Is part of my life fraudulent?

As I have pointed out previously. You have a need to express yourself much more than you can. Your spouse's reluctance to embrace this part of you is causing distress. You know yourself better than anyone. You'll need to dig deep, but I think you already know what you need to do to find relief. The elephant in the corner is the loss of your marriage. You may find that having greater freedom to express your inner soul will decrease your desire. If you find the desire to let yourself free get more intense. I think you know that answer also. Ask yourself this question. If all external factors were off the table and it was only you. How would you like to interact with society in 5 years?

You are looking for validation from your spouse and from what you have posted. It will most likely never happen and if it does, the years it will take to gain that acceptance and validation may be more than you are willing to wait. I understand why your therapist didn't take your wife's issues in consideration. She is there to help you. For you to gain relief will mean some serious thought about the state of your marriage. I know that sounds harsh. But the reality of GD when it reaches the boiling point. The only relief are actions that benefit you. You can do what is necessary for your own well being and inner peace. Or continue to suffer in an effort to hold the status quo. I am afraid in your case you can't have both.

One of the concerns I had with my genuine gender identity were the forces that created it.

My mother was abusive and I feared that I had bonded with her and in so doing created a female gender identity. The medical community has suggested that gender identity can be created out of trauma and separation.

Much of my time in therapy centered around this. I needed to be very clear in my mind where this identity had come from and the reasons it originated and perpetuated itself

The perpetuation was the key. I have always resonated with other women as them being like me so I could see how my gender identity continued regardless of my mothers influence on its development.

Anyone in a relationship where there is a chance they either are powerless and or potentially being abused and are struggling with gender issues I would strongly encourage them to be clear on how they are being affected by the relationship.

In my opinion you want to be sure you have not formed a symbiotic relationship with a woman who is abusing you that is causing you to question your gender. Stockholm Syndrome http://www.dannyhaszard.com/stockholm_syndrome.htm

I do not like posting in the Cd section but I have watched you go back and forth between the TS and CD section and I am concerned for you and your struggle.

I was not able to offer support for you because I cannot see you clearly as I can with others from the powerful affect your wife has on you and my fearing it may not be healthy.(The appearance of dominance by her pushing you into a submissive role) Dominance and submissiveness when extreme can affect gender identity (cause confusion through role reversal and subsequent acting out of "biased/ learned gender roles")

I cannot even begin to imagine the complexity of gender dysphoria mixed into a dysfunctional and or co-dependent relationship. It would seem insurmountable because transitioning requires almost exclusive focus on the self with no corresponding mental illness from other forms of trauma.

Being born misaligned is traumatic (causes trauma) so endangers the person toward mental illness. This is different than having your gender identity stolen from you through the trauma another does to you.

It is a chicken or egg question of what came first.

Kelly ,
You referred to some of my previous threads so you may gather that no outside agencies were involved in influencing my CDing , my sexual preferences or gender uncertainties.
Twenty years ago I felt part of me was female, at that time the counsellor I saw ruled those ideas out of hand, thinking has moved on and now it's openly accepted that it does happen, the counsellor I'm seeing now agreed with the new thinking.
That takes me to your next point of my wife possibly inducing the gender uncertainties , it's definitely not the case ! She doesn't abuse me physically, she doesn't intentionally abuse me mentally but the total lack of understanding and acceptance about my CDing is what's giving me mental anguish, along with GD and a questionable relationship !

Many of you see my marriage as flogging a dead horse and I appear to be sacrificing myself for the broader picture ! There's something in me that's seeing the ratio of 51% for and 49% against staying in my marriage has to be worth it, but being that close is obviously not the picture of a perfect happy marriage , I know it's not going to take much of a reason to tip it one way or the other but it has to be the right one , CDing by itself may not be it !

