Wife checks my browsing history

Printable View

08-14-2009, 06:02 PM
JenniferR771

Wife checks my browsing history

She knows about me, but disapproves. Knows now that I go to this site often. And threatens me with dire consequences if I delete my surfing history.

I was at work, but for the first time, I think she read a few posts yesterday. I was hopeing she would read a few lines and get a little more relaxed.

She asked, "What is the big deal about family acceptance--why is that so important?" I couldn't give her a good answer. It is just so big to a crossdresser. She was skeptical that so many families were accepting. I said I was not sure if the mods deleted highly negative experiences or left them as stated.

I hope she will read a few more posts. Just a tiny chance that she would ever join...she is having trouble getting her mind around this. Still thinks I must be gay if I look at pictures of men (even when in drag). Not that there is anything wrong with being gay.

Wife does not understand why other wives are sometimes Ok with their man crodressing.
08-14-2009, 06:55 PM
Jaydee

Jennifer,
The best answer would be a heart to heart discussion with your wife, but if that isn't going to happen, check out "U3" software. It is software that goes on a usb flashdrive. It doesn't leave fingerprints on public computers. You can load a browser onto the flashdrive with a password. I use it all the time when I use public computers. There is no way for someone to see what you were doing since all the data stays on the flashdrive (FBI, and police excepted).

Jaydee
08-14-2009, 07:03 PM
Sylvermane

Usually when someone is doing that it is a matter of lack of trust and they are likely guilty of something. While I cannot go into details I recall when I was much younger. My dad started spying on my brother and I when we were online. We were just fiddling around with games no big deal, later we found he was hiding something and it caused a great deal of family stress and damn near tore it apart.

I know that probably doesn't help the situation but one thing to think about is if it bother's her so much to be doing all of that you need to find out what is being hidden from you. She knows of you're secret, what do you not know. A good relationship is firmly grounded in trust.

Saying all this likely will end up with a bad result if you pursue it but it is something to consider.
08-14-2009, 07:07 PM
Veronica Nowakowski

You have to explain to her why it is so important. If it were me, I'd try to say the following, though I'd inevitably go off on tangents and miss some points:

Whenever someone is doing something important to them, especially if it is not something people are comfortable talking about in general, they want those that they love and are important to them behind them. People need that safety net, those few people that will stand behind them, to be able to live happy and fulfilling lives. We need those people who care enough to look past gut reactions and the surface of things and see us for who we really are. Society looks down on crossdressers; they assume they are something that they are not, they condemn what they don't know because humans always fear what they don't know.

I love you [insert name here]. You mean the world to me. This is who I am, and nothing would mean more to me than your acceptance, not just of the picture I put on for the world, but also for the part of me that I feel I have to hide. I am still the same person you fell in love with, the same person you decided to spend the rest of your life with, you just didn't know that some of the things you love about me were from the feminine side I identify with. I want to know that you took the effort to look beyond what society doesn't bother to, because you love me as much as I love you. If you can accept me for what I am, then you can shatter your doubts about who I am, you'll be able to see that I'm the very same guy, just dressed differently. I'm glad you started reading up on it, it means you care, it means you're making an effort, and I know that your acceptance won't come overnight, but I long for it. I love you.

Try that :)
08-14-2009, 08:03 PM
Penelope Marie

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaydee

Jennifer,
The best answer would be a heart to heart discussion with your wife, but if that isn't going to happen, check out "U3" software. It is software that goes on a usb flashdrive. It doesn't leave fingerprints on public computers. You can load a browser onto the flashdrive with a password. I use it all the time when I use public computers. There is no way for someone to see what you were doing since all the data stays on the flashdrive (FBI, and police excepted).

