fear of meeting

Here it is , and I just don’t know why, but I have a fear of meeting with other cd's , I don’t know why it makes no sense, but it's there, now I have meet two gg's that I have talked with for a long time on line , and I could not make plan’s to meet them, it was a just do it now (spear of the moment kind of thing) . But I did meet them,

I am ashamed of this, but for me it is there, its real, and I don’t know why, it’s irrational. Do any of you have this fear? Or can any of you explain this so I can under stand and get over (hopefully) this unjustified fear. Joining a group has been one of the things I have wanted to do but there are no groups in my area just gurls like me and I just shy away from meeting them, I’m not trying to diss anyone, just get a handle on a feeling I don’t understand.

I think it's quite natural... I often felt awkward around other CD's, but then quite a few back in the day positively sought me out. Hmmmmm... I never quite got why they wanted to meet me... I never did scene things if I could help it, but still there was this constant stream of visitors... I must have met over a couple of hundred in one year alone. Even had one girl who drove 400 miles to meet me... mad! Awwwwww... they were all very sweet though... :)

I used to worry what their motive was in meeting me, the reality was they just wanted to say hello... I don't get to meet anyone now... but then I often feel there is this unease amongst CD's of TS's... For some I guess we can be their worst nightmare given form... Hmmmmm... I was exactly the same... I viewed one lovely TS girl that visited me with feelings that verged on horror... or more accurately pure fear!!! I knew I was heading there and it was terrifying... Interesting thinking back.

Anyway, back to you... It will feel weird, it may always feel weird, but if you like the person you're going to meet as an online friend then you'll be fine. They're only clothes after all, and you can always meet drab till you're comfortable. A lot of people attend groups in drab to start off with...

You've led a secret pursuit for many years, and it takes a while to shake off the self-imposed chains of fear and self-consciousness. Everything kind of comes down to that and trust... When you show people the real you, you need to trust them...

Go in drab, find your confidence, and then bask in freedom.

Lisa x

I think that it's natural too and nothing to be ashamed of. I am sometimes reluctant to meet anyone new. I usually go ahead with it and feel fine.

well it's a lonely existance if you never meet any of Us but ultimatly it's your call---the only thing you should NOT do is make a date to meet one of us and then break it simply because you have cold feet---there is nothing so frustrating as to get all dressed(takes an hour or more, particularly if you think you are going out---not to mention getting your hair done.) then sit around and have nobody show, or even worse call at the last minute, after you've made the effort, and cancel with some silly excuse that obviously isn't true. It's the height of rude behavior and you shouldn't do it.

I woulda been a stone cold coward to meet anyone one on one without really knowing how they look or act... especially if we were gonna meet in a public venue. 'Cos face it, I wouldn't have wanted to be embarrassed! Either by being with them or by my own actions or look not coming up to that person's expectations. (Sorry that's a little harsh, but you gotta admit, we all have met plenty of people even in drab that we just didn't take to, huh?)

The way around that, of course, is to meet folks in a venue where everyone is at the same 'disadvantage', a club or conference or trans meeting.

Sounds shallow and selfish, don't it? But I'm sure that's what's in the back of many of our minds.

* cringing smiley goes here *

Oh yeah... Took me a bit of time to get past that... Like I know what my motivation was but I always thought others had hidden adjendas.. And a lot did.. So took be a bit of time to get to know people before meeting them in public or private.. The first time was because she had an awesome beaded wedding dress in my size that I wanted to wear sooo bad!! Worked out well.. And I've met others in drab, for lunch just to chat.. Still do.. Made some good friends..
So my only advise is get to know the person first.. Chat on the phone.. Make sure your both on the same pages as to what is or isn't going to happen if and when you meet..

I was terrified just like you. But, after I met a couple of the gurls I settled down. I felt that somehow I didn't belong. Somehow I was the only person in the world that felt the way I do. I was wrong. Once you go out there and meet someone, it gets easier and easier. I have a very good friend, Erika whom I met online. To be honest, I almost canceled our meeting but didn't and ended up having a great time. Since then, we've had some pretty cool adventures getting all dressed up and going out. She and I are good buddies now and I'm thankful for that.
We all think we are 'different' for the sake of being different. Take a look around, we're all pretty much the same. All of us on here are going to have different perspectives on this subject and we will help you understand as much as we can. But your search begins deep inside to find the reason. Only you can do that.

When I started reaching out to a local TS/TG support group, I was nervous as well, and almost chose not to dress the first day I went to the monthly meeting. As a support group, it was a significant fear that I just would not 'fit in' to the energy of the group. I've now gone to every meeting of the group since I've joined, and have felt very welcomed by everyone there. :) In the past two meetings that have occurred, I've seen at least one new member come in full drab, and then in the next meeting a month later, fully dressed.. obviously a sign that, in this supportive instance, that we as sisters (and brothers of course) are here for each other if we would like the support.

