I'm going to sound like a royal a$$ but..

Well heres my 2 cents on the subject. I'm a life long cder. I was always excetted about the day I would venture out as a girl. That day came about three years ago. First I told my wife about my passion to dress. That went over like a turd in a punchbowl. Second, I met some other cder's on this site, to meet up with. That worked out real good. Very nice people. Third, I joined a tg group. That was great and informative. I really felt like Daviolin was on the road to exceptance. My wife finally excepted who I was. There still is a little tension, but not like before.
Anyway, I accually got burnt out on the fact of going out. I have more fun just staying home and playing house. I love doing photoshoots and play acting different women's roles. I found my comfort zone as Daviolin. And I am sticking with it. Daviolin

For each flower there is a season to bloom. No amount of coaxing will convince a sunflower to open in snowy January.

An orchid may take 3-8 years to blossom.

I have been going out in public dressed enfemme for over 60 years! In all that time I have NEVER been publicly derided or had negative comments yelled at me. Those comments may have been made, but not so I could hear them! To further confuse the issue, if that is the proper way to put it, for the past 7 years I have gone out in public almost every day dressed enfemme, but looking exactly like the man that I am!! My late wife used to do my makeup and fix my wig and when she died I just decided to go without! The only comments that I have ever heard were compliments on my outfits!

As was said earlier, the problems are mostly with the CD's! Yes, there may be problems with a wife or family but those can be handled if approached PROPERLY! That last word in the important one!! You can't just tell your wife that you want to dress enfemme, you have to explain to her WHY you want to!! All this can be done, and has by many crossdressers! Those are the happy ones!!

Erica
Everything you said is SO true. Myself, I have been out many years ago. In fact, I was out quite a few times. Took it to
my wife and almost to a divorce. She passed away from cancer and like a fool, 2 years later got married again and for the last 17 years its been the same as with my first. My second wife....should have told her before we got married but I was scared to death.
Plus, thought MAYBE "IT" was gone. Of course, no, it is not gone. Now I'm 70 yrs. young, so not much time left. Oh well.
Really haven't been dressed in a while, but really doubt that I could even come close to passing these days. So, this forum does help me TREMENDOUSLY.

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Originally Posted by EricaCD

(And this is from a person who has had an active out-and-about life for six years.) Shoving and implicitly shaming people for not getting out the door is not constructive; some people indeed have valid reasons for staying in the closet. It's decidedly not your role to say otherwise.

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I'm possibly one of the most out-and-about CDs on this forum and I have to agree with Erica and with Vickie_CDTV, there is nothing wrong with enjoying who you are whether that means being in the closet or being out and no-one should ever be made to feel bad for who they are, period.

I post maybe 1/50th or 1/100th of the things I do and I primarily do that because I do feel that maybe such posts can encourage others to consider and to explore their options, but I do so knowing full well that leaving the closet is just not the right choice for everyone.

Each person here has to determine her own options and make her own choices. Those of us who post frequently may be able to provide information and support for those choices, but it is not our place to push or "dare" others into a life they may not be comfortable with.

To each her own!

Hugs,
Persephone.

I would never recommend a person engage in potentially risky behavior without weighing the consequences of that decesion. Sometimes the consequences may be more than anticipated. And, sometimes well thought out decisions can backfire. Risk v. Reward.

If you are happy staying home and playing house, more power to you. Keep it up. If you want to go outside the door, make the 1st step.
Here is one thing I've started looking at (and someone hit on earlier)...most women outside that door are just average looking. If you turned your transdar on every woman you see that isn't a 7 or above, you could be wrong many times over.
If your hesitation in going out is the same hesitation of asking your 1st girl out, namely afraid of rejection, you need to make that step out the door. We will encourage you in any way possible.

-Candi

I see your point, and it isn't all necessarily true. People differ. Just like there are hetero or homo sexual dressers, there is never a dresser in the same situation as the next. I have been told by my wife to go out. I want to share it with her, but can't due to her being pregnant. I don't want her to go into labor and have to deliver the baby as Jessica! THAT would be weird. My wife tells me all the time I need to go out as Jessica by myself to experience it....before going out with her (which doesn't make any sense to me.) I have reasons why I don't go...but that is about to change. Possibly as early as tomorrow. I can't expose why this has taken me so long. Let's just say with a career like mine...everyone knows you...day or night. One slip up, and you're on headline news.