Jaydee

that U3 software comes preinstalled on some Sandisk flashdrives. i have 2 4gb drives i got from wal mart for 12.00 each. not a bad buy

i simply could not and would not live with someeone checking up on my surfing habits or any other aspect of my life. i'd have to do some thing about that but thats me. treat me like the adult i am
08-14-2009, 08:22 PM
Jenny Beth

I can understand that your wife disapproves but threatening you if you delete your browsing history is a bit much. Many years ago I worked with a guy whose wife kept track of the mileage on his car and had to explain any extra mileage other than going to work and back. Serious distrust here so you two need to talk.
08-14-2009, 08:32 PM
Gabrielle Hermosa

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenniferR771

...She asked, "What is the big deal about family acceptance--why is that so important?" I couldn't give her a good answer. It is just so big to a crossdresser. She was skeptical that so many families were accepting...

What is the big deal about family acceptance?

Sadly, I'm having trouble answering this myself without a stream of sarcasm attached to it... best to hold my tongue on that for now, for sarcasm will not win anyone over.

Do YOU see anything wrong with that question, Jennifer?

Let's just forget about crossdressing and the fact that people have a big problem with things that they do not understand. The question alone speaks volumes about how important your (Jennifer) feelings are to the person who asked it.

There is a great naive factor at work here, so I'll give the benefit of the doubt. We are all naive at one point. The question is, in this case, is it by choice, or simply by lack of exposure to the truth?

It kills me... how much time I spend... how much blood, sweat, and tears of effort I put into spelling it out... and people fail to find their way to it. If only I could bring it to them - those who might benefit from the knowledge, but how can I?

Take some initiative, Jennifer. Point your wife, who wants to know what the big deal is and thinks you must be gay, in the direction of this website: myCDlife.com

I'm the owner and author of the content there. Perhaps spend some time there yourself first, and determine whether or not the knowledge documented is worthy of sharing with someone seeking some answers. It's a mix of fact and opinion... and some personal stories and humor, too. If nothing else, the crossdressing myths are must-read material for the confused crossdresser and especially loved ones who do not understand what it's all about.

I don't pretend to hold the answer to everything... but my writing speaks for itself.

On a side note, you do understand that even if your wife someday finally understands exactly what crossdressing is all about and how important it is to you, she may never like or be happy about this aspect of your life, nor does she have to. For the marriage to work, she must accept it and respect it, but she need not like it. My own wife is an active participant in my crossdressing - she's crazy about my femme-side. But some women will never want anything more than an all-masculine man, and they're allowed to that.

Good luck, Jennifer. :)
08-14-2009, 09:44 PM
victoriamwilliams1

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenny Beth

I can understand that your wife disapproves but threatening you if you delete your browsing history is a bit much. Many years ago I worked with a guy whose wife kept track of the mileage on his car and had to explain any extra mileage other than going to work and back. Serious distrust here so you two need to talk.

That is crazy!

Next: browing history issues are nw reslove wit the new IE just use the in private brower by clicking the new tab if it has not been changed to open a default page. I use in private on my laptop because my wife may barrow it.
08-14-2009, 11:27 PM
Gabrielle Hermosa

I should have addressed these directly before. Sorry about that...

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenniferR771

She knows about me, but disapproves. Knows now that I go to this site often. And threatens me with dire consequences if I delete my surfing history.

It seems there is a lack of trust here. Have you done something to loose the trust of your wife? I don't imagine that crossdressing itself is a trust-breaker.

Quote:

She asked, "What is the big deal about family acceptance--why is that so important?"

Aside from the lack of compassion for your feelings displayed in this kind of questioning, I think she is expressing the fact that she does not see your crossdressing as important and therefore does not see it as anything of relevance for the family to be accepting of.

Quote:

I couldn't give her a good answer. It is just so big to a crossdresser. She was skeptical that so many families were accepting.

Perhaps she does not want to believe that anyone (or at least not many) are accepting of crossdressing so that she does not feel any pressure (or guilt) to be accepting herself (of something she obviously has little knowledge about and very much dislikes).

Quote:

I said I was not sure if the mods deleted highly negative experiences or left them as stated.

