How often is SO participation required?

This question is for heterosexual CD's. I'm sorry to exclude transexuals but I think that your situation is different and this is a true problem for some wives of CD's.

I have been mulling this around in my head and trying to come up with something that makes both my hubby and I happy. I have talked a lot about my situation and you can look back at my past posts so I won't go into detail except to say that I have not done a lot of crossdressing in the last couple of years due to circumstances. Now I am willing to entertain somthing reasonable. Underline reasonable.

I want to say this delicatly. Crossdressing is not something that I think about nor do I really want to. This is something that my husband desires. I have enjoyed it in the past but I don't want it to consume my life. I have agreed to participate once a month. My hubby wears girls underware, paints his toenails and I know for sure that he wears lipstick (probably other things too I just can't be sure) when I am not home. He does not consider this crossdressing, I do. He says that my participation is required for him to really enjoy it. Ok so, is there anything wrong with once a month? He really does have free rein when I am not home. I only get mad about it when it interferes with our sex life. When he CD's by himself he reads fictionmainia stories and I think endulges in some self love which I am cool with as long as it doesn't interfer or take the place of a healthy sex life between the two of us.

Ok so here is the question. How often should a spouse or girlfriend have to participate to keep their CD happy? How often should our CD's be the man in our lives? The flip side of the coin is just as important don't you think?

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

This question is for heterosexual CD's.
Ok so here is the question. How often should a spouse or girlfriend have to participate to keep their CD happy? How often should our CD's be the man in our lives? The flip side of the coin is just as important don't you think?

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I think what is important is communication. My SO and I have been tossing back and forth since halloween as I was dressed up about 3 time in 2days and she expressed fears about how dressing up would "take over" our relationship so I backed off. She is fine with me dressing up but wants equal time for other activities and some bounderies around when I dress up. I think that is very resonable and we are in the process of doing that. I always make sure to talk to her and discuss it before we engage in any CD activity together. I guess the short answer is whatever you work out with each other and to lovingly respect each others bounderies. Love Kahlan

Well really that is hard to answer. Each person is different and we do not come with an owners manual ( i wish we did). So what may be good for you and your family may not work for me and mine. It really helps ease the strees of it with the participation of our SO. And at times if our SO's participate then I think we feel less guilty for indulging in dressing.
I dress each and every time we come in the house. Most time it is just a nightgown or something. But my wife says I have a better attitude when I wear what I want. But I do not wear a wig and makeup most times. I do that about once or twice a month. And my wife sees no difference between dressed and undressed. Both are just one to her. Just the name changes but most times it is still honey. And I do not take on a different role either. I am just me. I am just a more laid back version of myself. I just have the fem name to fit the way I feel and a base for mail and internet use.
So I think that each home has to just find a balance that works for them. I am not saying that is easy or even possible in some cases. I know this has not been much help.
I am not sure I can be much help with this, it is just kinda a little window into another cd house. To show how different, as CD's we are and to show that our spouses see and feel about crossdressing differently.
Best of luck in finding your balance............


Kisses & :hugs: , Tiffy

You know my thoughts on this Kitty. If I were your SO, I would definately value your feelings on it. You have to decide what kind of comfort level you have with this. Personally, I'd rather read super hero comics or a good novel rather than that fiction crap as it does absolutely nothing for me. Maybe it gives him a sexual "buzz", I dunno.If I had an accepting partner, I would definately show come consideration for her feelings.Otherwise, I'm being self centered and letting it control me and that, to be quite honest, would scare the hell out of me. My wife never accepted my crossdressing but there was an uneasy peace between the two of us. Better that then nothing I figured. I feel what you are asking is reasonable. I would have been more than happy for once a month if my wife had accepted it. It depends on the individual, however. I feel you've done more than your share. His turn.:happy: Ericka Kay

Kitty, first of all, an SO should never, ever, have to participate. If you don't really want to, as you state in your post, then your really shouldn't. All it will do is build up resentment inside you. But you do need to communicate with your husband. I sense that you are suspicious that his CDing is developing into something you are not comfortable with. Talk to him. When we find ourselves doing things for one another because we know it brings joy to our partner, it becomes a joy for us as well. Good luck to the two of you :hugs:.

Are you talking about being present when he dresses, or a dressing experience like shopping, or are you talking about a sexual dressing thing. Its two different things all togather. But bottom line I agree with holly when you force either partner to participate in something they don't agree with it only hurts the relationship in the long term.

Well, I'm a mix of TG/CD but I'll answer anyhow.

I will repeat again what I had posted earlier.....if my "wife" would have not assumed any article of clothing she found (that was not hers) was another woman's, and had not asked for details when I said I was going out I would have never mentioned anything about my dressing or asked her participation. I knew how she felt and would have done it away from home out of her sight (motel rooms are cheap) unless she was safely gone for the night. Wives should not HAVE to participate if it is not their thing.

