you found enough strength and courage.

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to agree with Melissa (to no surprise). I am assuming you are talking about the first time we came out of our hiding and felt the sun. The first thing is, it didn't happen this way for all of us. For me, I didn't know I was going to transition, but I damn sure needed to get out and experience life in real terms instead of how I was doing it. For me, it really came down to the same reason I transitioned. I had to do it as I couldn't continue the way I was living.

[Marcelle]

Hi Christy,

Expanding on Melissa's and Sue's response it really wasn't about courage but more self survival. Being military with several deployments, I have done things not because of courage or bravery but for the base instinct of self survival . . . I had to do it in order to continue. Going out for the first time (given hindsight now as back then I thought of myself as CD) there was nothing driving that but pure need to finally say . . . I am here, the way I was meant to be and to have not done that, it would have caused more harm than good.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Cristy, I'm wondering if your post meant something more than we are seeing.

If you are asking about pre-transition transsexuals, you may not get many responses. For me before transition, the hardest thing was not being able to be totally honest, but what enabled me to overcome that was not strength or courage, it was sheer desperation.

If you are asking about those who are in transition or have transitioned, then as others have said we have had to step out in public because this is who we are.

[Cristy2]

Thank you for your responses ladies. Like I said, I'm not sure how to word what I'm trying to ask and yes, it is very possible that I am asking in the wrong forum. However, most of the replies did bring up a point of view that I honestly never really took a deep look into and most definitely needs to be examined. Thank you again.

[KymberlyOct]

Not sure how to ask this without sounding totally loonie. My question is for the transsexuals who have stepped out in public. My question is, aside from obviously fear, what is the hardest part to stepping out and what gave you the strength and courage to overcome that obstacle?

Cristy, I am probably closer to where you are than most of the members replying to this thread right now. Most of these members are living their lives full time as women. I am just starting my transition. Meeting with doctors, started seeing a transgender therapist, getting consultations. I think I know what you are asking. What tipped the scales to make someone move forward?

The real answer and short answer is = I had to. At some point you just know. You feel it in your soul. This is what I have to do. The only courageous part if there is one is your own fear of other people's opinions. I still feel it too. But I truly don't feel I have a choice. Well I guess I do. I could live the rest of my years sad, phony and unfulfilled.

Bottom line IMHO is you just know. And this is one of the few things that I currently have experience to give answers on. :-)

[Mirya]

Not sure how to ask this without sounding totally loonie. My question is for the transsexuals who have stepped out in public. My question is, aside from obviously fear, what is the hardest part to stepping out and what gave you the strength and courage to overcome that obstacle?

As a transsexual who only started transitioning recently, and who used to [incorrectly] identify as a cross-dresser, let me give you my perspective. I actually have a lot of cross-dresser friends, so I think I understand your question. Thing is, the essence of your question is confusing to many of us transsexuals because it is worded from a seemingly cross-dresser's point of view. You wrote, "aside from obviously fear"... as if fear is a major factor. Yes, fear is a major factor for cross-dressers before they go out, but for transsexuals it's not about fear. As others have already said, we do it because we have to, not because we finally mustered the courage to overcome our fear.

[I Am Paula]

The first time I ever put on women's clothes, years before realizing I needed to transition, I finished dressing, and said -Now what?
So I went out. Stayed out for the rest of my life. Besides, I was out of milk, and bread.
There was no process to it. I was fabulous, knew it, and needed to be out.

[KymberlyOct]

Paula, Besides I was out of milk and bread. Hilarious !!!

[arbon]

Fear was really the only obstacle I had to over come. My first time out dressed in female clothing I was scared to death. Went to a support group for the first time, out of town. After the meeting all went out to dinner in public and it blew me away how comfortable and secure those women were in who they were. I was a nervous wreck that night though. :) Soon after I started going out locally which was difficult because everyone knew me just had to deal with the stares and laughs for a while, but that did not last too long.

After that it was a lot easier. Something I had to do and get used to, and you find out it is not a big deal really.

[becky77]

Other than TG friendly clubs which in this scenario don't count, I never went out.
I knew I had to transition, I had reached that point and as Arbon said I was scared silly but I wasn't doing it for fun I had to face down the fear and make it part of my life.

Fake it till you make it.
Look confident and like you belong then one day you are and you do. Nothing is more obvious than someone awkward and looking out of place (other than dressing differently to the norm!).

[tgirlamc]

Hi Cristy!!!!