Crawl, walk and run with me too. My wife is taking me to a night club were Gay, Lesbians and Crossdressers can get together. Friday nights is girls night (Lesbians). 1st/3rd Thursday of every month is for Crossdressors /girls :). Another night is for men (Gay). But every day of the month /evening, you may go as whom ever you want to be, free in spirit.
I am crawling as I type, but one day, I will get off my knees and walk out that door TBC...

Hi.

How long does it take to learn a trade or fly a plane , iv done both ,& as my foreman said what took him years to learn = i can not teach you in 5 min's . it the same with many things in our lifes it takes time. so we should not expect others to do what we have done ,

Im a woman & i had to learn things tho for myself they were there, for most of my life ,yet to put in to action can take a lot of time for some,

Many can not just walk out the door for a lot of reasons, & i would not expect you's to do that . yes im a very strong woman & needed to be yet i had to get there, like my trade i needed to learn .

when i was training as a pilot there was a time for my self to go alone & i was bothered that i would be asked to before i was ....ready....

i was asked & when i was it was the right time for myself ,so if you are not ready dont go out, if you are get all the help you need in prep for that, because when you are ready it'll work for you,

...noeleena...

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Originally Posted by JessHaust

This board is full of girls who stay at home, wishing they could, would, might maybe, ............go out dressed. And most of you look at those of us who say we do and either don't believe it, or just think "sure you can, but things are different for me'
Well I really need to say, BS!, if I can do it you can. The only thing stopping you is you. All the fear, all the doubt is within you, and the solution is there as well, within you.
It's hard , but once you do it, it's like pandora's box, it will never go back in, and you will be so glad you let it out.
Find a group, find a friend, it's not hard, just the right words into Google, and there you are. (meet up, transgender,cross-dress and your city)
Do you really want to stay home, keep this bottled up inside yourself, forever? Is chatting with unseen, unknown people on the internet all you are looking for? I can't believe it.
The world is a really big, really forgiving wonderful place if you will just give it the chance. People will surprise you with understanding. You are the most critical thing in your life, not them, you only have to step outside to see this.
OK, there I have pissed off most of you, scared some others and maybe rung a bell with others, but If this arrogant, self righteous, hurtful diatribe of mine has motivated just one of you to actually put on your best dress and go out and enjoy life, it was worth it.

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I wish it was as easy as you say but there are consequences to what people do and depending on their situations it simply isn't worth the consequences for many. The social stigma to it varies widely depending on where you live and from different places people work and different families they come from. When faceing strong social stigma from all sides being "found out" can lead to a lot more than simply people's displeasure, it can lead to inability to continue at your job, hostile relations with relatives, open hostility to your presence from your community, and in some cases outright violence.

In addition to this we have people in our lives who could be greatly impacted. I know I don't want my wife to have to face these kinds of things because of me. Even if there isn't any signficant other in our lives the stigma can still taint the lives of various family members. The consequences to us alone are dire at times but it isn't even all about us. We can tell people to just get over it but bottom line is there is more of them and they can have a greater impact on our lives and the lives of those close to us than we can.

I am not saying there is never a good time to come out, but there is some long considering to do before you do so, and a lot of factors that go just beyond us that go into it. Yeah it is a big part of who we are, but it is not the whole of who we are and to just disreguard all those for the sake of our expression of gender is just reckless and self destructive. We all have to weigh our own situations and determine how little or how much we risk and how likely that is and that isn't going to be the same for anyone.

For those who have little to risk and little likelihood for loss I would encourage them by all means get out there and let the world know who you really are, but for those with much to lose and a high chance of doing so a lot more care and consideration must be given and may result in just keeping it a secret forever.

Well, Jess, I wouldn't say you sound like a royal ass, but you really have to learn to respect the decisions of others. Not all of us want to deal with the possible ramifications of being 'out' (and by implying that there are none, you do sound a bit, well, ignorant). I'm not sure why you even brought this topic up again. Why, to give us all a 'push'? Thanks, but no thanks.

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Originally Posted by NathalieX66

.................. there may be a number of folks out here on this forum, who by their own situations, can't or don't have the opportunity or luxury of getting out, and going public, not because of fear, but because of the repercussions. We must respect that.

I love going out. Sometimes I feel like I don't get to go out enough, then I realized that went out 3 times in two weeks, and I have to say "whoah, where am I going with this?"

