Just another married CD

Hey all,

Ive been quiet on here lately.

Have been logging on infrequently to check out how you are all doing and have enjoyed reading the stories, questions asked and pics being posted.

I wanted to post this eve as over the last few months I have gone through all of the phases of a closeted CD from what I've read.

I built up a small stash of clothes and make up over time hidden in the boot of my car. I finally got to put it all together on a business trip and enjoyed so much dressing and was on the verge of going out. I didn't that night but my god I wish I had of now.

When back home I fell back into normality and dressed again infrequently and rushed not really enjoying it.

I then had a trip away again but was flying. I am paranoid about flying and thought that if I were to perish (I know extreme......) I would hate for my SO to find my stash (and letter.. see previous threads) without me being there to explain. So I purged before I went.

Now this was no normal purge as I said if I were to ever buy women's things again it would be after I told my SO.

So here I am, another night gone by when I could have started the process of confessing bit bottled it.

I have a young family and am aware that if my SO isn't accepting, which is a possibility, it could be awful... The end. Perhaps why I'm hesitant.

Were not having a great time anyway and although from my part it is a factor (the cd ing i.e secret of) I don't want it to be the focal point of any major decision on our future.

I love my wife and know this will be unfathomable for her.

Problem is, it's not going away.
:sad:

You can not dress for a time and see how that works out for you.
Maybe it will come back maybe it won't.
You do have your family to consider.

Hi M S :hugs:, You have to keep your priority's in order...:daydreaming:...

I'm going to disagree with Tracii. To me, the real issue is not whether you dress or not; it's whether you reveal yourself fully to your partner or not. On the latter, if you want a real relationship, you have no choice. You have to have that discussion. You don't have to tell her "I'm a crossdresser and I'm not stopping"; you do have to tell her "I have a strong feminine side and I need to talk to you about it." If you don't have that conversation I guarantee, eventually, you'll be divorced.

Good luck!

I agree that if thats the case you should have that talk.
Its only fair to her but you will have to suffer the consequences if she doesn't like it.
Its good that you don't have a stash for her to discover because trust me after that talk she will rip that house apart trying to find your stash.
If you have any make up or nail polish get rid of it before the talk.
Telling her is just words but actual products used or clothing is the death nail to the relationship.
Basically no evidence no foul or proof for her to use against you.

MissSecret,
Been there and done all that, I've never purged .

There is so much that can be said but maybe go through some old threads as you say , they are full of people who have gone through this situation.

You have realised one truth that it's not going away, it may not be something you want to accept at the moment because it's scary , also you know it's something your wife may not want to hear . That is step in the right direction, you do have to come to terms with yourself. The situation is changing fast in the UK. sate schools now are being given ratings on their gender acceptance with pupils , schools will be marked down if they don't have an open policy .

I think as you have found out, its not going away anytime soon (well not ever for most of us)

Telling you SO will be difficult but the longer you wait the worse it could be.
Just be as honest with her as you can. Its not easy, if you don't know in your own mind where this will end.

The link in my signature may just help you plan how to tell her.

Having been there I firstly say how sorry I am about how you are feeling. It is not nice. All such situations are subtly different but when I read your post I felt there are things that might help. It felt to me like you needed to talk to someone face to face. No matter how careful you are, there is a high probability that stashes will be found. How would it be in that unplanned situation? Suppose this scenario continued for years, have you the strength to contain all the emotions you seem to have? If you do reveal, you need to pick your time, practice what you are going to say and have plans so you will be safe if it goes badly. Good luck.

Hi Tracii, it's been about 3 months now since I put everything together.

My family and wife are what are stopping me telling. If I say nothing their lives are unaffected and they can happily go on. There is just something inside of me telling me I should do this.

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Hi Orchid, I'm not sure what u mean but think u mean put my family first? I have done and maybe will continue too. Who knows.

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TracyT, the last 3 words. Dammed if I do dammed if I don't. If I tell and she hates it I get divorced if I don't tell I fear it will form part of a gap that's forming leading to it anyway. I don't want either btw.

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Tracii, yes no stash is better and that's why I got rid. Had everything from heels to wig to foundation to eyeliner. I think that would have been hard for her to deal with rather than just hearing me say it. I do have pics but they are hidden and not findable.

I have done little things over time to keep my gem side sane shaved my legs a couple of times and currently my nails are quite long and I paint them.

