do you ever wonder

[arbon]

Do you ever wonder what its like not to be transgender or transsexual?

I look at men and I don't know why it was so hard for me. I don't know why its so easy for them to just be men and not want to be women.

I look at women and wonder what it's like to be complete - their identity and sex are aligned and they never knew anything different. Whats it like to be a woman who never had a penis or didn't have everyone saying she was a boy / man? What's it like to be a woman without all the confusion about what they are?

My experience is so different from either.
My life seems so different, and maybe I don't really fit on either side. I do wonder about that. Gender in between? queer? outlaw? purgatory? gender no mans land? Forget the binary and find a comfortable middle space?

Can you accept and live a good life with a transexual identity?
Can I be okay as a transsexual?

Last night I went to the movies and saw Dallas Buyers Club. One of the characters is a trans woman and it was interesting to see how she was portrayed. It was a rather typical representation of a trans woman - someone very different, portrayed in a way that I think was meant to make people feel sorry for her. Not just because she had aids, but sorry for her because she was trans. There was a lot of emphasis on her really being a male.

And everyone in the theater was seeing this portrayal of a trans woman,
which is nothing like me. I don't think I'm like her anyway. But I wonder if thats how people see me, as a man who thinks he's a woman that should be felt sorry for? I'm pretty sure that is the way most people around where I live see me. Kind of pathetic.

Being transsexual is much better then just being a man, your free to express your gender, you don't have to hide or worry about being found out. But transsexual is well outside the norm, way outside. And it does not mean your being accepted as your identified gender.

I was at a party the other night doing volunteer work for a big fund raiser for my daughters ski team. A pretty big, loud, fancy to-do. Several people who I went to school with where there, people I had not seen in years. I felt very uncomfortable around them. Two of them knew who I was, I still avoided them. Another person, I don't think he realized who I was. In school he was like my worst enemy, always picked on me, called me a *aq and all that fun stuff. We were face to face at the party a couple times, solid eye contact. I don't think he put together who I was, but I was still afraid, uncomfortable, nervous, judging myself. Feeling very vulnerable. At the event there were tons of people who know my past and present, who know what I am. It would be easy for the topic to come up and him to find out who I was. Maybe it did come up. Maybe I should have just told him who I was, got it over with. Its still so hard to do that sometimes!!!

I felt bitter because of what I am, that I could not fit one way or the other. That I could not be gender / sex normal. That I am a trans. One of the people you see like that in the movies.

Maybe I don't make a lot of sense, my mind is off in all sorts of directions today. Being trans gets old.

[Madilyn A.]

I have often, at least years ago wondered what it would be like to not be a CD or TG. How different things might have turned out if I were able to completely devote myself to the task at hand instead of the ever present desire or distraction of being something I wished to be and never could. To give complete attention to my spouse, when the sound of clicking heels caused me to turn and see who was playing the sweet rythmic beat. To stay in the moment at a church service instead of checking out the latest women's fashion. Earlier in my life I saw my this as a double edged sword, some good some bad. However, now I look back on my life and realize much of who I am, is because of the fact I am different than most men. More gentle, more careing, and less superficial than most of my male peers. Yes, things would perhaps have been different, but I am thankful that I have lived a richer life because of who I am........On the topic of the movie and the representation of the transsexual, really is a shame. I believe that mainstream USA doesn't really have a clue about the great majority of CDs, TGs and TSs. Not who we are nor how many of us are right next door.......My only regret is that the internet was not around in the 60's and 70's; then things might have really changed for me !

[dreamer_2.0]

Actually I think you're making a lot of sense. A lot of what you say really resonates here. You may recall an old post of mine from the summer about me wanting to be "normal" with no gender identity issues. Like you, I wonder what it's like for cisgendered men and women who have no question about who and what they are. Men who are not just happy as men but also proud of their manhood (in more than one way). Women who are, as you say, whole and always have been, never feeling like an impostor in their own skin and having the freedom to be everything we dream of in their regular everyday lives.

Can you accept and live a good life with a transexual identity? Working on that now. It hasn't been a pleasant experience thus far.

Can I be okay as a transsexual? ...I really hope so...

[Marleena]

Arbon your post makes lots of sense. The thing is you are dealing with the cards you are dealt. There are more threads with us struggling and it sure can get depressing. Try to focus on the positive stories from the postop successes instead. You are well on your way.

[PaulaQ]

I wonder about this all the time, arbon.