I've seen at least one mod stand up for a member who expressed very negative views about crossdressing, threatening members to "watch their step" in responding to these negative views. So long as negative views are expressed intelligently and without attack, they're fair game and (as far as I can tell), left alone by the mods. As much as I hate negative views of crossdressing, I agree 100% in their decision to allow it.

Quote:

I hope she will read a few more posts. Just a tiny chance that she would ever join...she is having trouble getting her mind around this.

I'd say she's fighting having to get her mind around it more than actually tying to learn... at least based on the little info gathered from your post. This is a normal psychological reaction to something people feel threatened by or are otherwise made uncomfortable by. It is also (usually) not the end of the road, but only a stage one goes through in the process of dealing with issues that make them feel this way.

Quote:

Still thinks I must be gay if I look at pictures of men (even when in drag). Not that there is anything wrong with being gay.

There is nothing wrong with being gay, however I believe she expresses this sentiment in order to shame you out of crossdressing rather than share something she actually believes. Most straight men will still feel threatened by the suggestion that they might be gay. It tends to cause a defense reaction. Your wife is probably hoping that you will "prove" you're not gay - in other words, stop crossdressing (which would provide said proof in her eyes, warped as it may sound).

Quote:

Wife does not understand why other wives are sometimes Ok with their man crodressing.

Different strokes. Men and women come in all shapes and sizes. What is attractive to one, may be repulsive to others. People often have difficulty understanding that which does not exist within them. Your wife is obviously bothered by your crossdressing. In her mind and perception, it makes no sense how anyone else could feel differently.

Contact links are on my website. I'd like the opportunity to do a Dear Gabi Q&A with your wife... if she's willing to write to me. I have no magical, fix-all, problem-solving advice to offer, but I can address specific concerns and questions that might fill in some of the blanks that cause the fear she is exhibiting.

This the previous Dear Gabi response to questions and grief expressed by a gg who's marriage was ending, leaving her in pain with many unanswered questions. Regardless of how people feel about crossdressing, I treat them and their feelings with care and respect. It is always my hope that others with similar issues may find some answers, or at least know they're not alone having read about what others have gone through in the sharing of these letters.
08-15-2009, 02:46 AM
Stitch

I've done the whole checking of the internet browser thing and stalked my ex online before. I didn't trust him, and granted I was completely right in my lack of trust, I won't tell you what I found. Not that my story details have any bearing on Jennifer's story. I thought I'd just show an opinion from the other side of the coin.

Anyway, my snooping it wasn't just about a lack of trust as a fear of losing him. I could feel my ex slipping away from me and I was scared. So I clung and stalked and did all I could to try and keep up with him as he never had time for me and always kept me in a bubble. It felt like I was never privy to much of his life and I was always kept at arms length. I found it very hard and fell to pieces over it many times. I felt completely out of my depth.

Your wife sounds very confused and scared. Please don't punish her by hiding away your internet history as I imagine that will just make situations much much worse. My ex used to do that, and it infuriated me. Obviously he really did have something to hide or he wouldn't have done it. It pretty much pushed me deeper into trying to find out more as I knew he was hiding something.
It really sounds like she needs a great deal of reassurance and a sit down heart to heart. I realise that sometimes it really isn't that easy.

Its a shame she won't join the forum, the other FAB's have given so much amazing advice. I'm sure she would benefit tremendously. Even if it didn't change her views so much, perhaps she could get some piece of mind.
08-15-2009, 03:06 AM
Evelyn

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitch

I've done the whole checking of the internet .....................

A fabulous reply from a beautiful woman. Just gorgeous.
Evelyn xXx
08-15-2009, 03:10 AM
Shikyo

It seems really strange for your wife you do so. Even if it's just personal browsing history, it's personal. So there has to be something that has caused her do what she does. The only one who knows the reason for this is her.

As she goes through your browsing history, are you allowed to go through hers? If not that is not fair, so if she's allowed to do it, so should you.