I have chatted with several other CDers and TG/TS folks, and have actually wanted to get the chance to hang out or meet up with them out 'in the real world', but just haven't had the time or chance or variables aligned to do so. At least one person I've chatted with about meeting in person has agreed to just meet up in drab for a beer so that we could just be... more relaxed perhaps.. and just have the time to chat. There's also at least one other TS girl that I'm sure if I ever had the resources to stop by for a spot 'o tea that I'd not have to worry about how I present or if that time would be uncomfortable or worry-filled.

I'd say that it's all about your personal choices or energy or comfort, what have you.. just be yourself, and understand that you're not alone.

Erica,

I was and I still am very anxious when meeting others when I am dressed. It may go back to the very first time I met two 'girls' socially back in 1982. They were extremely feminine and were completely shaved. They told me that they were TS and that they were unable to transition because they had closed the gender clinic at Johns Hopkins.

I found out that they worked as men and then came home and dressed every evening as women. They told me that this was the best I could hope for. Needless to say I was petrified and didn't try to meet anyone else for years.

Over ten years later I went to gender group meeting in a large city and found it was like going to any group meeting---there were many different people--some who I had a lot in common with and others where I had very little. But everyone was always very nice and I have come to enjoy meeting other girls despite my continued anxiety.

Meeting people doesn't bother me and I thought meeting other CDers' would be a really good thing to do. If I was nervous at all, it was about getting there late... Which I did the first time. But, everyone was very nice about it and I have learned to be equally accommodating to "the newbies" in turn. Like you, perhaps, many of them are unduly nervous. "It's OK. We're all rowing the same boat here."

Expect those people to be people like anywhere else and that some you will like better than others; some you'll admire; and some will really worry you. (Like the loyal fans around you at a baseball game....) But, all in all, if you're all there for the same kind of meeting, you'll find a way to fit in and get something out of your trip... And, find something to give. Go, learn, grow.

The breakthrough for me was being honest with my motivation for "meeting"..... reconciling my baser instincts with my mental / social needs to understand my real reasons for wanting to meet. Looking to meet somebody in what I perceived to be a sexual context lead to frustration for me. Maturity and wisdom finally led me to understand that I was really needing a sympatico sister to just share and confide in. The other stuff was not important or even necessary. I have been "trying" to meet other CD's for years. I have succeeded many times. But, It has never really turned into a friendship (that's what I am after) because they always seemed to have a hidden (carnal) agenda, bad habits or some kind of emotional / mental challenges. I AM particular, but really do not expect nor offer anything too unrealistic.
I do have some difficult requirements due to living in the middle of no where, having a non approving spouse and being a bit older than most girls. It's tough to find someone that doesn't want to "hook up" or have you drive 60 miles to a group meeting. However, I remain confident that someday I will meet a kindred spirit. Meanwhile, I know my intentions are true, and that makes it a lot easier to bide my time, and be particular about who, what, where and... who ever knows when?

I generally don't meet TG individuals who contact me for several reasons. The primary reason is that many of them are sexually attracted to me which is not an interest I share, although I do enjoy making new friends, bonding over a sexual desire doesn't seem conducive to a friendship. Another reason centers on giving advice, which I generally do not due to the extreme uniqueness of my life path. A third reason touches on a creepiness factor that borders on stalking behavior that I can do without.

I choose to base my friendships on non-lifestyle related common interests of a slightly less controversial nature.

Charlie

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Originally Posted by gender_blender

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I choose to base my friendships on non-lifestyle related common interests of a slightly less controversial nature.

Charlie

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Well said Charlie...
Finding another girl with common vanilla interests would be too much to expect, but sure is a dream worth pursuing. It really is THE starting point for me. Friends like that are so tantalizingly real in cyber space. Alas, geography and time will always seem to keep such meetings just out of our grasp.

For me: I have dressed at home without anyone around for so many years I think it is extremely hard to dress and go out even late at night.. it's always been that feeling of keep it secret, that I'm doing something wrong or something.. so to meet up with someone or even a meet up group sounds extremely hard to do.. that being said however I would like to think that if there were ever a meet type of thing and we were to meet then I think it would have to be as male in male clothing.. but if I did schedule some meet type of thing and saw the person dressed and I wasn't I'm not sure how I would feel.. I mean I think if the "girl" was really passable then would I be too intimidated to go dress somewhere.. on the other hand if I felt like I would dress up better than that person does would I still feel like I should or not dress up.. a cunnundrum of sorts...

For me it's the fact that I've dressed privately for soooo long that it would be like peering out of a dark cave after so many years. I do want to meet & get out eventually, I think it'd be fun! :daydreaming:

The reasons can vary as much as there are members here. I have considered this and there are two thoughts that come to mind.

First is that I am reluctant to come out to people I know. So I am going to now come out to someone I don't know? For some that makes it easier. I don't know, just a thought rolling around.

