CD Compatible SO--A Personal Perspective

Recent threads have highlighted the pitfalls or disasters associated with coming out to long-time SOs. I regret the pain my fellow forum members are suffering because of what's happened to them.

The point of my post is to share some of my past, and how my passion for crossdressing influenced my eventual courtship with my understanding and supportive wife. I admit I am very lucky, and tell her every day how much I appreciate her support, but I firmly believe part of her willingness to accept my love for women's clothes is that we share the same interest, and that's part of why I asked her to marry me.

Before I met my wife I dated a gal for 4 years and eventually we were engaged. She was a hairdresser (colorist to be specific) and gorgeous...a face like Linda Evangelista, perfect makeup, fashionable clothes. She had many outstanding qualities. Unfortunately she was also a heavy drinker and after multiple embarrassing situations and a few run-ins with the law because of her drinking, I called off the marriage. Part of what I found attractive about her was that she was tall (5'10" to my 5'11") and that brought back fond memories of an earlier girlfriend with whom I had a passionate but brief romance, and who encouraged my dressing--and she was of similar stature, meaning we could (and did) share her feminine wardrobe. Looking back I know now that subconsciously this was part of my selection criteria for a potential wife, though at the time I just thought she was strikingly beautiful and fun to party with. Being a hairdresser, she had several flamboyantly gay male colleagues, some of whom flirted with androgyny, and she was, I thought, extremely tolerant.

I would buy her lingerie, clothes, heels, etc., and tell her how beautiful I thought she was while wearing them. Unfortunately, she was self-conscious about being tall, had a pronounced stoop, and shied away from heels. While wearing heels she was taller than me, and she was acutely aware of that. No matter how much I tried to tell her it didn't matter to me, that I reveled in her height, and that she should be proud of it...well, it made no difference. She wore mainly flats and always stooped to hide her height.

You know how it is in a relationship--it's perfect until it isn't. After bailing her out of jail because of public intoxication (she spit on a police officer's shoe), I began to see her through a different lens. The little physical appearance things I overlooked out of love and affection became more important, and in reality, more bothersome. I remember buying her some clothing for her birthday, including some classy pencil skirts, some high end nude pantyhose--at that time "Evan Picone" was a good brand--and some beige closed-toe pumps. She sneered at the nude hose and said something to the effect of, "only grandmothers wear 'flesh-colored' nylons." And she never wore the classy pencil skirts because in her fashion line of work they were not sufficiently avant-garde. She only wore boots, clogs, or open-toed low heel shoes in black. If she ever wore hosiery of any kind, it was either heavy denier black or opaque tights. As I recall, most of her wardrobe was black...

After we were engaged, and during a night of drunken revelry, I decided it was time to tell her about my passion. Sitting at the bar I told her I wanted to shave my legs and try wearing sheer hose and heels (though I did not reveal that I had done so before). In her intoxicated state, she cheerfully agreed. She passed out when we got home, but I went ahead and shaved everything from the neck down, and tried on all the items I had purchased for her, but she had never worn, and loved it. The next day, as she awoke hungover next to me in bed, it only took a few minutes for her to realize that my body was now hair free. She had forgotten the whole thing...until I explained our conversation. I told her I had tried on all the clothes...and admitted that I had purchased them vicariously for her, but really wanted to wear them myself. She was silent, complaining of a headache, but eventually said something like, "Cool, honey, glad you got to experience that."

We had breakfast and she nursed her hangover for a few hours...but I had the itch at that point. After screwing up my courage, I told her I wanted to take advantage of my shaved legs by trying on her unused gifts of nude hose, pencil skirts and pumps. She was game, and offered to help...but then it went downhill. Similar to another poster here, once I was dolled up, she recoiled, and her specific words were, "Holy $hit, your legs are prettier than mine." She was a beautiful woman in many respects, but had insecurities. Her face was so gorgeous, and her makeup application so perfect, that both men and women would stop and double take when they saw her--but her legs were not her best feature. As I was admiring myself in the mirror seeing my legs the way they were always supposed to look, I asked her what she thought. All enthusiasm she had shown just a few minutes before was gone, and she said in despair, "Nooo, nooo, nooo...it's not you."

Well, that was that. I relished the moment for a few more minutes, froze the image in my mind of what I saw in the mirror, and then took everything off. I pretty much resigned myself to not experiencing that again.

The next weekend when she picked a fight with a bouncer and was hauled off to jail, I took stock, and called off the marriage the next day. Did CD play in my decision? Absolutely.

Where am I going with this? By the time I did meet my future wife, several years later, during our courtship I was very up-front about what I liked, especially about how I found women dressed in hose, heels, skirts, dresses and lingerie to be extremely attractive. In fact, for our first date, I just put it out there--this is how I'd like you to dress, and I asked her how she felt about it. She loved it, saying she enjoyed getting dolled up, wore heels every chance she could, and appreciated fine lingerie and clothing that was classy but feminine and sexy. When she showed up for our date, I was blown away--black suede 4" heeled pumps, off-black sheer hose, a perfect grey pencil skirt that hugged her curves, and a very pretty white blouse, over which she wore a tailored black velvet blazer.