Now what I would have liked from her is another story. I would have loved to have had her to cuddle with once a week. My fem side really wants to be touched in a non sexual way on a regular basis (but I can survive without it). And I would have loved to feel "normal" with normal weekly interactions...it's just very hard to find a sister to interact with that doesn't want it to become too much. All that said, I would have settled for once a month gladly if that was all she was offering.

Emily Ann

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

Ok so here is the question. How often should a spouse or girlfriend have to participate to keep their CD happy? How often should our CD's be the man in our lives? The flip side of the coin is just as important don't you think?

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A spouse or girlfreind should NEVER have to participate. You need to want to, and perhaps that is the problem here, you don't really want to do you? He knows this, at least emotionally, and that is why he is finding his dressing time around you so unfullfilling that he is pressuring you. If this is true, (I may be way off base here) then you have to ask yourself, WILL you ever really want to? The acceptence he is seeking through your 'participation' is an emotional craving he cannot fullfill without you actually approving of him while dressed. You need to look at it carefully and see if there isn't some part of it you can honestly appreciate, and cultivate that in yourself, and learn to show it to him. He needs to understand what you are trying to do, and BACK OFF, and be supportive of you. Any schedules or limits you mutally agree to observe will then be less constrictive to his need, as he will be finding the fullfillment that comes from the appreciation and approval of the one person in the world he cares most for. An Honest effort in this requires open lines of communication, emotions are strong, feelings mixed, but love can get you through.
I hope you can both find the joy and love that is surely waiting for you free of strife and upset. Good luck!
:love:

Hello,
I was involved with a woman a while ago, that introduced me to this lifestyle. At first I was a bit apprehensive about doing this at first, as I saw it as a threat to my masculinity. We both agreed for certain times for this activity. From what you mentioned in your post for allotted time to be with him in is CDing is reasonable from my perspective. Only you and your husband can determine what is fair and what is reasonable. If you say once a month is enough for you, then it should be so. From your post you mentioned that he indulges in CDing with free reign when you are not at home with your knowledge of such. To me and by you conveying your thoughts his CD activities are more than suitable for you and your husband. You are ok with it once a month and he gets free reign to indulge when you are not home, and still wants more? WOW..... Limits on anything between two married people should be an acceptable postion in any marriage where two people are loving, caring, giving to each other. A marriage is love, but a special kind of love requiring sacrifice on both ends.
A CD may desire more intimacy with an accepting partner, but also can be happy indulging this activity by themselves. Not fully knowing the details, I would think he is pressing for more from you, than you are willing to give. If a spouse gives more and gets little in return resentment may start a rift. I do hope he knows and understands your concerns and needs. If not please sit him down and have a nice talk with him over this. You have already given to him , it is now time that he gives back to you. :2c:

We sort of developed the CD'ing together. I really got into it blindly. I guess that I thought that it was a fetish thing and I was really ok with the role playing etc. As time went on it overran my life. I found that everything we did was centered around the cd'ing. He had more makeup than me, more clothes than me more bras etc. I started to feel really uncomfortable about it and conveyed my feelings very clearly. I tried to get him interested in romance as man and women. I bought a book called 101 nights of great romance. It had secret assignments for romantic nights with lots of suggestons. Trouble is I would always go first and he would have excuses about why he couldn't carry out his part. I bought an instructional dvd on errotic massage and surprised him one afternoon, I have brought him home sexy girly nighties and surprised him with his wildest fantasy. And I did this of my own free will because I love him. I have bent over backwards in my opinion, to fullfill his cd wishes. He has done some things that are romantic but clearly not even close to once a month which is what I have agreed to.

I do feel like I'm being forced and I have told him that if he would just be ok with the once a month thing then maybe I would feel like surprising him more often. I have said before that it takes more effort for me to get into the crossdressing because it is really his thing. I do enjoy it once I get into it but I have to work at it. I don't know if that makes sense. He thinks that if I just give him more crossdressing then he will be happier and will do more of what I want. We go round and round about it. He used to call me the crossdressers dream girl. It didn't seem to get me anything but more crossdressing.

I don't think that I am being unreasonable. I understand that I used to give more than I do now but I am tired of going first.

He thinks that I am being mean and controlling. I think I am being reasonable and giving. I want a life too for pete sake.

Help!!!!!! I don't know what to do.

He is a member here too so I hope something that you all will say will help. Thanks
Kitty

Have you ever asked your SO this question? "Honey, what would be your ideal situation as far as our life and crossdressing are concerned? How often? Would you leave the house? Where would you go and what things would you do dressed? What level would you like me to participate at? What would be enough participation on my part for you?" Then let him answer with out interference.

