So I kinda went out in public...

So, quick synopsis: I’m a bi Cd and closeted. Wife has no clue yet of either thing.
I go to counseling and change in her office so I’m always Leah.
At home when I’m alone, I’ll wear something and sometimes be “bold enough” to go in my backyard in women’s jeans and a t-shirt and some girlie flip flops to walk my dogs. Risking my neighbors seeing me.
The other day I went to counseling and left to finish the work day from home so I left wearing my men’s polo shirt but wearing women’s jeans and pink t strap sandals lol.
Yesterday, I worked from home all day so I went to counseling wearing a blue maxi dress with spaghetti straps and sandals. The straps were too obvious so I wore a hoodie while I drive. I live in a relatively small city so I didn’t want to risk being seen. I got to her office and texted her and she told me a man was in the waiting room. I don’t trust men, so I waited and then she told me I could come up. Came up without the hoodie and with a hat on so my face wasn’t fully seen.
When I was leaving she said a girl was in the waiting room and I said I don’t have issues with women so I walked out. As I’m walking to my car I see a man and a woman contractors in the office next door so they saw me. Got in the car and put on my hoodie and left.
I don’t have a wig, I want one so bad, and I don’t wear makeup, not because I don’t want it but because I’m terrified I won’t be able to remove it all and would completely out myself to my wife.
So yeah, big deal to me and I know it sounds silly as hell, but I did it lol

Hi Leah, I know what it is like in a small city. I know too many people around our town. That's why I go to a larger one an hour away. Maybe this would be easier if you want to try wigs and makeup. AS far as makeup goes, I have had to remove it in cars and at home and have not had an issue. If you have it done (at a store like Sephora) tell them you have to take it all off in ? hours so they don't put on something that is difficult to remove, I just use makeup wipes for my face and I use eye makeup remover because it's gentler. I just use wipes until I see nothing on the clean wipe. Same for eyes. Use cotton pads for that. Don't diminish your accomplishments by comparing them to others. We all come form different spots in our lives. Good luck

Glad you are going to counseling and is the counselor going to help you tell/ explain to your wife?
You said you live in a small town and with all you are doing it is like you are trying to be caught and that in my opinion makes it worse for your relationship especially if someone tells your wife before you.
It’s your life I’m just giving a GG POV.

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Originally Posted by Di

Glad you are going to counseling and is the counselor going to help you tell/ explain to your wife?
You said you live in a small town and with all you are doing it is like you are trying to be caught and that in my opinion makes it worse for your relationship especially if someone tells your wife before you.
It’s your life I’m just giving a GG POV.

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I wouldn’t say I’m trying to get caught because I’m actually careful with the risks I take. My counselor is helping me to work on something unrelated to my crossdressing or bisexuality, things I can do and improve to make my wife feel confident in my love for her and our relationship. And also to get myself ready to have that conversation.

Leah,
Your counsellor has quite a job on , you have many problems you need to resolve .

The basic point is she can't cure you , she will know from experience it's never going away so she has to help you live with it but you're going to have to meet her half way and resolve some of the problems yourself . You say you are both bi and a CDer but your wife doesn't know , when the time comes only reveal one at a time . When you say you are BI is that in thought or deed ? You are talking about gender and sexual problems , it may be best to let your counsellor deal with the most important situation , to most it will be the gender issue .

As you have no wig and don't use makeup but you are managing to step out into the RW it might be a good idea to find a social group , you can dress in safety to the level you feel comfortable with , at the same time you will be able to get help with makeup and finding a wig . My social groups often have sales people selling wigs and makeup and a selection of clothes . All this is about finding a balance , accepting yourself , once you have done that you can start to deal with coming out to your wife . At the end of the day you are important , you must learn to take care of yourself , all this ducking and diving becomes mentally very wearing , eventually is does affect your health to the point where you may cease to function. Please believe me I've been there and worse and it takes some coming back from !

I could not live in fear like you do.
I am glad you are getting help for all this.
You did go out in public tho' which is more than some CDers.

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Originally Posted by ChubbyLeahCD

. My counselor is helping me to work on something unrelated to my crossdressing or bisexuality, things I can do and improve to make my wife feel confident in my love for her and our relationship. And also to get myself ready to have that conversation.

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I’m glad she is helping you and helping you get ready for the conversation.

My advice is don't do what I and many others have done here. So in essence pump the brakes, till you resolve this with your wife.

You are just starting and will be a lot easier to do now than later. I know not what you want to here.

I'm BI too. It's not a big deal, you are married to a GG. She will think gay. Unless you are going to break up I wouldn't say anything. There is nothing to gain. You wouldn't say to her after seeing a cute GG," I'd like to do her", would you.

It's all new and exciting now, but now is the time to stop and think where you want this to go. Your counselor should be helping you with this.

You could just ignore what I have to say, it will not change the facts. Read through these pages, they are full of stories of members like me blowing up their marriages.

I’ve reached acceptance of my sexuality and my gender. I know that I don’t want to transition. I want to be a man who has a strong girlie side and who wants to be accepted.
She’s helping me with some of my other crap that I need to work on in terms of mindfulness, selfishness and other behaviors that cause instability in my relationship.
As for my sexuality, I never been with men willingly. I was sexually abused three times and while I had desires for men I repressed it because of these experiences. As I unpacked these things I realized that yes I am bi and that’s ok. I also learned that I am a man who likes to be girlie and I can still be religious, be a husband, dad while having this side of me.

