Struggling to accept crossdressing

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Originally Posted by woc

How many of you actually told your family and friends about your CDing voluntarily instead of being discovered? Is it possible to always keep it a secret, if you know that your family would never accept it?

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I told my family after hiding for 30 years. My Mom had caught me when I was young, but she had never told anybody. She died 3 years before I decided to come out to the rest of my family. So yes, I suppose it's possible to keep it a secret for life.

I came out because I felt like I needed to tell my family. I hoped that they would all be accepting but that has not been the case. But the acceptance from those who did accept my crossdressing has been very important to my own self acceptance - does that make any sense?

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Originally Posted by CLARRISA

I was exactly the same as you at 18..It started at 12 for me too..I felt like i was the biggest Pervert walking the Gods earth, the guilt would eat me up rotten, So much so it affected my social skills development....Like others have said here...you're very fortunate to be young in these times of the Internet..there are limitless resources and help out there now.....I understand the struggle....i believed that being like this meant i was a bad person...a deviant..a sex pervert....and when people say "Accept yourself"..my brain tends to say "How can i accept, that i'm a pervert, i want people to think i'm a nice decent upstanding law abiding Man...not as a wierdo deviant"...i liken it to when Darth Vader tries to seduce Luke to the Dark Side....Anyway, for me now..the struggles over..i have accepted...not because i've accepted "BEING A PERVERT"...i've accepted it because it is part of who i am...its what makes me feel Well.....i proved it just recently....i'd stopped doing it for 5 wks..went on holiday..came home...i had a bit of a cough...i was feeling extremly lethargic...tiredness i couldn't shake...no matter how much coffee, sleep....but the second i decided to transform back to Clarissa....Wham...Energy...Motivation...Happyines s..joy.....all back in an instant i suddenly felt alive....call it hormones, endorphines whatever..all i know is i felt better...to me thats confirmation...its part of me..its in my brain chemistry...i have to do it to feel good...so forget the guilt, my reasons for doing this are Justified..trying to be "Normal" is the disease...So if you feel the need to do do it....just do it.....I know at the same time you want to still be attractive to the ladies...thats part of the juggling act...it can get a bit wearing (no pun intended) at times but you soon work your timetable..

All the best

Clarissa x

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Wow you put so many of my own thoughts in there Clarissa :hugs:

WOC everyone has a different path to travel in life ,go with your feelings and be "you" :wave2:

Like so many have already said---it is not going away.

I would suggest going to a gender therapist and trying to understand yourself. I would want to find out if I was a CD, a TS, a Tg, or whatever you feel you are. Then I would want to become comfortable with what you are--it will remain with you for the rest of your life. But it will be a lot easier to live with if you undertand it, accept it, and then learn to deal with it.

It's amazing how similar your background is to mine, and so many others who have responded...you asked two really good questions:

1. Is it possible to quit? I guess anything is possible, but the odds are against us...in my case, I was able to kick crossdressing when I got into dating girls, although the feelings and fantasies were always with me, and they came back big time when I hit the proverbial mid-life crisis.

2. Is it possible to keep it secret? Yes, it is. You have to be a born double-agent, ridiculously careful and incredibly lucky, but it can be done, but only if you're the kind of person who loves keeping a secret and isn't torn up about being dishonest with the people who love you.

As you can tell, your post elicited a lot of sympathy and support because we've all been there!

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Is it possible to always keep it a secret, if you know that your family would never accept it?

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Well in my case, I've been able to keep it a secret. I'm 29 and I started when I was 15. I've been doing it off an on over the years. For me, crossdressing isn't something I have to do, it's something I like to do. When I started I felt some shame initially, but looking back that didn't last. The way I saw it was, "screw it, if it feels good, do it!". For me, it's not a "I don't feel normal until I wear a dress" sort of thing. It's almost entirely sexual. I feel kinky when I dress up. I feel sexy when I do it, fantasize about it. Not all the time, mind you. There was a time when I couldn't try on a pair of panties without getting aroused. After a while, that thrill was gone. I'm not saying you'll grow out of it, just that in trying to make yourself get over it, you might be fueling your desire to do it. Once you accept the fact that you enjoy it, I think your feelings of shame will start to pass.

Life is too short. So you like to wear woman's clothing? So what? As far as sexual fetishes go (and I'd say most of us have them) it's pretty tame. If you're not hurting yourself, just do it!

Going back to me keeping it a secret, no, I've never been caught although there have been a few close shaves. I don't do it very often as I don't have access to the clothing. (Frankly, it can be a pretty expensive fetish to have!). Ive kept it a secret because, honestly, it's no body's business. My parents don't need to know, so why tell them?

One last thing. You should ask yourself two questions, and be honest with yourself. I think asking yourself these questions will help you understand just why you crossdress in the first place.

1. Why do I like to crossdress?

2. Do I want to be a woman?

I knew very early on that I didn't want to be a woman. I do fantasize about being a woman, but I don't feel like I was born the wrong sex (although, if it were possible, I'd love to live as a woman for a week, just to see what it's like).

Hi WOC,
You have been offered so much useful information by others in this website and I agree with so much of it. I am a 58 year old late bloomer with this gift. You are very young and exploring different directions and how you fit in with that. Two things that I have learned and will say is that no matter who we are, how we look, behave, and dress, there will always be a few detractors out there. With that in mind and guided by what feels right in your conscience live your life the way you truly want to live it. Yes we should be law abiding citizens but beyond that there are few restrictions. The second thought is that usually our worst fear is fear itself. We tend to worry about the ramifications of how others react about us when in reality there is either no reaction expressed or there is support given. This fashion preference does not make us cause violence or destruction or create fear outside of us. It is only the narrow minded, red necked, bigoted, and intolerant people who might react in a negative way towards us but what goes around comes around. For their behaviour they surely must live pretty miserable lives. I don't feel that way at all and I sense much love and joy by the confident comments expressed by many people who are in this web community. Enjoy the ride. Cheers! :) Chris

Most of us here have gone through some degree of guilt in crossdressing. My time is long past,but peer pressure tells you it's wrong when your young. Older texts on cd'ing puts the cd'er in many different catagories. Forty years ago you were automaticly gay when in fact most of us here are not. What do these people know unless they have experienced this themselves. This usually means they are still doing it. Once we start crossdressing 99% of us do it for life with maybe a break for a few years as we try to find ourselves. You have to find yourself. We can't do that for you but maybe we can help in your questions along the way. Good luck

To "cut to the chase"......

For most, there is a certain amount of self doubt and even self loathing when first discovering that you love wearing female clothes.

Once one comes to grips with the fact that there is nothing seriously wrong with it and acceping that this feeling will probably always be with you, can you really begin to accept it an enjoy it guilt free.

When at a relatively young age, it is normal to wonder how it will effect you future life etc.
As everyone's situation is somewhat different, all one can say is take it one step at a time and don't do anything drastic without thouroughly thinking about it.

Being 18
It can be a tough dream
Soon an adult
Quite easier
By a lot

And since you accept
Who you really are
That's what's important
Really, by far.

Down the road
Twists and turns will arise
For unseen events
In your life will abide.

I was a transvestite,
Now I cross dress
although it's the same
It sounds better
I guess?

Though labels they be
Can you not see
It is still me

That's

A

Reality!

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Originally Posted by woc

Is it possible to always keep it a secret, if you know that your family would never accept it?

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I did not talk about it with anyone ever from 12 to 36.

No one.

Ever.

I told my wife recently after keeping it a secret through 8 years of marriage.

I can't think of anyone who I wished I had told in the past. Maybe if I had come out and made different friends...

I don't think I'm going to talk to my mom about it -- she is way too passive aggressive and will make me feel horrible about it. I think it is likely to be something just between my wife and me.

Since it seems the popular thing to answer in your post, no, I was never "discovered" because someone found my things or came upon me minding my own business in a blouse.

But, I did/do make noises all the time about having my own mind and being willing to talk, talk, talk about things. I comment on the news, books I read, what the neighbor said about something, etc.

People know me by my words and actions - and people aren't dumb. They figure things out. If you talk about something, they figure you have a reason for doing so... Even "academic" discussions are about topics picked for a reason.

My father died before I got around to sharing this part of my business with him. But, knew my Dad well and he would have kept a respectful distance from my affairs - because he rarely offered more than an opinion about what I did. His job was to keep me safe - get me out the door in the morning and collect me at night... My life was mine to live - his major concern was that I keep living - how was usually up to me.

My mother and I discussed this late in her life. She too, was pretty good about leaving her children to use their minds and live their own lives. When she heard about it, she was fascinated by it. It was never a problem for us and I think she admired me having a life of my own - and having so many friends, a good job, a nice home, etc. It was more, "Really? Is that right? And, it's fun? Tell me more." As I have noted before, I think by then she was "old" but happy that someone else was "getting out there."

As to my siblings... Well, they didn't want to know what they didn't have to know. It wasn't something of interest to them and they'd rather spend time talking about, and working on, a room addition than get into my personal life. I told them, years in advance by talking about things of interest to me, what kind of person I was like, what my views were about particular things...

So, when we got around to talking about it, their response was like my neighbors, "Yeah, well it's a big world. Good for you. What else is going on with you? Going to buy that SUV you were talking about last week?"

There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. The right way to share information about yourself is to share it, not hide it. How, when, where, why, and with who you share things is up to you. Be kind - find a way to tell people as you go along instead of putting you all in bad spot later when "it" comes as a big sudden surprise that you have no control over.

you Started at age 12, and now you are 18, that's just 6 years, it took me twice that long just to find out what I did had a name! Of course you have doubts, they have been given to you from birth. Stop worrying about names, take the word Transvestite, break it down, Trans (to cross) Vest(and article of clothing) Thats the best I could find in 1964 in an old Dictionary, words like transvestite where not even in it. So I had no idea anyone thought about the "Fetish" part. It was just about the clothes, and I still felt bad about doing it. by my late twenty's I started to realize it is just who I am, and the need, and desire to cross dress was not going to go away. So I told my wife, who was very understanding, and she helped me lose the guilt, and I learned not only how to dress better, and do makeup, but most important, I learned to stop worrying about why, and started to really enjoy it. Now at 65 I have more female clothes than male, and I dress when I please. and with all of that I still am not out, and neither my parents, or my children know about my "hobby", kind of a need to know type thing, they don't need to know, and I don't feel a need to tell, you can share it with the ones you think you want to know and keep it from the ones you don't, neither makes you a bad person. I never felt like I had to discuss what goes on in my bedroom either, a person is entitled to a certain amount of privacy after all.
Tina

Woc, several others answered your first questions much better than I ever could. What you describe is a road that all of us have been down at one point or another. One thing I don't find in the answers is the fact that there is no one answer that covers everybody. Crossdressing isn't an on/off switch; it's a wide range of behaviors that can run the gamut from just wanting to wear nylon underwear to wanting to go all the way and present as, and be treated as, a woman in all things 24 hours a day. Like most of us, you're probably somewhere in the middle but only your own journey of self-discovery will reveal what is and isn't important to make you fulfilled.

As for telling family... when I was your age, I didn't have the Internet or any other close at hand resources to tell me what I was, so I kept it to myself and remained very confused for many years. I didn't buy anything so there was no evidence for my parents to discover, and the few times I wore something of my mother's I put it back where I found it right away.

To this day, the only people who know are the people who share a house with me - my wife and children. You're still a long ways off from that, but at some point you're going to have to make the decision whether to tell the person who is going to share your entire life. I am fortunate in that I don't feel the need to actually go out in public looking like a woman. Just underdressing so I have something soft next to my skin, or wearing my dresses at home, is enough for me. So I don't have the constant struggle of trying to go out in public and not be recognized. And because I told my wife before we got married (so she would be able to call it off if she couldn't live with it), there is no grief from trying to hide it all the time.

The other thing I always want to stress to newcomers is, THERE IS NO NEXT STEP. So often what I see on here is "Now you're ready for the next step, blah de blah de blah..." which may include adding makeup to your inventory, going out to gay clubs, going out to straight clubs, flirting with guys... I tell you, not one of those activities is for me and it doesn't have to be for you either. If you find comfort at a certain level, you are under no obligation to go beyond that level unless you yourself find you need more. Who knows, it could turn out that all you need to be happy is the soft caress of satin under your regular clothes -- you'll be in some stuffy board meeting with a bunch of executives in suits, snickering to yourself that they have no idea what's lurking under your Armani (although chances are there are a few others in the room thinking the same thing). So don't let anyone else tell you what to think, feel, or do.

Good luck on your journey. I totally agree with the others that just having someone to talk to about it makes all the difference in the world!

I started dressing when I was 7 or so (sister's clothes). I dressed on and off, purged, etc.

I am now 38.

One thing I've realized is that there is nothing wrong with me. I have no desire to hurt anyone.

We live in a society that has a fundamental problem with nature and with women.

The image of the suburban nuclear family is touted as being "normal."

There is no such thing as normal. Nature is a weird, wonderful, hugely diverse experience.

Do whatever you think is best for you but remember that A) there is nothing wrong with you and that B) society's rules and definitions are artificial constructs. It is not easy being TG but the last thing we need to do is hate ourselves for simply being.

You have an advantage in that you are young and have access to the internet. My advice to you at this young age is you can live anywhere you want, you have your whole life before you, so why not choose somewhere that is more amenable to CD? Also, to repress is never healthy...this is not a disease like alcoholism, it's not a crime to be ashamed of, and although we can't fully explain the why of it, the fact is, it IS, so the sooner you accept and embrace it, the better off you'll be. Also, there are SOs that are accepting and some who even prefer it, so be honest and up front with anyone you might get into a relationship with...maybe not on the first date, but definitely when you see the relationship heading somewhere. If someone can't accept you as a CD, they aren't for you...it's part of who you are. Keep coming here and posting how you feel and what you go through, it's important to express yourself and there are plenty of others going through the same thing. It's not to be viewed as a shameful thing, but part of YOU. I am engaged to a CD and have known about it for about a month...the main thing for me was to learn and have my questions answered...he is still the same wonderful person I fell in love with, and I love him no matter who he is...Jim or KatelynMae.

Thanks so much for the replies and different perspectives you all contributed! I feel a lot less confused now and more confident of being honest with CDing self :)

At eighteen years of age, you are still forming your persona.

I think that the only advice anyone can give you is this: If you have been feeling urges to crossdress since you were 12, you can bet that those urges will not go away. Ever. You need to come to terms with yourself. Like everyone else in the world, you are unique, and you shouldn't worry about fitting into anyone else's compartmentalized vision of what you ought to be like.

You're going to evolve as a person from now until the day you die. Accept yourself, and be comfortable inside your skin, no matter how that evolution proceeds. There is nothing wrong with crossdressing. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual if it turns out you are drawn that way.

Be a good person, and in the future you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror with a clear conscience, irrespective of whether you are wearing a beard or some of Elizabeth Arden's best.

Finally, something which I wish someone had told me years ago. No matter how hard you try to follow all of the good advice you're getting from the posters here, every once in a while a non-understanding society will make you feel self-revulsion. When that happens, resist the urge to purge. I could probably buy a really great Sony 60" high-def if I had all the money I've wasted by throwing out my clothes when depression and self-loathing have hit me hard.

So many great threads here. If you knew from a very young age that you wanted to dress like the opposite sex I think you were lucky.
I believe the desire to cross dress has been suppressed in my conscious from a very young age but did not really become aware of it until I was in my thirties. Still I did nothing about this. As years have gone by the tug to feminize myself has become stronger and stronger. I wish it was this strong when I was thirty. At 62 I have lots of reservation about cross dressing. If I can do it and look good I would do it. I just don't want to come off looking like an old drag queen. LOL :heehee:

Hi hon and welcome to the forum.

You will be fighting it all your life and it will get harder still - promise.

I don't know what you want from your life but if its children you have to seriously think about what you are going to do.

I seem to be muddling through but you have a chance.

We're only here once so go out there and enjoy yourself, dressed.

I promise its what its all about,

Hugs

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Originally Posted by woc

I have been cross dressing since 12 and I am only 18 now. When I first started, I felt a kind a perverse thrill, and yet there was this guiltiness and disgust tugging on my conscience, begging myself to stop what I was doing because I was ultimately male and what I was doing would be a terrible shock to my sisters and mother should they ever find out. However, as the years passed, I find myself more and more compelled to crossdress, and desensitized towards how my family would feel if they knew what I was doing.

A lot of you have already settled in your identity as a cross dresser, especially the older adults, however I am still struggling with this “identity”/”condition”. I never really put a name to my “identity”/”condition” until I did a thorough web search a few months back. At first, what I dug up was “transvestic fetishism”, which totally scared me because I never thought of myself as a transvestite and in fact, feel a certain degree of distaste towards transvestites. Most of my searches turned up medical reports and research papers, which viewed cross dressing from a rather detached and objective viewpoint, emphasising that it was a sexual disorder that had no cure. I didn’t want that sort of perspective, I needed personal anecdotes from actual crossdressers, I needed some form of compassion and empathy, and most of all I needed advice. When I discovered Dixie’s website, I felt like I had uncovered a windfall of information that was actually useful, I realised that there were actually people out there who had to same “identity”/”condition” whom I could talk to.

I was wondering if any of you could share your own experiences of struggling with deal with your cross dressing compulsion when you were younger. I know many think that cross dressing is an identity however, at this age, I am not prepared to accept that I will be cross dressing my entire life and would like to fight against it. Could any of you give me anecdotes and advice?
Thank you.

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I too went through the guilt and shame, still do. Started at 11 and even then I couldn't figure what made me try panties that first time. It isn't as if I sat in school planning it but it happened. It was always an excitement followed by a bad feeling . Yet, Istill found myself doing it again and again. When I decided to start wearing the panties to school a new feeling emerged. Fear. Actually fear was always there because I knew if Mom found out , there would be trouble. But in school it was fear that the guys would know and I'd get beat up. Eventually I did get busted which was not long ago. Now my Mom does not speak much to me . Crossdressing has caused me so much hurt yet I cannot turn away. I wish I could say this is a phase but it isn't and foreverone it is different, some times the guilt subsides and some times it don't.

Younger? When was that?

Frankly, I did not deal with my dressing when I was a kid. It dealt with me. I dressed every chance I had and always felt very guilty and ashamed about it. If I had time alone at home, I dressed in as many outfits as I could find in Mom's closet so that I never really had any alone time to myself since I always felt compelled to hide out in a dress. Those were unhealthy times. I am glad that I am not that way now although I wish I had gotten smarter a lot sooner.