being Stuck between a rock and a hard place makes Jess a bit of a mess

Ok deep breath...

I'm struggling a bit at the mo...nothing new there, coming out as Jessica to my wife some years back hasn't solved my problems...if anything it has left me with more choices and greater uncertainty....

So why post this, well I need to learn to ' see the wood for the trees' and sometimes other peoples perspectives can do this, and I guess there may be others who are feeling the same way it nice to know you not the only one...

7-8 years ago I would never ever have dreamed of going out of the house dressed, other than some pitiful covert drive around the block with my heart pounding.....fast forward to the present and my life is unrecognisable in many ways, I still operate as a man, husband and father but I reasonably frequently 2 -3 times per month with friends I get to go shopping, go out for meals, cinema, coffee, beauty salons etc etc, (you get the picture) as Jessica, I leave the house dressed and return that way...my children know, and are coping with the news with apparent ease, and whilst my wife struggles she tries sooo hard to find a way to accept at least on some level.

I have been able to express my femininity in the home to a controlled degree and family discussions over the colour of my toe nails and newest wigs have been and gone without causing a stir.....

It should be utopia, I should be so happy , content and enjoying the dual life but its just not working out that way...

I have always considered my self a cross dresser, by that I mean somewhere at the start of the trans scale, it is not about clothing so much as an expression of what is within, but I have never considered myself Transsexual...I don't want to be ...I cant bare the thought of loosing the relationship I have....but I am feeling at a loss to explain my mood of recent, I have an aching feeling constantly in side that it is not enough, I was at the cinema the other night and was just sitting there feeling a fraud...I hated being in a wig it wasn't my hair, I just didn't feel authentically feminine enough......it wasn't about what I was wearing it was that my body was male...and its frightening me.

I have made an agreement with my wife that there are no hormones in the marriage, and in truth if I hadn't done that I am almost certain I would be on them now....for the first time in my life I am considering transitioning at some stage....and that is crazy, not wishing to offend but it is such a hard gig to live out, relationship wise, job wise, friends etc etc....and yet each passing day the unthinkable is becoming the possible .....

do I just need to give my self a slap and wake up, have I been given too much rope and now I am hanging myself, will this phase pass and I will start to appreciate what I have rather than what I don't.....

I have started to research the impact of hormones, can a transition be done at a slower pace 5-6+ years or is it jump on the express train of 2-3 and can you still pass as male after 2-3 years on hormones at least job wise or does breast development mean its not a realistic option?

How do I learn to live and appreciate what I have and avoid detonating a relationship/life nuclear bomb in the form of taking hormones and transitioning ....Help..!!

My friend, " the grass always seems greener, on the other side of the fence." Human nature is never satisfied, for long. It would be good to talk to a good counselor or therapist, write down all the possible positives on side of a paper, and all the possible negatives on the other side. Please put your relationship with your mate and kids first. i never got to have a wife. Balancing things might still be your best thing, as you have been doing. There is too much to lose, so maybe accept the good thing you have, and keep it that way. Things could be so much worse!

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Originally Posted by Jessicajane

I just didn't feel authentically feminine enough...

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You don't sound panicky at least, which is a very good thing. I agree with Alice that it could be time for some well qualified professional counselling.

I wonder if full transitioning would ever mean you felt 'authentically feminine', since you can never escape the fact that you were born male. Do you know yourself well enough to be sure of the answer to that? It's just that I'm wondering if the dissatisfaction you feel might be rooted in something else and perhaps you're focusing on gender because the crossdressing desires are so conspicuous. If you know to your core that I'm totally on the wrong track, you're a step closer to answering your question- you simply may have no choice but to detonate the bomb. I don't think 'slap and wake up' is going to do it.

What would the transition get you? As Nikki pointed out, you were still born male. What does "I just didn't feel authentically feminine" mean in specifics? You mentioned the wig-you can let your hair grow longer without hormones. Wigs give you more choice than natural hair, but you can let hair just grow. many men have ponytails. Real breasts? That may be too late for real growth and implants may not be much better than external silicon add ons. Loss of genitals? hard to see benefits there based on not feeling transsexual. Do you need more support from wife that you are feminine? - may be hard for her but consider alternative. Therapist may help you sort out imagined desires from needs. Or you can post and this wonderfully varied group can make suggestions and you decide which hits the right chords for you.
Hugs, Ellen

You need to see an experienced gender therapist. Forget the transition research until you see a real pro

Follow your own advice ---- take a deep breath. Then realistically list the pros and cons of the changes you are considering and the long range implications, not just the short
range pleasures. There are real costs involved in any transition. Are they worth it?

Lots of great advice here and on other threads. Pro help will be necessary to go further and
may help you in your direction. All the best.
Hugs

Jess - that's a really heartfelt post... I can feel your uncertainty and also the seeming pressure that is pushing you from within... :hugs:

Couple of observations from an amateur... :)

Making an early agreement about there being no hormones tells me that was probably what you WERE considering a possibility at the time - that is a huge step, not undertaken lightly or without professional advice...