It bears mentioning that this was in Colombia, in South America, where women tend to dress in styles we CDs appreciate...perhaps because of the more traditional societal norms.

Of course, I didn't marry her for how she dressed, but it was a factor. It helped that she radiated an inner calm, had a quiet confidence, spoke intelligently, and while she knew she was beautiful, she didn't come across as vain or superficial. She looked like a cross between Julia Roberts and Shakira. I was hooked.

Perfect, right? No. Once a CD, always a CD, and unlike my previous relationships, there would be no sharing of clothes with her--she was far more petite in every respect. I resigned myself to living vicariously through her...and thought her femininity would suffice for us both. But I tested the waters during our courtship and marriage. She loved and wore everything I purchased for her. She'd greet me at the door when I returned from work in a dress or skirt, and heels and hose. During our lovemaking, I would try on some thigh high stockings and she would not object. When we watched TV programs about transgender women or CDs, her reaction was pretty much, "live and let live."

I married her. I'm not going to re-hash all my intro posts from 3 years ago, but here is the synopsis. It took 11 years for me to fully reveal to her that I was CD, but the elements of acceptance were there from the start. I should have told her from the beginning, and I know now, knowing her, it would have been OK. It hasn't been all wine and roses but she has been wonderful. In retrospect, I lost 11 years of enjoyment, shared shopping, dress-up sessions, etc. (And I'm kicking myself because I weighed probably 25 lbs less then and would have fit into a 12-14, LOL!)

I feel bad for those that have suffered disastrous reveals. This post is not an attempt to armchair quarterback your situation. It's only to point out that if you love women's clothing and feminine fashion, perhaps a good first step to finding a compatible SO is to find a woman who loves the same things. My personal belief is that women who appreciate those things just for the sheer sensual and aesthetic delight of them are more apt to be sympathetic to a man who likes them too.

Thanks for reading; this was cathartic for me.

Cheers

Gretchen

So glad to hear another success story, as they're few and far between. However; in my own experience, most of the women who embrace the whole extreme feminine appearance thing also expect their men to be all masculine as well, sort of polarizing the sexes. One of the things I do if I get preliminary gender bending positive returns on my comments, is take my dates to see 'La Cage Au Folles', and carefully ask a few questions, one being, 'how many of those guys to you think is married?' The answer every time has been 'None', with one very memorably remarking this: 'Women who are attracted to women want women, and women who are attracted to men want men. Not some weird combination of the two'.

Hell-o Gretchen,
Awesome background story, and great advice to those looking for a mate.
Just remember... Don't look better than her, even if it's just your legs!
Much Love,
Kristyn

That's quite a journey, Gretchen. You're very lucky to have found support for your feminine expression. Makes me regret having spent time repressing my own feelings rather than exploring them more fully years ago.

I think it's wonderful you took the time to share and post your story. It's quite the delicate balance when coming out much later in a relationship, we have read so many posts with unhappy endings. It's great that things worked out for the best.

The question to everyone starting a new relationship, why not find an accepting or even enthusiastic partner - it may take longer to find the right person, but so much agony might be avoided. There are no guarantees it will be perfect but so many people regret not being able to share from day one.

Thankyou Gretchen, yours is a lovely story.

Your hypothesis that the shared interest goes both ways will work some times and not in others. I'd reckon that the female SO has also to appreciate the man in CD. Relationships are beyond complex, there is no formula, just be happy with what you have, which you are, and explain what has worked for you. It might work for others, at least they can add it to their options.

I also feel bad for folks whose reveals have gone down like lead balloons. I can't say for sure, because I don't know, but my hypothesis is that I question whether the SO truly loved the CD partner or the image she had of them. And I could be horribly wrong because I can only speak for myself not for others. Love and acceptance are truly mystical things.

xxx Pamela

Hi Gretchen,great story. I also feel bad for those who's SOs can't or won't handle it and leave. My story is almost the same. Right now I'm still marriedand still see the wife but she lives 150 miles away. I can feel everyone's pain and sorrow and its a shame.again great story thanks for sharing it.

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Originally Posted by pamela7

Thankyou Gretchen, yours is a lovely story.

Your hypothesis that the shared interest goes both ways will work some times and not in others. I'd reckon that the female SO has also to appreciate the man in CD. Relationships are beyond complex, there is no formula, just be happy with what you have, which you are, and explain what has worked for you. It might work for others, at least they can add it to their options.

I also feel bad for folks whose reveals have gone down like lead balloons. I can't say for sure, because I don't know, but my hypothesis is that I question whether the SO truly loved the CD partner or the image she had of them. And I could be horribly wrong because I can only speak for myself not for others. Love and acceptance are truly mystical things.

xxx Pamela

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Thanks everyone for your replies. Pamela, the shared interest in clothes and fashion is no guarantee, for sure. But if a CD guy adores feminine things and his SO abhors them...I think it's more difficult to find that common ground. Part of what really brought my wife around was seeing some of the heels and dresses I had...I think it sparked something in her. One pair of pumps she loved so much, she made me take them off so she could try them on...and the next thing you know we were ordering a pair in her size online. She quickly became much more aware of her fashion choices, and has since evolved into quite the chic clothes horse. I don't mind a bit! Now we browse stores and websites together, and shopping has taken on a wonderful new dimension.

