Came home and all my clothes are gone

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy:sad:

Sorry to hear that Wendy. It is sad when one partner takes it upon themselves to be the police and dictator in a relationship(works both ways). Love doesn't demand anything. Love tries to work with what they have to get an acceptable result for both parties. There must have been something that triggered this. Maybe you can work back and try and understand why she would be this way. Lord Tennyson said

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -
Love should be a two way street.

Wendy I am so sorry that your wife did this to you, regardless of whether or not she could accept your Cding, she had no right to do that (and yes I am a GG)

I hope that you can both now sit down and talk about this calmly and rationally with each other .......... if it will help in anyway at all then you can pm me for my yahoo or msn addy if she would be willing to talk to another female about this ............ you can tell her I have had one failed relationship with a CDER and am now involved with another if it will help in any way at all

:hugs: hun

I agree with Lorileagh

This just put a huge wedge in between both of you and that wedge will get deeper and deeper inserted over time. She just told you she does not approve of you, albeit she stated it as "that part of your life" it is still you and part of your life. I see you playing along for a wile but it going badly over time.

I am sorry this happened to you. In all to many relationships we hope our wife's wont change and they do huge, and our wife's hope to change us and we don't.


Good Luck

Wow, this is rough to hear. I can't even begin to immagine.....

I don't really have any advice to give, all I can do is wish you the best and let you know if you need anything we're all right here for you.

<hugs>

~Sara

Love and marriage is a 2 way street
make sure you stay on your side.

I'm sorry to hear that She did that Wendy
She had no right to throw out anything of yours without talking to you first!!

She was bang out of order!!!!

Hi Wendy :hugs:

I am so sorry to hear your wife took the action she did
This was a breach of trust in my opinion She had no right to dispose your property without your permission
I suspect she has no idea what effect this will have on you :(

As a couple I fear this is a blow you may not recover from :(
You will both need to sit down and talk. Counseling may also help both of you

Wendy, so sorry to hear this happened to you! If she wanted you to stop cding, then she should have sat down and discussed the issue with you, and not gone about throwing out your belongings. I'm not in a relationship, so I don't know what advice to give you. Only this: Cding is a part of who you are; don't let her destroy that. For, if she does, she has destroyed a part of you. That's not marriage, that's oppression!
*Hugs*

Seems to me that she was not entirely honest and up front with you to begin with. And I suppose throwing her stuff out would not be beneficial either. Something had to trigger this reaction on her part, so mediation is the natural course of action at this point.

No how you feel. had it done to me. When the things left so did I.

Thank you all for the words. Im still shaken up and my emotions are all over the place. I never thought something like this could happen nor did I think she could be this cruel. We have a 4 year old son as well and she feels that he will find out somehow. I tried to assure her that I would be discrete but shes not listening nor has she listened for a long time. I feel like I want to run somewhere . Someof the threads spoke of dictatorship and oppression and WOW do I see their words shinning through.--Wendy:sad:

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Originally Posted by wendy68

Some of the threads spoke of dictatorship and oppression and WOW do I see their words shinning through.--Wendy:sad:

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hun I cannot defend your wifes actions, nor would I want to but if I can give perhaps another view point to dictatorship and oppression, it my be that she was trying in her own way to protect your son, and the family, from someone else finding out and destroying everything, the fact that her actions may do this is ultimately sad, and like I said before what she did was wrong, but please, please do not buy into the oppression and dictatorship theories :hugs:

Wendy, hon, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you, you have all my sympathy and best wishes. I am sorry to say this, but your relationship has some deep seated and very serious problems, anyone who would do what your spouse did without speaking to you about it is controlling, self-centered and doesn't care about your feelings, only about getting what they want.

Perhaps, if your wife is willing, couples counseling would be a good idea. Somehow, though, I don't think she'll agree to it. Perhaps it's time to think about whether you want to remain in the relationship or not. And yes, I do understand about having a son and your responsibilities to him, but living in a relationship that is based on a power struggle and the need for one partner to dictate to the other isn't good either.

I so wish you the very best and hopefully some sort of good outcome to this. All my best.

Hugs...Joni Mari

Wendy, she violated your boundry. I would let her know, gently but firmly, that you are going to replace them. Not all at once, but in time. Ask her to help you replace them and then you and she can start over and discuss boundries and groundrules.

If you had violated her boundry, I would be in her corner.

