Help in understanding wanted

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this, recently I found out my husband is CD to be honest I found it difficult to deal with. Faced with the possiability of ending my marriage, I am trying desperetly to understand why and how. I am a generally open minded person but he doesn't want to communicate as I feel he doesn't understand it himself. It has come as a shock and I have no one I could really trust to talk with. We have been married 11 months together for 6 years. We have no children. If anyone can offer advice and support I would really appreciate it.:)

Jersey, you are not alone. This forum has many entries by spouses who were shocked when they learned their partner is a crossdresser and more entries by crossdressers who have kept their dressing a secret for years.
Many crossdressers are ashamed of their situation and have problems accepting themselves which makes it difficult to be honest with their partners. there are many spouses on this forum who will be happy to share with you.

Hi Jersey. First of all, I think you are showing great courage and compassion in coming here to find out more about our community. I hope when you have had a chance to reflect upon the knowledge you have just acquired in the last 48 hours that you will be able to see your way clear to explore this with your husband. Of course, he needs to step up to the plate and start communicating with you. If you think he needs a push, send him here :D. Good communication is the cornerstone of any marriage, with or without trans-gender issues in the mix.

You did hit upon a truth in your original post in that one of the reasons he may be reluctant to talk about it is that he doesn't understand it himself and has been condition to see variances in gender as a perversion. Sadly, many in our society see things that way. If there is anything we can do to help either of you, please let us know.

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Originally Posted by jersey

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this, recently I found out my husband is CD to be honest I found it difficult to deal with. Faced with the possiability of ending my marriage, I am trying desperetly to understand why and how. I am a generally open minded person but he doesn't want to communicate as I feel he doesn't understand it himself. It has come as a shock and I have no one I could really trust to talk with. We have been married 11 months together for 6 years. We have no children. If anyone can offer advice and support I would really appreciate it.:)

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As you have read in previous responses and other threads in this forum, none of us really knows how or why we are like this either. If you explore the forum, you will also see broad spectra of CD behavior and goals.

Here is my perspective on what you've written so far (for what it's worth). I have only told anyone about being CD in the last year or so. I've told 3 people at this point. Two of them have seen me dressed, and one I'm pretty comfortable dressing for. The second I'm less comfortable, although she has never indicated that it mattered either way. The thing is, being a CD is something that has been a "deep, dark secret" in my life up to the last year. It has been very difficult to switch from secret to open discussion, or "show and tell." How did you find out? I can see that if it was accidental, your husband might be very worried about losing you over this and would like the whole thing swept under the rug for a time.

Here is some advice (probably worth what you are paying for it). The first thing you need to determine, with too little information, is whether it matters to you that your husband likes to wear womens' clothing and how much you want to put up with/participate in. If you can establish some internal boundaries about how much exposure you will tolerate, your next, mutual, decision is whether you want to continue in the relationship. I would think this one is easy. You've been together 6 years, and in spite of this new information, your husband is the same person you've known and come to love.

If your decision is to stay together, you have a wonderful opportunity for mutual exploration and intimacy. The first person I told was an ex-girlfriend who has remained a friend "with benefit." She made the observation that our relationship was more intimate and open after my "disclosure" than it had been while we were officially together. Certainly, I've become more comfortable with this part of my life, but it's been a long time coming - I've been a CD for 50 years: straight male, no desire to actually become female, no sexual interest in men no matter how I'm dressed.

Sorry to be so long-winded...
Lee

I admire you for coming to this site for an understanding of what is happening in your life.Many of us are not sure what drives us to feel the need to crossdress.However,it doesnt make us any less of a person.In many ways,i feel it gives us a greater understanding of both male and female needs,desires and attributes.Hope you're partner will open up to you and you can both move forward together.