Had I been a cis-male, the life I'm losing now would be the life I'd be living. I'd have a sweet, sweet wife, and a beautiful home on the lake. I'd have my lifelong dream of owning my own observatory, in dark enough skies to use it. I wouldn't have to bow and scrape, and dot i's and cross t's to make sure I got treatment.

I'd like to have been a normal woman. I'd like to have had her life - both the good and the bad parts. I'd have maybe met someone nice in college, gotten married in the park, had some kids. Maybe the marriage would've been awesome, maybe it would've sucked. But it would've been my life - it would have felt like a life.

Instead, I got a kind of living death.

And now, I still hope and pray that I can at least have the appearance of a normal life as a woman. But I also know that ship sailed a long time ago for me - decades ago. My life will be nothing very much like that of a typical cis-woman. I dream of a nice hetronormative life - the sort of life I grew up seeing - but with me as the girl. That just isn't very likely to happen for me. No, not at all.

I'm still hopeful that I can find a more authentic life - it has to be better than what I was going through. I hope I can enjoy it, and live a full and meaningful one. But I also feel it won't be one tiny bit like anything I've ever seen before. I'm simply off the map - at least the parts of the map I've ever seen.

As for being pitied - sure, some people see us this way. You get used to it. Believe me, being pitied is better than being hated - although I hate pity a lot. Still, you take what you can get. What I will tell you that I'm absolutely certain of is that there are people who will see you as a woman, and never think of you as a man. These people aren't common, but you can find them, and they'll take you at face value, and judge you by what's in your heart. These people make good friends, and I am absolutely sure they exist - I've seen them in my own life.

I'm probably luckier than a lot of you - I've been handicapped my whole life. It's visible, and people treat me differently. Some people are awful, some try, but are clueless. Others pity me. Universally, strangers stare at me as I walk. Yes, crazy religious people come up to me in random places and tell me that Jesus will cure me if only I BELIEVE. Many though, don't even really notice anything. I've had my whole life to adjust to this part. I'm not saying it's easy dealing with the social part of being trans, but I do know that you eventually get used to the way people treat you, and you can and will find people who just don't notice, just don't care, and deal with you for who you really are.

[Lilo]

Arbon,

Thanks for your post because I think about this all the time. I am currently coming out to more friends and family and I realize in doing this that I will not ever go stealth. This means that most who know me will know my past. I am trying to work my mind to be OK with that and I think it is working. As long as people do not disrespect or attack me or my family, I will be OK. Still, I always wonder what is going on inside their minds. I imagine a lot of people act politely but inside may be thinking I am crazy. It is very hard to distinguish between true support and a 'fake' acceptance. The winds are changing and, in my city at least, not accepting someone because of their gender will trigger being labelled as a 'biggot'. So how could we learn who really is OK with us and who thinks we are crazy if everyone acts superficially polite?

[Kimberly Kael]

Do you ever wonder what its like not to be transgender or transsexual?

Only out of idle curiosity, essentially no more than I wonder about growing up in a different time or place, pursuing a different career, etc. I am who I am and I'm pretty content to be the best me I can be.


I look at men and I don't know why it was so hard for me. I don't know why its so easy for them to just be men and not want to be women.

Do you think they look at you and see how hard it is for you? Don't assume you can see their struggles when chances are they can't see yours. Everyone has their own unique struggle. Being cisgender is no guarantee of happiness, just look at the average cultural experience: divorce, obesity, an unfulfilling career, and financial woes are pretty much the norm. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's, considering all the work I've put into building my life and being proud of who I am.


Can you accept and live a good life with a transexual identity?

Absolutely. Many have, though it is admittedly a challenging hurdle to clear in life.


Can I be okay as a transsexual?

Only you can say for certain, but chances are it's possible given the right approach and some hard work. It strikes me as an outcome worth fighting for. Your experience at the gathering around people you knew from school rings a bell because most of my friends from school felt the same way about going to our high school reunion. None of them went because they felt awkward and intimidated. Note that none of them are trans (that I know of) and yet they shared with you what is a common social anxiety. I chose to hold my head high, face my fears, and go. And I had a wonderful time.

[Carlene]

Yes, from time to time I wonder, but most of my thoughts have centered around where I fit on the gender continuum. I have lived my life as a male; one who had a yearning for many of the attributes commonly found in females. After a great deal of consideration, I believe that I am gender fluid. I feel a little awkward even trying to put words to it because I have not yet come to full terms with myself. I am working on it and am beginning to feel better about who I might actually be and more to the point, who I might become, but there is still so much more work to do. I am learning to enjoy a life somewhere in the middle.

