Jess the mess !!

When I had my pics done I was really pleased with them, but wife SO has seen them for the 1st time and described them as like a drag queen....obviously "male" me in a wig and make up...and has nicknamed me " Jess the mess"

OK so I am not going to win a modelling contract any time soon...but ouch that is harsh!!.

She has never taken much interest in the pics when I offered to show them to her before...and at her leisure she found them on the home computer and delivered her damning verdict!!

I did make the suggestion that she could assist if she thought I could look better...but that idea as quickly squashed!!

When I had my makeup done professionally, I liked the result in the mirror, but did not like how it looked in photos.

I think it is understandable for your SO to be not so keen when they see you in femme mode when they know you so intimately in male mode.

Angela

Maybe a bit harsh..but Jess the Mess seems pretty innocuous.

You can also look at it as she's relaxed enough about it too deliver a commentary. Did you ask what she would do to 'unmess the mess' or is she totally not interested in helping you out?

The first time my wife saw me dressed her response was "You look like a French w----" Wakeup call, reality check.... now I try not to overdo it.

I'm sure if you asked for her suggestions, she would be delighted to provide them; you might be able to turn a negative into a positive

I'm shocked..... That you might have expected someone who doesn't like your hobby to give you a compliment? Exactly why my wife will never see me enfemme.

Jess, if your avatar photo is an example of the photos under discussion, then I'd say she's lashing out, as you look very pretty to me in your avatar photo. Seems like many SO's hostile to having a CD'ing mate are threatened when their mate turns out to look nice when dressed and the SO's response can be quite harsh and less than honest under those circumstances.

I hope the two of you can come to some sort of resolution and that you don't take her comments to heart, as you're nowhere near being a mess from what I can see.

Carol :hugs:

Jessica that had to really hurt. I have not seen any of your pictures except for your avatar. If the rest are anything like it, then you should be very happy because you are beautiful.

Sometimes the people closest in our lives cause the most hurt with their nonacceptance. For many people, self change takes a lot of nerve especially when potentially facing the toughest critic - our spouse. Least we remember the opposite when our SO's return home with a new hair style or outfit. Damning criticism is anything but encouragement.

Babette

If she has never had much interest in you dressing and is disapproving, then nothing looks good when see through dirtily glasses. I think you look great and I will not be the only one. Hugs Annaliese

Name calling is different than saying she does not find you attractive enfemme. Being attractive to another is a subjective response that is different from person to person, some will find you attractive others will not. I think you look great and I do not find many women or men attractive regardless of how they are dressed. Sounds like an attack on your person coming from her dislike of your dressing up and attempting to discourage it.

She may be having a knee jerk reaction to your looking too good. A man being prettier than a woman is probably a bigger sin than a man whose appearance may elicit disgust, shock or dislike because he so obviously looks male

I have seen many instances of anger by women when they encounter a man who looks better enfemme than they do. They already feel insecure in relationship to other women and that just adds to their problems. We are treading on their territory of female beauty and it's subsequent power, taking from them what little power they may already have.

Somehow your dressing enfemme threatens her or takes something from her, attacks are always selfishly motivated. The question is how and or what.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't should follow the definition of man in the dictionary.

I think most Drag Queens are real sexy.

Does that help Jessica?

Hang in there girl.

SUZY

well, don't feel too bad about your wife's comments. She's viewing you with less than full enthusiasm, and that may color her appraisal a bit. Of course, the reverse may have been true for you as well. And on the other hand, there are a lot of good looking drag queens..

Look on the positive, Jess! MANY CDs would come home and find their belongs outside and the locks changed rite after their SO saw their fem pics!

And, consider the source! U know your wife, we don't! If she's a fashionista, maybe she'll eventually offer to help u. If not, maybe her comment is just sour grapes!?

She knows how you look as a male and when she sees the photos she sees a male with makeup on. So...to her you do look like a mess. I noticed something recently when I watched the Jack and Jill movie with Adam Sandler dressed up as his sister...at first, I could only see Adam because I know what he looks like (he looked like a mess)...after some time and character development I could see his sister...not a 10 , but not all that bad. Then later in the movie Adam pulled his wig off and he looked like a mess again with male haircut and makeup.... I think a lot has to do with the context of the viewer. Too bad they can't be more tactful...

Jessica, the only advice I have is to talk a lot with your SO and determine what exactly bothers her. She may have beliefs about the CDing that are not true. Or, maybe she thinks you are going too far too fast, and she is afraid of losing you. Or maybe she is afraid that others will find out and you both will be ostracized. Just keep talking together, and do your best to explain to her why you need to do this. Also try to assuage her fears and see if you can't just reach a compromise about certain things.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KellyJameson

She may be having a knee jerk reaction to your looking too good. A man being prettier than a woman is probably a bigger sin than a man whose appearance may elicit disgust, shock or dislike because he so obviously looks male

I have seen many instances of anger by women when they encounter a man who looks better enfemme than they do. They already feel insecure in relationship to other women and that just adds to their problems. We are treading on their territory of female beauty and it's subsequent power, taking from them what little power they may already have.

Somehow your dressing enfemme threatens her or takes something from her, attacks are always selfishly motivated. The question is how and or what.

---

I don't know why so many CDers post similar beliefs here, but believe me, this is completely and utterly false. Take it from a GG who understands women's reactions to the CDing.

