Can't believe what I've just done (srating to leave the closest?)

So I've been in the closet for the last 6 years (which is the total length I've been crossdressing for) and have been consumed with fear ever since about being discovered. I first came out to my first long term girlfriend, who treated it much like a drug addiction which must be cleansed. The only other person I've told is my current girlfriend, who is currently my fiancée'. She is much more accepting although still having some trouble completely accepting it. To get to the point of this post however, tonight I did something I had absolutely no intention of. As it is my parents 25th anniversary party today I had an absolute guarantee that my parents and sister were definitely not going to return until the next morning, thus I had the house completely to myself. As I often do in situations like this, I decided to crossdress fully, with shoes, make up and hair etc. While in the process of doing this (perhaps even before now that I think about it) I became filled with an incredible desire to go outside. It was nearing 2 in the morning so I was pretty confident that I wouldn't bump into anyone, much less someone I know. So much to my surprise, after applying some basic makeup I actually opened the door and went outside. Much to my surprise, I didn't at all feel nervous like I thought I would, although I was walking quite fast (I think that is just how I walk though). In fact I only planned to walk around in front of the shops on the other side of the road and come back, but as I did I felt like I wanted to stay out a bit more and went around the other side as well. I would have carried on and walked around and through the highstreet, but that would have required me to walk past one of my best friends houses, not to mention the highstreet isn't the safest of places even at this time unlike my street. I was wearing the same outfit as pictured in my latest post in the photo's section but with some basic makeup and hair. Still on a bit of a high and I really want to take it further, but I am still afraid of what would happen if I bump into someone I know, and neither I nor my SO can drive so I can't easily get to somewhere far away to go out. I now know without doubt I want to take this further though. The safest way of going about this I can think of would be dressing up for halloween which I definitely want to do (in fact I've found an Elvira costume specially for men)

I guess when we dress we make a conscious decision that we won't be caught. But being caught is not all that bad. They're only clothes. I guess because I never got caught and I am now past the point of worrying about I can say this. Hey as long as you don't hurt anyone go ahead. People don't want there world all messed up cause some one said it can't be that way. Wearing clothes is mandatory the kind they are should not matter. Nothing makes people gay except for being gay. If you say you are not gay I believe you.( I don't mean you I am just talking about anyone saying) What is the reason to dress up like a woman/lady/girl, well hey I like it. It doesn't hurt anyone physically. Mentally or emotionally yeah I understand but you will have to figure that out(again I don't mean you.)

Hey have fun and then have fun some more. Life is too short and we all are going to the same place. Enjoy everything in life just don't physically hurt anyone.

Tess

My first holloween out was as Elvira. I went to work and was an instant hit. Won best costume and all. It was a high point in my life.

That was ten years ago and things have progressed for Dee much from there. I would warn you, however, to check out the safety threads here and on other sites. Being out as a male is one thing in a questionable neighborhood, but being out as a female is much more risky. I've found confrences ( I love Fantasia Fair in Provincetown, MA, US, but there are many in the UK too) to be a great resource for finding comfort and safety in being and accepting yourself for who you are.

Love yourself for who you are, but be safe,

Dee :fairy1:

Yay for you! I remember my first time out in the big wide world and it too was a rather impulsive decision .... but one that I am so glad happened. I am very happy that you have decided to pursue this as I think that it is very helpful and healthy for your state of mind. All CDers (that have the inclination) should realize their desires ... which includes going out if they want to. That said, be prepared ... once that little Gene is out of her bottle she will not go back in. If all goes well you have some exciting and life affirming times ahead of you.

Good luck - Hugs Rachel

I can relate to your feelings I was that way at first as far as going out of the house.
I told this story several years ago anyway I decided it was a good make up day so I went out shopping and while trying on shoes I saw my son -in-law walking up the shoe aisle OMG!
I looked down and put the shoe on terrified.He walked right past me whew right?
I went to put the box back and at the other end was my youngest daughter double OMG!
I turned and browsed the shoe rack and she walked right past me.Then I got the hell out of the store scared to death.
Got to my car and realized they never recognized me even with a brief eye to eye contact.

I think you got the door open girl! Just be carful and don't push too hard and scare your fiancee away! Congraduations to you! Hugs!

Great job, it sure feels good. I know will enjoy doing that more often. I'm sorry that you're not able to drive and can't venture far.

Hello and well done,I dressed at home for a few years till I had toU take it further and get out dressed. I remember the first time walking around the local town dressed but no makeup or wig,just a silly ladies hat to hide my face! It was dark but it was a stupid thing to do, if I was seen or met someone I know Id be ruined, which sounds bad but its true. I learned after that if I wanted to do this right which I do,I'd have to do it well away from home. So I head to Cork which is about forty miles away and know a great salon there where I got my wig and they do my makeup and let me change there, which makes it so much easier and safe. Don't get me wrong I'd love to get girly and walk around and do the shops in my town but its too risky for me. You are fortunate that your probably not too far from London,so why not check the net to see if there is a salon or place that would help you out and go shopping in London for the day where I think no one would give you a second glance. Anyway best of luck and most of all enjoy this,when you do it and look back later you'll be amazed that you actually done it!
Bye, Emma.