Anyway, thank you for the thread.

Carlene...:daydreaming:

[arbon]

I think what I keep running into is my own internal programing that being trans is bad. They are laughed at, their weird, their pathetic, their sick, their gross - all the stuff you grow up hearing, that is reenforced in your thinking by those around you and the media.
Don't be one of those people. The old tapes seep back into my day to day life - oh crap I am one of those people.

I would like to get free of that, to think of myself as normal.

[emma5410]

Great thread Arbon. I have had a difficult few days and many of the things you mention in your thread have been going through my head. But reading your post I was struck by how much of who you are is external to you. It is as if other people define you. As if even the worse cis-gendered life is better than the best transsexual life.

I think the harsh truth is that some of us will never be accepted as the thing we crave most. As women. Everyone in my life is fully accepting but they all knew me as a man. Is their acceptance enough. Not for me. Perhaps it should be but as long as they think of me as male in any way it is not enough. Will/do I pass with every stranger? No but I seem to pass with most. Is that good enough. Again it should be but it isn't.

The only answer to the above is to bring acceptance inside yourself. I know I am a woman. The world is full of ignorance, full of acceptance, full of bigots and full of friends but they all count for nothing when it comes to who I am. There can only be one arbiter of that. Only one person really matters. You have to stop worrying what other people are thinking. Find your internal truth and cultivate it. If you know you are a woman then you are untouchable and the bigotry, ignorance and doubts of others cannot touch you.

[Barbara Ella]

I do know what it is like to live as a cis-male, as I truly believe my first 65 years were lived somewhat enjoyably, without the knowledge of who I was surfacing due to other handicaps that kept my focus away from myself. True I was a terribly shy, introverted, almost anti-social male (which may be due, I believe, the the suppression).

For the past two years I have been attempting to deal with my femininity as it pushed upward in my life. I am now on HRT, and moving as rapidly as life/age will allow. It is far harder to fit in as a transexual, than it was as a cis male. We are juggling two realities, trying to forget one, and make the other work in the face of near universal misunderstanding, or worse.

Barbara

[Cheyenne Skye]

Truer words have not been spoken. That is the very thought that spurred me on to finally making an appointment with my therapist. I always looked at other men and women and wondered what it would be like to just "BE", not having to think about my gender. I came to learn not to focus on that. Instead I started to work on self acceptance. I'm still not all the way there but at least I can admit to myself that I'm trans and it doesn't make me a bad person. The rest of the world may think differently of me but I don't care anymore. You waste too much energy worrying about what others think.

[kimdl93]

Ok, I am TG and there was a time, before I'd come to grips with who I am, that I was angry, filled with self loathing both sometimes expressed through childish tantrums. I only wish I could have come to grips with who I am earlier in life.


I have to say, I felt it was a very sympathetic portrayal of one TG person. Did she represent all of us...no, but I saw legitimacy in the persons life as depicted...rejected by family, coping with a then surely fatal illness and demanding acceptance of her humanity, even as she fought addiction. That may be the average TG person, but it was the life of that individual. There was a time when I would have been uncomfortable with the portrayal of that character, mostly because I feared people might see what I was so desperately trying to deny and keep hidden.

[Sheila11]

Arbon,

I just read your post then went back and read some of your other posts as well. I wish I could give you a hug. Life should not be so challenging and confusing. I wish I had answers and insight but I am sadly lacking. I hope that you find answers, love, and hugs from those who know you and care about you.

Sheila

[Anne Elizabeth]

Arbon you say "I felt bitter because of what I am, that I could not fit one way or the other. That I could not be gender / sex normal. That I am a trans. One of the people you see like that in the movies."

I have felt this way all my life. Always not fitting in in either category. Always thinking when around friends, co-workers, etc. "If you only knew the real me" When I come out to the world they will have a chance to know the real me. The hiding will be over. But, you know in conversation with my daughter today, I am the real me, I am real People just don't see the real me. Yes it sucks having to hid and second guess who one really is. Everybody has a time to go through this thinking who they are. Unfortunately we have to add gender to that question. And we keep questioning it and second guessing ourselves. This is a great thread thanks for posting it. It is hard to sort out the stereotypes that we have grown up with and accept that we are great people, kind, loving, caring, considerate, valid and valuable people no matter what else. I think it is hard to accept our own selves and we are needing a constant validation from others as to who we are. I myself feel great when at meetings I am called by the name I should have had. But you know it is my time to live my life, it is my time to be myself and be happy and not have to live in constant doubt as to who I am.