I can't see that happening with a woman who didn't love clothes, heels, fashion and shopping.

Hi Gretchen:hugs:, That was quite a story, That proves the old saying, When one door closes another door opens. ~~...:daydreaming:...

What a great story Gretchen. So very happy for you and your wife. When you can successfully come out, I believe that it eventually forms a bond between the two of you like no other.

Hugs
Danielle

Gretchen, I think it is not so much that a GG who adores the feminine fashions of things like heels, dresses, cosmetics makes them more accepting. It is either there or it's not. It may however, give both the CDer and their partner a common shared interest. There are women who love football, or the same favorite team. Those couples are more likely to go to or watch football games or their favorite team together.

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Originally Posted by Pamela

I also feel bad for folks whose reveals have gone down like lead balloons. I can't say for sure, because I don't know, but my hypothesis is that I question whether the SO truly loved the CD partner or the image she had of them.

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The SO fell in love with the partner she thought she knew. The "image" she has, or had is the one that was presented to her. There's no fault of a person falling in love with someone based on what they see, or know, only to find many years later that was a fallacy.

The reveal which often go south many years into a marriage or committed relationship do so for more than just the newly found out femininity and dressing habits. (although that too) It is the loss of trust. Not knowing who you are really with. Being made to live a lie.
CDers are often quick so say it's just clothes. I am really the same guy underneath. To them, yes. To their partners, no. It is not just the clothes but the reason why their partner is wearing them. I know this is a big BIG stretch here, and an exaggeration of sorts perhaps. But, think of the Matrix movies. There is a parallel. This time though, rather than everything, but the person whom they committed to.

People adjust their lives as best they can to accommodate the person whom they are sharing it with. Then, one day, however it happens, the truth becomes known. Now, all which they knew becomes a question. What was real, what was a lie. How often when their CD partner say they were doing something, were they really doing something else? Private emails, forums, friends.... meetings. Even if those were all without any cheating whatsoever. Not all of us who withheld our being CDers and or transgender did or do all that. But, at least some of it all of us are guilty of, to some extent.

So now, years, maybe decades in, the partner of the CDer is forced to change gears, Forced to erase, or at least add to the image she was presented, and believed to be genuine. How long has it taken for many of us to accept our own true nature? how many of us still struggle with that from time to time? It took me 30 years. I was 17 when I had my true first cognitive experience of an urge to dress. I had just turned 48 when I gave up the fight and began a road to acceptance. Then I too have been not only learning to accept, but have learned more about myself. To expect our partners to just roll with it is an expectation that often simply cannot be met. There are some cases, yes. Some cases, no matter what the CDer does will there ever be any acceptance, and a likely ending to the marriage or relationship. For the majority of others, a very long hard road to regain all that which has been lost, or changed. To adjust to what is the new truth (to her). It takes most of us years and years to really fully come to grips with our own selves. To expect it to take any less for our partners is at least a hypocritical expectation.

Gretchen,
Sometimes it takes time to find your niche in life, I am glad you have made a wise choice.

Gretchen, I glad your wife accepts after so long into the marriage. For me on a new girlfriend, I came out to her in six months. It was rocky at first but she did accept it after I told her I was not a woman in mans body. She does in fact like heels and skirts , dresses etc and makeup. But as you pointed out she now shops with me and we both need to get a similar thing, like heels or skirts etc. Now I don't quite believe that a feminine woman is sympathetic to a man that crossdresses. I found through out my life that very few of them accept a man who shows his feminine side. They like manly men. But I have found one that is tolerant and likes to share a nice time out as two women.

Fascinating story Gretchen, thanks for this.

I don't think you're necessarily right about your final point though. In my experience traditionally feminine women are if anything more likely to be repulsed by non-trad attributes in their man.

I respect you highly for your decision to break off the engagement to your former SO. Many men would have been blinded to reality by that gorgeous face, or perhaps naively thought they could rescue her from her drinking. You saved yourself a world of grief.

What is also true to say is that sometimes we can think we've found a partner who is ok with our CDing, who gives us the green light, and to whom we commit, only to realise down the line that they were kidding themselves, or lacked the self knowledge to know that it really wasn't ok. Ah, perhaps they were just blinded by our gorgeous faces...

Thanks all for the thoughtful responses. I can see how I may have incorrectly attributed a love for women's fashions to my wife's level of acceptance. I know every circumstance is different. In my case, I perceive my wife's love for clothes and heels to help and not hinder the situation. I get how that may be rare, but I guess I hit the jackpot. It's funny to hear how polarizing the wearing of pantyhose is for both GGs and CDs here on the forum--and in the wider world. My wife loves to wear pantyhose--for her they are a flattering, smoothing undergarment. She has some mild varicose veins and appreciates the aesthetic boost they give her. She loves heels and wears them frequently. I have to think that it would have been more difficult to share my passion with a woman who would question why any woman--much less any man--would wear those things. One point I wanted to make is that is wasn't all luck. I sought and found a woman who matched my aesthetic ideal.

Cheers

Gretchen