Is This Forum Dangerous to Crossdressers?

if we don't test our boundaries, we don't live life to its fullest. It is rare to here someone say "I wish I had NOT done that" but very common for people to say "I wish I had..."

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In the early 1930s, flying from England to Australia was the longest flight in the world. It was considered extremely dangerous and hazardous, pushing pilots to the limits of mechanical skills and human endurance. Mary Garden

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and now, so many make similar trips to explore new lives for surgery in the far East Each new discovery leads to another adventure. Setting boundaries and limits makes you age rapidly, pushing them can keep you young.

Martina Navratilova said

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I think the key is for women not to set any limits.

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last week, Diana Nyad proved it. You limit yourself. In my opinion, I would rather say "What I did wasn't the best move but I learned from it" rather than "Damn I wish I had tried that"

Is it dangerous for people here? Life is a risk every day.

No more dangerous than driving to the mall.
Be wise and don't go where you shouldn't be simple as that.
Its hard to fathom a CDer not wanting to go out in public at least once just to prove it to themselves.
Some people are too scared and say what if.....................? I say why not grow a pair and quit being a big baby. There is a whole universe of experiences out there waiting for you.
Take a chance and live a little,step out of that comfy box at least once just to say you did it.

In a way, yes, but saying that shouldn't discount all the good that this site provides for all of us. I agree with you that the success stories sometimes give the impression that anyone else who tries going out, coming out, living full time, etc. will be just as successful when that just isn't the case. The pressure to keep up with everyone else is subtle, but I sense it too. But those same stories give hope to those who want to try for more, and that really should be the goal of the site IMO. I think most people are cautious enough not to throw caution to the wind based on the success stories of others, and for those the good stories really do encourage and validate this part of our lives.

I get a sense of some statements bordering on belittling those who do not push their limits. That is not right. If a person is happy with CDing in private there is no reason for them to feel bad or pressured to go beyond that. As we've pointed out, CDing is a journey of self discovery and some have discovered, like Dorothy, "there's no place like home!"

I sometimes write about my experiences when out and about. I hope that these can be helpful and encouraging to those who wish to go out themselves, but they are by no means an indication that anyone has to go out.

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Originally Posted by Jacqueline Winona

The pressure to keep up with everyone else is subtle, but I sense it too.

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To everyone,

Would this be because most of the people who do go out are blatently telling those that don't, that they should? (although maybe a few are)

Or might the person who feels pressure, have a more competitive nature that makes them FEEL as if they should go out when they read other people's adventures.

there's no doubt in my mind that i went beyond my comfort zone by going out for the very first time, because of this forum. not that i was pushed, but was encouraged!! and that was exactly what i needed.
we all have minds and make our own decisions. i was never forced.
until i found this forum i was so far in the closet, i couldn't find the door to get out. as a very late bloomer in life i thought that i was the only one
who felt the way i did and actually thought there was something wrong with me.
i was shocked when i saw how many members were in this forum. the majority of which are wonderful, knowledgable and supportive.
reading all of threads about going out and doing things and having so much fun made me really want to get out. constantly hearing the words "baby steps" and "there's nothing to be afraid of" finally sunk in. i guess i adopted the nike slogan of "just do it". i remember standing in font of my door for 6 hours before i had the courage to open it and step out.
that was one year ago and i have no regrets and only wish i did it sooner. it is the greatest feeling in the world. i would have never gone out if it wasn't for the wonderful people here and i am so thankful for that. so thank you all for giving me the courage and for opening my eyes :)

Personally I owe a great deal to this forum as I don't feel so alone anymore. I don't ask questions like; " am I the only one who does this ? " or "is there something wrong with me ? ".... I've found a place here that has allowed me to share, grow and enjoy my feminine side, something that had been missing in my life for so long. I have also learned to use caution when considering going out and to think things through instead of just riding the pink fog and throwing caution to the wind. Having said that I also owe a great debt in the $$$ area also, say to the tune of 30 odd pairs of heels, a closet full of women's clothing, and a lot of very expensive makeup...... ahhhh, got to love it....... I think the good far outweighs the bad in this place and I'm thankful for it and all of those I've become friends with....