Then your SO should ask you the same thing and let you answer without interference. My wife found it best to leave letters on the kitchen table and we answered them when we were alone. And left them for the other. That way you can refer back to it when you sit and talk after you have written each other atleast once.

The two answers will be different but atleast they would be on paper and in the open. Then you can being to barter toward a common goal.

We pray for you......Tiffy

It sounds as though you are feeling that you are being pushed in a directon that you are not sure you want to go. Most people when pushed will make the natural response and become somewhat defensive. You should not have to be a part of CDing if you do not feel comfortable with it. When someone ask us to walk beside them into a different area of there life, we walk at an agreed pace. We don't push, we don't pull, we walk together. I don't know an answer but I hope that the two of you can find a way to walk rogether in the romantic, Cd, and other intimate parts of you life.

Cyndie

What do you consider once a month? Is that an evening, a day, a few hours?

How about this? What if it were a cd fest? Like a weekend long lifestyle thing, where he wasn't allowed anything but to be enfemme. Kind of just blow it all out. You could time it out so it doesn't interupt your sex life, kind of on your schedule, if you know what I mean. And then, let him have his fictionmania.

You still are a crossdressers dream girl. Hell, with all that effort, your any mans dream girl!

I'm not sure what you mean by "participate". If it means just having you around to hang out with well what ever you feel is your limit. If you mean sexually participate and you think that you are only up for that once a month then that's really your choice. I suspect that you are like many wives of cds---you are willing to tolerate it, even go along with in once in a while because your husband likes it, but are not really into it yourself as a full time diet. It could be that you might have found it enjoyable at first because it may have spiced your husband up when it came to sex but now youre tired of it--a common problem if one is to judge by the GG postings on this forum---really the choice is yours----whatever you feel is your limit----but beware that if he doesn't feel it is enough it could lead to serious problems in your relationship. Its a tough compromise for both of you. Good luck

Kitty,

I agree with Sophie....you are a dressers dream come true. You allow it and join in on a regular basis. Don't bash yourself hun.

I have many times said dressers are some of the most selfish people. Living with someone is a compromise at best. We tend to want it always our way.

The suggestion to ask what he would want as far as amount of time CDing if he had his way is a good idea in my opinion. Find out how far he wants to really go....you probably won't like it, but at least BOTH of you will then know how big the obstacle you are facing really is.


Emily Ann

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Originally Posted by Emily Ann Brown

Kitty,

I agree with Sophie....you are a dressers dream come true. You allow it and join in on a regular basis. Don't bash yourself hun.

I have many times said dressers are some of the most selfish people. Living with someone is a compromise at best. We tend to want it always our way.

The suggestion to ask what he would want as far as amount of time CDing if he had his way is a good idea in my opinion. Find out how far he wants to really go....you probably won't like it, but at least BOTH of you will then know how big the obstacle you are facing really is.


Emily Ann

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Well sweet Emily Ann......It's not my dream and never was and will be!! I enjoy my enfemme time solo........ freedom in a sort of wierd way!! And to have another person help decide what I have to wear and where should we go and how my makeup should look would take some of the fun (a lot!!) and most of the freedom away....in my humble opinion!!

Love Karren

DEAR SWEET KARREN KARREN KARREN......


Mom left you alone way too much in the playpen. (giggle giggle).

I would get tired of someone picking all my clothes, and doing my makeup and such too (was why you know I left Mom's house). But I love having a woman there to spend time with and take me shopping occassionally.


Emily Ann

By participate I mean he wants me to pick something for him to wear, (he has been taking his own initiative on this lately) do his makeup and hair. Hang out, take pics and yes have sex. I try to make him feel pretty and engage in conversation, touching and telling him things that I know will make him feel like a girl. He would love for me to paint his nails and I used to but this just takes too much time so he will have it done before I get home for the "date". The date takes several hours. Usually when we have boy girl time it is when I don't even have my hair combed :eek: I want him to take me out, talk to me, touch me and then be all over me when we get home. Or if we stay in I want to listen to music, play a game talk and touch. I would at least like to have a little makeup on. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't want me to be the pretty one or the one getting the attention. I would like it a little more 50/50.

I have taken him out shopping. Even went in the dressing room with him at the good will to try on dresses. I have taken "her" out ot a couple of clubs and to a halloween party and to a regular resturant with others from tri-ess. We have even been nurturing a relationship with another couple who is very much like us. I am thankful to find some friends who we can relate to and who know albout and are trying to make cd'in work in their marriage.

It sort of hurts my feelings that he would be angry at me for saying that I could only play along once a month. Seems to me that a lot of women just plain don't even want to hear about it or leave their husbands because they can't deal with it. It's not like he can't play dress up when I am not home. I just don't want to hear about it. I have my interests also. I don't go on and on to him about how I love antique table clothes.