To you all thank-you. You are giving me more of a understanding of this and I finally feel like I am getting somewhere Also thank-you for your compassion. Its nice to know there are people out there willing to help me get through this.
Believe me I will take up your offers of help I just feel so lost.:hugs:

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Originally Posted by trannie T

Jersey, you are not alone. This forum has many entries by spouses who were shocked when they learned their partner is a crossdresser and more entries by crossdressers who have kept their dressing a secret for years.
Many crossdressers are ashamed of their situation and have problems accepting themselves which makes it difficult to be honest with their partners. there are many spouses on this forum who will be happy to share with you.

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thanks hearing that I feel like I am in the right place

Oddlee
your not long winded this advice is exactly why I am here

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Originally Posted by Holly

Hi Jersey. First of all, I think you are showing great courage and compassion in coming here to find out more about our community. I hope when you have had a chance to reflect upon the knowledge you have just acquired in the last 48 hours that you will be able to see your way clear to explore this with your husband. Of course, he needs to step up to the plate and start communicating with you. If you think he needs a push, send him here :D. Good communication is the cornerstone of any marriage, with or without trans-gender issues in the mix.

You did hit upon a truth in your original post in that one of the reasons he may be reluctant to talk about it is that he doesn't understand it himself and has been condition to see variances in gender as a perversion. Sadly, many in our society see things that way. If there is anything we can do to help either of you, please let us know.

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thank-you heaps Holly.

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Originally Posted by Claire3

I admire you for coming to this site for an understanding of what is happening in your life.Many of us are not sure what drives us to feel the need to crossdress.However,it doesnt make us any less of a person.In many ways,i feel it gives us a greater understanding of both male and female needs,desires and attributes.Hope you're partner will open up to you and you can both move forward together.

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Thank you for your words of support:)

Hi Jersey,
Your husband is so blessed to have someone like you to have the courage and willingness to ask for understanding.
Understanding is something we as CD's have been searching for all our lives. Eventualy we just accept it and ourselves just as we are. My loving wife also does not understand, but thank God she has been very supportive, as well as letting me know what her boundries are. I also have to accept it when she doesn't want anything to do with the CD sometimes. She needs that as well. Then there are times when she suggests to me that I go out dressed with her. Feelings change all the time. The important thing is to Love each other, respect each other's boundries and communicate!
My wife says one of the most important pieces of advice she recieved from another loving SO of a CD'er, was that "it never goes away".
I hope so much you all can work it out and keep your marriage.
Bless You.

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Originally Posted by jersey

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this, recently I found out my husband is CD to be honest I found it difficult to deal with. Faced with the possiability of ending my marriage, I am trying desperetly to understand why and how. I am a generally open minded person but he doesn't want to communicate as I feel he doesn't understand it himself. It has come as a shock and I have no one I could really trust to talk with. We have been married 11 months together for 6 years. We have no children. If anyone can offer advice and support I would really appreciate it.:)

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Jersey, I was in denial of being a CD for years, trying not to be half of me, if you know what I mean. It wasn't good, I was grumpy, easy to anger, and the worst was I didn't know why. I was like a balloon with too much air in it. Long story short, a friend asked me how long I'd been a crossdresser at a time when I wasn't wearing a stitch of femme clothing. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. She saw my shock and simply said she was experienced with the phenomenon and that she'd seen things about me, tells as a poker player would say, that clued her in.

I told her about hiding it for my marriage's sake, so she found a few things of her's that fit and I sat there drinking iced tea and telling her things I'd never told another soul and I noticed that my overpressured state had relaxed and all the inner tension was gone. She pressed me to tell my wife about it, which I did.

Well, to say it was an unpleasant evening is like saying a root canal is uncomfortable. But we got through it. My wife's prime worry was that I wanted to find a male, have GRS and go live as a woman.

I tried hard to explain to her that I wasn't a transexual, in the sense of wanting to change my gender, I just wanted to express my second nature now and then.

Years have passed and she's now convinced I was truthful. I sleep in satin pj's, have painted toenails, but am essentially the same person she married, sans a lot of negative energy that the denial was bringing on.

Now to some good points about being the SO of a CD. You have someone to borrow hose from, you're with someone who understands just how long it takes to get ready to go out, and you're with someone who probably adores shopping.