Hi,

In my writings to those who maybe thinking about going on HRT & surgery , that they need to know them selfs because its not a funfare & there are a lot of issues to be concidered, more so the older ones with familys allso some will not pass, as women as normal females do thats a big subject alone ,

I know for myself what its like as an intersexed female its not easy far from it , i have advantages that most trans people dont have and not just here those iv talked with at length, face to face,

Its not a competition or a race to get to a percived finsh line ,there just is not one , or you can only pass if your all made up ,you know what i say about that,

I allso know some meddiling with meds we have a procedure that needs to be taken on board so one does not end with health issues as im very aware of , some i know ... well did , they are gone,

Is there a percived pushing going on to get you out the door, from some 20 forums im on i will say yes there is, lets face it who wonts to be left behind, its life so we need to get real ,how far some can or need to go is of cause up to each one yet......look at our lifes what we went through,

so is it worth all the hassle in my case yes or be dead, and then look at what we lose out on , what ever you do needs to be taken at how itll impact you and your family & to lesser friends and maybe work or groups,

For those who dress id have to say many of you, would never know you were not female born, even so not every one from here can just go out & again not every one ...needs ... to so dont think because you dont you are a lesser person ,

We all have our limits as in doing things i do, & i freely say that, just because im a woman does not make myself a better person , we need to be content in our selfs and happy doing those interests we have & enjoy what we do,

With out a sword hanging over our head because ..... we well you know......we are not all the same in every thing we do.

...noeleena...

Barbara,
I do think a lot of newcomers to the forum have a perception of a new release and freedom because of what others with more experience have described.
It took years for most of us to get where we are and those just starting out think they can jump in the boat and sail away instantly.
Call it peer group pressure but I think it is the perceived new found freedom by those coming here after being closeted all their lives.
I feel we should warn some of them to tread carefully in a similar way we caution about hormones and instant body changes.
I do say take your time, but it does fall on deaf ears sometimes.

The best thing I've learned from this forum is the importance of keeping the pink fog under control in a DADT relationship.

I'm just curious how many who CD for sexual reasons like my H have gone public after reading this forum. Seriously, that's very, very wrong. Involving innocent people in a fetish is disturbing (and no different to a flasher!) and as a mother this bothers me immensely. I truly hope no fetish dresser is doing this at McDonalds!

And another point - no one can be sure the people here are the profile they represent, let alone doing the things they say they're doing. It's easy to sit at a computer and live the life you WISH you were living. If anyone is seriously being persuaded by online forums they need to take a long look in the mirror and then step quickly back into the REAL world.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

If we don't test our boundaries, we don't live life to its fullest.

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You're not wrong, but you're also not the one who's risking their marriage and/or other relationships, their job or their personal safety whenever someone else decides to leave the house, tell other people, etc. etc. It's very easy to give 'bad' advice if you have no stake in the outcome.

Just from reading the posts in this thread there seems to be a few people that are in marriages who worry about cding and what it would do if they told their partner about their desire to dress in a feminine way, but what the single people who have no marriage or partner to hold them back? Should they just not find out about themselves and stay complacent with 'lets just hide it'...obviously going against society's norm is never really in anybody's favour and the outcome is generally bad but at least single people can make decisions without worrying if it will hurt someone else or not

I started a thread here recently where I suggested it was time I came back to crossdressing in a more organised way just like I used to. There were some negative responses in the thread. I ignored them and went shopping, picking up some shoes, leggings and a top. But then I put everything back and walked out with the comments in the back of my mind.

As far from encouraging people to come out to their SOs, if anything it's the opposite. I've been put off the idea from discouraging comments on this forum. Suggestions that she would kick me out or look for a divorce scares me even though knowing her as I do she would only do that as a very last resort. But mainly I'm put off by the idea that it would be an imposition on her and that's not fair.

I looked for a forum like this because I found that I couldn't actually give up something that's been with me since I was a child. I found I still really needed to express my female side. Now I don't know anymore. This forum has not encouraged me to go back to what I used to do.