[mary something]

Another person, I don't think he realized who I was. In school he was like my worst enemy, always picked on me, called me a *aq and all that fun stuff. We were face to face at the party a couple times, solid eye contact. I don't think he put together who I was, but I was still afraid, uncomfortable, nervous, judging myself. Feeling very vulnerable. At the event there were tons of people who know my past and present, who know what I am. It would be easy for the topic to come up and him to find out who I was. Maybe it did come up. Maybe I should have just told him who I was, got it over with. Its still so hard to do that sometimes!!!


Wouldn't it be fun to imagine going up to him and saying "If only I had listened to you! How did you know?" and smile and give him a hug :). That would have repaid him for all the crap he did to you back then.

You handled youself well in a difficult situation. It is triggering for me when considering people from my distant past or being around them too. It's kinda fun to play around with a situation like that in my daydreams sometimes though

[LeaP]

I do wonder. Often. I was at a management team dinner last night. Although I kept up my usual act, I wondered again and again at these people (all men). WHY do they care about this or talk about that? What's it like to be like that? As I've become more stable and less protective, men seem ever more foreign - because my attention has shifted from dissociating myself from the interaction and drowning in anxiety, to observing and wondering at them.

Sometimes they appear kind of magical - strange creatures. But I've spent my life as an extreme introvert and social situations are very, very difficult for me. My hearing issues make things worse, especially in groups and noisy places. I've avoided people period whenever I could and my anxiety spikes into the stratosphere when I become the center of attention, even for a moment. So I, too, would have been very uncomfortable in the circumstances you describe.

Then comes you other questions ... Can I live being myself, out and in the open? Perhaps coming to people's attention most or all of the time? I hope I can transition in a way to eventually avoid this, but we all know there are no guarantees and just about everyone is seemingly clocked on occasion. I truly believe the introversion is mostly related to having repressed my gender growing up, but what if it lingers? Can I survive that. It's thoughts like these that have me considering the alternative.

I also think about fitting in and acceptance. We long to fit in normally and there is no guarantee of that, either. I cring, too, at every portrayal of a trans person, and feel how such things will affect how others view me. It's very painful, even ignoring the silly ones.

I don't know how close all this to what you experience, Arbon, but to me it feels like you're channeling my emotions and fears.

[arbon]

Mary - I seriously considering giving him a hug and kiss and saying something like that lol



But reading your post I was struck by how much of who you are is external to you. It is as if other people define you. As if even the worse cis-gendered life is better than the best transsexual life.

I think a lot of my life has been defining myself by other people, wanting to be what they expected. Its changed a lot, though. I am becoming more and more my own person. more secure in my own self.

My transexual life is not so bad as it may seem from my writing. There has been a lot of personal growth, in me, from transitioning. All in all I feel I have done pretty well.

[mary something]

[QUOTE=arbon;3373161]Mary - I seriously considering giving him a hug and kiss and saying something like that

hey it was conjecture! but if you ever do please let me know how it went ok? :) He's probably a closet case anyway!

[Anne2345]

I wonder also. I wonder, but my imagination completely fails me. I cannot even begin to grasp or understand what it must feel like to take one's identity so for granted that it goes without thought or contemplation. I don't get it. I don't understand it. And, admittedly, I am quite envious. But, as we all know, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do about it except to keep moving forward with transition.

So I get what you are saying. I will say, however, that the more progress I make and the further I travel down this road, the less and less I care about how others perceive themselves and their respective lives, and how they view me.

[FurPus63]

YES! YES! and YES! There is no doubt I agree with and can relate to all that you are saying here in this post. I think about it almost every day. I wonder all the time and find myself day dreaming about what it would have been like if I had been born with a vagina and raised as a girl. Had the experience of being a girl, a teenager, young adult, etc... Not to mention, I often look at men and wonder, "how can you do it? How do you feel on the inside? What's it like to enjoy being a macho cool guy?" I hated all that stuff and when I had to pretend I liked it to fit in, it was aweful!

So what do I do to counteract this? What do I do to be in a better mental health state of mind? I have to tell myself to "stop it!" I have to get a grip on my imagination and remind myself that what's necessary is self-acceptance. I sometimes hate being trans. It's a curse! Yet I know that is a lie. I know that I am not a curse. I am a blessing. A child of God and a daughter of God who's loved by God and have been born this way for a reason and a purpose. The same as everyone else! Acceptance of ourselves is how we gain acceptance by others. We can't expect others to accept us, respect us and love us if we don't love ourselves. Yes I know we've heard it before a 1,000 times! But it's true! So true! So ...... I stop day dreaming and trying to imagine my life as a girl born with a vagina, etc.... and instead attempt to accept myself for what and who I am. A "chic with a d***." A transsexual woman. That's who I am.

