One of the prices you pay for crossdressing

:sad:Hi everyone! I haven't been around here for several days. My wife stumbled across some of my Lisa clothing last week while trying to hide Christmas presents in the attic. She knew that I had my things stored up there in 3 or 4 very hard to reach places but she ventured into one of those, saw bags she had never seen and curiosity killed the cat once again. Now, she's seen some of my clothes before but this one bag had my breast forms and a couple of wigs in there. She'd only seen the clothing and this was more than she could stand......the straw that broke the camel's back! We had seen a great therapist last year over this and the clothing and my dressing need had been discussed openly with the therapist. The forms and wigs had been talked about as well but she didn't remember that and SEEING them was the final blow......the last and final realization that I can't extract Lisa from my persona no matter what and she definitely will never go away! I now know she only grudgingly tolerated that I dressed and underdressed and as long as it was not discussed or she didn't accidentally come across something I may have forgotten to put up or across a collection of items such as this particular one it was "out of sight, out of mind" for her. She never truly accepted that Lisa was a part of me and the therapist only provided a band aid over what was obviously a gaping wound that will never heal. She also would never discuss any of this with just me when we were alone.

There are other issues in this mix so it was not this one single thing that will end the relationship but I'm now contemplating a split-up and probable divorce somewhere in my future......after 30 years together! There's been a lot of unhappy, ugly water under the bridge since her first "discovery" many years ago and two other subsequent therapist sessions where I was ordered to "Get it fixed or else" and told this was my problem and she didn't have any problems and would not be talking with either of those therapists because I needed to be fixed, not her, and she would never accept any alternative. Looking back, I missed the sign way back then that she wanted absolutely no part of me physically or "mentally" dressed in her eyes or mind by her complete unwillingness to discuss it with me or the therapist and try to look for compromises or set up house rules. I realize she had rejected me for who I was then but for whatever reason either chose to refuse to believe it and push it out of her mind or not seek separation in "hopes" that it was a passing ugly "phase" or experimentation that would play itself out. That I never told her before we married and she "found out" later left her feeling cheated out of a better life and a relationship with a "real" man as she has put it to me several times.

The "cheated out of" part I fully accept responsibility for and have nothing but deep sorrow and shame if I've truly done that to her. I kept this part of me from her so I lied and betrayed her and fully accept the blame for that. Believe me, any future relationship attempt, if any, will include a full, up-front disclosure of my imperfections so there will be no misunderstandings of who I am and the person they will be getting!!!!!!!!!

Sorry my friends.......I know this is not the most pleasant of posts and a real downer but if I couldn't share this experience with y'all, I would literally explode. Thank you all for listening and supporting. Your friendship means the world to me.

Love

it sucks that the SO in a cd relationship cant see the BIG picture,,,,,
we are NOT hurting anyone,,raping babies,,selling drugs killing people,,or being drunk wife beaters,,,(I wonder if they would rather live with a wife beater instead)

WE are NOT the sick ones,,we know who we are,,,,,,

who says your not a REAL man??? just because you like to wear soft clothes...why should only the females get to wear the fun clothes..i HATE labels....WE ARE ALL HUMANS.........

shyt,,i do work on cars and the house while dressed,,,,
im a jack/jill of all trades and can build you a house while wearing a skirt and 4 inch heels,,,

so sorry for the turm oil. you will be ok whether you split or not. we dont get much opertunity to change but we can communicate and either way i would try to keep that open and honest from here on. bigg huggs and go see the therapist either way.

Hey Lis,

Sometimes life just plain sucks. Ain't no other way to put it. My hope and prayer is that you find the peace and happiness that everyone seeks. We all like to tell everybody else what they should do but tonight I just hope you and your wife can work it out.