Now, you know that standing up for yourself is a risk, but that is the only place where you can have respect for each other. Ask her to go to counseling with you and if not, go by yourself.

I am so sorry to hear that, sweetheart! I would be devestated. I have a lot of stuff that has taken me almost 10 years to gather up. I hope you two do not fight over this too much, I can understand one or two "heated" discussions though. Good luck with this.

My lover is starting to hate my make-up, and some of my outfits. I know I look a little ****ty, but that's what makes me happy. She'll NEVER understand. I know that if that ever happened to me, I would move out and steal all of her stuff! The more adult option is to leave it alone, state your mind, and re-evaluate your relationship. I am currently donig this, and things do not look good. It's gonna hurt to break up, but I need to not be in hiding about my sexuality.

In short: Love me for who I am, or do not love me AT ALL.

Well it can only get better from where you are. I really feel for you. I have resistance to my dressing from my wife as well, but I have to give myself room for it. I feel that if my wife can;t accept all of me, then it's better I do it away from her to keep my sanity and keep from being depressed. My wife is better off with someone who's not depressed, too, so I have to take care of myself first so I can take care of her properly.

Hugs,
Ann

If it was me, I will take all her jewelry, everything expensive that she owns (purses, shoes, clothes, makeup and etc.) and place it in a place where she can't find it. Put that's me. When she's explodes, then tell her, that was exactly the same way you felt. Of course, that's me.

If you don't want the fight and stand up for yourself, then go to safe route and talk and seek counseling.

My two cents.

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Originally Posted by wendy68

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy:sad:

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i'm not here too long your situation seems very familiar to me.

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Originally Posted by latindancer

If it was me, I will take all her jewelry, everything expensive that she owns (purses, shoes, clothes, makeup and etc.) and place it in a place where she can't find it. Put that's me. When she's explodes, then tell her, that was exactly the same way you felt. Of course, that's me.

If you don't want the fight and stand up for yourself, then go to safe route and talk and seek counseling.

My two cents.

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This kind of tit for tat behavior creates more problems than it solves. :straightface:

Cheers
Giuseppina

Wendy, your wife was wrong to do what she did. And in my opinion, it shows that there is a major problem in the relationship the two of you share. A marriage is a partnership. For either party to unilaterally dictate any terms between them is a gross violation. Unless the two of you learn to communicate with each other, there is little chance of the relationship surviving. You wife clearly does not have an understanding of your drive and desire to explore femininity. YOU need to do a better job of helping her understand. You don't have a clue as to how or why she feels the way she does. SHE needs to help you understand where she is with this. If you two do get to the point of talking about this, I hope BOTH of you can grasp the concept the communication is as much or more about listening than it is talking. More than likely your wife has a lot of mis-information about people who are gender variant. Gather as much good information as you can and have it ready for her. Should she choose not to engage in conversation, then you best be prepared to move on.

Wendy, what a shocking story - I can't believe how skewed some people's judgement can get. But when love and family is involved, I guess all bets are off.

I can imagine the anguish you're feeling... All I can offer is my sympathy and the hope that you and your wife will sit down for a serious two-way talk and reconcile things.

Wendy--wow, my jaw just hit the floor! I may have my own issues with my SO and his CDing, but I would NEVER violate his items or him in that manner!

I am of the opinion that something got triggered in her to act this way. If she has been doing ok (I believe that is how it sounds) with your CDing and set boundaries, something somewhere must have caused this huge and terrible reaction. If you wish to work it out, try and see what lead up to this event and lashing out. She might have tried to hide her true feelings and hit a ceiling when something happened. Either way, with a child involved, a marriage, and a life of at least 4 years together, I think you both are entitled to a talk and you are entitled to some answers and apology. I hope you both will come to a resolution that leaves you both in a better place than you are now.:hugs:

Wendy, hun, I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I can't imagine what would go on in my house if this had happened.

Her "preemptive strike" is truly a violation of your rights as a partner in the marriage and her attitude that, in her mind, gives her the right to do this and to deliver ultimatums is very disturbing.

Only you can decide how to deal with your situation, but know that many of us feel for you and your son and care about you. You will be in my prayers.

Hugs,
Persephone.

Not to be a trouble maker, ,,, and this doesn't do anything to help improve the situation... But - who the heck does she think she is to take it upon herself to do such a thing!?!