Though in my opinion one shouldn't have the need to go through the browsing history without a reason. So find out the reason and talk to her about it. There has to be a solution that will satisfy both of you, I wouldn't be satisfied by letting her going through my history(in fact, I don't want anyone to do so I've disabled it totally).
08-15-2009, 05:11 AM
nicky22

I agree with Stitch 1000%. It hasn't been that long since I discovered my SO's CDing. Your reality is turned upside down. Your wife is probably scared and very confused...I'm scared and confused. You may know what this means to you and where you might be going with it, but we don't know for sure. So she's probably checking up on you in an attempt to have some control over a situation that seems out of control at times. Please don't go behind her back and hide your browsing history. For me, it's the sneaking and hiding and lying and witholding in the first place that creates some of the madness. Honesty no matter what the outcome is the only option in any relationship.
That's my :2c:....Nicky
08-15-2009, 06:07 AM
Vicky_Scot

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenniferR771

She knows about me, but disapproves. Knows now that I go to this site often. And threatens me with dire consequences if I delete my surfing history.

Ultimatums are not healthy in a relationship. Your relationship as far as your dressing goes sounds like a dictatorship. Tell her you are not a child who needs her permission.

Xx Vicky xX
08-15-2009, 07:23 AM
mklinden2010

Getting down to cases...

>>>Wife checks my browsing history
She knows about me, but disapproves. Knows now that I go to this site often. And threatens me with dire consequences if I delete my surfing history.

She disapproves of what? Her husband? The time on the computer? What? In the end, she doesn't sound so disapproving that you suddenly have a new place to live.

>>>I was at work, but for the first time, I think she read a few posts yesterday. I was hopeing she would read a few lines and get a little more relaxed.

Well, that's too bad. This is such a fragmented group of interests. There are all sorts of people here and it helps to know what the various agendas are so you don't read one post and think, "OH MY GOD! It's WORSE than I thought!"

You may get painted with the wrong brush if you leave her research to what she might read here at random. Do you know you own situation well enough to talk calmly and confidently with her? You're out. But, out where?

>>>She asked, "What is the big deal about family acceptance--why is that so important?" I couldn't give her a good answer. It is just so big to a crossdresser. She was skeptical that so many families were accepting. I said I was not sure if the mods deleted highly negative experiences or left them as stated.

Simple enough, you care about your family and want to keep them in your life - and you in theirs. Crossdressing is not "being," it is something beings do. Describe what it is and it sounds pretty tame; it's what you might do, or, what might be done to you that's the big thing - the big unknown...

She's right to be skeptical. Lots of families have problems getting the idea of what's going on and how to respond to it - and keep things to themselves rather than advertise. So, how can you know how many if they don't talk about it?

One big issue is they don't want to be "outed" as the (only) family with "the" crossdresser. "Why do you have to make us all look bad?" You have to be able to say, "Bad? What's bad about being known as caring, supportive, kind, understanding, helpful, loving, and friendly? If this is a problem it's "my" problem and you're just wonderful to still love me (any family member) who's different. Look, you be "normal" and I'll be eccentric! It's a win-win!"

>>I hope she will read a few more posts. Just a tiny chance that she would ever join...she is having trouble getting her mind around this. Still thinks I must be gay if I look at pictures of men (even when in drag). Not that there is anything wrong with being gay.

I hope she doesn't read a few more - to get a balanced view, she'd have to read lots more. Read about the dresser with the thing for mini-skirts and all the money that gets spent - and read about the dresser who gets kicked out of the house and beat up - and read about the couple that goes shopping together and goes out to dinner together on occasion. It's not what you wear that's of most interest, it's how people treat themselves and each other that matters most.

There's plenty "wrong" with being gay - it would only take a minute to make a list. Lots of gay people could help you with that list... And, there's plenty that's "right" about being gay - it works for some people, for example. And, of course, some people find interest in both sexes... So, if you're gay, so what? This has been going on a long time and the planet hasn't exploded. Isn't that just something else a person does and not their entire being? If you are (and, I doubt it) that is probably not the deal she wanted/wants; but if you are you'll both work something out. Things may have to change, but, that's life.