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I've been out, but only a few times and those were when my wife was out of town (a rare occurance). It was a lot of fun and I'll do it again when I get the chance.

I'm not ready for my wife to know I crossdress and I'm not ready for my friends, children, and neighbors to know. Why? Because crossdressing doesn't drive my life, other things do.

On one hand, I envy someone whose wife allows and participates in his (her) crossdressing, but on the otherhand, I don't want to change the life I have worked so hard to achieve.

Its been interesting to read through the 37 responses, so far, to Jess's OP. As a person that has grown increasingly "out" in recent months, I still can appreciate the very real obstacles, as well as the sometimes real fears, faced by some of our number. As far as I am concerned, its perfectly allright to live comfortably in the closet, if the closet is in fact comfortable for you. And I can attest to the satisfaction I take from being open to and accepted by a circle of family, friends and neighbors and being able to freely experience life and people. And I can also understand someone saying, been there, got the T-shirt and living quietly en femme at home.

The point is, there is no Right way, except the way that allows a person to feel at peace, complete and satisfied with life. Get there any way you can.

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Originally Posted by rebekkadg

The social stigma to it varies widely depending on where you live and from different places people work and different families they come from. When faceing strong social stigma from all sides being "found out" can lead to a lot more than simply people's displeasure, it can lead to inability to continue at your job, hostile relations with relatives, open hostility to your presence from your community, and in some cases outright violence.

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I have yet to see one single post here were a girl lost their job, was excommunicated from their family, or was subjected to violence (while in decent parts of town, there are always places to get hurt, CD or not)). Yes it has led to more than a few divorces, and for the girl in the neighborhood with the murderer and machine guns, I'd be afraid to go out as a man, that's not a CD issue, it's a neighborhood issue.

Look ladies, some of you get what I'm saying, that you biggest fear is fear itself, but some of you cling to that fear so tightly that you can't see straight. I know we live in a society where fear is a commodity freely passed around by our politicians, but the truth of reality is that it's really not as bad as you think it will be.
Before I took the steps I did, I felt exactly as you do. I would lose my job, my family would at best think I was a freak, at worst excommunicate me, my friends would all abandon me, and then make fun of me. But you know what? none of it happened. I'm still employed, My family loves me, my friends are still here, and now I have way more friends than I could have ever imagined, all from the CD community. If I had held on to the believe that the consequneses were too great, that the ramifications too steep, I would never be here, and you won't either.
I said that if only one of you made it out of the dark, safe closet then it was worth it, and it was, I have gotten private messages saying that they were going out now and that my little push was at least a small part of why.
Yes I can be an ass, and I could have minded my own business, but then maybe somewhere there would be at least one girl who missed the best thing in their life, and that would be a shame.

I see what you're saying but one thing sticks out: "I, me, my".
People will come out when they're ready, but we cannot benchmark ourselves by your life.

It is great to see someone here who is keeping it real, telling the truth, and calling people on the countless excuses. It is funny how people can ignore the fact that countless Trans people have come before them and survived comming out. Of course my favorite excuse is the "my situation is unique". LOL yea right. They story is always the same. Its wether you get past the excuses or not.

Katie

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Originally Posted by JessHaust

I have yet to see one single post here were a girl lost their job, was excommunicated from their family, or was subjected to violence (while in decent parts of town, there are always places to get hurt, CD or not)). Yes it has led to more than a few divorces, and for the girl in the neighborhood with the murderer and machine guns, I'd be afraid to go out as a man, that's not a CD issue, it's a neighborhood issue.

Look ladies, some of you get what I'm saying, that you biggest fear is fear itself, but some of you cling to that fear so tightly that you can't see straight. I know we live in a society where fear is a commodity freely passed around by our politicians, but the truth of reality is that it's really not as bad as you think it will be.
Before I took the steps I did, I felt exactly as you do. I would lose my job, my family would at best think I was a freak, at worst excommunicate me, my friends would all abandon me, and then make fun of me. But you know what? none of it happened. I'm still employed, My family loves me, my friends are still here, and now I have way more friends than I could have ever imagined, all from the CD community. If I had held on to the believe that the consequneses were too great, that the ramifications too steep, I would never be here, and you won't either.
I said that if only one of you made it out of the dark, safe closet then it was worth it, and it was, I have gotten private messages saying that they were going out now and that my little push was at least a small part of why.
Yes I can be an ass, and I could have minded my own business, but then maybe somewhere there would be at least one girl who missed the best thing in their life, and that would be a shame.