How would she feel if you _______ (fill in the blank)?

Sorry to hear this, hope things get better and maybe you could recover your things.

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Originally Posted by Christine Rugby

Wendy--wow, my jaw just hit the floor! I may have my own issues with my SO and his CDing, but I would NEVER violate his items or him in that manner!

I am of the opinion that something got triggered in her to act this way. If she has been doing ok (I believe that is how it sounds) with your CDing and set boundaries, something somewhere must have caused this huge and terrible reaction. If you wish to work it out, try and see what lead up to this event and lashing out. She might have tried to hide her true feelings and hit a ceiling when something happened. Either way, with a child involved, a marriage, and a life of at least 4 years together, I think you both are entitled to a talk and you are entitled to some answers and apology. I hope you both will come to a resolution that leaves you both in a better place than you are now.:hugs:

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I agree 100%...there must have been something to set her off (maybe a boundary that she set, but did not alert you to because she never thought you would cross it). With so much put into this relationship, you certainly owe it to yourselves to try and work it out as best you can.

I wish you all of the luck I can throw your way!

I'm sorry for the betrayal your wife has done to you. You expressed great trust in telling her in the first place. In my opinion the way she is behaving has negated any reason to attempt a line of dialog. If she was interested in talking, that's what she would have done. She's coming from a what she percievs as a source of strength, but a strong person has no need to deliver demands upon another person.I would say that you have some tough decisions ahead of you, been then that's just my :2c:.

Oh Wendy, this is a major set back to your relationship indeed. Firstly there must have been a trigger and you probably need to think about that. Secondly, you say she seems to have been empowered. I suspect that she might have told one of her girl friends or she might have attended a meeting or support group of some sort. I know that group meetings can often side with the percieved victim. They would see her as the victim because she was st the meeting. If you had been the one attending a support group you would have got the support / symathy as they would see you as the victim. Did you push the bondaries at home by maybe commenting on things such as saying I love your lipstick, I have one like it for example. I know I did that a few times and I could see that she was not impressed. She was having make up trouble so I got some of mine and said "try this its a better colour". Hang in there girlfriend. Hugs Amanda

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Originally Posted by wendy68

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. ... She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy:sad:

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Prepare for the worst. She can do anything. She's dehumanized you and humiliated you and destroyed your property. Is this a marriage worth saving?

I suspect she's had some bucking up from friends, her lawyer (that's right) or her therapist.

Another girl on the board got an ultimatum from her wife, she complied, and then wife initiated a divorce anyway.

Sorry to have to say this, just my opinion based on what I've heard.

Good Luck,

Diane

i am so sorry she did that. normaly i would say gather all her stuff up and dispose of it to. but this would be counter- productive. about the only way i can think of to handle this would be to sit her down and hash things out. honestly, she had no right to touch your stuff. technicly thats theft. make this fact very clear. but don't start screaming right off the hop. again thats not productive. if she really does love you like she claims this shouldn't have happened in the first place. plus she has no real right to tell you what you can and can't do in regaurds to you going to the meetings. your meetings sound like a matter of personal well being. sorry for the ramble'n on and on, i'm kind'a in shock that someone could do this to a claimed love one. on a personal note, and this is just my opion, going from your post, you owe her nothing and she owes you mega big time.

This sounds exactly like something my ex-wife would have done, and saying she did it so your son would not find out was just an excuse.
One of my ex's favorite expressions was "I did it because".

hun I am SOOOO sorry to hear that! its terrible and I hope you can work things out with her.

Hi Wendy....sorry to hear about your home situation. It almost sounds to me like she's having a knee-jerk reaction, possibly after talking to someone about your CDing activity. Even if this was the case, she still had no right to toss your personal items out like she did. I really hope things turn out for you and your SO. Relationships can be trying at times, but at least be comforted in knowing we're here for you. :)

However, I won't GLOSS OVER your SURPRISED and CONFUSED REACTION to what she did EITHER!:sad:

It sounds to me, like your marriage has SOME SERIOUS ISSUES u must resolve, if u 2 wish to keep it going!:doh:

Hi Wendy, That's a bad deal. I'm sorry and I send you all my sympathies,hun. But at least you have all of us here at crsdrsrs to talk to. Once again,I'm really sorry.