Before I went out in public the first time, I always pictured it going down something like the end of a Frankenstein movie with lots of rotten fruit and vegetables being thrown at me and villagers chasing me with torches and pitchforks.... My first time out was much less dramatic... I went to an LGBT bar and no angry villagers appeared... My decision to transition was made very early in the process and I knew I couldn't live a real life in the bubble of a safe zone so I just jumped in the deep end of the pool and started going everywhere life took me...The bank, the store, the veterinarians office etc... All the mundane stuff of life!!! To this day, years later, I have not had a bad reaction or unkind word from anyone.

I have people tell me that taking on the things that we do, going through the surgeries etc is brave but I don't feel that I am... I am only doing what I have to do to live MY life.

Take Care
Ashley :)

[MissDanielle]

Other than TG friendly clubs which in this scenario don't count, I never went out.
I knew I had to transition, I had reached that point and as Arbon said I was scared silly but I wasn't doing it for fun I had to face down the fear and make it part of my life.

Fake it till you make it.
Look confident and like you belong then one day you are and you do. Nothing is more obvious than someone awkward and looking out of place (other than dressing differently to the norm!).I didn't go out either...and was living part time in my apartment. With the amount of facial hair and regrowth, passing in public was never gonna happen without a lot of laser.

[LeaP]

Most people stepping out for the first time I have to deal with fear ... But the reasons they are fearful differ. One of my coping mechanisms in dealing with hiding who I am has been withdrawal. Although this has eased with time and HRT, I'm still introverted and tend to be socially averse. I intensely disliked being the center of intention when I have been the least bit uncomfortable, and that has included 100% of situations with strangers present. So my fear of being outed or ridiculed during those first times out was off the charts. And what happened? Nothing. People glanced at me, mostly unconsciously. They opened doors for me and smiled at me. They were nice. I'm not especially passable, either.

The way I look at it is this: The vast majority of people won't notice you at all. Only some of those who do will think there is something different about you. A few of those will see a trans person and think nothing of it. And a very few will have some sort of issue with trans people. But even most of THOSE won't say or do anything. To be completely candid, I get far more confused or dirty looks in drab these days, presumably because I look somewhat androgynous or effeminate. No facial hair at all anymore. No hiding breast development, the softening of my features, or my general body shape, which has feminized in some ways. I'm seldom gendered female – my hairline alone prevents that - but I'm actually more uncomfortable presenting male nonetheless.

[Cristy2]

Once again, thank you to each and every one of you for your replies. You all have been in your own way very helpful and some of you brought up angles that I have never even considered, much less looked at.

[GBJoker]

Random thought I wanted to pose to others here. Despite how much several of us want to be female as much as possible within physical and financial restraints, does any one feel uncomfortable being around GGs?

I absolutely hate it. I go out of my way to avoid contact with GGs. Barely got through school and work because of it.

What about you all? (Even though I know what most people's answer will be...)

[I Am Paula]

Since transition, all my friends are genetic women. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have a coffee or lunch with a bunch of them.
I have trouble relating to men, I don't dislike them, but don't have a lot to say to them.

[Melissa Rose]

All of my closest friends are cis-women with one exception and I work with almost all cis-women. I am more comfortable working with and being friends with women than with men.

[Mirya]

GBJoker, why do you feel uncomfortable around cis women? It's one thing to feel a bit uneasy around them, but if you're going out of your way to avoid contact, that's another thing entirely. Why do you think that is?

[jentay1367]

I absolutely adore the company of women. The friendships I have with them have been the best in my life.

[Kate T]

I sort of understand what you are getting at GBJoker. Particularly early in transition it can be very daunting as you are constantly thinking of a group of women "do they accept me as a woman or are they just being polite and then laughing at me behind my back".

That being said I don't have particular prediliction for associating with either gender spectacularly though I probably connect with women more than men.

But men are soooooo gullible and eager to please it can be fun to play with them and mess with their heads sometimes :devil: (in a safe, fun way of course).

[Rianna Humble]

Random thought I wanted to pose to others here. Despite how much several of us want to be female as much as possible within physical and financial restraints, does any one feel uncomfortable being around GGs?

I'm sorry, Joker, you are well wide of the mark here. None of the transitioners in this section want to be female. Either we are here because we are female misclassified as male at birth, or we are here because we are male misclassified as female at birth.

As to my answer to your question, I feel very comfortable in the presence of GGs, I also feel comfortable in the presence of trans women, trans men, non binary people and GM's unless any particular individual is hostile to LGBT+ people in which case I might feel uncomfortable because of their attitude or actions.