Don't worry everyone I've read the safety things countless times. I stayed away from the high street which was likely to have maybe one or two people that wouldn't take too kindly to me as they tend to gather around the kebab shop.

I think going to London for a day out would be great, but I think that's a few steps above where I'm at right now (not to mention expensieve) but you are right, it's relatively close to me so it's definitely within my reach.

Thanks for all your encouraging comments girls ^_^

Happy to hear you had fun and discovered something about yourself also. Keep in mind, for future reference, your odds of being 'outed' increase each time you do this, so be prepared.

Guys I think I may have made a big mistake in doing this. My SO was not aware I was gonna do that (nor was I so it's not like I could have told her), and in telling her today she's become very upset about it, understandably so. We're working it out right now and we seem to have sorted it, but this has made it very clear to me that I have strong compulsions to do things that might feel great and liberating for me, but can at the very least worry my SO. She is fine with the dressing up as Elvira thing for Halloween, but she wants me to do it next year so that it will 'shock' our university friends more (my day to day self gives absolutely no clue as to what you see on here). I think these compulsions will lessen to almost nothing when I go back to university as the town there is much bigger than my village down here. There will be a higher likely hood of discovery, as I'm less familiar with the area, I'll be living with three friends and there will a large number of people I know quite well all living close by, whereas there is only 1 guy that lives close by me here, everyone else living a bit further out. I'd like to point out that during the course of writing this we've talked it through and come to an agreement, but I think I need some advice on how to better express myself without going out each time I feel girly and no ones around.

If you can have her go with you when you get the urge to go out.
I'm so happy you are talking this out, communication is the key.

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Originally Posted by xdressed

... I think these compulsions will lessen to almost nothing when I go back to university ... but I think I need some advice on how to better express myself without going out each time I feel girly and no ones around.

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Thrilled with the experience, you think the motivation will subside? No way. Yes, involvement with other things is good, get on with life. But recognize that each success is a threshold.

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Originally Posted by Lainie

Thrilled with the experience, you think the motivation will subside? No way. Yes, involvement with other things is good, get on with life. But recognize that each success is a threshold.

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Oh I will still feel the need to dress up and such I know that, but moving to such a different area where there is more chance of being outed or coming across someone less than accepting of CDing is going to change how I act. I would like my SO to go out with me, but I think that might be a step too far for her atm, she's suffers from extreme bouts of worry and stress and I don't think she would be ready for it just yet. Maybe when Halloween comes around people's reactions to me dressed as Elvira will hopefully ease her thoughts a bit

Congratulations Rihannon, I can feel how excited you must have felt on your first venture out in public. That is the one trip that will remain in your mind forever. Each trip you take from now on will be full of satisfaction and confidence. In my own experience the first time out was one of the greatest feeling I have ever experienced.

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Originally Posted by xdressed

Guys I think I may have made a big mistake in doing this. My SO was not aware I was gonna do that (nor was I so it's not like I could have told her), and in telling her today she's become very upset about it, understandably so.

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Why is it understandable for her to be very upset about you walking around in front of your house? Just because she thinks it's unsafe?

Halloween is in 3 months. You're excited about being Elvira, but you're OK about putting it off for a year?

Here's the thing. You're on a crossdressing/transgender forum. You don't sound like this is some kinky thing you like to do with your SO in the bedroom. These are legitimate issues you have had for at least six years. Do you think it is realistic to say "I think these compulsions will lessen to almost nothing when I go back to university"? If they do then that's awesome. But if you ask around I don't think you'll find much hope for that -- although I guess it's pointless to ask on this forum since people who are active posters would definitely be skewed towards saying they don't.

If they don't, there are a couple things that would be helpful to keep in the back of your mind moving forward:

Most people start off pretty ashamed of this. And you say you're in the closet, you hope it will go away, and you're "consumed with fear about being discovered." That's all understandable. But it shows that you haven't accepted it. So you have to be careful, because when you came out to your fiancée I'm sure it was obvious that you were ashamed of it -- or at least that you aren't comfortable with it and haven't accepted it. And if you can't accept it, there's no hope that she will. To the contrary, society has some ingrained opinions of what kind of pervert wants to dress up in women's clothes, and you being ashamed of it confirms to others that it is something you shouldn't be doing. It's perfectly normal for people you date to treat it like a drug addiction, to want you to stop, and even to leave you if you if it becomes a bigger problem and it is clear that you won't stop. Because you treat it like a problem you're ashamed of.

