What would you wish your your dad had done to help you

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Originally Posted by Dana3

Just this. Go to him look him the eye take him in your arms and tell him you Love him have always loved him and will always love him.
That you will always be there for him love him ans support him.

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:yt:

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Originally Posted by Bria

Crossdressing is in most cases only a hobby,

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I hate when people say that. You can quit a hobby. I would not say most ( some here may agree but it isn't a great number). If it were you could quit or redirect that energy to something else. Saying this may be a hobby to a young person, belittles a lot of things. This thread asks how dad could have helped, a dad calling it a hobby is like sticking your head in the sand.

MJy dad is having issues with this. He doesn't understand why his "perfect and educated son" would want to change into a (ugh0) daughter. He is old school where being a man is the pinnacle of society, being a man who does manly things even more so. He "never wanted a daughter" when I was younger, he had two sons. Me, a TS, a gay and one who now drinks too much. Any of this from the home life? Maybe. We never said "I love you", nothing was ever good enough (You could have done that better or yeah you won the game but you messed around so long). So maybe there was more to just the nature complex.

I say being TG is nature but reinforced by nurture. In fact everything in a child's life can be put in that category. If you water a seedling it grows. If you ignore it or spend little time with it, it doesn't. In this case, learning all you can and supporting who he is at this time in his life is the best you can do. Things may change but in this case, while he is exploring this he knows there is a llife line.

Good for you Dad, and good luck. Lerner and Lowe wrote a song that was about how to handle a woman but it is pertinent to how to handle any relationship. I will paraphrase

How to handle a (child) there's a way said a wise old man, a way known by every (child) since the whole who human race began. How to handle a (child) mark me well and I'll tell you sir....the way to handle your (children) is to love them, simply love them love them love them.

I grew up with an accepting mother that encouraged my exploration of femininity. My father was not one for that.So,Mom was the one that I always shared with. Like most everyone has suggested..show and tell your son he has your unconditional love and encourage him to be unique,cause there is nothing wrong with being a different sort of kid. He will develop the resilience to cope in his world if he knows that his parents are supportive.

You have already received the best counsel; love your son and tell him so. I'll add this caveat--if you don't agree with what he is doing, let him know that as well. Just don't be judgmental. If you both try to understand each other's feelings, common ground will emerge. If this is not a problem for you, all the better. Above all, don't be afraid to talk to him about it. After all, you are the parent.

Two things: Let him know that you still love him no matter what, and give him his privacy. I personally remember how important it was to me that my dad accepted who I was. But without my parent's trust, and a sound knowledge that I could crossdress in private if I wanted, I would not have been able to truly find my identity.
Make sure he knows that you love him no matter what and that he can be himself.

My opinion. You don't need to do anything. You have both the advantage and the curse of the internet at your disposal. You can find out a lot more than you want to or need to with a couple of mouse clicks. I think you can be overly encouraging as easily as you can be overly critical (though most dads fall into the critical category). I don't think you need to go dress shopping with him or to the nail salon, unless that's your thing. You be you, let him be him. He's probably going to gravitate more towards his mother as a role model. I'd have been mortified if my dad had wanted to do the things with me that my mom did.

For the most part, my dad acted like he didn't notice. That worked out pretty well. Short answer to a deep subject.

There's really not much I can add to the wealth of great advice offered so far.
To specifically answer your question- I wish my dad had fostered or encouraged more open communication about feelings, emotions, desires, etc. I grew up having difficulty talking about what was going on inside of me and it still cripples my relationships in adulthood.
Taking "I love you no matter what" one step further, say it's ok to feel/be/express/desire whatever he's got, and make sure he feels safe doing so.

teresa and Lorileah define a hobby differently than I do, I don't suggest that a hobby is something that I can quit easily. I drive race car as a "hobby", I also describe it a little tounge-in-cheek as a "sickness for which there is no known cure".

In my first post I intended to reassue JustaDad that most CDers are not TS and used the term hobby to avoid a long discussion at that point.

My 2 cents, Bria

Hi, I'd suggest telling your son that will support him regardless of the clothes he wears - and then just give him the time and space to talk to you. I think it's great you care so much:) best wishes

Dad, you have made a good start, by coming here and by not immediately insisting that there is something wrong with him. My dad had very strict ideas about sex and gender, and I hope he never knew about me. Given who he was, I am pretty sure there wasn't any way he could have helped me. To me, dressing would be one of the single most difficult things to talk to my dad about. I don't know exactly what you might do for him, but let him know you are trying to understand.

Deedee

I know that I am likely going to get some flak over this response by the other posters here, but I think that JustaDad's post is a "plant" to see what reactions it can elicit, and is about as phony as a $3 bill. The dead giveaway for this skepticism on my part is his statement: "It would help me to know what you wish your dad had said or done to make your life a little easier." And look how easy is it to fall for this bait when it is being dangled in front of us so tantalizingly? Who doesn't just love to talk about themselves, especially to such an empathetic ear...

He is playing to our innermost insecurities and trying to tap into the complex relationships that all of us CDers had with our fathers, and how conflicted we were over the prospect of ever having to reveal this side of ourselves to them. After all, "real" men don't wear dresses ..."And what are you anyway? Gay? Shape up and get over it, because I never want to hear about this nonsense again!"