The fact that you have come out, and go out comfortably is something that many of us do WITHOUT being transexual. Actions are not necessarily a reliable indicator of what is happening deep within you - that definitely needs professional help... You have to be prepared for the possible complete destruction of your existing life and a rebuilding job from scratch. If you can even contemplate that then, probably, that professional help can't come soon enough, however much it costs... and if you have fully blown GID - so to speak - you'll have to go through that in order to feel yourself again... :)

I wish you the very best of luck with this...

Katey x

You are going to have to figure out who you are - are you a man or a woman? A therapist can help you figure this out but - be honest here - you already know the answer to this question, don't you?

As for the speed of transition, you can take this pretty slowly, and as long as you aren't in great emotional distress because of your gender, that is usually OK.

Can you pass as a man after 2-3 years? That depends, and is highly variable and dependent on your unique biology. I know people who pull this off for a job, but:
- they have to wear a binder
- their face wasn't as heavily affected by estrogen as some
- they work remotely, so they don't have to pull this trick off very often.

After 2-3 years of transition, though, I wouldn't bet the farm on it in general. You are unlikely to hide this from your spouse for that long.

It also has another problem - you don't get much practice being a woman. The social and psychological aspects of transition are often harder than the physical ones.

Also, what does putting it off accomplish? At some point, you are liable to want to live your life as a woman, as your authentic and true self. That's hard to hide from those who know you.

And yes, the price of transition is often very high. Many of us lose marriages, family, friends, kids, material possessions and careers. But some don't.

But let me point something out to you about myself. All the stuff I lost - and I lost a lot - hurt. But that life now seems irrelevant and unreal to me. It was all a lie. I miss the relationships, based on a lie though they were. Everything else? Meh.

Perhaps it is the time of year. I get extremely crossdressy in the winter and want (and deserve)much more Becca time. When spring breaks I am usually focused on my other obligations. I don't know if there is any similarity. Therefor I cant offer any advise as I am not connecting with my wife right now because I resent not being able to be a lady in her presence.
P.S. You are quite lovely

Jessica,

Yes, the best advice given is " Time to talk to a professional counselor/therapist." You can go as fast or as slow as you as deem is right for you. A good therapist will guide you, allow you to search for the answers you seek, for as PaulaQ said, you already know the answer. When it comes to these major life decisions, we often just need a kind hand to assist us realize the answers.

Good Luck, Dear.

Cassie :love:

I read and reread you post. I find a number of similarities between your situation, particularly the realization of many things that you might never have imagined possible some years ago, and the nagging desire for more. In my case and stage in life, I choose see myself as having options rather than dwelling on the discomfort of presenting as male. You may or may not feel you have a choice....to me that's the critical dividing line between TG and the TS band of the transgender spectrum. If you are having difficulty sorting out and making those choices, then by all means consult with a gender therapist. This isn't about being diagnosed as one thing or another, but rather about clarifying and prioritizing your values.

Jessica,

You are very pretty and I would guess you pass very well. I feel your pain asI too wish I could be authentic as I don't like to pretend and am a perfectionist. Sometimes I just feel stupid when dressed and other times very feminine. Wish it could be all the time, but we must make choices. How cool would it be to wear real hair and have real breasts? A vagina, not so much.

But, what a hassle as well. And the ruining of my relationship with my wife. Just not worth it. So, we must do what we must do, each in our own way, in a solitary way usually, it seems, without support other than this forum.

so, while it may seem like it's worth it to transition, the cost is just too high. I found that hair removal is a good compromise. Amazing in how feminine it seems after it's finished. Still need to do my face and can't wait! Hormones? Sounds exciting, but too much baggage.

Sounds like therapy is a great option for you, and maybe me too, if I could find one where I live. Good luck. We're never satisfied, are we?

Thanks all who have commented, I appreciate the view points...

Here's the thing...I don't actually know what I am or for that matter trust my judgement these days...the reason I say that is that I have changed as a person so much I don't actually know myself that well...ok that sounds stupid but here's the thing...7-8 years ago I was confident in my assessment of myself, knew what I was and where I was going...guess in truth I was very male in my opinions and confident in me......

Now days I haven't a clue where I am going on this journey seriously not a clue...all I do know is that I have introduced femininity into my life on all levels, and whilst still very male in many ways, it seems to be sufficiently feminine to totally confuse my compass...

I am not going to rush into anything that will cost my marriage, but will look to seek some counselling...AGAIN...!!

just a few comments on a couple of things written...

Nikki I am not panicking at this stage...not sure if that is good or bad...I just seem resigned to the fact that I am not and never will be "man"
Paula interesting insight into effects of HRT...I am surprised all I have read indicates that once passed first puberty then bone structure etc doesnt change, so if I needed to buy time as a man, whilst I get the kids through school etc... wouldn't male hair cut , clothes etc cut he mustard to the general public...I work in sales...and breast size I understand can take eons to grow and usually need additional surgery?
Christinak - thanks for that hun, but don't be fooled its a professional pic...lol...not photo shopped, but not recreatable in real life either...I changed the avatar to a home taken one...probably more realistic...!!