I think that he should not look a gift horse in the mouth and that he should be grateful that I do what I do. His pressuring me only makes me feel like I don't want to participate. At least I know that at the end of the month I will play dress up and I have time to plan the eve. and get into the mind set. What is wrong with that.??? It is so very frustrating to say the least.
Kitty

Hi

I'm with Karren on this one..I don't think I'll ever want "participation" from my wife. It's something that has been just me for so long, I'd probably not feel right having someone else involved...I'd feel a bit insecure I think, a bit embarrassed maybe.

As far as my wife goes, any participation that she does is a bonus. We do have an agreement, that I will never go out without her. But beyond that I never expect her to participate in anything, that has to do with my dressing.

I see it like any other activity that I do. I belong to other organizations and clubs in which she does not participate in the meetings or general outings, but when these have a special gathering like a Christmas party or State/Regional conference, then my wife will go with me. I would not expect any more than that even with my CDing. I do the same with her organizations and clubs.

Kitty,

I am no expert but from what I see you are not asking for much, infact you are just asking for what any loving wife deserves. As a CD with a loving and suportive wife I can tell you that I will always want an active sex life (man & wife) and would want nothing less.

As for the participation, I think what you are offering is any CD's dream come true (at least in my eye's it is).

Trisha

I think you said it all - why look a gift horse in the mouth.

I started taking my wife for granted in her support for my dressing and I tried to do it whenever it suited me and to do more and more as she supported me. When it went too far for her and I was girly for a couple of days on a mini break together I htink she thought she was going to lose her man so she stopped me completely. Only then did I wake up to the enormous effort she was making to help me.

No wife HAS to help. I would like to think that most would because they love the man they married and part of that man is a woman trying to enjoy herself.

Since my wife agreed to let Sarah back in we have negotiated every step. I don't want to hurt her again as I love her so I have told her what I would really like and she has told me what she can take. At the moment its me waeing lingerie and nightwear whilst in bed together. She knows I would like a bit more but I have agreed to do it all at her pace. Like you she says I can do what I like when alone and wonders why she has to be part of it at all.

I hope your husband understands how much you are doing for him. Only when I grew up to realise that has our understanding and love grown. I wish I could dress more often but I can relax knowing we are on this journey together again and not worry. For me that is better than dressing in secret or wanting to dress and notbeing able to talk about it. Even when out shopping for my wife we share thoughts on clothes and even if I don't get anyhting nw or dress it really helps me sharing the girly talk.

You are a wonderful wife to play your part - he shouldn't look this gift horse inthe mouth and you should live out the agreed lines you have set!

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Originally Posted by Tiffy

Well really that is hard to answer. Each person is different and we do not come with an owners manual ( i wish we did). . . .
So I think that each home has to just find a balance that works for them. I am not saying that is easy or even possible in some cases. I know this has not been much help.

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Thanks for the topic. It was interesting to hear everyone chime in. I've lived with the ebb and flow of CD issues for 40 plus years, 20 plus with two different wifes, and I can't add much. IMHO, stick w/ Tiffy's advice - talk to your SO and find the path that works for you now. Keep communicating and adjust to the ebbs and flows.

Hi Kitty, I think you've had some really solid thougtful responses here, and what would probably help the best is for HUBBY TO READ THEM!

Being two growing changing individuals sharing a life together always requires compromise, communication and respect. Sometimes things swing out of balance, one person changes while the other one is stuck, etc. It can be hard work and sacrifice to make it last. Sometimes we can't get what we want (or think we want) - and guys are generally more spoiled (IMHO) that women, so we tend to get a bit bratty about it. Sometimes I need a reality check.

For instance, I was telling my SO the other day how great it would be to have a few more women in bed with us. "Gee, honey I don't think so!" :spank: Oh, how unreasonable of her!

If your husband is truly transgendered then I can see how this would be a major problem for him. However, there are a lot of us here that aren't, and yet we pull that card out when trying to get our SO to 'give' or participate more. That's just being manipulative.

It sounds to me like you are supportive and know your boundaries and are willing to negotiate, but he's pushing the boundaries wanting more and isn't doing enough on his end. Really, sounds to me like the ball is in his court. Hope he realizes it before he messes everything up :slap:

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Originally Posted by Emily Ann Brown

DEAR SWEET KARREN KARREN KARREN......


Mom left you alone way too much in the playpen. (giggle giggle).

Emily Ann

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Funny you should mention that but your correct!! And our long hair Collie was always there next to the playpen (hence the attraction to long hair me thinks) and while I used to cough up fir balls from eating dog hair often, I think the platpen was parked very near Mom's lingerie drawer!! :)

I still don't consider crossdressing as a team sport, be it a team of 2 or more... So I have my things I like to do and my wife has her's. I would no more tell her what things to wear that day as go with her shopping and select her clothes for her.....

