Reason Not To Tell Your SO

I posted in a thread down in the Loved One Section. It was about Traditional guys and Olivia2 started it, but after reading the post the posters uncovered the reason I never told my SO that I was a cder and wondered if it is the reason others do not tell.
The gg posters, for the majority stated they would like to have a male SO that treated them in a traditional way, being all male, acting as non cding males. One poster said she could not hold hands or kiss her cding male, while out and about and her SO was dressed enfemme.

That is the reason I never told my wife I was a cder. I knew she was a strong willed person and was turned on, only by a strong masculine male, that presented the traditional male role. She never knew I was a cder and I always kept it well hidden from her, by have traditional jobs, (construction worker) hobbys, friends.

I ended the marriage, by leaving her, after 40 something years of marriage, for totally non cd related issues. It would take another thread, by itself to talk about that, but my point of this thread is to list my reason for not telling her, it was to have a traditional marriage, where only one presented as a male and one a female. In other words....I put my cding desires on the back burner for her sake, in order to have the traditional marriage. Have others had this reason or have you any comments about this. Anyone who likes can post in this thread.

Your mileage my vary.

I did not tell my wife; rather she found out the hard way. She never walked in on me, but secrets tend to leak, and she found out. She didn't leave me, and our marriage is strong. But we don't discuss crossdressing, and I believe the reasons for that are much the same as the original poster here: she is traditional, and is attracted to strong, manly men. She didn't sign up for a crossdresser, and so I try my best to keep it away from her because she likes it that way. I respect her enough to do my best to give her the man she married, not the guy who likes to parade around in dresses and high heels.

Kudos to you for sharing your very honest thoughts and for standing firm in your convictions. I certainly agree with your reasoning.
mj (Cassie)

My reason for not telling is because she would think I was a pervert!!! Never planned to tell either but I got sloppy... Appearently perverts get sloppy! lol But any way... She found out. It was the worst day of my life....

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Originally Posted by TGMarla

I did not tell my wife; rather she found out the hard way. She never walked in on me, but secrets tend to leak, and she found out. She didn't leave me, and our marriage is strong. But we don't discuss crossdressing, and I believe the reasons for that are much the same as the original poster here: she is traditional, and is attracted to strong, manly men. She didn't sign up for a crossdresser, and so I try my best to keep it away from her because she likes it that way. I respect her enough to do my best to give her the man she married, not the guy who likes to parade around in dresses and high heels.

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Parade around?

What is that?

OMG Karen, what is a pervert? Too many definitions by people that don't have a clue. We are who we need to be sometimes for the people we love. I feel selfish sometimes for being who I am, not who some one wants me to be.

I know this might throw a bit of a monkey wrench into this, but my CDing boyfriend is probably one of the most masculine guys I've ever dated. He's into extreme sports, he oozes old world gentlemanliness in a very honest sort of way, and sometimes is just SUCH a boy about things. It's really not an 'act' striving towards a stereotype to show the world he's manly enough, it just happens kind of by accident, as a byproduct of his personality I think. Other, non-CDing boyfriends I've had have turned out to not have a backbone to stand up with and it leads to a very dissatisfactory relationship for me. I have always maintained that my boyfriend's feminine side (which he expresses by dressing) lets him have insights into why certain things are important to me; I honestly wouldn't have the one part without the other. He is a whole only because the 'she' is there with him. Amy, I'm so sorry that your marriage did not work out - but wouldn't you like for the next however many years you have left (should you choose to be in a relationship again) be with someone who knows and loves all of you? To whom you find all the little ways to show your love in return?

Those wives, who were unaware before the marriage ceremony that their husbands liked to crossdress, deserve to have the husband/the man that they married.

I would not use the term "traditional man", because that, in some respects, conjures up ideas of a man who demands his conjugal rights, expects his dinner on the table when he wants it, slipper and pipe ready in front of the fire, shirts laundered and ironed, expects that now optional wedding vow of obedience to be observed etc etc.