If all else about your relationship is good, this is not a bad thing. Best of luck, loving wishes,

KDM

Hi Jersey

I am glad you decided to join us

First the good news Marriages can and do survive this kind of shock

Now the problem you have is communication and understanding

Your husband has probably keep it secret for so long that even despite his telling you he still finds it hard to talk about
You I am guessing will be still in shock and trying to understand why he is a crossdresser

communication is the key thing but sometimes time is an isue if you try to rush things it can make it worse

I am sure if you both talk about it you will get through this and be happier

Dear Jersey,

You have shown a great deal of compassion by writing to this group, giving us some indication that you have interest in understanding what this phenomenon actually is and how to cope with it. In all honesty, many of us will never know why we do this, it is simply some sort of inherent drive that we can't explain.

Our stories have such a similar story line that there has to be some sort of external situation (genetic, social, who knows what?) that causes us to react this way. Many of us started by trying on girls' clothing at an early age and finding that it made us feel better, more appropriate or whatever, we continued to this day. As we grew older we came to understand that society as a whole did not condone this crossdressing act as a generally accepted situation and we labeled ourselves as "wierdos" or whatever other term we could come up with at the time.

We generally hide the behavior and hide the clothing and ocassionally get caught and suffer great embarassment but generally great relief that it is out in the open. Forums such as this one allow us to understand that we are not alone (which is a huge step forward, knowing that there are more of us in the world) and that we can hopefully understand how to deal with the feeling that this "avocation" brings with it.

When I step back and attempt to look at this with an objective eye, I truly wonder what would cause a relatively sane person to do this. In my case I started at about ae 5 and at my advanced age of 60 have pretty much perfected my feelings and appearance. I was previously married to a very strict woman who after 10 years and one child decided that she could not handle me or the crossdressing. A 12 year relationship with another woman, who accepted the CDing but did not participate ended for other reasons.

Vowing never to become involved with a woman again, I met my current wife of 24 years at work. I told her of my crossdressing about 2 years before we ever even got serious. She did some research (she was a registered nurse) and remained my friend. We did get together, get married and raised her two children. They did not know of my crossdressing.

In the past 26 years or so she has gone to meetings, to a few conventions and other places and finally realized that I am a crossdresser, I have no desire to become a woman. she got to the point that she so accepted my dressing that she coined the name of my web site "Apparently Female" and has assisted me in going to beauty school and now working pretty much full time dressed. What she does get is the male me when I get home from work, I am generally too tired to stay dressed, and I am the household "person". She travels a bit and I take care of all the administrative duties since my schedule is not as full as hers.

She reads a lot of the posts on this forum and makes comments but does not write to the others, basically since she does not have time to deal with everyone else. She has given advice to me and to some of the CDs that she has met as to how we can achieve a more feminine appearance or attitude and has generally been a very positive person about it.

It seems you either have to accept the situation as it is, or remain in a relationship that seems incomplete. This does not mean that there has to be a complete acceptance on your part, guidelines and protocol can be established so that you are not embarrassed to others by the husband's activities, and so that you do not have to be involved unless you want to be. Participation by others is not a requirement for us to continue, it merely helps us in the relationship by not damaging it with deception and lies.

However, this is a two way street. Your husband has to step up to the plate and discuss his activities if he wants you to accept them. This cannot be two parties living a marriage that truly is a marriage. If you wanted a roommate that is a different situation. Once there is disclosure and at least minimal understanding by both of you, you can move forward.

Crossdressers can make exceptionally strong husbands, once the deception is taken away. Generally we are very loyal, understand your needs as a woman to have more than one pair of shoes, and when we look at a woman it does not generally carry a heavy degree of lust with it, simply admiration.

The decision to stay with a crossdresser is a heavy one, but there are pay-offs that aren't visible. Good luck with your husband and his activities, it can be a very interesting life or it can lead to more deception, the choice is yours.

Your sis,

Tami

Jersey

Shelly is right marriages do survive, I'm living proof :) 21 years.

