Hope vs. reality when coming out

I had a private message conversation with one of my friends here and she warned me about the likelihood of wavering commitment from those who initially pledge their support when we come out. I have reported earlier that as my friends go, I have been extremely fortunate to have received verbal messages of support in every case. My family initially did the same, but how quickly things change. Several male members of my family have wavered significantly since that initial supportive conversation. My brother (and my relatively new, rather shortsighted sister-in-law) have been highly critical about me in private to my father and step-mother, so much so that my step-mother has said announced she will no longer engage in such conversations about me if they will be all harsh, critical personal attacks. My 78-year-old father, on the other hand, was initially supportive, but then quickly retreated in that support, but is now slowly coming back around to openly talking with me again. (Family-wise, these are all phone conversations, as I am living on the opposite side of the North American continent from my family.) I make sure to NOT bring up my TG issues with him, if only to demonostrate that this is not the only thing in my life and it does not solely define who I am -- I am still the same child I always was, but only now they know my truth. I also have one older friend who, while initially pledging his support, has seemingly more or less shunned me since that conversation.

So I wanted to pose this question to the members of this forum. What were your experiences with people who were initially giving lip service to being supportive but then drifted away (or perhaps became more overtly hostile) as your transition became more physically obvious? And to the contrary, did you experience anyone who was initially hostile who eventually came around and re-established a relationship with you? I have only even accepted myself as trans for the 7 months of 2015, and publicly, I only started coming out since February (and I am still coming out -- I finally came out to the last group on my list, my teammates at work, just today). I'd love to hear your stories, to learn what you experienced as a means for me to understand I might really be facing in terms of true personal loss as I continue down this road (not that it will change anything, as there is no turning back for me). Thank you for sharing!

Karen

it's never fun when we have to wait for others to process all of this, especially when they backpedal on their support. so far in my situation only a couple people who have pledged initial support have been less than lukewarm, and those are not family members. more time that I have a lot of family to process this, the more they have come around to me and it opened up, some of them very slowly, but none the less have opened up to me.

Seems like time does much healing for many but not all. Some people simply cannot accept this and I feel bad for them.

as I finally start my physical transition I can report back to you on my findings. I suspect it will be peril from what people have said in terms of their support because enough time has elapsed they know I'm serious it seem physical changes already even though I've presented only in my old me so far.


Sorry about the lack of capitalization, trying a voice to text program. Its so much easier than typing on these little bitty devices :-)

Not sure what you have been telling everyone,so no comment to that. Your phone may ring less and you can put a line [in pencil] through some of your contacts in your book,however,over time,some will reestablish contact in some form. You have distance from your family,and that is a good thing. Surround yourself with new friends that "get it" and you won't miss the others that didn't.

In my experience, most people who began as strongly accepting and supportive remained so. However, there are a few who seem to cycle. I take this as part of the process of learning and growth. Of course there may be those who present a favorable facade, but like your brother and sister in law, are hostile beneath.

In my case, the level of support has not wavered. I came out to my family more than a year ago and to the entire world three months ago and I have not noticed changes. Only in one case is a long-standing friend uncomfortable with me, but he was uncomfortable from the get-go.

The level of acceptance from most has not changed much. Right away some of my family - my kids- rejected me completely, while others were ok. No changes in the last year and a half.

if your family is far away then your best bet is not to talk about it too much. Consider each correspondence in the context of why bother even bringing it up...consider each disclosure about each step on a need to know basis.

remember you are not living for the telling... you are living for you.
Most can't or won't process this and you have to accept it and your only answer is to live and thrive

Take the highest road you can. Let them know you are thriving as a human being. They really have no say or impact on your gender. Don't make demands on them. Assume they are on your side and if they are not move on.
All easier said than done

I'm answering this way because its impossible to predict and all of our experiences are all over the map. I wouldn't be surprised if in your deepest intuitive mind you already know the answer to your question and I think we are all best served to focus on what we can do and control and let the chips fall. and a big part of that in my opinion is taking that high road and keeping in mind that we are really challenging other people

Well, there is something wrong with me. I form relationships quickly and enjoy them immensely, but I can leave anybody any time without looking back.

I was prepared for everyone to abandon me, so I basically abandoned them first. The people that are in my life post transition are the ones who reached out to me.

Streisand was wrong, people who need people are NOT the luckiest people of all. :-)

LOL
so true Melissa!!!