As for doing silly thing while dressed. I was doing that long before the internet forum was invented. I took some crazy risks while single. Unfortunately it goes with the territory. If you're lucky enough to live in a town with a group or dressing facilities that's fine. I was lucky enough to live in a city which had a longstanding TV group. But if you don't you're on your own most of the time. Going out alone is always risky.

People are all adults here they can take advice from all parties and make adult, informed decisions

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Originally Posted by Leah Lynn

If one is happy in the closet, not telling the SO, that's their decision. And not telling, isn't always from shame or embarassment or fear of losing her. Some want to protect their SO from the truth.

Leah

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Originally Posted by Eryn

I get a sense of some statements bordering on belittling those who do not push their limits. That is not right. If a person is happy with CDing in private there is no reason for them to feel bad or pressured to go beyond that. As we've pointed out, CDing is a journey of self discovery and some have discovered, like Dorothy, "there's no place like home!"

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I agree fully with Eryn and Leah on this point and I had submitted a thread exactly to this point sometime back ("My wife got me thinking last night").

I do find that some undertones of "shame, shame" pop up from time to time when someone admits not coming clean to their SO. It is always the same "this is bad", "you are hurting your SO". This could have the deleterious effect of forcing a member to have the talk earlier than required (leading to all sorts of issues) or retreating back into "I am a bad and deviant person" frame of thinking and potentially sinking in to a state of depression. For those of us who have come out to SOs or family . . . I would ask you remember what you felt like before you did and how that might be magnified by someone in your own community implying you are doing something wrong.

I have always held to a belief that nobody has the right to admonish someone for personal life choices. Nobody is perfect and we will make mistakes along the way, this is how one grows. Yes, by all means state your case, be supportive (i.e., have you thought about talking to your SO? How do you think she might feel if she found out later than sooner? Should you decide to tell your SO, her is some advice I can offer?) but it is a careless person who goes down the road of "shame on you" or "do you realize you are hurting the person you love" (I think they know and feel that everyday).

We (the collective community) and I find for the most part this forum does, should strive to be supportive and accepting of all members regardless of whether they closet from their SOs or go out on the town with them en femme.

We are all on a journey, some of have the ability to get their sooner than others and I applaud you for your courage and good fortune. For those who cannot or chose not, they more than any of us need support and advice to also grow on this journey . . . not guilt.

Hugs

Isha

I agree, Isha, and I'd like to add that many of those people who want to shame you out of the closet were themselves in the closet. But seeing the error of their past thinking, and now having been-there-done-that and come out at a time of their choosing, don't want to allow others to come out at a time of their own choosing.
We are a diverse bunch, but there are some who think there is only one way to CD.

I came out to my wife a few days before I found this forum. I am so grateful it was available. It was essential that I accept and express Suzanne. This site helped make that possible. I am one of those who decided to fully dress and go out into the world. That was my decision and it has been the right one for me. I attend a support group that I learned about here. I also meet a few ladies from here on a regular basis a few times a month. That does not mean I think less of anyone who does not do those things. I can't live 24/7 as Suzanne like other women that I read about. I don't think any less of myself because of that. It just doesn't work for me at this time in my life since I have a wife and young son. I am responsible for my choices. This forum has shown me what is possible as far as gender expression. It has also taught me the dangers that we face in different areas. I have an accepting wife but she does struggle at times and the experiences of others on here has been a big help. So no I do not believe this forum is dangerous. I think living in our own head isolated is much more dangerous to our well being!
Suzanne

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Originally Posted by ReineD

To everyone,

Would this be because most of the people who do go out are blatently telling those that don't, that they should? (although maybe a few are)

Or might the person who feels pressure, have a more competitive nature that makes them FEEL as if they should go out when they read other people's adventures.

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Well I don't think anyone should feel pressure to go our or come out. I think it is nice to be able to come and share with other girls in a safe place.

One added point. I find that people can read into any post things that they expect or that reinforces their beliefs. To that extent, this forum more likely does little to change or promote behaviors. If people are afraid, their fears will be confirmed. If they are looking for justification, they'll find it.

