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You misssed my point. I said she could FEEL violated if she wanted to. It's her feelings. I don't believe ANYONE has a right to dictate how another should feel. Just because it may not make sense is no reason to discount how people feel. Remeber, perception is reality. After reflection, her attitude may change.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamara Croft
If you use that logic, then SOs should not be upset. It's just clothes.
Wow! What an amazing little adventure (not quite the right word, but you get the idea).
I'd feel violated only to the extent that there was a vastly asymetrical level of disclosure -- you gave her a 10 year tape recording of your deepest thoughts and fantasies, and she's told you what she feels like telling you for now.
One good thing to come out is that this is a good character test for the both of you -- both of your issues with trust and violation are being tested to the max right now, before there are kids in the picture :).
When I post online I try to ensure that what I write won't embarass me or hurt others. I gave my wife my ID here when I first joined, and I have no idea if she's read my postings, but I don't have anything to hide from her.
Good Luck. If you survive this test, I would think it's a good omen.
-- Diane
I've been rereading the responses and the one thing that comes through to me loud and clear is that we are all very impressed with both you and her! To be working through all this very personal material so soon in a relationship, and working it through at such a mature level is inspirational, truly. The fact that you've hit a bit of a bump in the road is, frankly, to be expected, especially at this intense speed.
Personal space in a relationship is probably the most difficult set of agreements that two people make, and usually it's done experientially, not verbally. Each person has different expectations and tolerance levels, much of it born on the back of a lifetime of experiences. Is it any wonder that this needs talking and constant work? It's come to a head just now, but we all hope you can both keep going through this to an even more successful and fulfilling relationship.
tina
It is unfortunate the troubles you are now in, however you put it all on the line. A woman by nature is very curious. You told her the sites and your online name, you had to expect that she would go looking. Unfortunately she did it with a vengence. If you have feelings for her then you will have to work it out together. It is still better now than later on in the relationship.
The reallity of today's world is that if you have posted something somewhere, it may turn up in places that you never expected. Many UTUBE and Facebook users are learning this the hard way.
Thought some of you might be interested in an update.
We spent last night together and it was hard to talk through some of this but when we parted this morning we both felt infinitely better.
We decided to look through my posts here and some of the other stuff on the Internet together; this weekend when we'll have the time to sit down and go over what she saw, how she felt, etc. I'm actually looking forward to it because I know it will go a long way towards putting this behind and and moving forward again.
We both agree that although we have more work to do around all this, that we were both optimistic about getting through it. I think we both can see coming out the other side... And I think that's largely based on having worked through some touchy areas in the past, and always ending up closer because of it.
She also said she wants to read posts on the SO board here and may want to post as well. Of course, I'd be fine with that, so we'll probably read through some of those threads together and then she can do/post what she wants and I've already told her she doesn't need to tell me if she decides to do so. She may post anonymously rather than as my girlfriend.
I really do appreciate the feedback I received and it helped greatly to fully express myself before she and I got together. I made (and will continue to make) a very conscious effort to stow my hurt feelings and any sense of violation, which has for the most part largely passed anyway.
And for anyone that thought I was sharing things that were too personal about myself, us and her... She said she was completely fine with everything I have shared and is happy it is helping me help us.
Well done Jenny, good to hear everything is being worked out.
Thanks so much for the update, Jenny. I'm glad to hear that last conversation went well and your seem to be moving forward together.
Sometimes the great thing about joining a discussion late is that there's the possibility that a problem has been resolved by the time you get there. I'm glad to hear that the two of you are working thinkgs out.
Wendy
Yes but did you actually tell her the part that was removed that you shared? Because, as it reads now, she has no way of knowing what you did share, which imho was too personal to share with the whole forum.Quote:
Originally Posted by MalibuJenny
Yes, Tamara, I specifically told her what I wrote (and what you had deleted) and she was fine about it, just as I knew she would be.
So if she's ok with you posting about her sex life here, why are you so pissed at her looking you up online? If you can post intimate details about her here, but then feel violated because she's looked at other stuff you've written, don't you think that's a bit pot/kettle/black? She's willing to share everything, but you're not?
I'm no longer 'pissed' or feel violated, as I posted previously.
And besides a big difference is I told her about what I posted which is how I came to reveal my screenname in the first place, then told her I was going to post this long thread. I later shared more detail about I wrote here and this weekend (if not before) when we have more time we will sit down together and read the whole thread, including the part you deleted.
She loved my first thread that referenced her -- the one where I talked about our sex life. I knew she would, which is why I shared it with her in the first place.
My original issue was that she went searching instead of talking to me about it. But I'm over that now.
I hope you two can work through all of that! It sounds as though you've been very honest and upfront with her from the get-go, so that's a very good sign! Just keep up the honesty and you two will probably become even closer!
Just follow the golden rule, if you wouldn't show her what you write, then it probably shouldn't be written. The stuff you wrote in the past probably should have been left alone, if I saw my wife had "active" profiles I'd be concerned to. No reason to hide your past from her, if you've been honest.
I had honestly forgotten those old profiles were out there... Ah, the miracle of Google!
Once she and I look at them together, I will completely remove them. Should have done that a long time ago but didn't even think of it.
They were only 'active' in the sense I never had deleted them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MalibuJenny
True, but I mean they appeared active because you changed your orientation on them.... I'm sure going over them as a couple will definitely help to alleviate her fears. :)