Katie

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by obsessedwithpantyhose

it sucks that the SO in a cd relationship cant see the BIG picture,,,,,

---

So it's their fault?? hahaha That's a great statement... They didn't sign up for this knowingly so I wouldn't blame any of them including my wife who found out almost the same way for diviorcing them, us... me... in a heartbeat....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by obsessedwithpantyhose

we are NOT hurting anyone,,raping babies,,selling drugs killing people,,or being drunk wife beaters,,,

---

This part is so true. My wife has actually said it might be easier if I was having an affair!!!

No, I wouldn't do that, nor am I any of the above. So sorry to hear of this Lisa. Stay strong, hopefully all will work out for the best.

i am so sorry to hear this . try to get her to forget about it until after Christmas at least have one more fun time before the crap hits the fan. my heart goes out to you :hugs:
been there done that got the bumper sitcker... and the dog house

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

So it's their fault?? hahaha That's a great statement... They didn't sign up for this knowingly so I wouldn't blame any of them including my wife who found out almost the same way for diviorcing them, us... me... in a heartbeat....

---

I agree. Of all the things that our SO may think they could face during a marriage, a cross dressing husband probably isn't one of them. I don't think my wife could handle it and I really couldn't blame her.

Dear Lisa,

What helped me the most in my head and heart was to realize that Jina is the same person who has faithfully loved and cared for me all the years we have been together.

I dunno if it will help at all, but if you could just get your wife to understand that she really does know you, that you really are the person she thought you were, and that this is just a part of you, in a sense, maybe she will be ok with it or at least try to work it out.

In my mind, thirty years worth of commitment, work, dollars earned, holidays spent, crises met, etc. should not be overshadowed by this part of you. It's an important part, but it's a part, nevertheless.

Keep us posted, and be courageous!

Love!!!! Hugs!!!!

I hope you can wait until after Christmas for any decisions, it is a really lousy time for bad relations.

We all hope we find the one that will accept us truly in the "for better or worse" but, the strange, unusual, and odd thing still catches people off-guard.

If you get through this, I suggest a locked trunk, gun safe, etc. to guarantee the "out of sight, out of mind" policy.

Good luck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by obsessedwithpantyhose

we are NOT hurting anyone,,raping babies,,selling drugs killing people,,or being drunk wife beaters

---

I totally disagree with Obsessed's statement. You ARE hurting someone when you lie and deceive them!! Marriage is now, and always has been, a two way street. Or better stated, a two person situation. Honest and open communication must always be the way to handle things. And that means from the very beginning, BEFORE the marriage.

Lisa's wife married a real man! But that man likes to wear women's clothing! She did not know that, because he never thought to tell her, and give her the option of saying NO to his proposal. Was that fair to her..........not in any sense of the word!

I am truly sorry if a 30 year marriage has to end like this, but you know deep in your heart that it is entirely your fault!! If you really truly love her, and after 30 years I would think so, you can give up Lisa in order to keep her! You have to decide what is more important! Satisfying your own desires, or keeping the lady you loved enough to marry! I have been a CD for over 60 years, but if a certain lady told me to stop being Stephanie I would in a heartbeat! My love for her is strong enough that I know that I could stop being Stephanie. My dear late wife, who was fully supportive from before our marriage, once asked me to stop being Stephanie! I did, and one year later she handed me a pair of panties and a bra and told me it was time for Stephanie to reappear!:)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

So it's their fault?? hahaha That's a great statement... They didn't sign up for this knowingly so I wouldn't blame any of them including my wife who found out almost the same way for diviorcing them, us... me... in a heartbeat....

---

Yep, and this is why I perpetuate the HONESTY aspect for people wanting to know IF they should tell their soon-to-be spouses up front. Either risk losing them right away, or suffer the hardhsip that comes out after a LONG time of lying about it.

Zarabeth

The only thing I can think to say to you is give her some time to try and get right in her mind. My wife was not too happy either. Being married to me is hardly a picnic.
In due time she realized that I am still me even in a dress or in pantyhose. She loves me for who I am and who I am is a man who likes to dress as a woman. Right now she cannot see beyond the feeling threatened. When and if she can you may be able to talk to her. I wish you luck.