:hugs: :thumbsup: :love:

I always hate reading these type threads. You said that you told your wife about your cross dressing 2 years ago. I believe that in another thread you said that you have been married for 14 years. So one would surmise that you kept this a secret for 12 years, and your wife never had the freedom to choose if she in fact wanted to have a relationship and children with someone who cross dresses. She sounds like she at least was willing to try accepting it.. for at least 2 years, but maybe in the end she decided that it is something that she just can't abide by. Now she has tossed all of your "girly" belongings and you and a host of others it seems, are all indignant. IMHO you got exactly what you deserved. She may have had no right to dump your stuff,but you had no right to take away her freedom of choice in the beginning. No matter what your excuses are for hiding the fact..it was still a shitty thing to do. If cross dressing is something that you cannot live without, and something that she can't live with maybe it's time to call it a day. Had you been honest in the beginning,maybe you wouldn't find yourself in this position. Keeping secrets and lies always seem to come back and bite people in the ass, and it always astonishes me when they are surprised by an SO's reaction when they discover the truth.
I guess that the bottom line here is that although there is nothing wrong with cross dressing, and you have the absolute right to do it. There is also nothing wrong with not being able to accept it. You screwed up from the get-go and you need to own it.
I can't offer a solution for your situation,but hopefully others will read about your woes and take a good hard look in the mirror before traveling down the same road as you did.
That being said. I truly hope that you you and your wife can come to some kind of mutual understanding,at least for the sake of your innocent children.

Thank you all so much. Ive been reading all of your responses and its helped a great deal. I even spoke by email to a member of my support group which also helped alot. I really have no idea whats going to happen to my marriage. At this point everyone else is asleep and tommarrow is a new day. I wish I could be opimistic but I dont have high hopes. I tried to give her written information ages ago to try to see if it helped her understand me better but it had little effect. God I dont know if I could go back to repressing myself I had too many breakdowns to remember. I guess only time will tell

Best of luck to you as you try to figure it out. Be careful for a while, she did something very daring and will be pretty pumped up and very defensive when you are ready to talk about it. Her reactions may be greater than you would normally expect, so take it slow and try to keep it a discussion instead of allowing it to become a shouting match. That much heat could burn the place down. Keep it cool if you can.

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

I'm sorry she did that, that is just spiteful!! You should ask her how she would feel if you threw out everything of hers you didn't like (no I'm not saying stoop to her level and do it)... and see what she says to that.

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This is almost exactly what I was thinking as well. It sounds like she has some control and abuse issues. I hope that you can get by this, it would be a real problem for me.

Children are more concerned with playing at that age to notice what possessions happen to be laying around, besides, even if a child did discover the clothes and asked questions, they are pretty adaptable...moreso than adults as it seems.
I would let her know that this was a huge violation and showed utter disregard for you, that you're a grown man that needs no "permission" poarticularly to be who you are. I would strongly urge marriage counseling. The issue isn't even CDing, it's the contempt with which you were treated. I am so sorry you're going through this, I can't even imagine how violated you must feel. I personally wouldn't want to live in such a controlled environment and would have to question if this is a marriage worth trying to save...in the end, how good can it be to live with someone so disrespectful? She could have put the clothes in a locked trunk if she was that concerned about your child discovering them. I realize I'm highly principled and most wouldn't agree, but I'd even consider the idea of a civil lawsuit for her to replace my belongings...right's right and wrong's wrong and she had no right, just because she is your wife, to throw away your belongings without even so much as a discussion...and that goes regardless of when she found out. There are all kinds of reasons why a CDer has a hard time coming out to their SO, it's always best to be honest from the beginning, but GGs should try and get behind the CDer's eyes and understand what all they go through and how difficult it is for some to "tell". Isn't that what loving partners do, talk to each other and listen with their hearts? Good luck, whatever you decide you can live with.

All I can say is wow and how sad.
I think there is more than just cross dressing going on here. That was not a nice thing to do and even if she had issues with CDing she could have just set some ground rules for you, not throw out all your stuff. I'm lucky, my SO is not shy to say cool it with the cross dressing, I need a break and I comply with her request out of respect for her and us as a whole.
Good luck with this, it doesn't sound like it is going in the right direction but hopefully you can work out something that both of you can live with.

ADIÓS BABY!

If it were my life, I think that I would consider this as a "deal breaker." You have to talk with her, you have to try. But, if it gets worse; I would also be making contingency plans on what I would need to do, and when.

