As Jonianne brought out women have natural familial feelings and inclinations. It's nice to get to that point and enjoy and express those feelings ourselves without having to feel ashamed.:)
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As Jonianne brought out women have natural familial feelings and inclinations. It's nice to get to that point and enjoy and express those feelings ourselves without having to feel ashamed.:)
Earlier in this thread, Christina mentioned 'trying to be something I just am not' and that is very much my experience. I was raised as a boy, tried for years to be a man, but it's a constant effort, trying to be something I am not. So when I dress as Ruth, the pressure is off, I am who I am.
I could go into more details but that's the basic feeling.
Most of the time I just feel I'm being myself, but very occasionally I feel what I'm doing is still wrong. I don't know why I feel it's wrong, I guess something I see or maybe think about just triggers that feeling.
Most of the time now I just try to be myself, after all, whatever I'm doing regardless of what I'm wearing, I'm just being me :)
Denise, it's hard to define, isn't it?
People have posted that dressing makes them feel wonderful or normal .. the perfume, the grace and beauty of the clothes, or it makes them feel pretty or it is a great stress reliever. And some like my SO feel it is impossible to define and just accept it for what it is. It is also easy to confuse the questions, "why" do you feel this way vs. "how" does it make you feel, or "what" does it bring into your life.
But isn't the bottom line seeking to feel like a woman, and this, combined with a male's love of a woman's tenderness or female beauty elevates the pursuit of the ideal beyond other activities?
How does it make you feel? :)
I have just spent the day as Kaz travelling (slowly) from working away to home. Left the apartment as Kaz, in the car, then walkabout.
I then got out of make-up, changed back to male-me, picked up an Indian take-out and got home to my SO.
Changing back was so hard... it felt so good and right... as Marla has said... the perfume, the feel of tights, illusion of breasts, being able to walk how it feels you should in a skirt and girls' shoes... just fabulous!
But now I am in my Levi 501s, teeshirt and shirt, looking very male, and my beard (only shaved at 12 mid-day) can already be felt when I touch my face... but it is good to be him too!
I think I need both sides.. though I would love to do Kaz for a full on 2 weeks or so to see where it went?
K xx
[SIZE="3"]One of the wonderful things about getting older, is that you just don't question everything so much. Most of the battles have been decided, you are what you are going to be, and the world no longer revolves around you.
It's sort of like giving up to the inevitable. Why fight it any longer. It's time to enjoy what you are and relax. Life is good and no one cares about you anyway because you are too old to matter! LOL Yeah, right, if the kids only knew. They'll just have to learn the hard way!
I'm happy with Lynn, and I'm happy with her roomate who wears those good looking cowboy boots. Lynn loves the sensual way her clothes feel on her body, and the elegant '50s look. That guy just likes to look good and be comfortable. He's just so practical it's almost boring. He's very predictable. The two of us get along fine. Neither is vying for more attention, we each live full lives and are very happy with ourselves. Bout time!!!!!![/SIZE]
[SIZE="3"]Hey this is Lynn's roomate. Ya know she's off in LaLa land about everything. I'm not as happy as she seems to think. My main gripe is that her wardrobe is expanding at a rapid rate and eating up all the closet space in my hobby room. Not only that, but she's always leaving stockings drying on the towel racks. So just keep in mind life here is not idylic even though she manages to paint a pretty good picture to the contrary.[/SIZE]
i can say that i am always a little nervous when my wife sees me in a new outfit ive made. Cant really explain why, i know shes fine with my girl needs, but i still find myself with anxiety to a small extent. it usually melts away when she says something like "cute hunny" or "can i wear this sometime"
As far as stress relief goes. The act of dressing relaxes me, for those first initial minutes of being dressed put me in a comfort zone that melts away my daily worries. In the periods of my life that i have denied i am a fetish transvestite at heart, i was angry, short tempered, overly aggressive and self hating.
When i finally came to terms with myself and stepped across the line of denial, a light came on; My unhappiness was self induced. My wife had always supported me either way i chose to go, yet i pressured myself into believing that i was "just going thru a phase" or "Don your sick, you need help".
I accepted me for who i am, all these emotional weights were lifted
Over the years of dressing in front of my wife and our sexual explorations together, we have reached a comfort level that is still continuing to grow. We have learned to read each other without asking what either of us needs at that moment. There have been nights when i was dressed and later changed because i could see she needed her husbands strength to ease her. Then there have been days when she saw i needed her to be aggressive and submit me sexually. We reached this point by communicating with each other, no matter how difficult the topic was.