Lisa

So sad to hear this happen. She has spent 30 years with you and is now contemplating throwing that all away because her head in the sand approach backfired. This is why people have to get these issues properly sorted out when they first materialize and not let them be swept under the carpet because you can pretty much guarantee they will be come back to haunt you.

Suggest you remind her what you have accomplished and the commitments you have made with her over 30 years despite not being the "real" man she dreams about.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sissystephanie

I totally disagree with Obsessed's statement. You ARE hurting someone when you lie and deceive them!! Marriage is now, and always has been, a two way street. Or better stated, a two person situation. Honest and open communication must always be the way to handle things. And that means from the very beginning, BEFORE the marriage.

Lisa's wife married a real man! But that man likes to wear women's clothing! She did not know that, because he never thought to tell her, and give her the option of saying NO to his proposal. Was that fair to her..........not in any sense of the word!

I am truly sorry if a 30 year marriage has to end like this, but you know deep in your heart that it is entirely your fault!! If you really truly love her, and after 30 years I would think so, you can give up Lisa in order to keep her! You have to decide what is more important! Satisfying your own desires, or keeping the lady you loved enough to marry! I have been a CD for over 60 years, but if a certain lady told me to stop being Stephanie I would in a heartbeat! My love for her is strong enough that I know that I could stop being Stephanie. My dear late wife, who was fully supportive from before our marriage, once asked me to stop being Stephanie! I did, and one year later she handed me a pair of panties and a bra and told me it was time for Stephanie to reappear!:)

---

Stephanie,
I agree with you about taking responsibility. It is truly a confusing place for a wife to be after thinking she married a "manly man".. But sometimes situations like that are unavoidable because we ourselves are so confused by it. I don't know Lisa's whole story but it very much mirrors what I am currently going through.. I met my wife when I was 20 in 1983. She was 18. we dated for a long time and got married in 1992.. I was still trying to figure out what I was at that time and was young and full of guilty feelings for thinking I was a freak. I wasn't going to to tell ANYONE!! I thought it would pass.. Sure, I put it on the back burner for a long time but it A L W A Y S comes back! More guilty feelings, and now being married for a few years. Thought I could give it up again.. Tried.. Didn't work.. Long story short.. She found out.. They ALWAYS will eventually.. She was understandably shocked.. At first she said it turned her on, then she did an immediate about face and it's now sort of a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.. She says "I'm the one with the problem" and will not see a therapist with me.. She doesn't want to know about it and I'm realistic enough to know you CAN NOT give it up! It is a part of you just as much as your skin is! You can deny it and put it on the back burner for a while but you are just being unrealistic. You can't quit this even for someone you love! You'll just be lying even more! That being said, I can only imagine being put in that place myself. If my wife wanted to put hair on her face and a bulge in her pants I would be devastated.. I don't know what will happen with my marriage but I try to bring it up from time to time cause I know communication is the key..I love her very very much and hope she will one day want to open the lines of communication.. I AM the same person she's known since 1983! I AM a great father to our daughter! I AM a great provider, and I AM a crossdresser! :2c: Sorry for the rant!!

I am sorry to hear of you and your wife`s situation at the moment , and i do not think that we should be laying the blame on anyone as that would mean that one person is right and one is wrong when it is a combination of events that taken one at a time can be sorted out if both are willing to like in any relationship "give and take ".
You need to look at your wife's needs and she needs to look at yours and you come up with a compromise, i know it is so easy for someone else to say that and so hard to put it into practise, but that is what relationships are about not one or the other demanding anything as that only causes resentment.
I wish you both well in sorting this out as i can feel and look at it from both sides.

joanne

Ok. Put me up for a stoning now will you. I know there are a lot of us in similar positions but on this part I am really strong on.

Lisa, you said that this has been a problem for years and you keep sweeping it under the carpet at your SO's request? You both keep seeing therapists until you find one who agrees with her? YOU agreed to keep your "stuff" hidden and out of sight, never to be mentioned? She wants you "fixed"?