Let me say first of all that this forum is a great place to visit, partly because of the wide range of views, experiences and opinions on any conceivable facet of crossdressing. That is it´s biggest strength, and conversely, when it comes to giving advice, it´s greatest weakness.

There IS no one size fits all, and yet we sometimes try to make it seem as if there is.

Assumptions about personal circumstances, "You should", "You must" - I call this musterbation, all done with the best of intentions.

In the end, if you have a dilemma, the only one who can solve it is you, so take time, sort through the advice and look at the pros and cons of each possible course of action, preferably by writing them down so that you don´t miss something important. It is the wide experience of forum members that makes this possible.

Weigh the possibilities, choose, then go for it.

I think in can be dangerous especially to new members who read posts from people that spout off as dogma such things as "you must tell your spouse" or "you can never quit." These are not true for everyone and it took me a while to realize that. Fortunately I did come to the realization before I did anything that would have been beyond stupid in my case. It would be far better if people took more ownership for their posts ("In my case, I felt I had to tell my spouse" or "I have not been able to quit") and added disclaimers that it might not be the path for everyone. Yes, those of us who have been here for a while know that, but new members can be very impressionable.

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Originally Posted by TheMissus

And another point - no one can be sure the people here are the profile they represent, let alone doing the things they say they're doing. It's easy to sit at a computer and live the life you WISH you were living. If anyone is seriously being persuaded by online forums they need to take a long look in the mirror and then step quickly back into the REAL world.

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Great point. I have felt that way too when I see posts from the Pollyanna's who seem to live in Crossdresser Fantasyland.

I've voiced my opinion on this subject several times before. There is a lot of pressure espoused on this site to 'out' yourself to wife, girlfriend, family, friends, coworkers, employers, etc without considering the consequences of the action. I'll agree with TheMissus that we will never really know to the extent anyone engages in their cross dressing. I've been chastised by some on this site, who are transitioning from man to woman. That path is totally different than the life of a man who likes to wear women's clothing without any intent to transition to being a woman. I wish those who are transitioning would identify themselves when giving advice, so the reader may accurately understand the source of the advice or encouragement.

If the statistics are accurate concerning the percentage of men who are cross dressers, then the number of members on this forum are a smaller percentage of cross dressers in society. Hence, a problem arises. When "birds of a feather flock together" they tend to lose perspective. This is true of any group. Group behavior tends to make people do things they would not necessarily do as an individual.

For those young men on this forum, please, think twice about what you are going to do. Sometimes there is no recovery from your actions. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, she cannot fit back in. Life is full of the unintended consequences of one's actions. Whatever you are going to do in life, think about the consequences. Think about risk vs. reward. Think how your actions will affect others, not just yourself.

I don't buy this group think argument nor the notion that hiding is the safer path. Yes, of course - everyone should think twice and consider risks. One should also consider the likelihood that things might go decidely bad if you are discovered by accident. I know, it will never happen to you - and yet, if you read this forum, you'll see that it happens. That Genie can get out of the bottle all by itself. The risks and rewards and impacts on others may occur regardless of what you choose to do.

Those of us that would be characterized as Pollyana's for advising a person to come out (judiciously and in a thoughtful manner) also speak from experience. I don't beleive there is ever "Pressure" applied to anyone here. But assuming that advising someone to consider coming out is "pressure" then there are more than enough negative comments offered as counter balance.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

To everyone,

Would this be because most of the people who do go out are blatently telling those that don't, that they should? (although maybe a few are)

Or might the person who feels pressure, have a more competitive nature that makes them FEEL as if they should go out when they read other people's adventures.

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The problem is that people seek reassurance that they are at least similar to other CDs and when they get the impression it is the norm to dress up fully 3 times a week, tell all to your wife/girlfriend and go clubbing every week complete with a dozen photos, it can make you feel depressed and isolated. NOT because everyone is having such a wonderful time but because yet again you find you "aren't normal" even in the CD community because you don't dress up fully, don't WANT to go out and don't WANT to tell anyone.

That is where the problem is. It isn't a competitive thing. It is the feeling of being isolated yet again within a subsection of a subsection of society.