I have seen the term DADT used as in a DADT relationship. What does it mean? From some of the posts I have read, I gather its not a good situation, especially as a crossdresser, to be in.
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I have seen the term DADT used as in a DADT relationship. What does it mean? From some of the posts I have read, I gather its not a good situation, especially as a crossdresser, to be in.
Yes, it totally sucks. It's like going through life with a ball and chain attached to your leg that you continuously have to pull along, restricting your movements, generally slowing you down, and forcing you to hide your authentic self.
DADT=="Don't Ask, Don't Tell". In other words, your significant other knows that you crossdress, but they don't want to see it and don't want you to tell them about it. It totally sucks. It's honestly in many ways as bad or worse than having a significant other who you haven't come out to. You have to hide your clothes, sneak around and not get caught dressing, often times other feminizing body changes like body shaving, ear piercings, etc. are not "allowed". The only positive part in having come out in a DADT relationship is that at least you can purchase clothes and not have to worry about what happens if your significant other finds your "stash". On the flip side however, you get to deal with all your significant other's jealousy, anger, hurt, etc. from knowing about your cross dressing. So yeah I'm not sure it's any better than being in the closet. It's definitely not an enviable situation.
The above comments have truth and merrit, but I personally am glad that I am in a "mostly" DADT, as opposed to total closet. For me, there is a question of integrity, honesty and self acceptance that I feel is better by going to DADT. Does she dislike it, or is there friction, sure. But I hate lying or being lied to.
The most difficult part of DADT may be the clinging on to hope that she will somehow become more accepting or participative. It can and does happen, but often not.
I couldn't live in a DADT relationship and would have to leave.
This makes me so happy I have always disclosed my gender and sexuality quirks before or very early into any relationship. I even mention it in the first sentence of my online dating profiles. Anyone I date will accept me for who I am, or we can always just be friends, but under no circumstances will I ever feel ashamed or hide who I am for the sake of superficial affection. I can't imagine living in a DADT relationship and I truly feel for those who do.
It's that one expectation it seems imperative to let go of. I'm not in a DADT romantic relationship (or in a relationship at all), but my family is beyond DADT for the most part ("I know you want to present as a woman, but no way on earth you're doing that"). It was a relief first telling my parents, and later getting outed again by my mum - much as they weren't happy in the slightest. It was even more of a relief for me to finally give up on dreaming - I dare not say "thinking" - of having them embrace it once and for all.Quote:
Originally Posted by Meghan4now
I tried living in a DADT relationship once, and it was awful, at least for me.
Not all of us hate DADT. In my case to know that my wife knows about Heidi has been a great relief. I don't have to hide my clothes, etc. as they are kept in a separate closet from our master closet. Before DADT I had to totally hide my kit and worried what would happen should she find it. A result of this relationship has allowed me to expand my wardrobe and get professional help that I don't have to explain why. We both love each other very much and DADT has made a difficult situation work.
Thank you president Clinton for such a useful phrase.
There are worse things than a DADT relationship. Having to stay closeted because the SO would rather see you dead than in a dress, or her threatening to throw you to the curb and ruin your life are worse, but not by much. It's all awful and a woman who puts you through any of it doesn't really love or respect you.
Every time this comes up, DADT gets mischaracterized and then bashed as a horrible living situation.
It's NOT hiding, lying, or cheating. And it's not forced upon you.
DADT is an acknowledgement and an agreement. The wife (or other SO) acknowledges that you are driven to crossdress, wants you to be happy, stress-free, etc., and agrees that you can crossdress under certain permissions and limitations acceptable to both. One of those conditions is that she doesn't want to see you, your images, emails, talk, or your clothes - for various reasons including how doing so may negatively change her image of you as a man, and she doesn't want that to happen, and you acknowledge that. So....
She knows you do it, but doesn't ASK about it. You know she doesn't want to see or hear about it. so you don't TELL (or show) her. That's the deal.
It's an agreement that works for couples that make it work by sticking to its terms. If your situation sucks (isn't working for you), renegotiate or quit calling it DADT. It doesn't do any good to agree to terms you can't keep.