Why, oh why, do we keep blaming ourselves when we TRY to do whats right? Even when it goes pear shaped, it's always OUR fault and we always appologise for it? You have acknowledged you are not doing this to get at her - it's something inside you that drives you? SHE cannot understand or even tolerate what is going on.

The stoning part!!!!! It is a crying shame that you both took 30 years to come to the same conclusion that could have taken place years ago. What a waste........

I'm sorry. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if she can't understand or love you as you are - warts and all, then you shouldn't be together. If your relationship is built on lies and deceit, then you should not be together. Ouch.

The problem here is that you tried to please her and hide your real self. The other problem is that you were successful for so long. I am not blaming her for her reaction - everybody has their limits on what they can live with. I am not blaming you - you were just trying to please her at your own expense. The real problem is that you both tried to deny a part of you that have found you could not live without and she can't live with.

I am a great advocate of openness and honesty. Even if it hurts. If you AGREE to keep this part of your personality hidden from your SO and she understands that this is a part of you and a need that she cannot satisfy, then that is being open and honest. It is not deception when you BOTH agree to keep it under wraps. She does not have to take part, but the relationship will suffer if she does not consent. If you are sneaking around and seeking personal satisfaction WITHOUT you partners willing consent - then you might as well be having an affair, "raping babies", murdering people>>>>>

Well, I for one, hope that there can be a happy ending to this dilemma. I can't see it though, but my heart and thoughts are with you both.

At the very worst, I hope you can both remain friends.

Why do I feel so strongly on this - been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it. Our marriage wasn't wasted, but it could have been so much better. I was in denial and she was happy for me to be there.

And Stephanie - it's not fair to say that you would give up Stephanie in a heartbeat if your wife asked you to and we should all follow that action - there is a very good reason why she gave you the bra and panties my friend. We are not all so lucky.

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Portia

Hi there Lisa,

I was saddened to read your story and I can fully sympathise with both you and your wife. You are into something which is impossible to escape from even if you wanted and she rightfully feels cheated and can't accept it. Stale Mate! I've been there and faced many very bitter comments from my wife(ex). Life became unbearable. When sober she would say it was all okay and she had no problem with it but after a drink she would be absolutley evil towards me becase of it.

I felt all the guilt for being the one to start it and then spoiling her dreams. The main difference with us is that I told her early on before I had any CD items of my own.

I finally told her that I didn't want to live with her anymore as I could not and would not take any more of her mental/verbal abuse and that we both deserved a better life than what we currently had. The opening lines of an old Randy Crawford song summed up my situation,
" If you're not afraid of what love brings
Then endings are beginings of beautiful things"

We split up and I realised that she would spread the news about me quickly, which she did in (over)graphic detail. I didn't want friends or family to be hurt so I had to get in first. I came out totally to them. Now I can see that this was the best move I could have made. And now?

I met this fantastic woman who (due to my ex) knew about me. We would talk about it a lot and finally we became lovers. We now live happily together and she accepts me for the person that I am. She is also a member on this website (katy dee).

I think you are nearing your darkest point but I write to assure you that there is definitely a bright shining light at the end of the tunnel.

I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that you both can find the right solution to your saddness.
Samantha K

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sissystephanie

I totally disagree with Obsessed's statement. You ARE hurting someone when you lie and deceive them!! Marriage is now, and always has been, a two way street. Or better stated, a two person situation. Honest and open communication must always be the way to handle things. And that means from the very beginning, BEFORE the marriage.

Lisa's wife married a real man! But that man likes to wear women's clothing! She did not know that, because he never thought to tell her, and give her the option of saying NO to his proposal. Was that fair to her..........not in any sense of the word!