Now, you might be gay. But, it's going to be a hard road, being gay and trying to attract gay men while dressing as a woman. If you're gay, loose the dress. Will you wife feel better then? Nah. She just wants to know who you are and what you're up to. If she cared that much about you wearing the same clothes she does, you'd have bigger problems already. More likely she's wondering, "So, what the heck do we do with all this? Is he still a man with an interest in women, or, what? Sounds like she's trying to understand and get along - but she's asking the tough questions in a tough manner. Well, good for her.. She may make a woman of you yet! As in, she'll get you to really think about what you are doing and how you'll do it, and you both will do better, or... Well, ouch, let's just not go there.

>>Wife does not understand why other wives are sometimes Ok with their man crodressing.

My SO put it very simply, after thinking about it a few days:

"I think the relationship is worth it."

If you look at each relationship - family, friends, neighbors, etc. acceptance generally boils down to just that:

"Yeah, that's fine. Just be on time to the things we plan and don't spend all your time and money on that... We still got that fundraiser coming up and you gotta pitch in..."

Life goes on.

Yours (you and your wife's) will too.
08-15-2009, 10:14 AM
vivianann

You are married and you like to look at pictures of men, I think that is cause for concern for her. if she reads this thread I would bet you are going to have to answer why you posted that you like to look at men, and that there is nothing wrong with being gay. You need to be honest with her and not be looking for ways to hide things from her. I am disapointed in some here who suggest ways to hide things from a spouse, to me it smacks of poor quality of character. I agree with Nicky22 when she says honesty is the only option in a marriage.
08-15-2009, 10:18 AM
Jeanna

Check her history too.

We have a rule in my house. Leave other peoples sh!t alone.

Buy her a computer!
08-15-2009, 10:21 AM
DLCarter

Browsing history

If you go to Google, then enter 'cross dressers', the first site up is this one. Then click on that and it doesn't get into the browsing history.
08-15-2009, 10:23 AM
Shikyo

Quote:

Originally Posted by DLCarter

If you go to Google, then enter 'cross dressers', the first site up is this one. Then click on that and it doesn't get into the browsing history.

Unless the history feature hasn't changed since I had it on the last time, it should still go to the history. All pages that are loaded, should go there. How you got there shouldn't matter.

Though I haven't been using history for the past 4 years or so, they might have changed the way it works, but I doubt it.
08-15-2009, 10:50 AM
sfwarbonnet

Clear your footprints if you're on AOL. In IE delete temporary internet files and history. (I assume other browsers have a similar function.) I have no stash or pictures to hide, but I do logoff, check footprints, and restart my browser when I've been here to be sure this site doesn't come up.
08-15-2009, 12:10 PM
Rachel Morley

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenniferR771

Wife does not understand why other wives are sometimes Ok with their man crossdressing.

I wonder if she would find this an interesting read? "Accepting GGs: What makes us different?" It's an old thread that started in the FAB section and was then moved to the MTF section. In it GGs explain how they feel about their own acceptance.
08-15-2009, 05:09 PM
shesadvl

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenniferR771

She knows about me, but disapproves. Knows now that I go to this site often. And threatens me with dire consequences if I delete my surfing history.

I was at work, but for the first time, I think she read a few posts yesterday. I was hopeing she would read a few lines and get a little more relaxed.

She asked, "What is the big deal about family acceptance--why is that so important?" I couldn't give her a good answer. It is just so big to a crossdresser. She was skeptical that so many families were accepting. I said I was not sure if the mods deleted highly negative experiences or left them as stated.

I hope she will read a few more posts. Just a tiny chance that she would ever join...she is having trouble getting her mind around this. Still thinks I must be gay if I look at pictures of men (even when in drag). Not that there is anything wrong with being gay.

Wife does not understand why other wives are sometimes Ok with their man crodressing.

hey jennifer ,. as a GG oi thought oi put my :2c: in lol....