In most marriages, both parties have different hobbies that cause them to spend some time apart. CD'ing can be such a "hobby". How many wives absolutely hate it (or love it in some cases) when their husbands go out before dawn (rather like some of my early CD'ing escapades) on a hunting or fishing trip and are not seen until nightfall.

For the past five years, since retiring early, Em and I have been almost constant companions. We have many common interests, so it is rare for us to spend much time apart. There are times, now, that Em hints to me that I should spend some time as Rachael, sometimes that has ulterior motives because she knows Rachael will do more household chores than Ray and he will catch up with his chores later!

So Rachael is there at times, but Ray the man Em married is there more of the time. Rachael is never in the marital bed, that is reserved for a traditional man.

When we go out, usually I am DrAB but I am always reminded to not take too much time with my make-up. Indeed there are times when Em goes out of her way to remind me to put on eye make-up.

So there are advantages to telling your wife.

It is one of those things that you can ether focus on the reasons not to tell or the reasons to tell it all depends on which will play on your mind the most and which you consider will end up making your life the most difficult but as far as honesty and morality is concerned then i think you should tell especially if it is a big part of your life , yes this is or can be very difficult in some relationships for you are going into the unknown and once you have come out with it you cannot go back and it may make the whole way someone looks at you completely different to how they looked at you before ,so no it is not just a clear case of best to tell or best not to tell it has to be weighed up against different things but i would hazard a guess that most GGs would love the honesty and not the secrets (do not like to call them lies)
( Maybe someone should start two threads, one asking to list good reasons to come out with it and one to list good reasons not to come out with it and see if there is a winner )

I agree if you do not/did not tell then it should be no surprise that you get the reaction that I got after 15 years together. There was the normal dismay and anger, but mostly it was a feeling that this is not the person that I thought that I was in a relationship with. In my case it took another painful ten years to reach the point where we agreed that it did not work for us. She has a picture in her mind of who I was "the strong, husky, masculine protector and provider" and she was unable to transform that "traditional" view into "the person that I love no matter what". No amount of love for me was enough for her to be able to cross that chasm. Because the cat was out of the bag, for her there was no return and for me I recognized that I had to move on and evolve. I could not not be me and she could not accept the vision of anything less than a man. So the morale of the story, at least for me, is that if you want to be in a relationship with someone and you want that relationship to work for both parties and to reach its loving potential then you must be honest, right from the start, about who you are. So it has been a difficult journey to get to the point where I see no other choice but to tell your SO. You cannot live an authentic life if you are not authentic, no matter the cost be true to yourself and to those who are significant others in your life even if it means losing them.

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Originally Posted by Nomad Rachael

Those wives, who were unaware before the marriage ceremony that their husbands liked to crossdress, deserve to have the husband/the man that they married.

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I sooooo much disagree with this line of thought. Who we are is not set in stone at the date of our wedding. We all change as we age, some more than others. Life is variable and dynamic, it is not a still photograph that you have to stick by for the rest of your life. So no-one deserves their partners to always remain the same, there is no duty on anyone not to evolve into something else.

This is about choices and decisions. If you decide to maintain a stereotypical masculine image and are happy to do so then that is your choice to sacrifice so live with it. If you are unhappy with this choice then either confess and meet the consequences or leave.

Blaming your life choices on concepts like obligation and duty is to deny that you have control over your life.

THis is why I keep saying that hiding and not telling your wife or SO is wrong. It is simply lieing to her that you are not entirerly what she thinks you are. However wives that know and then have a problem is because they lied to us. They said it would not be a problem.
To be a couple you both have to be not just lovers but friends. Yes I understand that most woman don't want to be married to a male that acts like a woman because they are not lesbians. I also understand that fear is why most do not tell their SO's. It still ends the same way becasue no one can keep something like this hidden forever. Stop lieing to others and to your self. We will not change nor should we be forced to change. Want a good marriage tell the truth so you both can deal with it. If it turns out that the mariage can not work because of being a CD or TS or what ever then allow both of you to accept that also. There is they say always someone for every person and you will meet that person. I truly believe that. With truth and love a mariage will work.