[GBJoker]

Mirya: I know why. But I can't say it here. Besides, as Rianna's post shows, words alone are enough to generate a buzz; I'm not going to post ideas.

Kate T: That's not what I'm having going through my head, but was wondering if any one else had that or something else going through their head.

All: Thanks for answers.

[Georgette_USA]

My experiences were/are all over the place. Pre-teen not many girls around other than in school. Teen years were a very mix, not many girls wanted to hang with some nerdy boy, not many nerdy girls.

At family affairs would spend much time with the Aunts and Grand Mother.

In Navy no females around. Early days at work it was mostly men. Did hang with one woman I worked with, I think she knew what I was going through. Told her I loved this one pair of pants she had, and she gave them to me. After I started working as female, we ALL would go have a drink after work.

When out on my own, I always tend to talk with other women. Some know some don't, so we can talk about our shared experiences. Easier for me to talk with other woman, seldom start talking with men.

Only recently have I been with other TG people much, but I still gravitate toward cis females mostly. Love dancing with them, not many of my TG friends will dance, but I am working on them.

I also have quite a few Gay men friends, we can talk about all kinds of things, without the expectations of sex in the way.

[Kate T]

Kate T: That's not what I'm having going through my head, but was wondering if any one else had that or something else going through their head.

Apologies GB, I did not intend to assign thoughts or experiences that were not your own.

I actually find myself enjoying the company of men more now I've transitioned, at least civilised polite men. That is mostly because now I can respond and behave naturally around them without having to deliberately construct an appropriate expected response.

Plenty of women do NOT like associating with other women. I'm the closest thing my wife has to a "girlfriend" and believe me she is very very female.

[Tina_gm]

Was any of you who identify as TS ever comfortable as a male, or man? Did you ever felt happy as a man? Up until 2012, I was just a regular guy with one exception... But I completely identified as and was comfortable as a man, felt happy being one. Specifically on my wedding day in 2012, I remember feeling such an immense pride as being the husband of my wife. Later that year I opened the pandoras box so to speak. Things are just not as clear as they once used to be.

[Nigella]

To put it in a nutshell, yep for 48 years I never had any thought of transitioning. Yep I was different to the boys I grew up with, not so much into the "macho" sports/activities, but not into the more feminine pursuits. I was comfortable with living as a male, followed the typical male work pattern, steelworker, Armed Forces and so on. GD hit me at a late point in life, but I have never regretted my past. I was not sure what triggered my GD, but I have no problems with living my life now instead of then.

[Mirya]

I'm almost 40 and started transitioning a year ago. I was able to survive with gender dysphoria for as long as I did because I avoided all gender-specific situations. Growing up, I always hated it when my father told me to "be a man" or "man up". As I grew older, I avoided doing "manly" activities. I did not hang out with groups of men. And when it came to dating, as much as I wanted to be around women, I did not want to date them, because that would put me in a male gender role. I never married, never had kids, never even had a girlfriend (plenty of girls asked me out though!)

Eventually this type of lifestyle, which was more about coping and surviving rather than living, became impossible. I had no friends left, because I was effectively living a life in isolation. So, despite my conservative religious upbringing (which was a big reason why I never allowed myself to explore my gender identity), I stopped hiding it. I gave myself permission to get out there, meet transgender people for the first time, see a gender therapist, and ultimately decide to transition.

So to answer your question, gendermutt, no. I have never, ever been comfortable as a male for as long as I can remember. But it was somewhat manageable if I never put myself into a male gender role.

[MonicaJean]

gendermutt, I only identified as male up until I turned 43, which nearly coincided with my "a-ha!" moment of realizing that I was indeed trans. After going thru 2+ years of transition, I can see why I never truly felt at home in my own skin up until that time. It took me feeling and experiencing this side of transition to understand the depth of the first 4 decades as the 'before' me. I'm 46 now.

[shellybme]

Did any of you start out as a crossdresser only and then as time went on you wanted to become more and more feminine to the point you realized that you are a transexual?

[Mirya]

"wanted to become more and more feminine" is not an accurate way to describe it. It's nothing like that at all.

While I did used to think that I was a crossdresser, the realization that I'm a transsexual came about not from a desire to be more feminine, but from an honest introspection of myself. For me, that involved meeting other crossdressers, transsexuals, and non-binary people in real life - spending time with them, talking to them, and really getting to know them. It involved sessions with a gender therapist. I kept a daily journal to collect my thoughts. I carefully examined my social interactions with boys and girls and men and women through all stages of my life starting from early childhood. And in trying to understand the reasons why I was dressing, I came to understand my true gender identity as a woman.