Hopefully someday; I'll get SRS and have that body part we all long for. Yet even then. Even post-op; I still will not be able to change my past. I still will not be able to run away from, hide or change the fact that I was born with the wrong body parts (Inside and Outside) and will have to settle for what God has given me. A new, constructed through modern day surgery and medicine, body with the right parts (at least on the outside) 100% complete woman! In the meantime, I have to deal with this. Keep moving forward reaching for that impossible dream and make it a reality! Hoping all the while, I can do it.

As for fitting in with others. This is an illusion. The other day I was attending my aunt's funeral. Surrounded by a ton of cousins and relatives all of whom had not met me as "Paulette." Was I scared and uncomfortable? You bet I was! What changed? When I began to converse with them, talk to them, act natural with confidence in myself as a woman and as a human being, I began to notice a change in myself and others. Suddenly I wasn't so afraid anymore. Suddenly I was hearing people say, "you look so beautiful in your transformation, Paulette." "You look pretty." "I love you, no matter what." "You're family and that's all that counts." "Sure I'll come to your fundraiser and help you make money for your surgery. I'll do anything I can to help." "Oh, I'm so glad to hear things are going well for you." Suddenly things started to feel better.

One of the ladies attending the funeral luncheon ( my mom's cousin) began a conversation with me. We talked about how much we loved and missed our mothers (now both passed, mine a few years ago, hers several decades ago) and as she began to shed tears of sadness exclaiming, "God do I miss her! I think about her every day!" I realized that we were connecting on a human level. We both loved and missed our mothers soooooooo much! Sure there were times during the course of our interaction when she referred to me as "Paul." So what? She hadn't seen me in years. What was she supposed to call me? None of that seemed to matter at the time. All that mattered was here we were two women, tearing up, and talking with emotion, pain and sadness about the love we had for our mothers. Isn't that what life is all about? Connecting with others? One human being to another? Did it matter at that moment in time that one of us was transsexual???

As described above, the rest of that luncheon went just fine. I received lots of acceptance, love and compliments from my cousins and family members. When I came home that evening I opened up my email and read something sent from my sister, Terry. I don't have it here to quote, but it basically said, "sis, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you! Your courage is beyond my imagination! You demonstrated grace and class today at the funeral. You behaved yourself as a wonderful brave woman who I am proud to call, sister!" Now that's what it's all about!

So yes. Being trans gets old. Sometimes it feels like all this confusion and dysphoria is never going to end. Yet life goes on. Love endures. We can be happy. Even if we're trans!

Paulette

[GabbiSophia]

i believe it's natural to imagine being something when you are faced with something you don't want or haven't asked for. My friends daughter has diabetes and it was something she asked a lot because she was "different". I ask myself that question all the time but no longer do I roll around in despair and hate myself for being different, that makes the anxiety even worse and then the GD really gets going, though it is a tough mental stance. I agree with Lea that I try to understand it and analyze why and how I am different. I never really get far in understanding but hey whatever. I do believe if you never asked the or thought about what it would be like you would not be moving in the right direction of self acceptance. I think it is ok to ask the question because you are defining yourself and at the route of GD is nothing more than defining ourselves ..no? This is the one question though that repeats itself over and over in my mind and I try to look at it from every angle. I do wish I was born normal ... if normal is something to be?.. but then when I look at it again .. I just wish I wasn't born Trans.. that always ends up being the statement I come up with. So yeah I ask myself it .... all the time..

[Debglam]

Arbon,

Good post! I'm gonna cut to the chase:

I have NO idea what it is like to be cis. Like any other privilege I imagine it makes moving through life that much easier.



I felt bitter because of what I am, that I could not fit one way or the other. That I could not be gender / sex normal. That I am a trans. One of the people you see like that in the movies.

My big epiphany was that fitting in is bullshit! Fit in with who? The people I went to school with, for the most part, are balding, boring couch potatoes. I love my cis friends but most of them lead fairly mundane, scripted, boring lives. Frankly I am quite content fitting in with my weird, abnormal, brilliant, loving, fascinating trans* friends! As my fourteen year old said when I came out to her: "you are not as boring as I though you were!"

If it works for you, embrace your difference!

Debby