Wow that was a little long winded, the more i typed, the more i felt i had to say
Thanks for listening
Hugs and kisses
-Donni-
Denise, finally a question that is really important! I have always had my doubts about anyone thinking they knew why, even professionals. But how you feel, that's something most of us know even if it's hard to find the words, and really much more important.
Like so many have already said, it's a sense of calm that takes over, a sense of fulfillment. some how, when dressed I seem to find my happy place, like nothing else I do in life. It's not about sex, or even being a woman, I'm not, and never will be. But it is about filling an inter need that if not filled leaves me feeling empty, but yet filled with a pressure that makes living the rest of my life much harder than it should be.
I really do believe that it's not about how I feel if I cross dress, but more about how I feel if I don't.
Tina B.
I'm a Klinefelter's baby. Born with an extra chromosome; not sure whether it's an extra 'X', or if the 'Y' is the extra.
For me, dressing just feels "right". I don't know how else to describe it, and when I think about it too much, I end up questioning just where on the transgender scale I am ... so I try not to think about it too much :)
Well, it is very hard to describe. I guess I would just say that I feel like "me". When I dress I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and I no longer have to act like I am supposed to. Do not take me wrong, I can freely express my emotions as a guy, but deep down inside I feel like I am only "acting" as a guy, and I am not really one.
Yes, JonniAnne for almost fifty years for me, just change the location.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonianne
Very interesting thread Denise. Society and cultural fences can be hard to climb and very hard to balance. Let alone feel in sync with all that is around us. But I do think it is attainable...To feel as if the world I have been raised in had let me be who I am... with no steering the path towards the guidelines that have evolved over thousands of years. Society's rules, bias's, and laws that keep a person from leading a natural upbringing, free to choose their way. My Great Grandmother was of the Shawnee, and her people believed "two spirited people" were to be respected. To reach that road where I walk in harmony with all that is...to be myself and to react naturally with the inner spirit that is me. That is the road that I am trying to find... We are all related.
Inner calm and peace. Seems normal. So normal. Problem is the need to dress is increasing. Just turned 54 and the desire to dress is sometimes overpowering. Don't know how to control or if I should try.
[SIZE="2"]It’s all about feelings that are in place from birth, then modified, cultivated, or verified by exposure to the real world. I say this all the time – I came to crossdress because I am effeminate by nature. Anything else would constitute self-betrayal, a turning away from my innate sensibilities. You’re exactly right when you say that we, as males, are forbidden to have these “wrong” feelings. I think it is inevitable that certain males would seek to escape their masculinity, or at least the male-ness they are expected to display, like a drab coat without any beauty in it. We can dress to transport ourselves to a another world, more in touch with how we want to be, simply because that is how we are – even though this is expressly forbidden, how can it be wrong? :thinking:[/SIZE]Quote:
Originally Posted by Denise Rhodes
If I understood the why, I would be rich.
So many wondeful and truthful answers. It is enjoyable to live in both worlds, male and female. I enjoy my male side, but also enjoy my female side. When in Fenale mode I have very sensual feelings unlike my male side. It is like their is two persons living in the same body.:hugs:
It seems there are many expectations fulfilling either role. The real skill is to be able to fulfill those expectations with ease in either mode. When it becomes a joy rather than a chore, we have reached balance.:)
QUOTE=Denise Rhodes;2141492]Sometimes I think it is hard to convey to others, especially SO's how we really feel when we dress up. Many times I think they do not take us seriously or think it's some kind of kinky fetish and play along, as long as we don't do anything to threaten the relationship.)[/QUOTE]
Not meaning to digress from the main topic, but I felt compelled to comment on this part of your post. I interpret SOs as starting from the base perspective of interpreting the time devoted to CDing as being time that is replacing or displacing "relationship" time. In my opinion, rightfully so. Until that issue is resolved (if that is even possible), the SOs are logically stuck with viewing all that follows in a negative context. (to a certain degree)The CD partner is stuck trying to understand why the SO can't understand or comprehend other parts of the issue that arise (after the first part was never resolved..)
Not meant to change the direction here, just a comment.
Now, regarding my CDing...
I do not feel I deal with the inner turmoil, conflict and frustration that many of us seem to experience. I think it is because I have always viewed myself as "one" person.
I never related to statements such as "I need a life too" or "the other me" or "my other self" and other separations of self. There is no "tennis playing ME", I play tennis. There is no "sarcastic, eccentric ME", it is just part of me. There is no "CD side" or "when Eluuzion comes over" or "my other life" going on in my head.
In my mind, it is similar to smoking pot or doing other drugs. It is not a socially acceptable behavior, (and also illegal "sort of" these days)but people do it anyway in private, while wishing they did not have to "hide it".