It actually didn't take that long once I started searching. From the moment I started meeting other transgender people for the first time, to the realization that I'm a transsexual, it was about 6 months. When you meet other trans people and really get to know them, it helps you to understand yourself that much more.

Once I realized I'm a woman and accepted myself for who I really am inside, I actually started becoming less feminine, at least with regard to my clothing choices. Since I knew I was a woman, I no longer felt it necessary to dress in overly feminine clothing to express who I am, because I knew who I am. That was a year ago, and since then, I can count on one hand the number of times I've worn a dress. And I haven't worn a skirt at all since then.

Some additional thoughts about crossdressers 'becoming' transsexuals... I put 'becoming' in quotes because you don't actually change from one to the other. You were always a crossdresser, or always a transsexual, from the moment you were born. Our gender identities are formed in the pre-natal stage, while still in the womb, when the epigenetic development of our brains causes us to be a transgender person. By the time you reach the age of 3, your gender identity has been formed. It might take a long while for you to realize what your gender identity really is, but it's always been the same and it doesn't change.

So when looking back at one's life, it's very common (I'd even argue that it's essential) for a transsexual to have experienced some sort of body or social dysphoria from long before puberty. In fact, when getting my letters for SRS, the two therapists specifically asked me 'what was your earliest memory of gender dysphoria?' In my case, I had multiple instances where I experienced GD as early as age 5 or 6, but I kept those thoughts to myself and tried to bury them, realizing even at that young age that I'd get into trouble if I spoke about or acted on them.

It's not a matter of asking yourself 'am I feminine enough to be a transsexual?" Rather, the question you need to be asking yourself is, 'what is my true gender identity?'

And regardless of what the answer is, and who you are and where you are on the transgender spectrum, embrace it. Be proud of it. Whether you're a CD, or a TS, or a non-binary TG of some kind, accept yourself and love yourself. You're wonderful just as you are, as long as you are true to yourself.

[PretzelGirl]

I agree with Mirya mostly. I didn't have GD pre-puberty, so that is probably my one disagreement.

Being transsexual is about your sense of self. If you want to be more feminine or if you want to dress more, it is likely stages of crossdressing. There are many transsexuals who will tell you that they aren't that effeminate. It isn't a requirement. There are all kinds of women who are more masculine. I think this is where some get confused as they attribute various stages of crossdressing (getting out more, feeling "girly") with being transsexual and they aren't. A transsexual may feel this way, but it isn't a sign in itself.

So the self examination is important. You have to understand the whys of what you do and not the actual acts themselves.

[pamela7]

Hi Shelly,
I feel the late-onset TS, like myself, don't have such an obvious lifelong dysphoria, even with a lengthy and deep introspection. We are more likely to CD first and find ourselves in a journey that keeps getting deeper.

I agree with Mirya about a considerable effort of introspection, looking back, and there are signs to be read in experiences all through life. What's the difference between a CIS boy who liked to wear his granny's clip-on earrings and lipstick, and a late-onset TS who realises she liked that experience for a whole other reason? The answer lies in a whole series of little episodes which join up to show a consistent pattern. It was there, we just did not see it before.

[PretzelGirl]

Liking granny's clips and lipstick has nothing to do with being TS. If you think so, you are greatly fooling yourself.

[Rianna Humble]

Sue, I think that Pamela was using that as an example of where the same behaviour can be experienced by someone who is TS and by someone who isn't. She then went on to point out that the way to tell is by a series of other indications. In other words she is not saying that this is the way to tell.

[pamela7]

That would be a correct interpretation, Rianna. It's a whole different experience to have lifelong hiding the truth from everyone else (one typical experience here), and hiding it from yourself (and therefore also accidentally from everyone else), which takes a lot more digging and unpicking. There are a myriad of ways in which a person can feel different or alienated from others - such as autism, sociopathy, neuro-diversity, social access, early life traumas, as well a possibly gender identity difference, to be considered as factors which might make the gender ID eventually invalid. All these things require due and deep consideration. And at the same time there's no point navel-gazing all the time.

In the end, you will know because you did not regret the GRS.

[Georgette_USA]

In the end, you will know because you did not regret the GRS.


That is not the time and a bit late to be sure.

[Nigella]

In the end, you will know because you did not regret the GRS.