The other is if you met someone from here, is that it is the dreaded "someone on the internet". Again, I think this can be reconciled especially if you have been here a while and so has the person you are meeting. The length of having seen each other here can increase the comfort.

You have all given me some insight, and alot to think about

I have my two gg friends and one is here in town and one is about 30 miles away both are great online friends and have given me support and advice, they want me to come and hang out, I have not at this time done so they both have bf and even thou they say they (bf) are ok with my dressing I feel funny about it, I have always hide it, did it in secret, felt very privet feelings (sexual and emotional)
that being said this might be my feelings of dread and fear of sharing hidden thoughts and feeling with other males cd or not , if its a gg then I empathies with and feel more at ease with. and want to share with them more , ill half to think about this more. Thank you all :D

Even if you do not meet other TG in real life, worry not.
If or when you do, you will discover that TG are just normal everyday people, other than dressing a bit different.

Well there is one thing - a lot of TG, about 1 in 3, be they CD or TS or whatever, love to talk your ear off, and often about stuff that is not exactly going to have you on the edge of your seat with interest.

I imagine the really pretty passable CD or TS get a lot more offers to meet but then again - they are just people. I have known a few knock-out beautiful TS women and they are just as normal as anyone else.

Yeah it is cool to have acquaintances who won't ask stupid questions about your gender presentation. That is one advantage.

I think the real goal should be to have non-TG folks as friends or come out to family.

So if you still want to meet other TG folks I recommend finding a support group close to you. Usually people that attend those are pretty level headed, except for me, I am usually the reason people are afraid... YEAH anyways...
Just don't go wandering into some gay or trans bar cause often you will find ones there that are just bad news. Yes I have met some scary CD/TS in clubs. Won't be doing that again.

Of course go ahead and get used to the fact that a lot of times when you plan on meeting another TG in real life, often times they chicken out. I have had that happen a few times. One almost has to expect it.

I can relate -- I am as nervous as heck, going to my first CD party today. I've never been out enfemme, and I've hardly tried makeup or crossdressed. A friend will bring me clothing at the party, so the first time I'm actually crossdressing and putting makeup will be at the party!!!

So, nervous is not a word. I don't know why exactly. I guess first of all I want to pass, I don't know if I do. I hope I do. Secondly, I don't know how do other CD's behave, whether there is like a "cultural behavior" to other CD's or trannies. They could be different as day and night. There are also gonna be some genetic women there, and the whole dynamics of how that's gonna play out makes me feel weak at the knees.


But I'm coming there to explore, have fun, try new things, make friends... dance a little! And most importantly show my smooth legs to the world :P

-Orlee

Erica, I don't think you are alone in feeling this way so don't feel so bad about it. I left the closet only a year ago but I did it with the attitude that I was going to get to know as many other cd'ers as possible. I have been fortunate to meet many other girls and guys both through this website and the various groups that I am a member of. On the unfortunate side I have come to know other cd'ers that live in the same town as me but are still too shy to meet with anyone. I think this "shyness syndrome" is a lot more prevelent than we know. It really is a shame as we could all benefit from interacting with each other. I realise that not all of us are as outgoing or extroverted as some are and this is perfectly understandable. I also think there still exists a belief even amongst ourselves that any one who wants to meet another cd must have an ulterial motive such as a sexual interest. Of course this is not always true but still there are those that are not trustworthy enough of others to meet them. I think these reasons are why some of us still prefer to live a life of loneliness and fear of meeting others. This is so sad.

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Originally Posted by erica12b

that being said this might be my feelings of dread and fear of sharing hidden thoughts and feeling with other males cd or not , if its a gg then I empathies with and feel more at ease with. and want to share with them more , ill half to think about this more. Thank you all :D

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It was in Grand Junction a number of years ago that I learned how to get over what was one of my greatest fears -- high diving. As a kid growing up in CA, near my town there was a dam we could get onto, and dive/jump into the lake some 40 feet below. I never could screw up the guts to do it. Fast forward 5 years or so....

As you probably know, there's a large canal running alongside the Colorado south of your town. The guys I was with (locals) were jumping off a cliff into that canal, flowing with the (quite swift) current, and catching the underside of a bridge to get out. I was told that if I missed that bridge, it'd be miles before I got out. Gut check time. But after I watched all of them pull it off, I decided that hell, there was no reason I couldn't do it. In I went. I wouldn't have gone first, but just seeing others lead the way was enough. I didn't have to think about it. The moral to this story should be apparent.

Others before you have led the way, and all you have to do is follow. Soon, you will be a leader too.

If your lady friends invite you to dress up, come over, and hang out, then by all means do it. The relief of years of stress when you can finally be yourself, share yourself, with new friends, will be worth it all. You'll be like Atlas, setting the world down to take a break.

Don't think. Just do.