"No dear, try the mens jeans!! They are sooo much more comfortable than those tight fitting womens jeans and much more attractive on you!! Lilly told me that!!".

Hehehe

Love Karren

I agree with Holly and others.....

Neither of you should "have" do do anything that you don't want to do or enjoy! period.....end of statement.

In my personal relationship, my wife and I communicate openly. She has said also that she doesn't want my crossdressing to consume my life. Guess what? I don't either.

We have mutually agreed on about a 50% / 50% average. Sometimes, when I am in the mood, I dress more and other times less but it all works out to about 50% of the time and that seems to work for me as well!

Good luck and keep the communication open. I think that you are on the right track!:love:

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

By participate I mean he wants me to pick something for him to wear, (he has been taking his own initiative on this lately) do his makeup and hair. Hang out, take pics and yes have sex. I try to make him feel pretty and engage in conversation, touching and telling him things that I know will make him feel like a girl. He would love for me to paint his nails and I used to but this just takes too much time so he will have it done before I get home for the "date". The date takes several hours. Usually when we have boy girl time it is when I don't even have my hair combed :eek: I want him to take me out, talk to me, touch me and then be all over me when we get home. Or if we stay in I want to listen to music, play a game talk and touch. I would at least like to have a little makeup on. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't want me to be the pretty one or the one getting the attention. I would like it a little more 50/50.

I have taken him out shopping. Even went in the dressing room with him at the good will to try on dresses. I have taken "her" out ot a couple of clubs and to a halloween party and to a regular resturant with others from tri-ess. We have even been nurturing a relationship with another couple who is very much like us. I am thankful to find some friends who we can relate to and who know albout and are trying to make cd'in work in their marriage.

It sort of hurts my feelings that he would be angry at me for saying that I could only play along once a month. Seems to me that a lot of women just plain don't even want to hear about it or leave their husbands because they can't deal with it. It's not like he can't play dress up when I am not home. I just don't want to hear about it. I have my interests also. I don't go on and on to him about how I love antique table clothes.

I think that he should not look a gift horse in the mouth and that he should be grateful that I do what I do. His pressuring me only makes me feel like I don't want to participate. At least I know that at the end of the month I will play dress up and I have time to plan the eve. and get into the mind set. What is wrong with that.??? It is so very frustrating to say the least.
Kitty

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Hello Kitty,
Reading your post is breaking my heart. From what I have read on this forum and others, about other women dealing with a CD husband, it seems universal that the CD is taking all and giving little if anything in return. Such selfishness from someone that professes love for a wife in incomprehensable. He does have more than enough of his time to "play", and he should give you your time to play meaning intamacy between you both, time alone together, socializing outside the home (dating)as husband and wife etc. As your husband he needs to meet your needs and requests,which means no CDing without you approving of it. I do agree that your husband should be greatful for ALL that you have done for him. I read a book some time ago where a quote from Confucious said "a fish doesn't appreciate the water until that fish is out of the water". The fish in your case is your husband, the water is you.
From all indications cracks are formming in the foundation of your realtionship with him. If he ever reads this I hope I can appeal to his sences. I beg of him to stop and contemplate what he is doing, and to do the right thing for the sake of your wife, and for yours as well. Think about your wife first and foremost in anything and everything. Stop the selfishness of your actions. He needs to realize who and what he has. He is BLESSED. He has it so much better than a lot of CD's. Seek forgiveness from your wife, and work more diligently to give back to her all the happiness that she has given you. Please stop being the greedy, selfish, person you have become. Love your wife, give to her, show her, be hers as a husband. She isnt asking for to much. Please. :2c:

I have read all the resposes so far. All seem supportive. I think what may not be clear to you Kitty, is just how strong his need to do this is. That said, the only level of participation that will really satisfy him is your complete acceptance of him as a woman. As you said though, you deserve a life too. A life with the man you married. You are right to be alarmed at where he appears to be going. He is wrong to be so selfish. Unforunately in marriges right and wrong are actually meaningless. Tread carefully, but do set boundries.

I have a suggestion for getting to see more of your man. Engage in activies with him that are masculine in nature. Go to a sports event, go hunting or hiking or boating. Burn something, build something. Sex, suprisingly, would not be a masculine activity for him at this time. But if you help him rediscover his male self it will be again someday. Remember this is a strong pull on him -- like a drug really.

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Originally Posted by Bethanygirl

A spouse or girlfreind should NEVER have to participate

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An S/O should only HAVE to participate.... when she feels she wants to.

Play on words, I know... but you get the meaning.

Thanks to all of you who responded. I was hoping that some of his peers would give him something to think about. I hope he doesn't see it as me getting it my way again. I do think that he has a certain selfishness. I have gone to lengths to try and make him happy but he doesn't always see it that way. Hence my frustration. He has come a long ways from the begining but I think that he has a long ways to go.