Both of you need to try and talk to each other, you SO is most likely as scared and worried as you must be feeling, but with communication a lot can be achieved. The fact that you are here means you're trying to understand, tell him that it may help him to.

I also suggest you get your 10 posts and join the FAB forum, lots of help and support there.

Crossdressing, in my opinion, is a molehill that people tend to make into mountains. Would you really want to end a good relationship over something that, when you step back and really look at it, may be rather trivial? Sure, it's out of your comfort zone, but maybe you both just need to grow a little in an area where neither of you have gone before.

I admit, I'm biased in this opinion, but that's my $0.02.

Jersey,

Welcome to the group and thanks for coming here and being open to learning. Obviously you want to try to understand and hopefully accept what's going on.

I can't say a whole lot that hasn't already been said, but I can reinforce some of it.

#1, there are many different levels or types of crossdressers. Some do it for a sexual thrill, others get absolutely no sexual thrill from it. Some feel more "right" and natural in feminine clothes, some like how they see themselves. There is no single, simple answer that fits all.

#2, some of us are 100% male and want to stay that way. Some really want to be 100% female and are on a path to surgery. Some want to be both, having real breasts while still functioning as a male. Some are happy to just look a bit feminine. We are individuals and each of us is different. You cannot put us into a single, simple category. Myself, I feel that I'm "somewhere inbetween" and that is my real nature that I can't change.

#3, from a sexual standpoint, some crossdressers are 100% straight, some bisexual, and some want sex with other men. It's probably pretty much like the general population. Crossdressing does not really changes one's sexual orientation.

#4, your husband probably has trouble communicating and explaining because he doesn't understand himself. I know I've been frustrated wondering "why" or "what", but I cannot come up with any explanations. My wife strongly encourages me "just to accept it" and go with it. She likes me feminine and has always seen feminine traits in me, even before I realized it. (For background, we are in our 60's and have been married for six years. I expressed my desire to be crossdressed early in our dating. I could never have been that open with my ex.)

I hope that you will come to appreciate that he opened up to you. There are many threads on the board here where the members have led stressful (and even depressing) lives because of the difficulty of "living a lie". One member even commented how their depression disappeared when they finally opened up to their wife. Having an accepting spouse can strengthen your marriage.

Bottom line, his desire to crossdress doesn't have to change anything in your relationship. He is still the same person he always was, you have just learned a bit more about the real person.

Best wishes,

Patti

Dear Jersey,
By coming here i see you are trying so hard to understand why your "wonderful man" likes to cross-dress . i understand this is very hard for you our reason are many but from my time here i have come to understand we seem to be hard wired this is in our being we can't stop and many here have come to accept this extra gift and try to embrace it the best we can .

it is also vary hard for us to explain just WHY !!! we find it hard to show our feelings and we don't totally understand why our self's plus all our years of programming .. it is often difficult to share our feelings ** thats the guy part ** in fear of losing the one we truly love when they find out for some of us hide our feeling for many years trying to find the perfect time to tell all but it never seems to come .

i understand how you feel but please just keep talking it is not the end of the world . i believe if you can try to understand and and find a way to deal with this issue with time and love , i hope you can see we are not bad / evil weird people but if given a chance show that we can be better person's because of our gift .
just keep talking i know your man is not sure but he is also going through hell himself right now . but he loves you enough to tell you . his fear maybe getting in the way of opening up to you and i know the trust has been damaged but please give him and your self time to try to understand i wish you both well . remember you catch more bees with honey .. anger will only stop the communication

** Bottom line, his desire to crossdress doesn't have to change anything in your relationship. He is still the same person he always was, you have just learned a bit more about the real person. ** well said Patti

Jersey,

Welcome to this forum, I am sure you will find as much support as you can deal with. By coming here, you have already expressed your desire to understand what your husband is going through. For many of us, that is paramount to our maintaining our own level of sanity. Finding one who will accept us and understand us for who and what we are is a goal for many of us. I myself have a wife who has known about Kandis since almost the day we met, and I cannot thank her enough for her love and support of me in both my male and femme modes.