I am truly sorry if a 30 year marriage has to end like this, but you know deep in your heart that it is entirely your fault!! If you really truly love her, and after 30 years I would think so, you can give up Lisa in order to keep her! You have to decide what is more important! Satisfying your own desires, or keeping the lady you loved enough to marry! I have been a CD for over 60 years, but if a certain lady told me to stop being Stephanie I would in a heartbeat! My love for her is strong enough that I know that I could stop being Stephanie. My dear late wife, who was fully supportive from before our marriage, once asked me to stop being Stephanie! I did, and one year later she handed me a pair of panties and a bra and told me it was time for Stephanie to reappear!:)

---

Well said Stephanie!!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by obsessedwithpantyhose

it sucks that the SO in a cd relationship cant see the BIG picture,,,,,
we are NOT hurting anyone,,raping babies,,selling drugs killing people,,or being drunk wife beaters,,,(I wonder if they would rather live with a wife beater instead)

WE are NOT the sick ones,,we know who we are,,,,,,

who says your not a REAL man??? just because you like to wear soft clothes...why should only the females get to wear the fun clothes..i HATE labels....WE ARE ALL HUMANS.........

shyt,,i do work on cars and the house while dressed,,,,
im a jack/jill of all trades and can build you a house while wearing a skirt and 4 inch heels,,,

---

I am sorry but this makes me :Angry3: Just what is the big picture???? I don't think she was allowed to see the "big picture" because her husband, the "real man" in her life sort of left the big picture out!!!! How is hiding this not hurting someone???? Fricking explain that to me. And I hope you are not suggesting that wife beaters and child rapers are the alternative to relationships with cd's. :Angry3:

You say you are not the sick ones and you know who you are?? Then why in the world don't you share who you are up front in a relationship??? Why the intent to deceive? I'm sure he got exactly what he bargined for, but he did not allow her to have the same.

And get off the soft clothes crap, men have a full selection of soft clothes to pick from and a large variety to boot. Oye it is not about the damn clothes!!!!!!

This is about betrayal, this is about selling yourself as something you are not. He billed himself as a "real man" and that is what she thought she was getting. Not someone who wants to be a faux girl! He made his bed now he has to lie in it.

Kitty

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by StayceeCD

. I was still trying to figure out what I was at that time and was young and full of guilty feelings for thinking I was a freak.

---

And that is an important thing to remember especially for those who entered into a relationship before the widespread use of the internet, basically any time before the turn of the century. Almost all CDs were completely isolated and unable to understand their own feelings and thought themselves the worst freaks alive. To condemn anyone who found themselves in such a predicament is to be devoid of understanding and empathy.

Similarly when you know that others will almost certainly consider you a freak and hate you for being so, exactly what about that is going to encourage you to open up? It is only human to avoid the pain such prejudices bring.

How many people would so readily condemn a woman who decided not to reveal her childhood abuse? All CDs are victims of society's intolerance which leads to self loathing and guilt. While we should overcome these feelings ourselves, a little compassion from others would not go amiss.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lisa_vin

:sad:I'm now contemplating a split-up and probable divorce somewhere in my future......after 30 years together!

---

Very very sad!!!! ending a 30 year marriage jezzzz try to work it out!!
regrets can be hell to live with. 50 something and sneaking off to the attic " as I use to" to play with your panties and your wife is upset!! My God we are a crazy bunch
:sad: Kelsy

Katie B's posts (#'s 21 and 22) and Satrana's last (#23) are exactly what was going through my head as I was reading this thread...

Except in the rarest of circumstances, there just was NO telling, NO possibility of compromise if you'd told over 30 years ago! Even with the most educated and sensitive woman in the world, there would have been friction over this revelation.

And on our sides, without the support of empathetic others (like most of those on this forum) and with an official med/psyche attitude that cd'ing was a mental illness, all we had was guilt and fear and recrimination!

I kept quiet, too. And I felt safe. And I let the chance of marriage to several miraculous women slip through my fingers because of it!

Get off lisa's case. She did the best she could. But she ended up with a woman who decided not to love her. It's sad that it took so long for this drama to finally end up as a tragedy, when it could have ended up as a romantic comedy!