I feel that it is important to have a good foundation on which to build any kind of relationship be it friendship or marriage. I think that we are lacking that. I have been trying to tell him that once a month for the cd'ing will give us that time to build that. I don't know what to make of his anger over his perceived lack of crossdressing. He says that he is just a garden variety CD but I don't get why he can't be satified with the arrangement while we work on things. I told him that either he is incapable or he plain just doesn't want to. If this is the case then why should I knock myself out if he feels that it just isn't worth it? Why not be satified with what you have then anything above that is a bonus?

I hope that he takes your comments on the cuff and doesn't get angry at me but I am desparate to get a solution or the alternative will be going our separate ways. This is such a hard spot to be in you know? It is so sad really. Thanks again
Kitty

got nothin for ya except respect on this one Kitty.

:hugs: -b

I don't think it's ever required but I think to be what dan savage calls GGG Game, Giving and a Good Sport you should try it at least three times. If you can't get into it you should tell your SO that. And your SO should accept that.

Kitty, I want very much to reach out to you and say that not only are you not being unselfish, you are actively seeking a CD living arrangement that would please both of you. No man, CD or not, could ever ask anything more from his partner than that. You are above and beyond the call here, and it's great, and I think I understand why --what a great girl. I know it's scary, and the conversations at times won't be easy, (maybe he's more than CD...maybe not?? this is a matter that will need to be addressed at some time I think) but they must be done (delicately but honestly). I'm long ago divorced and no small part of that was my CDing, my inability to reign it in to a resonable level, and our joint inability to talk things through.

Having said that, I would like to add a comment for your hubby: You are not evil, or wrong to seek her participation, I know I LOVE it when my GG joins me, BUT...as many of our T* girl friends have pointed out here... that sweet GG of yours (the one who is working very hard to find a mutual solution for you both, and who is clearly one who loves you) has personal desires and wishes of joint non-CD intimacy that she craves to share with you just as much as you and I and many of the others in this forum crave dressing. I don't read her position as asking you to stop, only asking you to share some non-CD living with her in ways that she desires. A marriage is a share and share alike thing, it just has to be. I know how much we want to dress, and dress and play and play, but we have to give attention and affection to our SOs in the ways that they would like just as much. We can't argue that their wishing this is unreasonable --it just isn't.

For you both, please proceed openly, with the knowledge that love is an underlying element in your relationship, talk with one another, verbally, or using the letter-writing idea from an earlier posting (I loved that idea) -just be sure to be open with, but not hurtful or accusatory of one another. Maybe once a month is not where the compromise lies...maybe its four times a month as long as there were six or eight non-CD intimate massages, and/or dinner dates first. You guys get to choose the plan, just talk, and hug, and cry, and describe dreams, and remind each other how you come to be together in the first place.

All my very best wishes are with you both...

Jacqui

Kitty,
I believe that Krisinpink said something profound in his last paragraph. I believe there is nothing that love will not overcome. I do hope that both of you will find a balance point that will enable you to find happiness.
My answer to your question is: An SO should only partisapate if, and when they desire to do so. IE: Hunting, Fishing, Cooking, Golf, Football, Cd'ing, Etc.
We all have our worlds and we must live in them. I hope things will improve for you both.....Hugs
Sara

I know I dont really qualify because of being TG/Ts but I still believe that everyone's feelings have to be respected. You say this took on a life of its own and that may be well and fine, but I do believe some moderation is needed and your CD needs to respect both your marriage and relationship at all levels. Unfortunately marriage is not pick and choose, but it definitely is respect for one another.

So how much is too much or too little? It is what both of you can live with...comfortably!!

Let us know how this turns out? (Of course you will.) It has been a long road for you but going back, it appears as though gains have been made. We are all still pulling for you.

:hugs: to both of you
Kimberley

Kitty, this might sound weird but I've got a similar example that's got nothing to do with CDing.

My SO works in an office all week, gets up very early, spends all day surrounded by people, gets home late and tired. When she gets home all she wants to do is put her feet up and relax.

I work from home all week and get cabin fever. By the end of the day all I want to do is to go out and have some beers. I'm not being funny here - after eight, ten hours staring at the same four walls I get really antsy and really, really need a change of scene for the sake of my sanity.

Going out for beers isn't something my SO is a big fan of - she enjoys it occasionally but she doesn't want it to consume her life. She'll come out with me once a week, sometimes when she really doesn't want to, but that's about it: another night I'll go out with friends, and occasionally she'll suggest that I go myself while she stays in. She really doesn't fancy going out but she knows I'm going stir crazy stuck in the house, and she'd rather I went out by myself than stayed home being grumpy.

For me, it's not ideal: going out solo, or even with friends, isn't as much fun as going out with my SO. If it were up to me, we'd go out together every night; if it were up to my SO, we wouldn't go out at all. So we compromise, because that's what you do when you love each other.