Do both of you a HUGE favor, and that is research, RESEARCH, and RESEARCH. Find out as much as you can and maybe print out some articles or reports that you find helpful. Leave them in the open for him to find and that may be a clue for him that you are working on findng more information which may help him to open up with himself as well as you about his own crossdressing.

Kandis:love::rose2:

All of the girls have made many fine comments; please allow me to ask a few questions that you must answer for yourself.

1. Do you feel that if friends, relatives and work associates found out about your husband that it would negatively affect your relationship with them?
2. Would you feel any differently if the crossdresser was your brother?
3. Would the fact that your husband could be a gambler or an alchoholic or something else affect you in the same way?
4. Do you feel that your husband's crossdressing is a refection on you or your womanhood?
5. Do you think that your crossdressing husband might be unfaithful to you?

You need to be very, very secure in the feelings that you have about yourself!

I think that many of these thoughts and questions have crossed my wife's mind. In the beginning, many of these had been unspoken and she was somewhat reluctant to accept Annie. As time has passed and she has learned that within the public sector that my crossdressing can be controlled, she has become a little more accepting day by day. She still has the same fears but has come to realize that together we control the degree of exposure.

Give yourself and your husband time. With time, you will be better equiped to understand your husband and make a better decision on the best course of action. After 6 years together, he hasn't changed on the inside but only her outward appearance.

Good Luck and I pray that you remain together!

HI,

The first thing to understand is that your husbands dressing has nothing to do with you at all. He would be a cross dresser whether you two were together or not.

I told my wife well before we married to give her the out if she wanted it. We have almost 14 years of marriage coming up soon.

She does participate at times and other times I just dress up cause I feel like it. There is no set schedule. We do go shopping together as she really likes my fashion sense and she knows that I would tell her if she wanted to get something that I thought did not really look good on her. As well tell her when I think something looks great!

And yes we still do most of our things as we were born. The dressing just adds to our lives.

I also do not let the dressing take over everything and we lived a very balanced life.

There is nothing to get scared about and your husband is the same person you married. It would have been nice if you were informed before the big day but as you can imagine, this is a very difficult thing to discuss.

The only advice I will give is to keep the lines of communications open. Tell him how you feel and don't hold anything in. And yes therapy to help the both of you understand this is defiantly a good option.

Please don't act rashly. Remember the reasons that made you two tie the knot. They have not changed. He is still the same guy on the inside.

I wish you two the best!

Well, welcome to The Forum. This is a place for dialog, and you will see responses that will cover any Transgendered Issue from many angles. It doesn't make them right or wrong....they are just opinions. You still have to pick and choose what will seem right for you and your S.O. If the advise "fits" and it works, that's what you need.

My "advise" is to go slow with this. DO NOT press him for all the answers, and expect to "talk it out" for some time. He still has the male side and when men are working on a problem, the tendency is to withdraw and "go into his cave" to work the problem out. IF, and it's a very large IF; you have the patience to wait for him to start talking about his situation, I think that eventually it will surface.

Try to be understanding, this part of his life has been going on since childhood. He can't imagine that all the problems will suddenly be worked out by "talking about it today." In fact, he's probably very fearful that the more you two talk, the worse it's going to get. Remember, he might have already had that talk with his mother, and it probably didn't turn out very well back then; why should it turn out well this time around?

Stick around here, talk with some of the other GGs, and learn that most of us are not crazy, perverts, or anything else that's far worse. If you get a chance, investigate a Support Group for both of you.

Right now, probably this thing seems enormous. Trust me, give it time, get your mind off the situation, and it will shrink down to manageable.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Jersey, there is certainly every possibility of light at the end of the tunnel! Having recently admitted to myself and then my SO the extent of my CD life and TG feelings we are now in a much closer and more understanding relationship. The key to this has been talking and, perhaps even more importantly, listening.

I spent many years refusing to acknowledge my true self due to confusion about my feelings and why I am the way I am. It led me to almost complete stalemate in my ability to function on an emotional level.