I just like to crossdress because it makes me feel good. So does tennis. So does making my own breast forms out of silicone and wearing them. It is just something I do that is part of being "me". It makes me feel good, so I do it. It makes others uncomfortable, and has social consequences that I wish to avoid, so I conceal it. I do not feel compelled to stop it for any reason, or lobby for acceptance, anymore than I do about lobbying for legalizing drugs.
It is just something I love to do, can do, and "do-do" :D
For me being dressed is a release... I can finally stop being that macho man everybody expects and release my feminine side. One thing that I have noticed is my voice...even without trying when I'm dressed my usually corse voice becomes very suttle and softer, my wife thinks that it's me trying to be more feminine but I'm not doing it.
I feel like two parts of me merged to become a whole person. I have always felt more feminine than masculine. I tried real hard when I was young to be a real man but never could quite pull it off. When I get dressed it feels right and I am very comfortable with myself. Sometimes when I am not dressed I find my self more comfortable in a feminine state of mind.
When I dress it just feels natural to me as if I were supposed to be a woman but got assigned the wrong gender at birth. It does feel so good to come home after a hard days work shower and get something pretty on it relaxes me even if the day was very difficult all I have to do is get into my favorite bra and panties and it just melts the tension away.
Before my wife knew about my dressing I was an iratable person at home snapping at every little thing that went bad. Know i'm alot more mellow and far easier to live with.
It's like dressing is my drug and I need a fix when arriving home. I catch myself looking forward to going home and dressing in order to get thew the day.
Thats it in a nutshell Denise
I can't muddy up this well spoken quote!!! Frederique you go girlQuote:
Originally Posted by Frédérique
I'll have a go, with some words that might sorta describe feelings:
Communion: I like the division sometimes. In daily life, I definitely try to stay 'integrated' psychologically, but it's still a special occasion when I can meet myself face to face in that way. I like to see myself smiling at myself. It's a private moment to experience the duality, the talking to myself, the energies taking roles. I feel nurturing and nurtured at once, and can see the balance in this, and try to remember the feeling to carry with me. It's also a spiritual experience, a moment of grace and exploration, where I can do anything I wish, like a child in a sandbox, and what I do will not determine what or who I am. If I want to explore hedonism, I do, if I want to experience fantasies of power in a safe place, I do. If I want to meet some part of myself I am afraid to look at, I can, because I have the strength of spirit with me to keep me myself and intact.
Objectivity: When you step out of your head and take up a different point of view, then look back in at yourself, you are using 'the' mind trick. I love the relief I get from this 'meditation' (which is what it is.) I can 'get it' by journalling, but I can feel the kinesthetics of the muscle memory and posture this way, and this helps me remember.
Later, when I need to, I can duplicate the spinal posture, and re-acquaint with the energy. Posture is key for my CDing, and fiddling with posture and movement opened up internal doors for me. Muscle memory is large way we remember emotions and feelings.
"Remembering who I am" When I lose track of myself, of 'who I am,' (which makes sense to me, though words are inadequate, and I'm just hoping someone is nodding here.) I become inconfident, lose hope, and get muddled in words and definitions. My 'reality' slips away, and everything that is possible or sounds plausible takes on an air of damning 'truth.' (did I ever mention I had teh schizo?)
In these times. dressing reminds me of who I am, and in the face of a truthless void, graces to me that personal truth is what I want it to be, and what I make it, and the person in the mirror shows me how possible it is to perceive and alter my internal universe to 'bend around the spoon' so that I am not thrown into the paradoxical vortex screaming, but push through it safely to the other side, to the 'inverted' places of the collective, where subject and object invert, and one is everything, and everything is one. (Don't roll your eyes. I've seen it, it's like another dimension.)
Oh, scratch all the above. I meant to say "fluffy and graceful and so girly and pretty." :D
The real experience both inside and out is sometimes hard to convey to others Wen. We can go around the entire building to get next to ourselves or just take one step in the other direction. It's our choice in either case.:)
I'm glad I found this thread! I have a lot of strange internal dialogue going on about my CDing at the moment. Like it's stupid, I look ridiculous, I'm not "normal", and is it even real or just something I invented in my head (i.e., am I rationalising all my behaviours in the past to justify what I'm doing now) and then let get out of control? I guess having these feelings is fairly typical by the sounds of it? When I get dressed up it's like they all just wash away though and I realise that it is a big part of me, but it's kind of hard dealing with the self doubt and negative self talk. On the other hand, I believe that by doing this I'm taking steps towards becoming a more me-ish me, if that makes sense - less trying to be what I believe other people want me to be and more just being who I am. So while I'm quite confused about the whole thing I do feel more grounded...