Anything to stem the tide for a little while.

With regards to evidence of I'm going to tell my wife then I'm prepared for anyone else we know to also know. The problem I believe will not be with me and people knowing but for her and any negative reactions it may cause her/our family.

Don't get me wrong I'm not going to suddenly be dressing 24/7 it will be private with the dream being a night out somewhere or shopping in a far away town etc.

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Teresa,

Thank you, you have been supportive before and I have moved no further forward with anything.

Actually that's not true in a sense as I'm more sure in my mind as to what/who I am it's just conveying that in the best way when the time comes to talk about it.

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Shelly, TY I will check out the link in your bio.

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Gardener, I want to tell my SO before I talk to someone else professionally about it. No-one knows my secret and I feel she should be the first.

MissSecret,
That's all we can do but don't let us force the issue, do it at your pace , I know it's all too easy to jump on the forum bandwagon and get too carried away , it's not so good to read things were rushed and it all went pear shaped . Maybe sound us out first before you take those steps, I called them hurdles because once jumped they far more difficult to climb back over , especially in the new heels you may have bought !!

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Originally Posted by MissSecret

My family and wife are what are stopping me telling. If I say nothing their lives are unaffected and they can happily go on. There is just something inside of me telling me I should do this.

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Not true. You might be tempted to think that ignorance is the same thing as being unaffected. It's not. You are still who you are. You are still hiding this from them. You might even continue to be successful at hiding this from them, but it is not hidden from you and that makes you a different person than you would be if you shared this with them. Now, I'm not saying that things would not go badly if you told them, but I can tell you categorically that things will go worse if your wife ever finds out that you have kept this from her.
You say that things are not great now. Deal with that. Seek professional help if you think it necessary. A lot of marital strife can be easily fixed with that assistance of a pro. Eventually, though, you're going to come down to how your gender identity is affecting your relationship. You have a stake in this too. Having to hide or deny who you are hurts. If you have strengthened your relationship in all other areas, it may be that the two of you can deal with your gender identity together.

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Originally Posted by MissSecret

My family and wife are what are stopping me telling. If I say nothing their lives are unaffected and they can happily go on. There is just something inside of me telling me I should do this.

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I'm going to line up behind Aunt Kelly on this one. Their lives are affected because they don't know who you are. And if you continue to feel internal pressure to be one thing and external pressure to be another then you're not going to be your best self -- and they won't understand why you're occasionally cranky because they have no idea what's going on inside you. I do understand the concerns you have -- we've all had them to some extent. If things go bad they can go mighty bad. But if things go well, they can marvelous because your family (and friends and community) will always be getting the best you if you can resolve this. Don't go off half-cocked but look for a way toward a successful outcome.

The first thing that I picked up on in your post was that "we are not having a great time"
Before even thinking about disclosure I would be working through at sorting out that first. Like a lot of the married people on here I have been through the stages of marriage, it isn't always roses but one thing that I have learned is to finish up one problem/project before starting a new project.
As for your family, being young isn't a barrier as they see dad in underwear, dress, wig or makeup from a early age they don't tend to question it later, it gives more acceptance to the (your) cause and saves soooo much stress for the rest of your life in regards to CD'ing. Your wife's response is as only what you can gauge and that would be the greatest stress/trust in the process. But please repair, fix, prepare everything else first.
all the best in this challenge. gina

I would say if telling her is too stressful, then that means you are well aware of the down side of her knowing and you really don't want to risk it. So don't. Just satisfy your dressing very discreetly for the love of your family. You just have to be really careful, but you can do it.

I told my wife of 20 year about 6 years ago. I felt so guilty about hiding this from her. It ruined our marriage. She has treated be different since I told her. She now suspects everything I do and doesn't trust me anymore. Think long and hard about the consquences of telling your wife. I greatly regret telling mine.

Over time, drop subtle hints about crossdressing into your conversation and gauge the reaction of your wife. If Hell doesn't freeze over you can get more direct. Halloween is coming. You could discuss various costumes to wear that would open the door for further conversation and possible bedroom play. As long as there is nothing hidden for her to discover, this side of you can be all new (it will be for her anyway). Happy wife, happy life.

I came out to my wife a month ago. It had gone very well. She now goes out shopping finding stuff for me to wear and is teaching me how to apply makeup. I thought for sure it wouldn't go well but I thought wrong.