First, the question of looking "better". It is true that some people are taller or thinner than others. Any GG who is not comfortable with her weight and has body image issues will feel a twinge when standing next to someone who is skinnier, whether this person is a CD or another GG. This is a far cry from being "angry" at them because of the way they look. It is more about self-dissatisfaction. Also, there are an equal if not greater number of GGs who are heavier than average, but who also quite like their bodies and so there is no angst about any weight difference.

Second, if it is simply the size of his breast forms compared to her natural breasts, or the amount of makeup he has on compared to her not wearing any, or his wig styling compared to her own plainer or more ordinary hair cut, or his dress and heels compared to her blue jeans, these are all things that she can easily choose to change about herself if she is genuinely interested in competing with her husband. It's not rocket science.

Third the question of "power". I'm intrigued specifically by your comment about "what little power women have". I'm not quite sure what you refer to. All of us, men and women, have varying degrees of personal magnetism, extroversion, attractiveness, etc. And most of us become quite satisfied with who we are once we mature from middle school growing pains. It's true that generally, women have their own pecking order based more on attractiveness (as compared to the male pecking order based on power). But, just like men, women don't walk around hating each other and being vicious when they are in a room with women who are higher up on the pecking order. I don't know where the idea comes from that mature women stay stuck in middle school behaviors. :p

And last, the idea that Jessica's wife attacked Jessica because she feels threatened or as if something has been taken away from her. Jessica's wife knows who she is, and no matter how Jessica chooses to present herself, this does not take away from it. Also when a wife first sees her husband dressed (if she is not keen on the CDing), the negative reaction will stem from her comparing her husband's femme look to his guy appearance (which she prefers). In her eyes, the femme appearance is not as attractive as his guy self, and this makes sense when you consider that she is attracted to men and not women. Another consideration is the state of Jessica's marriage. We don't know how close or connected they are, if there are other unresolved issues that make it more difficult for Jessica's wife to accept the CDing, and to assume that she feels her femininity is threatened is particularly narrow visioned.

I know I spent some time dispelling some myths here (and they are myths, particularly I think CD myths), but truthfully I doubt that what I've said will make any difference to some CDs, who will persist in believing these myths in order to feel better about themselves. Still I think it's important to say something in the hopes that any CDer reading this will learn to work on self-acceptance rather than persist in putting down women who are struggling with the concept of the CDing.

You know, as a professional photographer your images are not all that bad Jessica. True, the lighting is far to harsh, you ar sitting to close to the backdrop, and there should be a filter used but not bad!

You look very nice, you look soft, warm, hair nicely done and best of all female!

To critique: I would have suggested a different hand gesture, if any at all.

The best to you Jessica - you look wonderful.

Hi Jess, I am VERY impressed with some things about your post. 1. I think EVERYONE who responded had VERY accurate and pertinent things to say about your situation. I couldn't find ANYTHING I disagreed with. My SO/WIFE had very similar things to say about me, and downright NASTY things to say about my avatar pic. She said she liked my appearance very much as a man, but as a woman, including my avatar, are all just plain "BUTT UGLY". I've actually received some flattering comments about that picture.
I never expect her to say I look pretty in any of my pics. These kinds of things make me wonder just what they REALLY do think, but I agree, best not to be too awfully probing, and NEVER STOP WITH COMPLIMENTS TO THESE LADIES! Be safe and happy, Linda

I concur with Angela about the different levels of"acceptance" of a picture versus "in person". I recently had a professional makeover by Amamnda Richards and was totally enthralled by the mirror images. But not nearly as thrilled with many of the 246 pictures that she took that day.

I don't see drag queen at all. Don't know if they look different over there, but usually they have exaggerated hair and make up over here. No don't see that at all.
Sounds like something a wife whose having issues adjusting to the site or idea of her man dressing enfeme might say.

Jess the mess is much more light hearted than my wife's response.

"Yuck, you make one ugly women!"

That was the last time she saw me.

Vanessa has it right. The lighting is a bit harsh. Diffuse it a bit with a sheet or something.
That is why I stay with buildings and infrastructure photography. Portraits and weddings meant I had to deal with people.
On topic now, my wife is not completely accepting although I can wear jeans furry boots and shirt type tops out with her.
I bought a wig in LA the other day, a cheapie and it looked great. She did not come in when I bought it, but was interested when it made me look better than she had ever seen me. What I am saying is try little fashion tricks and let her see the change without prompting. Ask her and up comes the opposition.
I have a book here "What every man knows about women."
It is a great book and everyone should read it.
It has a cover and 10 blank pages.... And here WE are giving you advice on how to handle your better half.
Keep at it and I wish you every success.

JessicaJane, I like your photo! Very pretty :-) It is good to continue communicating with your SO... hopefully it'll help to work through negative feelings which may influence what she says about your crossdressing.

Plus, I know from my experiences with some of my past girlfriends that they like to have fun and throw what they think are harmless little playful jabs...
Romantic girlfriends and just even platonic friends in general often like to poke fun alot, without realizing how serious it is, or how important that it is for them to offer their more nurturing side than their more mischievous joking side.

And obviously I understand how it means alot more to us when things, both nice and not-so-nice, are coming from the mouth of the ones we love --- significant others, girlfriends / boyfriends, wives, husbands, etc.

All the best in your journey with your SO wife!