Cd'ing per se may not be what tips the scales. But living authentically may very well tip it. You are suffering and its not just a simple case of CD'ing. You say yourself you have thoughts that were female. Well those thoughts stay with you. And it appears those thoughts are catching up with you. I am certainly not advocating you transition or even live part time. That is a decision only you can make. You know who you are and the consequences if you choose to live authentically

I will give you advice that my wife will sometimes gives me. Stop stressing everything in terms of gender. It is easy for many of us to do with this condition, to get caught up in things and make them gender related/specific. A lot of what anyone does, male or female is just live life. Why does there have to be such a strong binary line which would make anything you do fraudulent? (unless you are 100% TS) And even then, that does not have to apply either I am thinking.

You may want to be wearing women's clothing, but for any particular and good reason you are not. That does not make you fraudulent. Or any other would be cross gender expression that you may desire to be doing but are not doing. Not doing something that you want to do is not fraud. And, for your own well being, stop stressing everything you do in terms of gender. In reality, men and women live more of the same lives then they do different lives.

Only the second session and have hit the wall !

The second session went very well so much stuff coming out from my past, not all relevant but helping to clear my mind . Still not a clear idea where I am on the gender line because I'm still being so suppressed with my dressing . My counsellor is trying every angle to try and persuade me to get my wife to attend , I knew I'd hit this wall fairly soon, I have two weeks to work on this before the next appointment, so how do I do it ?

To me my options are 1. directly ask again.

2. get my son and daughter together give them the full facts of why I'm seeking gender counselling and show them all my pictures, perhaps together they could convince her what the outcome could be if I can't come to terms with my CDing and gender issues.

3. try the same thing but with her brother and sister, this option takes the problem away of putting my children in the middle of the situation .

4. tell my wife that whether she agrees or not that I'm going to dress more , if she can't deal with it then the counsellor is more than willing to talk it through why I need to dress more to find a level and possibly get answers to my gender question .

5. tell her straight that I can't live like this anymore and that we should go separate ways.

6. leave everything as it is and wait for me to totally fall apart.

Sadly all this comes to not being able to just to sit down and sensibly talk it through, apparently I have 16 sessions available to me under the NHS and my counsellor said she's going to use everyone to try and move this forward, she's not going to give up on me !

When I arrived back home my wife asked how it went ? I replied very well, she's so easy to talk to, and very attractive and even complemented on her shoes ! My wife replied Oh perhaps she may fancy you then ! I'm afraid there may lie a problem, putting the counselling aside I'm beginning to be attracted to her , I really didn't need this complication. She sat there for some minutes holding all my pictures, she commented again on my legs and asked me who showed me how to do my makeup and nails, when I replied no one she was very surprised . It's so good to share this with a woman I only wish it was my wife, I asked if she would like me to attend dressed, she replied that it wasn't a problem if I wished but after two sessions it's pretty clear to her I don't need to prove anything and it would be an unnecessary complication .

Teresa, I don't know the formalities in your case, but is the counsellor not in a position to ask your wife directly? It would seem most powerful coming from the professional, and she might have a harder time turning down the counsellor.

Just a thought.

I was quite worried after your 1st session, Teresa. I've had experiences with a number of counselors in my life. She seemed to have too many opinions rite off the bat.

But, after reading about your second session I feel better about her. She's gotten to the root of your problem. Which to my mind, is NOT your dressing but your SO. If she refuses to see or talk with a counselor u may, indeed, be beating a dead horse!

I'm confused why u r considering bring others into the mix? R u planning on coming out? Your 50+ comment caught my attention. Then, ok. But, I think with all the others having issues/questions, etc? The problem with your SO may just drag on. I see this as an issue u need to solve now!

U seem to worry about giving her an altimatum. Yet, if she refuses to discuss your T issues, she's in effect given u one!:straightface:

Sherry,
Totally coming out has always been part of the deal, I can't hide behind closed doors anymore !
The people listed all Know about mt CDing, I've tried on more than one occasion to get my wife to counselling with me with and get a very firm no !

Teresa, there is no "deal". We adapt to what life throws our way. Decisions are made and some even consider the feelings of others.

In my opinion you need to get in touch with exactly what your place is in TG land before worrying about getting your wife on board. Is it about something you do or who you are?

If you identify more towards TS (who you are), then the counseling angle might come across at a later point as "let's give this a try before our marriage implodes under the weight of my need to transition". On the other hand, if you lean more towards CDing and you are simply looking for more time & space to do so, then it may be helpful to establish parameters which will help you express yourself and keep the negative feelings you are experiencing at bay. This could include outings, becoming social with others and perhaps designated quiet time at home that is not in her face (i.e. - before she wakes up / after she goes to bed).

What I see in your posts is a desperate desire to bring her on board and I'm here to say that this may never happen through no fault of hers. I've been there/done that but not by way of a counseling angle. Then a day came when I realized there would be no getting her involved and as a result, I have never been happier. She gives me my space and in turn I don't do much to put this in her face (although visible body mods are a constant reminder to her).

In short, what is your endgame and is it able to adapt?

Teresa, you already know that you need to do what is right for YOU and your wife needs to do what is right for HER. You (and I by the way) cannot continue to "own" other's problems.

So - Do it. Do what is right for you.

Dress to your own satisfaction. Your wife will likely be upset. Remember: those are HER feelings and SHE will have to do what is right for HER.

Accept that there may be marital problems that are greater than those you already have, but they are problems that can be fixed. Your GD cannot be fixed and will certainly trouble you until you die.

Best wishes
MsVal

Dress to one's satisfaction without consideration of the life partner??? Why bother with counseling then?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Teresa

When I arrived back home my wife asked how it went ? I replied very well, she's so easy to talk to, and very attractive and even complemented on her shoes ! My wife replied Oh perhaps she may fancy you then !

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Gosh, Teresa!! You seem determined to sabotage your situation at home? Sometime last year when your wife suggested you join a support group to attend dressed, you asked her if she really wanted her husband to spend time with other men while dressed! +?

If your wife is having a difficult time coming to terms with counseling sessions, please in the future do not make comments that might give rise to jealousy issues. :facepalm:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Teresa

I'm afraid there may lie a problem, putting the counselling aside I'm beginning to be attracted to her , I really didn't need this complication. She sat there for some minutes holding all my pictures, she commented again on my legs and asked me who showed me how to do my makeup and nails, when I replied no one she was very surprised . It's so good to share this with a woman I only wish it was my wife, I asked if she would like me to attend dressed, she replied that it wasn't a problem if I wished but after two sessions it's pretty clear to her I don't need to prove anything and it would be an unnecessary complication .

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Why would it be a complication?

Also if you tell your therapist you are beginning to feel attracted to her, she will suggest you see someone else and she would be correct. Is this still sexual for you?

Ditto to what ReineD says. And I would add, why are you being so obsessively concerned about where you are on the TG scale? Are you looking for validation that you are or are not TS? One really doesn't need validation that they are from what I am reading and what others have said. Somehow you have managed to live 50, 60 years and survived as things are. I am not suggesting scrapping CDing, but even for myself, I remind myself, that unless I am going to go swim at the deep end and grow gills, there is more to life than worrying about the exact conditions of the shallow end. There is a bigger picture than dressing when it really comes down to it. My wife is my wife, and will not ever enjoy this aspect of me, want it, want me to do it, be attracted to it. I do find that as long as I do not overwhelm her with discussion, yet am not apologetic about my dressing and feminine aspects, basically just owning it so to speak, she deals with it much better. My own attitude of it helps her, and while I had read that before, I couldn't grasp what others were saying about it. We really are often the biggest cause for the elephant in the room.

Reine,
You don't appear to pick up on the way my wife thinks , she makes those sort of comments fairly often, it's almost as if she wants to me to look elsewhere, to be truthful on this one I may well tell my counsellor of my feelings not to change her but to see if I can form a relationship . As I said previously this was moved from Loved Ones where I may have divulged more information about my marriage and my relationship, no doubt some of you are going to come down on me like a ton of bricks for what I've just said but I am at my wits end looking for contentment and happiness.


Sara Jessica,
I entered this session of counselling to try and find where I am on the gender line my counsellor has told me she can help with transition if I need to go that way, if not she is trying to help me come to terms with where I am in my marriage , at the moment I'm struggling to function, I'm so suppressed by my wife's acceptance and understanding, she knows the only way I can move forward is to discuss it with my wife. I need this counselling badly but it's a total waste if I can't discuss and implement the changes I desperately need to make !

Gendermutt
I am looking for validation on the gender scale, I appreciate there are certain points that most wives won't tolerate, not knowing is making it more difficult to persuade my wife what I'm expecting her to accept . I'm looking for some peace of mind and a few years of happiness ! Yes I have lived all those years and survived but I really am mentally falling apart , something drastic is going to happen and soon , my counsellor can see that from the truthful facts I've given her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Teresa

... I am at my wits end looking for contentment and happiness.

... at the moment I'm struggling to function...

... Yes I have lived all those years and survived but I really am mentally falling apart , something drastic is going to happen and soon ...

---

Teresa - seems like you're coming again to a crisis point - and it's just occurred to me that probably the most fraudulent part of your life is your continued marriage. Sorry - but after all that you've said here (and in previous posts and messages) I can't believe that any really good friends wouldn't have already suggested you separate so that you both can live the lives you want to lead. Get yourself some space - you've come up with all sorts of rationales as to why you can't, but you need to find a way, because - based on your own comments above - you are like a beginner on a black run and that's only going to end in one way and in one place: painfully and hospitalised!

This thing with your counsellor: it's like a teenage infatuation - you've responded to her flattery and you appear to be obsessing on her... She's paid to listen to you - you're just likely to hurt yourself if you think there's anything more there... You're only seeing a Relate counsellor because it's on the NHS - that is probably not really what you need... :hugs:

A long time ago I was in a relationship that had atrophied so I know how hard it is to both recognise that and take the initiative - I'm sure as you get older, it becomes harder to see that the best action for both parties is sometimes to separate. It doesn't need to be irrevocable: it can be a trial - an extended vacation from each other. In truth, if you're scared to try this it's probably because you know the likely outcome, but that also means it's ultimately the right thing to do.

Katey x

Teresa,

It is quite clear in this post and your previous posts you are in pain and as I replied earlier IMHO you are experiencing a level of GID which is clearly interacting with your current concept of self and life situation. This is what you need to work on with your counselor. Specifically, you need to understand it in yourself first before you can sit and discuss honestly with your wife. You listed several options on getting your wife on board. Unfortunately, trying to get her on board before you even know the extent of your GID will go bad and be writhe with assumptions on your part and hers. If you tell her one thing only to discover in counseling it is something else well just saying . . . it will most likely go bad.

You may be CD, TG, TS, gender fluid, gender variant a lion, tiger or bear . . . oh my . . . but you don't truly know yet. That should be your first step. Keep your feelings/desires at arm's distance from your wife until you get a better understanding (order vice chaos). If she asks you how it is going and you know she really does not want to know at the present simply state . . . "things are going fine dear, taking it one step at a time and working through things" If she truly wants to know what you are talking about, explain in terms of coming to an understanding of yourself and don't get too bogged down in details. For example you may want to say "I am thinking that perhaps it might be a good idea to find time to explore this side of me in a venue we can both agree upon" vice "My counselor thinks I should dress as I please whenever I want." (I know she did not say that . . . example only). Always speak in terms of "you" not my counselor said or my counselor agrees. This is about you and using your counselor as a "validity check" might make your wife feel as though she is being ganged up on. Likewise, trying to get your family to convince her might also put her in the frame of mind that you are ganging up on her or trying to divide your family against her.

Look, I am not saying you have to walk around on egg shells, but you do need to be cognizant that this is a lot for your wife to digest. So bring her along slowly as you explore yourself through counseling. Don't rush, understand yourself and integrate that into your discussions. In the end it may never work and she will not understand (or perhaps she will) but you can't go from 0 - 100 without a few rest stops along the way.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Teresa

... It's so good to share this with a woman I only wish it was my wife, I asked if she would like me to attend dressed, she replied that it wasn't a problem if I wished but after two sessions it's pretty clear to her I don't need to prove anything and it would be an unnecessary complication .

---

As a professional in the craft, don't read too much into interaction with your counselor as empathy is our stock and trade. We are not trying to trick our clients just provide a safe haven for them to discuss. What I see here is classic transference . . . you wish it were your wife. If it were your wife it would be problem solved. If you find it is becoming too distracting (your attraction to her) then you do need to tell her as it will only disrupt your counseling for gender identity issues.

My two cents . . . take if for what it is worth. :)

Cheers

Isha

I'm going to go out in a limb here Teresa. You know where you are on the spectrum. I also believe you know what you have to do. The issue is you are looking for validation and maybe permission to do what is necessary to relieve your pain. I know how difficult that is with a spouse that accepted dressing and expression. I can't imagine what it's like with one that wants nothing to do with it.

Stop pushing to include your wife in therapy sessions with you. The last thing she wants to hear from your therapist is that you need to express more or even mention transition.

Transition!! Wow scary word. Yes it should sound scary because it's hard work. Many things in life will change. Some for the worst, some for the best. You are fearful for your marriage. But that could implode for many reasons you have stated without transition.

GD is very similar to fluids. It will eventually find it's own level. Things can be good until they are not. In your case they are not and you have yet to find your level. Unfortunately the only way to mitigate your pain is too explore. Your thoughts identity,, feelings, expression and interaction with the world. And as harsh as this sounds. If you need public interaction and expression, then either your wife is supportive or tolerant or it will end. Unless of course you need to transition. From your posts I would say it will end. You will need to ask yourself, and only you. What is my identity. How will I want to interact with people in five years. As male or female. Tough stuff. You have to do the hard work and heavy lifting to find relief. Nobody can do that for you. Your therapist can suggest things. But it's not her job to declare you are CD, or gender fluid, or TS. Only you can know that. She can offer ways to explore your identity. Ideas that you can try to see how comfortable you are. Try facial hair removal. See how that makes you feel? One of two sessions will not have any long lasting effects.

You are infatuated with your therapist as she has given you validation. Guess what. That is her job. Pursue a relationship with her and I guarantee you will poison the professional relationship with her and hasten the demise of your marriage.

Only you can find the relief and inner peace you need. And it's very possible that you will need to travel that road by yourself without your spouse. Take comfort that your children will probably be able to walk that path with you. Or at the very least support you emotionally on your way.

Isha,
As usual you make so much sense, I can't disagree with a word, I guess this is what the forum is all about, you've been there and experienced all this and are so willing to pass it on.
I had a long conversation with my son this morning, he called to pick me up to help with his house extension and I told him because of total lack of sleep I just wasn't up to it and without warning I just sat down and started to deeply sob !
He was stuck to understand some of the aspects of it but came to the same conclusion as you , that is to know where I am with my gender before making any rash decisions and trying to drag my wife into counselling too soon . He also felt that that I was putting too much blame on my wife the situation I'm in, I tried to explain that I was trying so much not to hurt her or anyone else but in the process I couldn't work out which direction to take. We both agreed that some point some hurt has to happen, but hopefully with the right decision . We discussed at length the implications of a separation also she had told him that she came close to a divorce twenty years ago when I first came out to her, annoyingly she never mentioned it to me , looking back that's possibly when we should have agreed to do it.
I have a slightly different perspective from my daughter she is a counsellor in speech and language so she has a different view of therapy and is annoyed that my wife won't attend counselling, in my daughter's eyes better sooner than later.
With these slightly different views from my children I think your point about not involving them could be a valid one, as they're adults I can't stop them saying something but I've made it clear that not at the expense of taking sides. I appreciate she dealing with enough so the point about not appearing to gang up is taken .

Stefan,
You make the point as Isha does of finding the GD level , I can see the logic in it and this is what these sessions are all about my counsellor appears to be capable of dealing with GD issues, without breaking confidential guidelines she told me of other cases she's currently dealing with. As you say take what she says only as a guide the difficult part at the moment is knowing my own mind. At the moment this is my sticking point what am I denying myself what am I not accepting because of outside pressures ?