Thank you Teresa, I've been around on here for a little while now and appreciate everyone's differing opinions and experiences. I believe one always knows deep how they actually feel, just sometimes seek solitude in others. X

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Hey Kelly, your right. I know you are.

When I say things aren't great I was generalising. Going through one of those periods of just getting on with things etc etc.

I don't know how much longer I can keep a lid on things.

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Hey Jennie, I will come out to my wife and my wife alone. I'm confident enough for anyone to know but I neither seek that or would push it. All I want is for her to know first. I then intended to speak to a councillor for my own benefit (my wife will be welcome if she wishes) and we will go from there.

I have kept a big secret from someone so dear to me. She deserves to be the first to know if I ever tell.

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Hi Gina, same answer that I gave to Kelly regarding how great things are between us.

As for dressing in front of others (especially kids) that would be an absolute no from me. His will always be my little thing and until they were adults would never know what I did. Personal choice.

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Hi Laura, I've done exactly that. But I can no longer satisfy my desires without knowing that I haven't got to hide anymore. X

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Hi Joanne, I'm sorry to hear it went like that for you and I need to be ready to be in the same position if not worse. Yet even having just written that sentence I don't think that will stop me

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Lol, when I read this I thought absolutely the right thing to do until she made a comment about my nails being to long earlier and feigning throwing up :eek:

You just know this is not gonna go well :doh:

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Pmartinez, we can all live in hope this is the reaction we receive... X

Hey MissSecret I let things build up over time until it nearly tore us apart. The biggest thing for my wife was hiding it from her. If you can stop and have zero stash, and just live your life without it then you shouldn't tell her. If you can't then you should.

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Originally Posted by Joanne Curl

I told my wife of 20 year about 6 years ago. I felt so guilty about hiding this from her. It ruined our marriage. She has treated be different since I told her. She now suspects everything I do and doesn't trust me anymore. Think long and hard about the consquences of telling your wife. I greatly regret telling mine.

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I'm with you Joanne. They may say that 'honesty is the best policy' but it can be a high risk strategy. Sure, we'd all want to have a spouse who accepts us for who we are and, hell, even helps us indulge in our little whimsies; but for many it can bring the marriage to an end. Mine went through a very difficult period and ultimatums were given that the marriage would be over if I continued dressing. I too regret saying something.

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Originally Posted by Tracy Irving

Over time, drop subtle hints about crossdressing into your conversation and gauge the reaction of your wife. If Hell doesn't freeze over you can get more direct. Halloween is coming. You could discuss various costumes to wear that would open the door for further conversation and possible bedroom play. As long as there is nothing hidden for her to discover, this side of you can be all new (it will be for her anyway). Happy wife, happy life.

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I have tried that tactic over and over again and each tim, hell freezes over. The people down there are finally getting some ice water. Bottom line, I am still in the closet to her and I think it will stay like that. Too much downside at this point.

Ouch you have an interesting few years ahead of you. If your wife loves you then she will accept to an extent, What ever you think. Cross dressing will never go away, get used to that idea. I guess from what you posted that your better half already knows you cross dress, it's just not out there. We tried counselling when we were younger. Though it seemed a total waste of time, at the time, it did put our relationship on a more genuine footing, so worth considering. Good luck.

Hi Sarah, I can stop and have no stash but it never goes away. Weirdly it somehow heightens the feelings of wanting to go get some new things to stash away again. Viscous circle.

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Hi Sandra. It is always good to read reasoned truth and is a reminder that it isn't always going to be a fairy tale. It will be a big decision whichever I choose.

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Hi Jane, she has no idea of my dressing. It will come as a shock to her. I'm quite an open minded person and often take alternative views to things and situations so I believe if she can handle the initial shock (and I fully intend to be compliant in that process) that she will see it's another, albeit never seen before, facet of my sometimes quirky personality.

Well that's the hope anyhow.

Between a rock and a hard place? not half. I think at some point you will have to tell purging everything might work in the short term but in between you might unknowingly start to get stressed because you want to but cant dress and then you wife might start to think what is going on here and confront you instead, I would like to be prepared for that and be prepared to tell your side first. How things work out depends on how supportive your wife is. Of course only you can know this.
Write it all down and when you have the confidence to tell her you can show her what you have written also sometimes it is better to have it written down because it can be difficult to explain it all verbally and can lead to maybe leaving out some salient point.
Talk you must soon I think