I surf through the browsing history, its mostly of this site, that my partner is mostly in,....sometimes i am not even logged in I just read,
my partner is a member here as well as myself, yes i check his browsing history, as I am intrigued as to where he goes, that I do know, and I know why he goes to some of the sites that he surfs besides crossdressers.com.

When he posts in the forum he always tells me theres something in there you may like to read, nothing is ever hidden, but he learnt a valueable lesson one day, one morning I came onto the computor to do some online banking or something like that, I had this virus alert turn up, so I checked it out, he had successfully without knowing got a virus from visiting one of his fetish sites, I checked it out and did a scan immediately and yes there were more then one, so he learnt a lesson, so he doesnt go to that particular site any more, no I dont stop him, but I dont like it, because in my mind hes feeding his fetish while hes dressed as well, and when he wants to have sex with me its not about me.:battingeyelashes: which I find a turn off, and he knows it.

Jennifer perhaps you can sit and talk with your wife, I see she asked questions, perhaps encourage her to join up get her ten posts, to come join the FAB section, those that are and have been on this forum and board are very good with advice on anything she may require to know, but as I think ReineD told a new GG member becareful what you read and dont take everything that is read to seriously as it maynot pertain to your own situation.

I think Rachel has the right idea as well... this was anonymously done and perhaps she can do the same thing. its a good way to learn.

Quote:

Rachel Morley :Originally Posted by JenniferR771
Wife does not understand why other wives are sometimes Ok with their man crossdressing.

Quote:

I wonder if she would find this an interesting read? "Accepting GGs: What makes us different?" It's an old thread that started in the FAB section and was then moved to the MTF section. In it GGs explain how they feel about their own acceptance.

my own personal opinion is in contrary to some of you that posted about ultimatums, I never saw that as being such, Perhaps those of you that do have wifes that dont like you spending to much time in here take a consideration of her, sometimes, as well, you need to spend as much time with your wife as you spend on the forum, perhaps that used in discussion on the subject of CDing create communication, lines, if she doesnt like it then use the inferance that you surf the browsing history to see what I have been doing why the interest, may get the answer and you can use that as a discussion point.

In some cases its just like stitch said....

Quote:

Anyway, my snooping it wasn't just about a lack of trust as a fear of losing him. I could feel my ex slipping away from me and I was scared.

Because thats a very real feeling I have felt this as well, but upon talking about things its not the case, as you guyz do tend to pull away when you are in your CD world, but never consider those of us that do accept that we are a very real part of this as well. So Communication talking is the best way.

Wish you all th best Jennifer.:battingeyelashes: shesadvl yup thats me:devil:

EDIT: footnote dont change your computor to stop your wife checking your browsing history, because then im a power to believe she will think YOU are HIDING something from her, just like the old saying:what a web we would weave practicing the art to deceive: if you are not generally deceptive then DONT do it. If your relationship is open and honest and she does ask questions then thats your line of communications. I mean that to everyone. :battingeyelashes:
08-15-2009, 05:48 PM
ReineD

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenniferR771

She asked, "What is the big deal about family acceptance--why is that so important?" I couldn't give her a good answer.

Simply put, your gender identification is an integral part of who you are, and you want her to accept all, not just a part of you, just as you accept all of who she is. And that it is very hurtful to be made to feel as if a part of who you are is somehow wrong, or shameful, just because society knows very little about it. Your wife needs to understand and BELIEVE there is a vast gray area between a purely male and purely female gender identification, and it has absolutely nothing to do with one's sexual preference. It is important for your wife to be able to move beyond believing in the stereotypes.

This is as good a site as any for an explanation in a nutshell.

This might help too.

As to the internet history, you do not want to erase it. You should be crystal clear about your activities here, since there is nothing to hide. You should show her all of your posts, and you should sit together in front of the computer and read some threads together so she can discuss any of her fears with you. You need to be patient with her lack of understanding since nothing in her life has prepared her for living with a transgendered person.

You can also explain to her the difference between CD and TS, and tell her that everyone posts in the M2F section, so your wife should discuss with you anything she is unsure about.
:hugs: