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I agree 100%...there must have been something to set her off (maybe a boundary that she set, but did not alert you to because she never thought you would cross it). With so much put into this relationship, you certainly owe it to yourselves to try and work it out as best you can.Quote:
Originally Posted by Christine Rugby
I wish you all of the luck I can throw your way!
I'm sorry for the betrayal your wife has done to you. You expressed great trust in telling her in the first place. In my opinion the way she is behaving has negated any reason to attempt a line of dialog. If she was interested in talking, that's what she would have done. She's coming from a what she percievs as a source of strength, but a strong person has no need to deliver demands upon another person.I would say that you have some tough decisions ahead of you, been then that's just my :2c:.
Oh Wendy, this is a major set back to your relationship indeed. Firstly there must have been a trigger and you probably need to think about that. Secondly, you say she seems to have been empowered. I suspect that she might have told one of her girl friends or she might have attended a meeting or support group of some sort. I know that group meetings can often side with the percieved victim. They would see her as the victim because she was st the meeting. If you had been the one attending a support group you would have got the support / symathy as they would see you as the victim. Did you push the bondaries at home by maybe commenting on things such as saying I love your lipstick, I have one like it for example. I know I did that a few times and I could see that she was not impressed. She was having make up trouble so I got some of mine and said "try this its a better colour". Hang in there girlfriend. Hugs Amanda
Prepare for the worst. She can do anything. She's dehumanized you and humiliated you and destroyed your property. Is this a marriage worth saving?Quote:
Originally Posted by wendy68
I suspect she's had some bucking up from friends, her lawyer (that's right) or her therapist.
Another girl on the board got an ultimatum from her wife, she complied, and then wife initiated a divorce anyway.
Sorry to have to say this, just my opinion based on what I've heard.
Good Luck,
Diane
i am so sorry she did that. normaly i would say gather all her stuff up and dispose of it to. but this would be counter- productive. about the only way i can think of to handle this would be to sit her down and hash things out. honestly, she had no right to touch your stuff. technicly thats theft. make this fact very clear. but don't start screaming right off the hop. again thats not productive. if she really does love you like she claims this shouldn't have happened in the first place. plus she has no real right to tell you what you can and can't do in regaurds to you going to the meetings. your meetings sound like a matter of personal well being. sorry for the ramble'n on and on, i'm kind'a in shock that someone could do this to a claimed love one. on a personal note, and this is just my opion, going from your post, you owe her nothing and she owes you mega big time.
This sounds exactly like something my ex-wife would have done, and saying she did it so your son would not find out was just an excuse.
One of my ex's favorite expressions was "I did it because".
hun I am SOOOO sorry to hear that! its terrible and I hope you can work things out with her.
Hi Wendy....sorry to hear about your home situation. It almost sounds to me like she's having a knee-jerk reaction, possibly after talking to someone about your CDing activity. Even if this was the case, she still had no right to toss your personal items out like she did. I really hope things turn out for you and your SO. Relationships can be trying at times, but at least be comforted in knowing we're here for you. :)
However, I won't GLOSS OVER your SURPRISED and CONFUSED REACTION to what she did EITHER!:sad:
It sounds to me, like your marriage has SOME SERIOUS ISSUES u must resolve, if u 2 wish to keep it going!:doh:
Hi Wendy, That's a bad deal. I'm sorry and I send you all my sympathies,hun. But at least you have all of us here at crsdrsrs to talk to. Once again,I'm really sorry.
:hugs: :thumbsup: :love:
I always hate reading these type threads. You said that you told your wife about your cross dressing 2 years ago. I believe that in another thread you said that you have been married for 14 years. So one would surmise that you kept this a secret for 12 years, and your wife never had the freedom to choose if she in fact wanted to have a relationship and children with someone who cross dresses. She sounds like she at least was willing to try accepting it.. for at least 2 years, but maybe in the end she decided that it is something that she just can't abide by. Now she has tossed all of your "girly" belongings and you and a host of others it seems, are all indignant. IMHO you got exactly what you deserved. She may have had no right to dump your stuff,but you had no right to take away her freedom of choice in the beginning. No matter what your excuses are for hiding the fact..it was still a shitty thing to do. If cross dressing is something that you cannot live without, and something that she can't live with maybe it's time to call it a day. Had you been honest in the beginning,maybe you wouldn't find yourself in this position. Keeping secrets and lies always seem to come back and bite people in the ass, and it always astonishes me when they are surprised by an SO's reaction when they discover the truth.
I guess that the bottom line here is that although there is nothing wrong with cross dressing, and you have the absolute right to do it. There is also nothing wrong with not being able to accept it. You screwed up from the get-go and you need to own it.
I can't offer a solution for your situation,but hopefully others will read about your woes and take a good hard look in the mirror before traveling down the same road as you did.
That being said. I truly hope that you you and your wife can come to some kind of mutual understanding,at least for the sake of your innocent children.
Thank you all so much. Ive been reading all of your responses and its helped a great deal. I even spoke by email to a member of my support group which also helped alot. I really have no idea whats going to happen to my marriage. At this point everyone else is asleep and tommarrow is a new day. I wish I could be opimistic but I dont have high hopes. I tried to give her written information ages ago to try to see if it helped her understand me better but it had little effect. God I dont know if I could go back to repressing myself I had too many breakdowns to remember. I guess only time will tell
Best of luck to you as you try to figure it out. Be careful for a while, she did something very daring and will be pretty pumped up and very defensive when you are ready to talk about it. Her reactions may be greater than you would normally expect, so take it slow and try to keep it a discussion instead of allowing it to become a shouting match. That much heat could burn the place down. Keep it cool if you can.
This is almost exactly what I was thinking as well. It sounds like she has some control and abuse issues. I hope that you can get by this, it would be a real problem for me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamara Croft
Children are more concerned with playing at that age to notice what possessions happen to be laying around, besides, even if a child did discover the clothes and asked questions, they are pretty adaptable...moreso than adults as it seems.
I would let her know that this was a huge violation and showed utter disregard for you, that you're a grown man that needs no "permission" poarticularly to be who you are. I would strongly urge marriage counseling. The issue isn't even CDing, it's the contempt with which you were treated. I am so sorry you're going through this, I can't even imagine how violated you must feel. I personally wouldn't want to live in such a controlled environment and would have to question if this is a marriage worth trying to save...in the end, how good can it be to live with someone so disrespectful? She could have put the clothes in a locked trunk if she was that concerned about your child discovering them. I realize I'm highly principled and most wouldn't agree, but I'd even consider the idea of a civil lawsuit for her to replace my belongings...right's right and wrong's wrong and she had no right, just because she is your wife, to throw away your belongings without even so much as a discussion...and that goes regardless of when she found out. There are all kinds of reasons why a CDer has a hard time coming out to their SO, it's always best to be honest from the beginning, but GGs should try and get behind the CDer's eyes and understand what all they go through and how difficult it is for some to "tell". Isn't that what loving partners do, talk to each other and listen with their hearts? Good luck, whatever you decide you can live with.
All I can say is wow and how sad.
I think there is more than just cross dressing going on here. That was not a nice thing to do and even if she had issues with CDing she could have just set some ground rules for you, not throw out all your stuff. I'm lucky, my SO is not shy to say cool it with the cross dressing, I need a break and I comply with her request out of respect for her and us as a whole.
Good luck with this, it doesn't sound like it is going in the right direction but hopefully you can work out something that both of you can live with.
ADIÓS BABY!
If it were my life, I think that I would consider this as a "deal breaker." You have to talk with her, you have to try. But, if it gets worse; I would also be making contingency plans on what I would need to do, and when.
I don't think you will be able to live with The Ultimatums! At this point, I would be thinking about minimizing The Damage!
Peace and Love, Joanie
Next time she is out find everything that's guy looking slacks jeans paints etc and go take them to the dump too.
see how she likes it.
I don't have any advice on the realations ship but i fee your pain of losing everything. I won't go into details but basicly i felt i needed to remove everything from my place and asked a female friend to hold on to my things. About 3 weeks later when i went to retrieve my stuff i was told that "other" people had ransacked everything and i only got back a couple of items from a fairly large collection of clothes, jewelry, make up, wigs, the works. Basicly "wendy" as i knew her had been stolen. I was crushed at the time but now a year later i've nearly forgotten about the missing stuff and just enjoy the "new wendy" thats risen from the ashes of the old with a total remake
Great idea! heck with her,and the kid(s) Go ahead and live your life like you want to. Never mind the fact that you hid this from her... you had your reasons. :battingeyelashes:Quote:
Originally Posted by sterling12
Anyone remember debate class?
Given, you should have been up front years ago
Given, what your wife did was childish and unnecessary
Given, you should not have lied
Given, revenge won't help the situation (see childish and unnecessary above)
Given, you love your children (your wife right now not so much but we will leave some room for forgiveness later IF you both can agree) and you don't want to lose them (which we assume was the reason your wife did what she did...to save the children which may now end up in a broken home with two bitter parents, but that is next weeks debate).
We all agree on those givens?
Now what can be done to correct the problem?
Probably nothing. Some women cannot accept their husband's cross-dressing at any level.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorileah
Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...Quote:
Originally Posted by kellycan27
However, for most CD/TS here, things tend to be harder. I think if you didn't have this perfect life you would probably empathize more with some of our sisters who have had to go thru hell at times.
NOW to address what Lorileah said -
She is think thinking analytically, one must find a solution...
OK, So this is a good excuse to start building a new wardrobe. Sadly, you probably aren't going to get back your old stuff but things happen. What can be said?
Next, we have all had people in our lives who want to control us. You cannot let them. Once you start taking orders from someone who is not signing your paycheck, you have given up part of the rights you hold as an adult. Asking "Mother may I?" is not an option. Plus, a control freak always wants to control more. Your CD'ing today, what tomorrow?
Ladies, you simply MUST learn to stand up for yourselves. There will always be something trying to stand in the way of you living your life. Some of us don't pass well, and pretty much all of us have someone who will not approve of our CD'ing.
On the good side - though our spouses do go thru times like this, they normally come around.
Well damn. Wendy, I'm really sorry that your wife pulled this chicken-shit stunt. It was a low blow, and using your son as an excuse doesn't make it any better. That said, I do agree with Kelly. Keeping a secret like 'ours' from your SO is a bad idea. I know many of you will disagree but I'm sorry; any relationship based on a lie of omission starts off in the hole. I believed that my wife deserved to know that I was a crossdresser before we married and I still believe that today. If such an admission results in the end of the relationship then, well, it's better then than years later after both of you have so much invested in the partnership. If a SO can't accept a part of you that means so much, then she is not a good match and it's time to move on. Now, you have much more at stake and yes, a son that you will always share no matter how this turns out.
I would not live with a woman (or a man) who did what your wife did. I don't think she loves you Wendy. My definition of love doesn't include actions like hers. But, she did deserve to know who she was marrying 14 years ago. When she found out a couple years ago, she couldn't handle the truth. Please don't think I'm flaming you for deceiving her. Everyone thinks they have good reasons for keeping the secret, both at the start and as time goes on. But surely, everyone can see the sad result that often accompanies the revelation when it happens. I guess I hope you can work it out with her. I don't know that I'd want to but none of us are in your pumps hon. I wish you the best resolution you can make. Keep us in touch, Olivia.