I have managed to get through this and am now able to offer my SO unconditional support, loving and understanding in helping her to understand her feelings towards this big change in our life.

So I really can understand your position as it's so close to mine just a few short weeks ago.

This is the place to find friends and support, just ask, there's always someone listening who's been or still is where you are.

Lots of love

Sarah...

http://web.archive.org/web/200510240...c500/pg01.html

http://web.archive.org/web/200509201...c500/pg06.html

http://www.world-science.net/exclusi...0511_trans.htm

I'm a GG (genetic girl or female at birth), my partner is a CDer here. There's an upside and a downside to everything in life. You can either sit and wallow in the self pity of things gone wrong or you can make lemonade. :) I prefer lemonade. Personally, I have never had an issue with CDing but I've just had a very different life than most where I was exposed to different lifestyles at a young age. But many here can relay the horror stories regarding their partners' CDing.

I hate drama, hate pity and prefer to look at life positively. So for those like me, our partners' CDing helped strengthen our relationships. It gave us best friends like we've never had. It allowed us to be entirely girly with them. It gives us the ability to truly be ourselves and express it on the same level as our CDing partners. We've learned to laugh at the silliness with them. To enjoy dressing up and finding ourselves sexy. To being intimate on levels other couples never experience. Its allowed us to indulge in our own inner fantasies.

Unlike other couples, I get a partner that actually cares about her appearance, about her things and isn't a slob. I get someone that accepts me as I do her. And I get someone to go out and enjoy life with.

Is everything perfect? Hell no but at least its an adventure!

I wish you the best of luck and congratulate you on seeking to educate yourself.

:love:
DD

Some of us don't understand why we dress it's just something we must do. I'm thinking he loves you and if you didn't love him you wouldn't be here so go with it don't push and he may open up. If he is like a lot of us It's not something he just does. so give it some time and maybe you both can learn why he need to do this.:hugs:
Angie

PS Maybe you can have a great girlfriend to go shopping do lunch or whatever.

Thank-you to all who have posted replies. You are all right there a questions that need to be answered I like the idea of not pushing him to discuss but what would be the best way to approach this?
I find the hardest thing is he seems so "butch"" on the outside, yet so sensitive at times. I like the idea of a shopping buddy but how do I get through the idea that if I buy something he might want it? (our sizing is different) How do your SO's get past the "scared to leave your panty draw open"saga? I know these questions might seem so strange but its just whats going through my head. Everyone has brought up a lot of home truths you are all so right:love:

Hi Jersey,
It sounds like he is not ready to accept himself as a crossdresser. That will take some time. It took me a long time to just accept it. I had to go through my own fears that if I accepted it, God and others would reject me and that I would end up throwing 3 sheets to the wind. It took years of therapy with psychologists for me to truly accept it, but that was without any support from my ex. In your case, (oh, I wish my ex could have been like you!) just be paitent with him, not pushing, but letting him know that you do accept him with that part of his life if he wants to be real with you.

Also when the time comes, let him know what your boundries and limits are concerning the crossdressing. When I shared my crossdressing with my wife now, I needed to know from her, what her boundries were. That gave me the freedom to operate within a safe area of our relationship.

Bless you

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Originally Posted by jersey

.. but how do I get through the idea that if I buy something he might want it? (our sizing is different) How do your SO's get past the "scared to leave your panty draw open"saga?

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Jersey,

Well you could buy a few things for him :) I know that when my wife surprised me with a few things, it went a long way in convincing me that she was really okay with it and that she truly liked me in feminine things :)

As for borrowing things, I don't borrow hers, I like mine better ;-) However, yesterday I noticed that she had on one of MY sportsbras! LOL Why are you "scared to leave your panty drawer open"? What are you afraid of?

Realize that for a man, there is a lot of confusion and questions in his own mind as to what it all means and what is going on. Having a wife who truly accepts and/or encourages it goes a long way in helping one to make peace with themselves.

Patti