Which is the real side of us?

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Originally Posted by ReineD

I think the femme side IS a real side. But it is how you describe it, "a side": a facet, a part of. This is what being a CD is all about, non-conforming gender.

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If you are a crossdresser than both the male and female sides are part of who you are, and both need to be expressed. Both sides are your real side.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Transsexuals and cispersons (a cisperson is someone who is comfortable with their birth sex) don't have two sides, they are binary (either male or female). And so there is no struggle to figure out which "side" is real. ... They know who they are, there are no "sides".

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Actually, many transsexuals will bury and repress their true nature so deeply that they might struggle to figure out their identity. It wasn't until 2014 that I knew for sure that I identify as female. Prior to this year I wasn't sure, although I always felt like I was a girl on the inside, I wasn't sure my true identity (male, female, neither, both, something else) until this year. At my TG support group we discussed this issue too many times. In my case my femme side is my real side.

I would tend to agree almost completely with Reine, with one small qualification. I believe if you draw some kind of line between the binaries of 100% male, and 100% (whatever exactly those poles are defined as) that everyone, regardless of genetic gender, exists somewhere on that line. Some are totally at one extreme and others are at the opposite but a lot are somewhere in between. The problem arises when the place on the line is out of wack with genetics.
Some of us are born with a cis male body and a gender identity somewhere to the femme side.
In some it is barely far enough to notice, for others it is further and leads to redress through crossdressing. And for others it is so far to the femme side that it, sooner or later, demands transition.
And I think placement on that line may shift, especially with age, but also if outside influences have caused the authentic gender identity to be denied/suppressed, and through a gradual self awareness awakening, it is slowly allowed to surface. At an early stage in that process it may be felt that someone is a crossdresser. But as further maturity takes place in the process, it may become apparent that there is more femme identity suppressed than previously realized (sometimes being honest with one self takes time), and a gradual progress toward transition may occur.
Other than that we all exist on the line somewhere, I don't think there are any hard and fast rules.

At least thats what I think...lol

I don't think either 'side' need be more real than the other. I'm both a mother and an artist. Currently, my young children mean mother comes before honing my craft. Some weeks, I don't get creative time at all (very distressing) but I'm always an artist even when this happens. I'll always be a mother, too, and how much time I spend on one has no bearing on the importance of the other. They're both me, even though they often seem very separate.

Funny, but I actually hope the future means I can blend these two 'sides' of me together, much like has been suggested here of the male and female. I guess maybe many of us will spend our lives seeking balance x

ReineD I agree with both of your posts. I love to do some things society in general would consider to be feminine or even very feminine (playing with and wearing makeup (even nude lipstick is fun) getting my hair styled, colored, conditioned (must wear a wig to do it anymore) getting pedicures with pretty polish...) I love to do some things society in general would consider to be masculine to very masculine (Get dirty from building something, rescue someone trap in a car after an accident, fight a house fire...)
These two equal desires run contrary to each other and since our binary society generally only accepts one or the other I have opted to go for the more accepted one publicly. As she said I since I don't want to risk my masculine activities, I further suppress or deny my feminine ones except when I cross-dress of course. That thicker mask she speaks of.

Hence the conundrum.

Women are encouraged to do both, men are not!! (my wife has a pair of panties that are made to look like men's with a fake fly sewn in the front...why?)

Thanks ReineD

Belinda hit on some good points too feminine colors?

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Originally Posted by RenieD

I've noticed among some (many?) CDers there is a struggle to see which is "the" gender identity, male or female. I think the struggle exists because we really only see either males or females around us all the time, and "male" and "female" are binary states (either/or, on/off). If a CDer experiences both sides, then it makes sense there should be conflict, because I think most of us do expect to conform to the world that we know and see around us (either male OR female).

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You really nailed it with this paragraph, at least for me you have. I am sure many others here as well. I will add that having both elements of gender integrated within you, whether we want it to be that way or not can be difficult and confusing. There are times, many times it seems that both gender sides of me want to be in the drivers seat so to speak, neither wanting to ride shotgun. Intense emotional moments can be hard for me, because I have half of me wanting to be soft, sensitive, caring, nurturing, and the other half wanting to be strong, take charge, be tough. Then there can be times when in malls, sheesh, that can make my head spin. Both gender isles call out to me, and sends my gender issues ping ponging like crazy. There are days when I sometimes wish I had left it buried because of this.

Ultimately, my life is better now that I am uncovering and accepting my femininity. I feel more whole, more calm and relaxed. I would dare say that in some ways, accepting my feminine side has even made my masculine side better. But, it can be confusing and difficult at times.

Great comparison, Tinkerbell-GG! Even down to things like the distressed feeling when you don't get creative time. I hope the future works out for you like you describe! :)

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Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG

I don't think either 'side' need be more real than the other.

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This is where I've come with it as well and it's helped me feel better about my dressing. Both are real, both are me and are healthy and can be productive. I think there are several different male personas I slip in and out of as well without changing my appearance. If anything the real me is the collection of all the parts and not a single one.

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Originally Posted by gendermutt

Both gender isles call out to me, and sends my gender issues ping ponging like crazy.

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In other words, it's hard to be true to yourself because of internal conflict. And isn't that true for 99.9% of humanity?

I conclude we're as normal or abnormal as everyone else. It's just that the CD gives a name to one facet of us, which we focus on- most people don't see themselves as multi-faceted, they just struggle with their conflicts.