For me it was more that i embedded distance into every relationship right from the start...its easy when you feel like you are making up your life as you go along just trying to blend in as a guy...

the only caveats for me were my mom and dad and wife and kids... and we all stayed really close and constructive..pretty much everybody else drifted and i honestly couldn't care less

on the other hand, i admit that this 50 year entrenched behaviour makes it hard for me to build new relationships because i still don't really feel a pull to be close to people...
i wonder if that sets me more apart from some other transitioners (ie it was a bit easier for me once i pulled the trigger)

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Originally Posted by Badtranny

I was prepared for everyone to abandon me, so I basically abandoned them first.

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That's too bad, really. I did not abandon anyone and almost everyone stayed with me. In particular, my mother, sisters and children are all extremely supportive and we're still very close. I guess I'm lucky.

My case is a bit different than others here. I came out and transitioned back in 1980. That was a lifetime ago. Societal attitudes were much different. They were more harsh, hurtful, and belittling back in those days. In many places, the law had just been amended to where a man walking down the street in a dress would not be arrested. Just a few short years before this, if you came out as gay or transgender you were shipped off to the looney bin and experimented on.

When I came out I was immediately disowned by my family. All of my friends cut ties and left me. I lost my job. Basically, I was dumped on the dung heap and left to survive on my own. Survive I did. As my career started to take off and good things began to happen for me, a few of my former friends started reappearing in my life. It took 30 years but all of my family and friends returned. Even my father was one of my best friends before he died.

It is not fun. It is a lot of work. It can be done if that is what you want. Today attitudes are changing towards us. I hope you do not have to go through what I did.

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Originally Posted by Karen62

What were your experiences with people who were initially giving lip service to being supportive but then drifted away (or perhaps became more overtly hostile) as your transition became more physically obvious?

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Never happened for me. I came out after I went full time so it was too late for anyone to complain. Also, I only came out to the few (like 3) people who really mattered, and I let the rest find out on their own. And since they were close to the ones who mattered they tended to be just as supportive.

The acceptance-rejection thing becomes much more of a problem when it's a public group affair, but that didn't apply when I only involved those whom I knew really cared about my wellbeing. I know, this isn't possible or even a good idea for everyone, but it worked for me.

OI have had a wide range of reactions. My mother seemed fine when I shared a little about my gender issue. She was with me when I bought an outfit and I thought everything was ok. Not! She has not spoken to me since Christmas. That was and will be the last time my family sees me as a male. My step father is trying and we are talking by phone.

My former minister and his wife were like second parents to me. They have stopped all communication with me. They believe I am going against God. That one probably hurts the most.

But now to the good stuff! My sister put me on her timeline as her sister just last week. I received a thank you card from my nephew that said Aunt Suzanne! I had a 50th birthday party with over 20 guests, mostly female, that gave me femenine gifts for the first time in my life,

Finally, my wife has grown closer to me and become more supportive during the process. My three children support me whole heartedly. My AA women friends have been so inclusive of me. If people miss the opportunity to love us, they miss out on miracles!

Suzanne

This is why I won't come out to my family as it will never be accepted even if they say it will. Would definitely cause unnecessary grief so with them I'm still in the closet and out to the friends that do accept. Limits my dressing at time be I like things more calm in my life!

I had a number of male friends who I came out to. I'd been friends with these guys for more than 30 years. Initially they were very supportive. As time passed, and as I startex to as well (pass that is), a funny thing happened. They became very uncomfortable around me. We really don't speak anymore. I mentioned in another thread that I'm reaching out to them one last time, but I'm not optimistic.

My kids are going the same way, I fear. They started out trying, but I doubt they'll have much to do with me in the long run.

My mom and sister have been great though, all along.

So far, only one person has been openly hostile towards me since coming out. Most, including family, have said they'll support me, unconditionally. A few friends said they didn't understand what I was going through, but we're friends, and that's all that matters, no matter what. A few seem a little distant now, but I'm hoping they're just trying to get an understanding of what I'm going through. I don't talk about what I'm doing unless I'm asked. I am quite tired though, of explaining that I am trans, and getting the same two questions in return; "So you're gay?", and, "So you gonna get your dick cut off?" ......... Vanilla's; ya can't live with them, and you can't shoot them.

Leah

As much as we wish it didn't happen, changing genders changes the way we interact with people. The guy that felt comfortable with me drinking beer and wrenching on cars may not want a female friend who does the same. I really can't blame them for that and, chances are, such a person would drift away.