There is a reason why most CDers here - especially the older ones - grew up in terror of their fathers ever finding out about this part of themselves. Bad enough if Mom ever suspected and called us out on our secretive crossdressing - Mothers by their very nature are far more nurturing, supportive, accepting, and forgiving of what their offspring are up to - albeit with the possible exception of them being an axe murderer. Odds were also 50-50 that rather than condemn us for it if they ever found out, they'd actually help us cover it up and in essence become co-conspirators in hiding such a "shameful" secret from others, including (and especially from) dear old, macho Dad.

So really? Dad being down with this the way JustaDad presents himself here? In which parallel universe would this be occurring? Fuggeddaboudit!

No, this is a piece of pure fiction...it is giving a voice to a fantasy that all of us carry deep inside ourselves. A fantasy of how we wish things could have gone with our fathers when we were younger, but which is just that - a fantasy, a pipe-dream, or maybe just wishful thinking, but never a scenario to actually be realized.

I will give JustaDad full marks, though, for putting into words so well the kind of wishful thinking that we all harbored at one time - after all, what CDer wouldn't have wanted a caring, understanding, and empathetic Dad of the type that he tries to position himself as. But in the "real world", this kind of nurturing Dad who is perfectly O.K. with his son crossdressing is akin to the Abominable Snowman, the Yeti, or the Sasquatch - a creature reputed to exist, but where hard evidence to substantiate this is difficult to come by.

Ladies, methinks that you have all been "punked" here, and that JustaDad is a just a Troll or a Psych major having a good laugh at your expense over how he has just reeled you in...

I don't know, Leslie, he doesn't have to be a plant or whatever. And what does it matter if he is? Isn't the real worth of this thread the really great responses the other members have given to the question? Anyway, fathers can be awful for all kinds of reasons. Mine disowned me just because I would not follow the career he had determined for me. He would have probably accepted me a a cd more than he accepted me as an artist! Which he just couldn't at all.

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Originally Posted by Leslie Langford

I know that I am likely going to get some flak over this response by the other posters here, but I think that JustaDad's post is a "plant" to see what reactions it can elicit, and is about as phony as a $3 bill. .............
Ladies, methinks that you have all been "punked" here, and that JustaDad is a just a Troll or a Psych major having a good laugh at your expense over how he has just reeled you in...

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I'm not going to give you any flak, Leslie, but I have to disagree. I'm part of that older generation whose dads would NEVER have responded the way "JustaDad" did. But times have changed, and there are some new attitudes among dads today, I think. While it's possible that you are right, I prefer to take his remarks at face value, as most of the "girls" here have done. The compassion that they offer to him and his son says a lot about them (the people offering compassion, that is). And if you are right, then whatever laughing he is doing says a lot about him. And the decency and compassion with which people here have responded still stands.

Make sure you tell him that you love him and will always support him in whatever he does.

What would you wished YOUR dad would have Done. What my Dad did was not to have listen to my mother, maybe I was raised durning WW2 as a girl. Was it to get out of going in ???? I am what I am now an living with a great women. But I wish I could have a video of my young life to find out just what my DAD DID. Was it my mother who set this up. I don't know an I will never know as both passed away. A aunt of mine when I was older told me in front of my family and others such a way to find out. Talk to your son don't let him be by himself, it hard I know.

JustADad, for starts will you adopt me, if my father ever found out about Violet he would disown me.

As for you son, he is really lucky to have parents like you and his wife, as far as I'm concerned your doing what you need to, as far as acceptance goes, you could try it with him, just saying, all it would take is one try and he may feel more comfortable about talking to you about cross dressing.

Also if your comfortable about it you could set him up an account hear, he may feel more comfortable about his dressing if he knew he wasn't alone, I know I did. If your not comfortable with that you could get to know a few of us and may be then set up some thing where he can contact the ones you trust. I know having some one who knew what I was and am going through meant allot.

Hi Leslie- I'm also a member of this group , I'm married to Justadad :) I told him about this forum. He's the real deal, a confused but loving dad. I can see why this would sound like a fake entry but also glad to know that my son has someone allusive as a yeti on his side. We were really confused and this forum gave us such a piece of mind. I met with a gender therapy group that specialized with children- LAGenderCenter in Los Angeles. My son will get info and support with one of their therapist as needed. So far dad hasn't spoken to our son and I think our kiddo is ok with it. I've already bought him some clothes and let him know we both support him. You all mean the world to us, taking the time to help us. I keep reading about the suicide rates, cutting, depression and we hope that we can help our son as he is a sensitive boy. So- we are real folks here. Much thanks to everyone for helping my husband too.

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Originally Posted by Dana3

Just this. Go to him look him the eye take him in your arms and tell him you Love him have always loved him and will always love him.
That you will always be there for him love him ans support him.

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Such good advice there, and in a lot of this thread. If you know, and he knows you know, personally I would say you two need to have a conversation that, ok, may be uncomfortable for you both, but will ultimately clear the air. Tell him you know, and tell him it's ok. He could be any one of a long list of much worse things, and he's not.

My Dad doesn't know, so I can't help you there. I would hope that my Dad would still be the Dad he has been for the last 40-odd years, I couldn't really ask any more of him.

Read this it is not about a trans boy, I think it will give you an Idea of how to help your son.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-...b_3478971.html

Well I would like to thank you for being an understanding and loving father to your son. I have a 4 year old son and would do anything to love him and support him, and that is what you are doing here. For me I was caught indirectly by my mom, meaning she found my stash of clothes hidden. I know she told my dad, but he never said anything to me. The fact that no one talked to me hurt and scared me the most, my advise is to be open, and communicate with your son and your wife.