I get that Nicole but its more being told I can't be me 100% of the time and have to succumb to HER or HIS preference not mine.
Its like you just accept being pushed down to that of being a second class part of the marriage and your CDing may be used against you at a later date.
I personally cannot live under an oppressive system like that.
Nicole, as someone who is living the DADT lifestyle, I'm not bashing or mis-characterizing, I'm speaking from personal experience. Your personal experience may be different, that's fine. If you're happy with that situation and feel that's enough for you then I'm very happy for you.
To me, a DADT relationship says your spouse doesn't truly accept who you are. I'm sorry but if you're so disturbed by the sight of me in a dress and heels that you can't bear to look at me when I'm wearing them, then you haven't accepted me, it's that simple in my mind. DADT is controlling. As you mentioned Nicole, it's a "permission" thing. Why should I need permission to wear what I want to wear. My wife doesn't ask my permission to dress in anything she likes whether it's sexy, drab, high-end or masculine looking. So if I as a crossdresser need permission, then she has exerted control over me and that to me is wrong for any relationsihp. Finally, it IS sneaking around. If our spouse doesn't want to see us in female mode what happens when we're dressed and she comes home unexpectedly? We go scurrying to a room where we can lock ourselves in, and get changed out of our female garb before she sees us. Sure she knows we do it, yet we still have to act like what we're doing is wrong or something to be ashamed of.
If seeing us in women's clothes is going to irreparably change a spouse's image of us so negatively that our marriage can't survive, then what does she really love anyway? Us or the idealistic image she has of us in her own mind? And what happens when she goes away to work, on a trip, whatever? How many of us look forward to her leaving so we can go en femme? I've seen countless accounts of that in DADT relationships on this forum. How disturbing is it that the person we love more than any other, the person we pledged our life to, is the person holding us back from being who we need to be? How disturbing is it, that many of us actually look forward to being apart from that person?
I'm in a DADT right now with the understanding from my wife that it is only temporary. Before we even went down this road she stated to me that she knew she eventually needed to rip the band-aid off and deal with me being me. So I've accepted a less than enjoyable situation in the short term as a way of working with her as she deals with the new found knowledge of my gender identity and such. However, I promise you this will be temporary or we will not stay together. Personally, I can't be happy continuing to be forced into the shadows, unable to express who I am in front of the most important person in my life.
Again, if you're happy in your DADT situation, I don't begrudge you that and I am truly happy for you. I'm not looking to change your mind or belittle what you have established. Good for you if your wife and you are able to be fully happy with that approach. But just as I don't look to invalidate your happiness, don't tell me that because I find it to be a bad arrangement with massive downside that suddenly it's something other than a DADT situation.
What Nicole said. Hugs, Michelle
I personally found Nicole's description well worded and then I read Lisa's version and also saw some valid points in her reply.
I'm in a DADT situation, we have come to a compromise that I go out socially, my wife doesn't wish to see me but for her own peace of mind waits in her car on the road outside our house and tells me on the mobile phone when it's clear to leave the house and drive out the drive.
I'm finding I dress less at home because I don't want the ridiculous scene of me rushing off to change when she enters the house, I've been accepted openly as a CDer by so many others I don't want to spoil how good that feels by an awkward moment with my wife. In that respect it's stopped the hiding but on the other hand it's not allowing me the freedom I would prefer to have.
I guess it comes back to the question of which one is being selfish and which one is being considerate, I accept my life is a compromise as far as my Cding needs are concerned .
Its going to sound corny but what if the situation was reversed and you treated your wife like that?
In my case, being in a DADT has had its good points and a few bad points. I have to agree with Heidi the fact that my wife knows about Kiersten was a huge weight off my shoulders.
It wasn't always this way. When I first came out to my wife she "participated"and she wanted to help me explore this side of me and to her credit she did just that. She could've of bailed on me but she didn't. She accepted me for who I was. I just think she just hit a point that she didn't want to know anymore. She lets me do my thing, she has never once given me an ultimatum to stop.