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What Jess says is all true, but simplistic. It is impossible to place every person's situation under the same umbrella and have one answer to suit all. Certainly, the fear factor is way overblown. But for every success story one hears about us venturing out into the public (well, maybe for every ten or so....), there's another story of how doing so has caused someone irreparable damage. I've said it before, and it bears repeating: Don't allow someone on these boards to bully you into doing something you're not ready to do. When the time comes, and you're ready to take that step, then do it, and not before. It may be fear holding you back, and perhaps only going out and actually being in public will allow you to overcome that fear, but only you know that, and throwing caution to the wind is not the best answer for everyone.

Do what is right for you. What's right for you may well change over time. But if you decide to stay home, you're not hurting anyone, and not hurting yourself all that much either. If you do decide to go out, then may your episodes be good ones, and fulfilling for you. But do it on your own terms, not because someone here brow-beat you into it.

@ Jess, your original post clearly states for girls that want to go out dressed. You also knew some would not agree with you yet you went ahead and took the chance of posting.:)

In my case I have been out a couple times dressed in our own town, but mostly in the safety of our car. I have now planned a couple enfemme vacations for me & the wife out of town. Out of the home town is obviously best if you don't want to run into somebody you know. you'll be anonymous. I'm nervous but I need to do it. Having somebody with you at first can help even more with the jitters. TG social groups are a safe bet, or your SO if they are okay with it.

It's not for everybody but some of us will do it with the proper preparations.

Shaming works well keeping gay people in the closet, surely it'll work to get CDs out of it!

EVERYONE SHOULD SKY DIVE, RITE!? Makes as much sense as your post!:straightface:

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Originally Posted by Miranda-E

the "But I enjoy hiding" responses should be coming
in
3,,,

2,,,

1,,,

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3. Stress! What if u run into your kid's 3rd grade teacher? Or, your boss's secretary? Or, that girl u liked in school? It isn't that u WILL, it's just the thot that u COULD!:brolleyes:

2. Boring! I dress for MYSELF! And, sky's the limit! Go out dressed? In granny clothes to BLEND? Pretty POINTLESS!:eek:

3. DRESSING IS FUN! Why go out dressed when that's NOT FUN!?:sad:

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

EVERYONE SHOULD SKY DIVE, RITE!? Makes as much sense as your post!...........! Why go out dressed when that's NOT FUN!?:sad:

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Wow, We are not in a Sky diving forum, it's a CD forum, just have a look at the URL, it tells the story!
How will you know that it's NOT FUN, if you never try it?

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Originally Posted by JessHaust

Well I really need to say, BS!, if I can do it you can. The only thing stopping you is you. All the fear, all the doubt is within you, and the solution is there as well, within you.

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Well, let me start by agreeing with you...
You sound like a royal a$$. You only know your situation and circumstances, not everyone else's. You can only speak for yourself, not everyone else. What works for you is fine, it may not work for everyone else. This is just another example of why this forum will never really be a "support" forum.

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Originally Posted by JessHaust

I have gotten private messages saying that they were going out now and that my little push was at least a small part of why.
.

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I think this was the point that many of us were trying to make--some people will go out as a result of PUSH from you, not something that came about through enlightened self interest and preservation. PUSHING means that someone isn't quite ready for the leap, and what happens now if that person happens to get assaulted? Will you help that person and family if there is one? It is easy to say jump, when the parachute is strapped to YOUR BACK. Encouragement can come in many forms and help people on the road to self discovery but it can be done without the need to bully. Needless to say, we are all happy that life for you is being out and about and feeling confident and secure where you are.

Everyone's "unique" situation is the same situation we've heard 1000's of times. Its so unique its boring.

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Originally Posted by MissMarcie

Well, let me start by agreeing with you...
You sound like a royal a$$. You only know your situation and circumstances, not everyone else's. You can only speak for yourself, not everyone else. What works for you is fine, it may not work for everyone else. This is just another example of why this forum will never really be a "support" forum.

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What support do you really need if your not actually doing anything?
The whining about having to hide gets old when the person doing it has absolutely no intention of ever doing anything about improving the situation.