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Welcome, Red. A couple quick notes - I predict your anxiety level will drop dramatically if you totally let go of "Why am I like this?" Accept with all you have that you ARE transgender. Part of you identifies strongly female. Period. So, then what? Continue hating part of yourself, or learn to love ALL of yourself. Those become the options, and the best path should be obvious!
P.S. I'll betcha a thousand bucks your old man enjoyed silky things, too.
Yes, I too went from wondering what was going on in my head, to finding out, and then to being scared of what I found. A lot of us here have experience with those incredibly awful feelings. They are real, they are powerful, they must not be taken lightly. I've read and heard from several sources that the suicide attempt rate among transgendered people is 41%. That's simply awful.
Some (many) of us have gone through the discovery, learning, and accepting process, and have begun to have wonderful, if a little unusual life. It's one of our characteristics, like a dominant hand, or eye color. When you get to that point where you become comfortable with it, life could be better than it has ever been before.
Of all the very important things that many have said, I agree that a qualified gender therapist is very, very helpful. My therapist is the person with whom I can talk freely about my feelings, and never feel marginalized or stigmatized. She asks tough questions that force me to consider my motivations, fears, anxieties, and even joys. She has guided me to a better understanding of myself, and better acceptance. I cried through my first session, and laughed at my most recent one.
Getting that kind of good help is really important, but so is providing for your family. So what's a gal to do?
This forum is not a substitute for having a good therapist, but a great substitute for having no therapist at all. Unless and until you can find a way to get a good therapist, keep in touch here. Let us know what's going on and we'll try to give sound advice. (caveat: Free advice may not be worth what you pay for it.)
Remember too that while we all have had similar experiences, your specific situation is unique. Don't fall in line with the group-think, believing that since so many others do something, it must be right for you.
Best wishes
MsVal
It's always difficult to explain that one of the reasons this was kept from your wife was the belief she already had too much to deal with and you didn't want to put more in her lap. It's natural response given the way we are raised to be self-sufficient and problem solvers. "I don't need no help, I'm a man!" It also denies the power of love and trust in a long relationship, but that's so hard to see when you are still trying to keep something like this to yourself. Good luck to both of you and keep talking, that part can get easier and become more productive as you work through your assumptions and feelings.Quote:
Originally Posted by RedFourteen
Hi Red, welcome to the forum.
I read your story with great interest. Thank you for sharing it and for allowing us into your world.
I can relate to some of your issues- anger management has always been a problem for me, and I did find that embracing my feminine side eased that considerably. My situation with my wife is similar- she's ok with the CDing in theory, but somehow I still don't feel comfortable dressing in front of her and have never done so, not more than occasionally panties or a bit of lingerie. It saddens me not to be able to share with her something so important and pleasurable to me, bt for now that's just the way it is.
You seem kind of harsh on yourself. You've devoted an awful lot of energy to putting yourself down, haven't you? Indeed we are our own worst enemies. It's good that you've accepted your cross-dressing side, and good that you've found this forum. Further self-acceptance is your best hope for happiness, as it is for all people.
Allowing your feminine side to breathe the air is healthy, constructive, vital. Never mind what society thinks- they're wrong about almost everything anyway. Most people spend their lives trying to blend in, trying to please others, trying to avoid disapproving looks. We're taught that life is a job, serious work, and we'd darn well better behave, save money and not wear shocking pink unless we're a 6 year-old girl or a hooker.
At least on this forum you will not be mocked, scolded or rejected regardless of what you choose to wear. You are free to be anything you like here- within some reasonable guidelines- and if you look at the images in the picture gallery you will see that many of us cheerfully push the limits of fashion on a regular basis.
You have a rest-of-your-life menu in front of you. What are you going to choose?
Hugs and a very large slice of gooey chocolate cake, with cream,
Nikki
I've always been a perfectionist in everything I do, add to that a healthy dose of OCD and its been a rough time. I've been on some medication for the last year that has helped with the OCD and I'm learning to leave things a little un-perfect to take the edge off the perfectionism, lol!Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses
You should have seen me last year if you think I'm being hard on myself now!
Red, same here, super hard on myself. Super hard obedience based religion which condemns crossdressing , super harsh older twin brothers. Way to hard on myself to even try to date. Love/ hate/guilt/shame relationship with my dressing.
Red,
We share a lot of similarities in our lives. I wasted many years of my life fighting the urges, and feeling the disconnect between my desires, my faith, and my family. I was raised in a very strict, conservative home. Crossdressing was not something that was okay, but I kept it hidden until my thirties. When I was very young, I didn't know it was "wrong", but I still kept it hidden from my parents. When I was maybe 10, we had an evangelist come to our church who "preached" on a number of issues...rock music, Halloween, etc. Let's just say that it ended any hope of my parents accepting me especially when I was no longer allowed to trick or treat or even carve pumpkins. After that I felt the shame and guilt of my hobby, but couldn't stop it. Throughout my life, I have had relationship issues, but the one thing that has kept me going is my faith in God. Don't loose that! It is the one thing in your life that no one can take away from you. You can turn away from it, but nobody can take it from you. Ask God why He made you this way, you may get an answer, you may not. It might come immediately, it might come 30 years from now. About 10 years ago, I was going through a really tough time with a friend who had turned on me. I was in a band at my church, and it was the band's leader. I cried out to God, asking Him why? I'm not going to say it was an audible answer, but it was as clear to me as if it had been...the answer was because I had been bitter and holding grudges with several people in my life. Although my friend and I never reconciled, I reconciled with about 10 people from my past. I'm sorry for the long tangent, but this is how it relates to my crossdressing. My whole life I didn't understand why I was a crossdresser and what purpose it could possibly have in my life. Then, a couple of years back, my wife learned that her father was a crossdresser. Although it still bothered her when she found out, I know that being exposed to my hobby softened the shock for her. More importantly, it helped me offer my support to my father in law, although I was not in a position to "out" myself, it allowed me to understand both sides of the situation. In the end, God used me and my crossdressing to help save their marriage, and I found out that my dressing DOES HAVE A PURPOSE.
One last comment. It is the tough times in life that build you up. If you get a chance do a search for a song from Matthew West called "Strong Enough".
Sorry if this post is too religious for some, it is not meant to offend, but to help.
Miranda