Sure there are a few things that I miss(our shopping trips, talks about fashion). The most important part of it is that we love each other and there is nobody else I want to spend my life with. I know it's not the most ideal situation for some but it has worked for us.
After reading all the reply's and adding my own experience and feelings too. I have to say the Tracii hits the issue head on and perfectly and then Lisa-wb orates it in a near perfect communication to sum up all the concerns. They are not the only right answers for this but they are certainly at the heart of the issue. DADT is a way to get by for a compromised existence at best and at worst leaves a gaping hole in being the person one is and they will always be restrained from exploring much-less excepting all they can be or are. If you are happy with DADT then by all means go for it, I think it is better than nothing. And then I also see where you are sacrificing a part of you as a ransom for hanging on to someone that will never know you. Is that what I consider a Loving marriage or relationship? Not even.
Very well said, lisa, and your thoughts on this matter mirror mine completely.
The only thing I would add is that in reading Nicole's definition of DADT, I was struck by the impeccable Cartesian logic that she applied to this concept as she developed and expanded on her thoughts to reach her definitive conclusion and summary of what DADT is - and what it is not. It was almost as if the words were spoken by Mr. Spock in his iconic, unemotional, and quintessentially forthright and self-assured manner, and with full confidence that everything that he had just uttered was unassailable because of the pure logic that had been applied to the issue.
Trouble is, like Captain Kirk, I was compelled to raise a quizzical eyebrow as I read those pronouncements. See, the thing that Nicole totally lost sight of here is the emotional and sometimes erratic and unpredictable nature of GG's. A wife or SO may well agree to - and for the most part abide by - the commitments that she made to her side of the DADT arrangement, but it is not always that simple.
Invariably, there are those pesky emotions and doubts that lurk just below the surface as she nods and smiles while we males with our underdeveloped reptilian brains think that everything is just hunky-dory. Then there comes that fateful day - or many of them - when it all becomes too much for her, the excrement hits the ventilator, and we are totally blindsided and rendered slack-jawed by what just happened causing her to go ballistic.
When the poo hits the fan Leslie I'll bet a dollar to a donut the CD pushed too hard in some way.
Not knowing where the line of demarcation was for their SO and the CD under the impression they can go all the way without consequences.
Hi Tracii, I live in a DADT environment along with IDWTSI and, I have to tell you, it's way better than the total hatter relationship of my previous marriage. And it eliminates the closeted effect which just feels so dishonest. In a perfect world we would all be unconditionally accepted for who we are. I just love my wife too much to abandon her for this thing that she doesn't approve of. We all have to deal with the societal conditioning we were raised with that in contrary to our reality. I'm in a happy situation that keeps everything intact.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracii G
The OP asked what does it mean, and I assumed it was more than what the letters stood for, so I gave it a shot. If you define it differently, let's hear it. In my opinion, DADT is an agreed-upon accommodation that allows relationships (marriages) to survive (good), work (better), or thrive (best) by not letting sharp differences about crossdressing be a single-issue deal-breaker. It's a way to agree to disagree.
For those who say DADT is working for them don't say it's perfect, but they all seem to acknowledge, understand, and respect their partner's needs and wishes. To me, this is an important aspect of DADT. If this mutual respect is absent and the relationship is oppressive and resentful, I can't csll it DADT, but if you see it differently, fine.
Relationships are filled with compromise. DADT is a compromise that I would rather live with than live without my wife. For her, while she would rather be in a relationship where this isn't an issue, she compromises as well because we are otherwise happy and have a strong marriage. It is far from ideal for me, but at least she now knows and I get to keep my wife. It is far from ideal for her, but she gets to keep her husband. I have a hard time believing anyone has a relationship where they don't compromise. I'm sure she didn't want to live in a house with a dozen of guitars in it either, and I never wanted my guitars to be put in the corner - We are able to compromise on that as well.
Me too. And I find it interesting how many different nuances there areQuote:
Originally Posted by NicoleScott