Confidence is a thing that sort of compounds on itself and makes things better and better if you have it and worse and worse if you don't. Women are attracted to confidence. Not obnoxious over-confidence. Just being secure in yourself and in control of your life and able to talk to women. And especially when you're in a university environment, a women will become even more attracted to you when she sees that other women are attracted to you. I'm not talking about hitting on women in front of her. I'm just saying that if women want to talk to you then it lets her know that you're an good catch and makes her much more into you. And lack of confidence will do the exact opposite. If you let the crossdressing thing eat away at your confidence and you start apologizing for it and saying you're trying to stop, you're going to be in a bad place. Especially if you don't make it clear that you still have plenty testosterone and you're totally into her. Because the best way to end up in the friend zone is for her to think you're secretly gay. And just trying to hide it means you'll eventually get caught and she won't trust you. So your only real option is to be honest and accept it but not apologize for it and not let it take away from you being the cool guy that is into her.

I know two guys who married very religious women. I'm talking about hardcore Christian women who went on missionary trips -- one to the middle of nowhere in Africa, and one worked at orphanages in Mexico. Not women I could ever have dated, but they're both actually very attractive and pretty cool to hang out with. Not really what you'd expect from missionaries.

ANYWAY, these guys both got married, and a couple years later both of them got caught with a lot of porn on their computers.

The first guy was ashamed of it, apologized for it, and said he wouldn't do it again. Then he got caught again. He apologized again, and promised he would get some kind of "help" for his sexual addiction. He went to some kind of Christian sex addiction rehab thing that was supposed to cure him. And then she caught him with porn again several months later and divorced him.

The second guy just explained to his wife that he masturbates now and then and it's something he keeps private but it's not something he thinks is wrong or is ashamed of, and if she's not comfortable with that then she can pretend it doesn't happen and they don't have to talk about it, but it's not something he can honestly say that he'll stop doing, so she'll just have to accept it. And they have a healthy relationship and have sex a couple times a week and everything is just fine.

I'm not ashamed of crossdressing, although I was when I came out to my SO. I do fear what others would make of it though, I know for a fact that certain friends and family would have a hard time coming to terms with it, although many would probably be more accepting. The main reason I stay in the closet is because they don't really need to know about it at this point, not until I am comfortable enough to 'really' get out there. It was thanks mainly to this site and dA that I realised really what crossdressing meant to me and how I had no reason to be ashamed, but I don't think I've been able to pass that mindset entirely onto my SO yet. I am generally confident in my day to day life (you have to be if you front a metal band like I do for example) and oddly I didn't feel nervous or scared at all when I went out last night.

I kinda got away with the long hair and painted nails for a long time because I like metal and play the guitar. :)

Well it sounds like you're doing pretty well. You know, a lot of people are kinda lonely and reaching out when they start threads on here, but you don't really sound like that. I wasn't trying to make any assumptions. And I'm certainly in a different place being TS. There's nothing wrong with you being in the closet for the rest of your life if you're happy doing the regular guy thing most of the time.

I just feel bad for a lot of people, because everybody I know with gender issues is just a fascinating person who anybody would like (except a few who are just nuts and antisocial), but so many of them are just fragile and have no self-esteem and let life just beat them down.

Always good to see another metal fan ^_^

I don't particularly want to stay in the closet the rest of my life, but I doubt I'll fully leave it. I'm glad that I rarely have any self esteem issues about anything, because only a few years ago I was very much dominated by them.

You are out there now there's no turning back now.

Must get better at make up before I do anything like this again though, it was actually pretty rushed at the time.

Just spent about 2 hours outside doing much the same thing as before!

What, walking around at night? How's the makeup coming?

You have to pretend you're actually going somewhere or you'll look like a hooker :)

Rihannon, they are all small progressive steps, stay honest with your fiancee about everything and I am sure you will quickly gain confidence.
All the best for now.

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Originally Posted by xdressed

.So much to my surprise, after applying some basic makeup I actually opened the door and went outside. Much to my surprise, I didn't at all feel nervous like I thought I would, although I was walking quite fast (I think that is just how I walk though). In fact I only planned to walk around in front of the shops on the other side of the road and come back, but as I did I felt like I wanted to stay out a bit more and went around the other side as well. I would have carried on and walked around and through the highstreet, but that would have required me to walk past one of my best friends houses, not to mention the highstreet isn't the safest of places even at this time unlike my street. I was wearing the same outfit as pictured in my latest post in the photo's section but with some basic makeup and hair. Still on a bit of a high and I really want to take it further, but I am still afraid of what would happen if I bump into someone I know, and neither I nor my SO can drive so I can't easily get to somewhere far away to go out. I now know without doubt I want to take this further though.

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Aaaaah.............you're on the road to hell Rihannon! :heehee:

I know, because this is what I did one night, and now I've been out 3 times, the last with my wife. This week, I'm away on business for 3 nights, planning on using the hotel one night en femme and checking out to drive home en femme too.

Just be careful of the local @r5e pieces that frequent our streets late at night my friend. Other than that, WICKED! Have a great many enjoyable experiences. :) When I step out dressed, I know I AM alive......flying high under the spell of life!

Rebecca x