I agree with Georgia on this one. I was late onset, initially considering myself "just a crossdresser". I even lived 24/7 before even considering any "medical intervention", HRT, SRS etc. I was not sure how I coped living male for 40 odd years, but GD hit me very late on.

However to the point of your post I have quoted, that is why we have "gatekeepers". I believe in my case they were thorough enough to determine that SRS was the right road for me, the therapy and HRT regimen determined that.

If you regret having SRS you should not have passed the "gatekeeper" in the first place and you have been failed.

[pamela7]

Agreed, but that is for sure an irrevocable test, that was my point.
Has anyone ever regretted? I ask cos presently, the system is overly biased towards avoiding such errors.

[gonegirl]

In the end, you will know because you did not regret the GRS.

I love it when someone with zero personal experience makes an authoritative statement such as this.

Go have your surgery pamela7, then let the people here who desperately need qualified knowledge know if you did the right thing.

[pamela7]

i'd love to see some qualified knowledge expressed here. Let's see some. I guess 18 months 24/7 is zero experience, nice to know.

[PretzelGirl]

And are you post-GRS? That is the question.

[Zooey]

i'd love to see some qualified knowledge expressed here. Let's see some. I guess 18 months 24/7 is zero experience, nice to know.

I'm sorry, but in this thread (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?244647-still-alive) from November you said...


I’ve been away a few months, primarily because I didn’t feel safe on the forum with a narcissist allowed to probe and ridicule my path, as if theirs is the only one possible. ... I’ve been focussed on life. All my work is as Pam now, including an engineering project. Transness seems to be a non-problem for everyone around me, including some quite staid old ladies. I’ll suggest it’s a non-problem because I lead my local world in making it so, even in London.

That's after your (as far as I can tell) last post before your break (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?241871-my-body-tells-me), which was in late July. The strong implication here is that, between those two posts, your work became done as "Pam". So which is it? 18 months of full-time, or between 2 and 6 months?

That's presuming I'm even inclined to believe much of anything you're saying here, which is a dubious proposition given some of the things you've said as recently as your post from late July. Is your body still radiating some sort of mysterious cosmic girl energy that magically causes "male razors" to clog more often than "female razors"?


My body would sabotage male activities - pulled muscles, eyesight, sickness being lifelong examples. Every fitness and strength activity would fail and fall off for these reasons. Then there is the simple act of shaving, something i always detested. The male razors clog up with bristles and I get cut, but the female razors stay clean and don't cut me. My old clumsiness with male clothes contrasted with my new delicacy with female clothes. My skin loves the female clothing and detested the touch of the male clothing. I had chronic fatigue and subtle depression as a male, and none of this now female.

Even my car choice, turns out it's a woman's car; the footrest by the clutch is perfect fit for heels/wedges but not for male shoes. My feet prefer the female sandals/shoes/heels. The podiatrist recommended heels for my ankles' benefit. I could go on, but you get the point. The question is whether other late-onset TS also found the feminine deeply repressed, to the extent that only body signals or something similar left any hint to see the truth?

Thanks, but I've had quite enough alternative facts already for one week. I'll speak out against them when I can, especially in a thread designed to let people get real information from people with actual experience. If that narcissist that caused you to take a break happened to be me, then as somebody who spent her whole life suffering under a narcissistic father, it will be the only time I ever take that as a compliment.

Editing to add: Just in case Pam decides to come back and read this... Pam, I saw the reply to me that I presume you deleted. Either you've got a staggeringly wrong definition of what "24/7" means here in the TS forum, or the timeline you mentioned there doesn't add up based on your past posts either.

[gonegirl]

Pamela7, you have zero knowledge about being post GRS.

Here's some qualified knowledge that is plain common sense: speak of what you know, not of what you don't.

Example: Tell us more about your girl razors and girl car. You're definitely qualified in those areas...

[I Am Paula]

I'm going to follow the ridiculous advice here.
I'll cut off my head. If i don't like the results, I will finally be certain on the head/no head question.
Oy vay, the lunatics have taken over the asylum.

[michelemcd55]

Thank you so much Mira. I have been learning about myself since a very early age and knew from 4 or 5 years old that I was other than what people told me I was, and that was a long time ago. And I too tried to bury it, but my awareness never left me. Crossdressing was part of it but it never felt like all of it. I have always felt cheated and finally I am waking up to that. I have a long time SO I just confided in and she is more supportive than I could have ever hoped for. And I have started counseling with a gender therapist. Your words of wisdom and guidance are so helpful. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.