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Originally Posted by TGMarla

I did not tell my wife; rather she found out the hard way. She never walked in on me, but secrets tend to leak, and she found out. She didn't leave me, and our marriage is strong. But we don't discuss crossdressing, and I believe the reasons for that are much the same as the original poster here: she is traditional, and is attracted to strong, manly men. She didn't sign up for a crossdresser, and so I try my best to keep it away from her because she likes it that way. I respect her enough to do my best to give her the man she married, not the guy who likes to parade around in dresses and high heels.

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I'm right along with this. I guess that's why we are still together after 29 years.

of many.

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Originally Posted by Babeba

I know this might throw a bit of a monkey wrench into this, but my CDing boyfriend is probably one of the most masculine guys I've ever dated. He's into extreme sports, he oozes old world gentlemanliness in a very honest sort of way, and sometimes is just SUCH a boy about things. It's really not an 'act' striving towards a stereotype to show the world he's manly enough, it just happens kind of by accident, as a byproduct of his personality I think. Other, non-CDing boyfriends I've had have turned out to not have a backbone to stand up with and it leads to a very dissatisfactory relationship for me. I have always maintained that my boyfriend's feminine side (which he expresses by dressing) lets him have insights into why certain things are important to me; I honestly wouldn't have the one part without the other. He is a whole only because the 'she' is there with him. Amy, I'm so sorry that your marriage did not work out - but wouldn't you like for the next however many years you have left (should you choose to be in a relationship again) be with someone who knows and loves all of you? To whom you find all the little ways to show your love in return?

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Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your dear BF is so lucky to have such a open-minded GF such as yourself.

Here in the States, especially in the South and the Western States women brag about how they can do anything a man can do and that they don't need a man ~ yada-yada.

But you let a man express the least hint of feminity and they want to run him out on a rail.

You can bet the farm that I'm not living that lie again!

Yes I'm a crossdresser, I like wearing women's clothes, makeup, jewelry, and getting girly.

If you've a problem with that? That's what it is! Your problem!

Have a nice day!

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Originally Posted by Dana

...Here in the States, especially in the South and the Western States women brag about how they can do anything a man can do and that they don't need a man ~ yada-yada.

But you let a man express the least hint of feminity and they want to run him out on a rail.

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I've never thought about that before... good point!

What happens when (not if, because if you live together she WILL catch you...) she finds out? It's all well and good to hide your crossdressing to "protect" her idea of your masculinity, but what about the day she finds your stash of lace undies? Now it's not about how masculine you are, but about how much of a liar you are.

Believe me, I know this from painful first hand experiance. (My motives were not quite as noble: I was just chicken!) It's better that she knows; and if you decide - together! - that she doesn't want to be involved and you keep this activity totally out of her sight: great!

Anything else is just setting yourself up for being called a liar or worse!

My wife is quite traditional and heterosexual.

This same wife, on seeing me for the first time dressed in lingerie said, "we HAVE to buy you a dress."; she has taught Tina what it's like to grow up as a girl; she treats Tina completely as her very platonic girl friend; and she treats her man as her husband in a very traditional sense.

Ok, I do love her to pieces (Tina is pretty fond of her as well), but we are quite able to maintain this separation and it very well works for us. In fact, I believe this separation (initially her idea) has allowed Tina to make the massive strides she has in these last 5 years without one stitch of guilt or anxiety. In this way the roles are clear, and Tina is free to figure out who she is without any baggage from her "male" side.

Is it just a question of understanding how each person views the situation and then dealing with it as a couple?

(hah...just! being a couple is probably the hardest thing in the world!)

tina