I really do admire your committment to the relationship Kitty. You are a very exceptional woman. Any reasonable man would be proud to be your SO. I say that from my heart.:happy: Ericka Kay

wow i want it all and i want it yesterday.... you know total acceptance and for my wife to get to know Wendy ... fact is she knows but is not totally supportive .... what i would like to see is time spent and not forced in her face time but even that once a month would be way cool ... when it comes down to it her comfort is more important i do think we all want more it's just what people do but we need to look at things from both sides and make sure that our so's feelings and wishes are not being stepped on ....

Hi Kitty

I think I can understand something of the way you feel. I blew my wifes small amount of acceptance by not keeping to my part of the bargain. Now I'm trying to never dress again because when push comes to shove, I love her more than I love being dressed. You should not feel you have to do anything you do not feel comfortable with, or crosses your "acceptance" barrier.

Looking back I know I felt the constant need to be the girlier one in our relationship and that my wife never did enough for me, only now do I realise just how far against her own desires she went in order to make me happy. Whilst never being a great partiicipant in my desires, she turned a blind eye to my dressing sessions when she couldn't cope, bought clothes that would suit us both enabled me to go out en-femme in drab etc. etc. We are a selfish group of individuals who are usually dealing with something in our lives that we do not understand, often makes us feel guilty but love doing.

Others have referred to this need as our hobby, we would not expect our partners to participate in stamp collecting or car maintenance etc if the really disliked it, nor should we expect you to go beyond what you feel comfortable with in an activity that a large chunck of society thinks (whether we like it or not) is weird to say the least.

Your partner already has a good deal from you, a deal that a lot, not all, of other cd'rs would love from their own partner, it seems that if he is not careful then he will, like me, have lost what he had. Perhaps he needs to read these posts just to work out what you feel and to get a little reality check. You should be more important to him than clothes if he really does love you and you too have your needs and expectations which he should as your partner take into account.

You are indeed a very special lady, and what you want is nothing more than to feel loved and cherished, not just a dressing room attendant. I hope you both can work this out, and that your partnership can grow onto a more equal footing, good luck to you both.

Penny :love:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ericka/Rich

I really do admire your committment to the relationship Kitty. You are a very exceptional woman. Any reasonable man would be proud to be your SO. I say that from my heart.:happy: Ericka Kay

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Awe, thanks Ericka, you are a sweet as you can be. :love: Kitty

Hi Kitty: I love the letters idea. I have been selfish in my relationship with my
wife and didn't realize how much it was affecting her. I woke up and it is time your SO did the same. Maybe the problem is a little deeper than just the CDing and some 3rd party intervention might help. I value my relationship more than dressing up. I hope it works out for you from your posts you seem to be a supportive loving partner in your relationship. Tell him how you feel and realize that male anger is often a manipulitive technique Oh Oh that must be my " Dr Phil " gene talking. I wish you the very best you deserve to be loved and respected. Love Kahlan

well, as others here have said, should never HAVE to do anything *chuckles*

I know a lot of others here may disagree with this, but I think a couple of times a month are perfectly fine, or maybe as one said, a long weekend.

BUT, it should be reciprocated in some fashion, you give him this time to do his thing, and he should at least give you equal time to do your thing.

romantic night out as boy and girl, massages etc... just everyday couple stuff.

it should never be completly centered around the CDing as it will and does take over all too easily

give him a kick, let him know how much trouble you go to, to make him feel girly and special, and let him know you would like some of the same, thank you very much *grins*

I agree with Kerianna.

It sounds like you are an awesome woman and he might not be appreciating or able to appreciate what he has.

What you describe has happened to you is my worst nightmare. That I may carry this thing so far that my SO would eventually reject it after being so involved. I have tried to be as careful as possible. May this serve as a lesson to all of us and we should take heed.

Fortunately, I have been having the opposite problem lately. I have been too busy for Michelia and have been trying to be more guy for muy GG. Now she is clamoring for the girl to come back! I think Michelia has given a her a sense of power and control she never experienced before but that is quite up her alley, she just did not know it. She also says I am a totally different more sensitive and expressive lover when enfemme. She says I am gentler and take everything so much slower. Weird thing is I do not program or plan this. It just happens. But I do not feel femme all the time, especially if I do not have the time or ability to relax and enjoy.

Karren is totally right about the control one loses. I do not mind this because we are very close and enjoy the same things. I had a marriage before where I had total control of everything, so this is a nice change. But for other people, I could see it being a problem.