Most regular people who work with us, like us or love us sympathize with our condition and want us to be happy; but it may be hard for them to actually be seen in public with a transgender person. I know because I was once there myself, and I'm sure it was precisely because I was then a closeted MTF that I felt it very strongly. I was afraid people would guess I was transgender, by virtue of whom I was standing next to. I'm not saying everyone is a closeted transgender who gets flustered about being seen with someone they always knew as a man, who is suddenly presenting as a woman, but it's still insecurity that creates the nervous response. And that is something independent of what a person believes in the abstract. We can only hope that their embarrassment will pass with time, information and with our greater "passability."

Meanwhile, I especially value the friends who couldn't care less when some stranger looks at me sideways. After all, that's the way I feel myself.

:) Lallie

I got lucky, all the people that were supportive when I came out stayed this way when I switched to full-time.

However, my brother said he was supporting the first day, but he was confused, and over time, it became a problem for him, I was a weirdo (he had no idea that transitioning existed). But after he saw me in real-life when I traveled to France in April, that changed everything, he is OK with it now. My parents also had some difficulty for a few weeks, but seeing me in real-life was a game changer.

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Originally Posted by Karolyn

seeing me in real-life was a game changer.

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Yes, this was my experience too. I came out at work on a Thursday (and had booked the next day off.) I could tell my employees were very apprehensive because they could not visualize me as a woman. Once they actually saw me on the Monday, it was fine. Their reaction was mostly "Wow, you actually look a lot better than I imagined". They didn't actually say that out loud, but I could tell they were thinking it. :)

And since then at work, it's been completely business as usual.

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Originally Posted by Karolyn

but seeing me in real-life was a game changer.

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I think the key word here is 'real-life'.

Since this is a thread about coming out, then we need to be clear about the damage that secrets can do. If you're going to live a real life, then you need to come out as whoever you have been hiding from the world.

This idea that one can sort of transition or be 'almost' out is as ridiculous as being almost pregnant. One is either free, or they are not. There is no hope for those who pretend, and the only real benefit of coming out is freedom.

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Originally Posted by Karolyn

but seeing me in real-life was a game changer.

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I agree that this is key. Two things I think may help acceptance. One is seeing each other in person. Sometimes that settles thoughts and helps the person see that all is well. The other is making it personal. It is easy to not accept something until it affects someone you know. Very cool Karolyn!

Of course this is no where near all encompassing. It is another tool in our kit so to speak. There are so many factors it remains difficult and we can only stack the odds in our favor to a point.

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Originally Posted by Sue

Of course this is no where near all encompassing. It is another tool in our kit so to speak. There are so many factors it remains difficult and we can only stack the odds in our favor to a point.

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Another key point is allow others to see you successfully accept and thrive in your new situation.

Nothing has changed for me in two years. The ones that were OK with it still are and the ones that weren't still aren't.

Listening and learning from all the different people who are or have transitioned it seems the "world they transition out of" as that unique environment that they are transitioning inside of, strongly determines what they will experience as they transition.

As an example, in my life no one was shocked and many expected me to transition because I have lived inside the LGBT world along with being one of those "weird theatre artist types". I never fit into any mold or could be defined. Always odd, different and a misfit and spent more time in gay bars than straight bars and bent gender roles into every twisted shape imaginable so that I could finally breath.

I'm not religious even though very spiritual and do not have close ties to family. I carefully avoided having relations with anyone "invested in keeping me from changing" because I always struggled with the pull of gender dysphoria. (toward my natural and actual gender identity).

Because I always felt trapped and caged I avoided attachment bonds with others to "keep a path of escape open" even before I understood what I was trying to escape.

I did not care what people thought unless I was concerned for my physical or financial survival.

I cannot imagine the additional layers of trauma that being married or having restrictive complicated social ties must add to the already substantial burden of transitioning.

I doubt I would have survived what I have seen many go through here on this forum. I'm simply not that strong of an individual and probably would have suicided out to cope with the impossible and insurmountable.

To understand what lies ahead look at the world you are transitioning "inside of"

This could be where you live. The religion you or your family practices. Your age. Your standing in the community. How conservative this community is. How strongly you care about protecting others emotionally from the consequences of your actions.

The hormones, electro and surgery is the easy part. It's the people aspect including how they affect your career that in my opinion makes transitioning difficult for most.

I never had this difficulty. All my problems were the ones I made inside my own mind. No one and nothing was holding me back other than myself.