I don't think you will be able to live with The Ultimatums! At this point, I would be thinking about minimizing The Damage!

Peace and Love, Joanie

Next time she is out find everything that's guy looking slacks jeans paints etc and go take them to the dump too.

see how she likes it.

I don't have any advice on the realations ship but i fee your pain of losing everything. I won't go into details but basicly i felt i needed to remove everything from my place and asked a female friend to hold on to my things. About 3 weeks later when i went to retrieve my stuff i was told that "other" people had ransacked everything and i only got back a couple of items from a fairly large collection of clothes, jewelry, make up, wigs, the works. Basicly "wendy" as i knew her had been stolen. I was crushed at the time but now a year later i've nearly forgotten about the missing stuff and just enjoy the "new wendy" thats risen from the ashes of the old with a total remake

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Originally Posted by sterling12

ADIÓS BABY!

If it were my life, I think that I would consider this as a "deal breaker." You have to talk with her, you have to try. But, if it gets worse; I would also be making contingency plans on what I would need to do, and when.

I don't think you will be able to live with The Ultimatums! At this point, I would be thinking about minimizing The Damage!

Peace and Love, Joanie

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Great idea! heck with her,and the kid(s) Go ahead and live your life like you want to. Never mind the fact that you hid this from her... you had your reasons. :battingeyelashes:

Anyone remember debate class?

Given, you should have been up front years ago
Given, what your wife did was childish and unnecessary
Given, you should not have lied
Given, revenge won't help the situation (see childish and unnecessary above)
Given, you love your children (your wife right now not so much but we will leave some room for forgiveness later IF you both can agree) and you don't want to lose them (which we assume was the reason your wife did what she did...to save the children which may now end up in a broken home with two bitter parents, but that is next weeks debate).

We all agree on those givens?

Now what can be done to correct the problem?

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

Now what can be done to correct the problem?

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Probably nothing. Some women cannot accept their husband's cross-dressing at any level.

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Originally Posted by kellycan27

Great idea! heck with her,and the kid(s) Go ahead and live your life like you want to. Never mind the fact that you hid this from her... you had your reasons. :battingeyelashes:

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Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...
However, for most CD/TS here, things tend to be harder. I think if you didn't have this perfect life you would probably empathize more with some of our sisters who have had to go thru hell at times.

NOW to address what Lorileah said -
She is think thinking analytically, one must find a solution...
OK, So this is a good excuse to start building a new wardrobe. Sadly, you probably aren't going to get back your old stuff but things happen. What can be said?

Next, we have all had people in our lives who want to control us. You cannot let them. Once you start taking orders from someone who is not signing your paycheck, you have given up part of the rights you hold as an adult. Asking "Mother may I?" is not an option. Plus, a control freak always wants to control more. Your CD'ing today, what tomorrow?

Ladies, you simply MUST learn to stand up for yourselves. There will always be something trying to stand in the way of you living your life. Some of us don't pass well, and pretty much all of us have someone who will not approve of our CD'ing.

On the good side - though our spouses do go thru times like this, they normally come around.

Well damn. Wendy, I'm really sorry that your wife pulled this chicken-shit stunt. It was a low blow, and using your son as an excuse doesn't make it any better. That said, I do agree with Kelly. Keeping a secret like 'ours' from your SO is a bad idea. I know many of you will disagree but I'm sorry; any relationship based on a lie of omission starts off in the hole. I believed that my wife deserved to know that I was a crossdresser before we married and I still believe that today. If such an admission results in the end of the relationship then, well, it's better then than years later after both of you have so much invested in the partnership. If a SO can't accept a part of you that means so much, then she is not a good match and it's time to move on. Now, you have much more at stake and yes, a son that you will always share no matter how this turns out.

I would not live with a woman (or a man) who did what your wife did. I don't think she loves you Wendy. My definition of love doesn't include actions like hers. But, she did deserve to know who she was marrying 14 years ago. When she found out a couple years ago, she couldn't handle the truth. Please don't think I'm flaming you for deceiving her. Everyone thinks they have good reasons for keeping the secret, both at the start and as time goes on. But surely, everyone can see the sad result that often accompanies the revelation when it happens. I guess I hope you can work it out with her. I don't know that I'd want to but none of us are in your pumps hon. I wish you the best resolution you can make. Keep us in touch, Olivia.