I am glad you have resolved a lot of issues so far.

Not everyone is at the same places in their dressing, and it’s not a competition. It sounds like this was a big step for you and that’s the most important thing.

I agree its not a competition and you should never go farther than you feel comfortable with.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

I agree its not a competition and you should never go farther than you feel comfortable with.

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Very well said Tracii and Micki

You're seeing your therapist to deal with your marriage issues but NOT your dressing or sexual interests?

So, what is your "plan'? Work out your other issues with your SO, then spring your trans/bi issues on her?:eek:

I've had some experience with counselors, Leah. It seems to me if you've told yours the plan, and he/she agrees with it? U need a new therapist!:doh:

Because you've got big issues and SO problems, my friend! :brolleyes:

Good for you to be courageous enough to go out as you wish and meet the counselor as Leah. I hope you get the help you need to improve your relationship with your wife and maybe someday you can come out and live more as you wish.

I'm confused. Your closeted but you're going out wearing articles of women's clothes. You're bi but you don't trust men. Does your therapist charge you for the time you consume changing at her office? Good luck on your journey!

Little things like participating on this site and having pictures in your profile are, in a sense, exploring the outside world enfemme.
A lot of us older CD's started by going out for drives back in the day. For some of us, that could have been misconstrued as deviant behaviour
and a legal issue. Nowadays, I've gone out wearing many various outfits with barely a concerne. Enjoy your proclivity as a wonderful gift.
You'll eventually get to a point in life where the personal guilt trip routine subsides.

I'm reading at (#9) that you reach acceptance of your sexuality and your gender. You also want to be a husband and a father. At your reintroduction post you hope your wife views your final outing as having also a girlfriend. I really cannot see how this is going to work out the way you see it unless your wife is drawn into the conversation and she is onboard with this type of relationship. If you're working on "selfishness and other instability in my marriage" how is that possible if you're leaving your wife out of the equation? I guess it is possible to be an non-practicing bisexual and be exclusive to your wife, but, aside from abstaining from bisexual physical contact, how is that going to affect your marriage. I've found over the years hiding something from a wife eventually will cause great harm to both husband and wife.

I am curious, as somebody else has asked, what is your therapist advising in relation to your wife? Staying in the dark and being drawn into the conversation? I think you're trying to avoid potential conflict with your wife.

Hi Leah,

Like some have already come out to your wife when the time is right for you. BTW does your wife know you are seeing a counselor? I sincerely hope you resolve your issues and all goes well when you have the talk.

Hugs,

Get all your things in order, and prepare for severe problems. You're going out en femme, while essentially still in the closet, AND your wife doesn't know. Recipe for disaster.
Despite some of the folks here managing to work it out, your actual chances are still very, very slim that your marriage will survive in a recognizable form after this is all over. Thinking 'Oh, that won't happen to me', is what we all thought.
Maybe your kids will think it's okay to have a daddy in a dress. Will their classmates think it's cool too? Will your wife be happy being 'that wife of the crossdresser'? What does your church think of crossdressers? Work? Even if they have sensitivity training, that doesn't mean anyone will like you, just that they have to work with you. There are all sorts of problems to deal with.
Assume the worst possible outcome for each event. If you can accept that, keep proceeding towards being out. DO NOT assume that things are all going to go the way you want them to, just because you planned on it all carefully; the odds are against it. Because no matter what you do, or hope it will be like there are a whole lot of people out there that still think we're all perverts, child molesters, and freaks; and they're not going to be happy with you.
Good luck. You're going to need it.

I don't want to sound like a broken record but I echo what all the others have said... from personal experience I hated that I learned of Sam's dressing by accident. I would have felt much more respected if he had told me straight up which understands takes a lot of courage to do.... but our relationship almost didn't last because of him keeping his crossdressing "secret" from me and yet talking and doing other things with other crossdressers......

OMG I spell a disaster coming out of this.

Ok ladies sorry I was MIA...

So my counselor agrees that I have to work on a few things about myself first in order to make my wife feel confident in our relationship and be ready to have the conversation.
Back when we first started dating she knew I dressed. At that time I thought it was a fetish. Then she got pregnant and I repressed it all. When it came back I was ashamed of being a dad to a baby boy and wanting to wear dresses so I started dressing when I was alone at home and sharing pix with people in chat rooms. She found out and thought I was a porn addict and that my dressing was part of it. I did too at the time and I stopped but it came back. I started dressing again and went to see a counselor to work on myself because of the same issues I still struggle with (not related to CDing or being bi) but I felt comfortable with one to start mentioning and she asked me to bring Leah to a session so I started dressing and came to terms about being bi and CD.
My social cause is LGBT issues and my wife has said in the past that early on in our marriage she thought I was gay or bi. She knows that as a teen I was confused about my sexuality and she then went on to say that I probably relate with LGBT issues because I was confused as a teen and felt the fear of being it and having to deal with family, etc.
She knows I see a counselor and why, and she doesn’t ask me questions about it.
Would it be easier to just tel her? Yes!
Could she still know I dress and know that I’m bi? Yes!
But she’s also someone with extremely low self esteem and someone that if she’s not confident in herself and what we have, she will internalize it and see it was she failed as a woman and wife and not that I’ve always been this way.
I understand the concerns of those who are worried this won’t work out. I do understand your concerns and I appreciate your candid feedback.