You see Michelia, you make a very good point. I think that if he were to stop completley I would really miss it after a while. I just really feel that he pushes and pushes and pushes me away. After I had just gotten back into engaging in the crossdressing and we had a great eve and then he right away brings up other things he wants to try. He just plain can't be happy taking it step by step. When he does this I just wish I never would have opened that door again. He thinks that I am being mean but how in the world do I get him to see that this is his thing????? I do it because I love him. When I dont' see him making the same effort for me well it makes me more than a little unwilling to give him more of it:mad: I have made a commitment to participate once a month and I have honered that. He needs to do the same or maybe he can pick up with one of the many gg's who are lined up around the block just clamering to get a piece of an uncomprimising CD. :straightface:

How much to keep him happy? That would probably vary a great deal. The question that I think is important here is what can the two of you negotiate that will be mutually satisfactory. That will take communication and compromise, I would guess. It's definitely a two-way street.

Hi Kitty,

He craves the feminine energy that you share with him by participating in the CDing. So he should understand that your feminine energy wants (& needs) some masculine input on a regular basis.

One "date" en femme per date in male mode is more than generous, IMHO. Even one date en femme per four in guy mode would be a luxury most CDs can only dream about.

I've been in a relationship with a semi-accepting GG, where at one stage she was participating once a month. I survived. :)

As I said a while ago, tell him if he doesn't pull his socks up there are plenty of well-behaved CDs waiting to flirt with you. :D

:hugs:

Robin

Kitty, you can tell your SO that he doesn't know when he's well off. As far as I remember, you'll participate with him once a month, but then he's free to do his own thing when you're out, as long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship (sexual or otherwise). I'd give my right arm (not my right leg, that's for wearing heels!) to be in that situation with my wife, and it would ensure that I could keep a balance between CDing and the rest of my life. Who knows, if he respected your conditions for a while, and made sure you enjoyed it too, he might get an extra night from time to time! I hope you've been ensuring that he's reading all these posts!

Btw, where's this queue of GGs lined up round the block clamouring to get a piece of CD action??? Not round my way, that's for sure!

Tony

Thanks everyone, you all make me proud to be a part of this forum. I expected to get honest and helpful answers and that is what I got. It really has changed my life having all of you to talk to. The one thing that is so hard in a relationship is getting to a balance where you are sharing a life but still remain an individual. I hope all of your comments will be taken to heart by my hubby. I have told him about this thread but I do not know if he has read the posts. He as yet has said nothing. I am so tired of conflict and want a life that is comfortable and I want a partner that respects and loves me the way that I love them. This is what we all deserve. Thanks everyone. :love:
Hope you all have a Merry Christmas. I will keep you posted on how things go. :hugs: Kitty

Dear kittypw,

There has been some fantastic responses. A lot of insight as you know is found within the walls of this cyber community. Yes I can feel the love :bighug:

I wasn't going to add my :2c: but I think a big issue has been left out here & I wanted to add my thoughts, I hope that's ok.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

How often should a spouse or girlfriend have to participate to keep their CD happy? How often should our CD's be the man in our lives? The flip side of the coin is just as important don't you think?

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Firstly you don't have to do anything you don't want or feel comfortable doing.

I see that you care very deeply about your husband or you wouldn't be here, which in that regard you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back.

When feelings of the heart are concerned; when one is deeply committed to another, it can be a roller coaster ride to the extreme, especially when it involves a SO GG and her CD'ing SO. I'm sure you've hear the expression 'we hurt the ones we love most'.

I get the feeling that there is a strong underlaying current of guilt within your posts. Please forgive me if I'm got the wrong impression, but, reading your post, especially your last post...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

I want a partner that respects and loves me the way that I love them.

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I get the feeling that you equate your SO's CD'ing to him not loving you or respecting you; does this not make you feel like his wife?

I'm trying to be as tactful as possible kittypw, however, the feeling I get thru your posts is your still very much angry towards your husbands CD'ing +?

I don't know how you two interact with each other at home, but, if your feeling this way, then I'm sure he's picked up on it. If that's the case then I doubt he's going to comply to looking at this forum.

It's seems to me that you like to have thing structured, and that's cool, that's you.

I can only speak for myself, but my CD'ing is anything but structured. Sometimes I don't feel the need to dress for months. Other times I'm full on for a couple of weeks and can't get the thoughts & feelings out of my head.

Let me reiterate, I can tell you love and care for your SO, I just think if you can manage to lighten up a bit and not be so black & white towards your demands then maybe he will realise your not angry at him personally.

Again communication regardless of a CD'ing SO or not is paramount to a healthy, intimate relationship.

Dealing with, confronting and working thru these guilt trips and any other negative influences will make both of you a lot happier in my opinion.

Take care of you :rose2:



hugs

x

beckii

PS I tend to dress more & more often when I'm really stressed out or life in guy mode is not going smoothly. I'm thankful that I can step out of my guy mode into my fem mode, it's definately better than throwing 1/2 a bottle of scotch down my throat & a lot more personally rewarding too.