Thanks everyone for their posts I am going to sleep on some of the things said..xx

Jess, HRT will cause the fat in your body to redistribute. And while you are correct that HRT doesn't affect the bone structure of your face or body at all, you don't appear to gave and overly masculine facial structure. And the redistribution of fat in our faces has a softening, feminizing effect. Have you ever had some tell you, after you'd lost some weight, "wow! Yes you did! I really see it in your face!" Our minds are optimized for facial recognition, and even subtle changes are noted subconsciously by the observer.

I've gone from nothing to a B cup in 18 months. I know women who've developed faster, and I know women who, two years later still have next to nothing in terms of breast development.

I'm not trying to encourage nor discourage you from starting HRT, or transition. I'm simply trying to explain that there are a range of possible outcomes for normal HRT dosages, and that individual results are highly unpredictable. However, in general, this stuff works, and over time measured in years, the results are usually significant.

Other effects you could expect would include some emotional changes, and depending on what and how much you take, and again your biology, you'll likely find you have can no longer have or maintain an erection. (I still get them, which is a curse because I HATE the way they make me feel. I'm on a pretty large dose of Spiro, so without resorting to non-FDA approved T-blockers, I'm likely stuck with them until surgery next year.) Anyway, this is one of the things your wife is apt to notice.

The biggest risk you face with what you seem to be considering, other than your wife finding your hormone stash and divorcing you anyway, is reaching a stage where you don't pass well as either a man or a woman, and at that exact moment, this slips out and your life blows up. Most of us go through a stage like that in our transitions, and if you go slowly, it stands to reason you might be in that state longer than average. If you look like that, it can be damned hard to find work.

Again, not trying to sway your decision in any way, just inform you of risks.

Hi Jess. Such a thoughtful post ! First, yes, get thee to a good gender therapist. Second, keep posting, as in don't go silent. Third, you appear to have your wits about you, and this is good, so keep that up. Forth, try not to put the cart before the horse. While it is a good idea to keep the big picture in mind, it can sometimes be overwhelming. So break it down into manageable steps. I agree with others. Try not to worry about HRT etc until you engage a therapist to help you get some clarity.

Wishing you well. Keep us up to date!!

Erin

BTW 5-6 years for transition isn't unreasonable. There are a number of things you should think about though.

First of all, transition isn't a thing, it's a bunch of different things:
- Medical: HRT, hair removal, hair replacement, FFS, BA, GCS (which of these are needed, desired is up to the individual)

- Job: Unless you are independently wealthy, you will need, at some point, to work as a woman

- Legal: At some point, you will fund life quite difficult if your name and gender marker on government and other IDs and accounts don't line up

- Social: You have to come out to people at some point. You'll have to get used to your life as a woman, doing the routine things in the world all of us do. You are likely to need to learn makeup & clothing. Get voice coaching (again, optional), but I list it here as voice is certainly a big part of social interaction.

- Psychological: You are going to have unlearn a LOT of things from your socialization as a male. You'll need to deal with new feelings, and the pressures of transition. You get to become your true, authentic self. You should make sure she's a good person.

This is a lot of stuff. There is a tendency for people to focus on only the medical side of transition, hoping that they can change over time, under the radar, and then pop on the scene as this beautiful woman.

I've never actually seen that work out well. I think it helps a lot if you can plan this stuff in an orderly way, and work on parts of several transition steps over time. Note: I didn't do this, but I was pretty desperate. I just dove in, sink or swim.

I will also tell you that putting off coming out is not my favorite strategy. To some degree, we all have to do this. I'm not saying don't be strategic about this, you need to plan this carefully.

But at some point, you are going to need space to learn and grow as a woman, and trying to hide all of that is an enormous amount of pressure on a person. Being out, even in limited ways, gives you some room to grow. And believe me, you'll need some.

For a lot of us, it's a race between medical, social, and job transitions. Ideally, you can come out at work, and then show up as this relatively poised woman. Looking for work while you are in kind of an awkward, in-between phase, is usually a hard situation.

All the relationships you annotated are really secondary to the relationship you have with your wife. Yes, you can get a new job. You can dump old friends for new ones. Even your children and parents may accept the change. How about the woman you are married to? What's her take on taking hormones and/or transitioning? Are you willing to trade her in for another, if she is not accepting of this change or even body modification?

You need to ask for her input. She may not go along for the ride.

You are a beautiful girl no matter what you choose. It will work out like it is supposed to in the end.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

You need to ask for her input. She may not go along for the ride.

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Wrong. We own our identities. It is absolutely no one else's business, and no one has a right to tell us who we must be. Marriages break up all the time. I know the prospect of that is painful, but if someone needs to transition, everything else is secondary. It has to be that way.

By the way, don't underestimate the difficulties of finding a job during transition. This can be EXTREMELY difficult, depending on what you do.

Paula -we do own our own identities, but when we marry, we take reponsibilities for how our behavior affects our spouse. "It has to be that way" you said. Why does it?

Do we simply say "Look dear, from next week I'm going to start to be a woman. Now don't fuss, shape up or ship out"