I take everyone's point about my relationship with my counsellor, OK I'm not a teenager with some infatuated crush. As a professional photographer for thirty years I became very good at reading between the lines, seeing beyond the professional veneer , you have to do that for successful portraiture, and I'm seeing an intelligent attractive woman this is aside from the way she smartly dresses !

I can control those feelings enough to let her do her professional job, I've got sixteen weeks to see how things go .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Only the second session and have hit the wall !

The second session went very well so much stuff coming out from my past, not all relevant but helping to clear my mind . Still not a clear idea where I am on the gender line because I'm still being so suppressed with my dressing . My counsellor is trying every angle to try and persuade me to get my wife to attend , I knew I'd hit this wall fairly soon, I have two weeks to work on this before the next appointment, so how do I do it ?

To me my options are 1. directly ask again.

2. get my son and daughter together give them the full facts of why I'm seeking gender counselling and show them all my pictures, perhaps together they could convince her what the outcome could be if I can't come to terms with my CDing and gender issues.

3. try the same thing but with her brother and sister, this option takes the problem away of putting my children in the middle of the situation .

4. tell my wife that whether she agrees or not that I'm going to dress more , if she can't deal with it then the counsellor is more than willing to talk it through why I need to dress more to find a level and possibly get answers to my gender question .

5. tell her straight that I can't live like this anymore and that we should go separate ways.

6. leave everything as it is and wait for me to totally fall apart.

Sadly all this comes to not being able to just to sit down and sensibly talk it through, apparently I have 16 sessions available to me under the NHS and my counsellor said she's going to use everyone to try and move this forward, she's not going to give up on me !

When I arrived back home my wife asked how it went ? I replied very well, she's so easy to talk to, and very attractive and even complemented on her shoes ! My wife replied Oh perhaps she may fancy you then ! I'm afraid there may lie a problem, putting the counselling aside I'm beginning to be attracted to her , I really didn't need this complication. She sat there for some minutes holding all my pictures, she commented again on my legs and asked me who showed me how to do my makeup and nails, when I replied no one she was very surprised . It's so good to share this with a woman I only wish it was my wife, I asked if she would like me to attend dressed, she replied that it wasn't a problem if I wished but after two sessions it's pretty clear to her I don't need to prove anything and it would be an unnecessary complication .

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Teresa
I have read your threads here for two years. I don't believe I have ever commented. I am going to try now. Please listen.

You are responsible for you. Almost every thread I read centers in your wife's disapproval. She is not going to change. She has not budged an inch in two years and I don't think any counseling will move her. She is not willing. Acceptance on your part is the key. The only thing that you can change is you.

I had to detach from my wife. It was so difficult. However, if I was going to be honest about who I was I had to concentrate on me not my wife's desires and thoughts. In the end this was more fair to her. She finally was able to see he real me.

This detachment lead to me deciding to transition. Yes this is scary! So now my wife has the opportunity to decide if she loves the real me. Not the one version I was presenting to her. This sounds harsh but it is really the only fair thing I could do for her. I had been dishonest with myself and her.

I am not saying that all cross dressers should just abandon any compromise with their spouses. However, if you are having gender confusion you should address it honestly. The only way I believe you can do this is by independent evaluation. Not through the lenses of being a couple. Once you have done the work the spouse deserves to know the outcome. She is then free to make her own decision about how her life with you looks.

We only live once. We owe it to ourselves to be authentic. Yes it took me 48 years to really accept myself. I don't wish that fate for anyone. It is never too late though! We get to start over every day. Yes it is completely scary!!!!!! However, the rewards are great. If your spouse decides she is in then you will truly know that she loves the real you. Not the hidden version you have concocted to please her.

Suzanne

Suzanne,
Today I managed to get a level, non volatile conversation with my wife, basically it came down to very much to what you say .
My wife is still working and while she's still employed she point blank refuses to see any counsellor, she can't take that on board as well. Being told what would make me happy with my CDing is not going to happen, its' up to me to find happiness with the level of CDing first and then see if she can live with it . She's not denying me trying to find contentment and happiness but she made it clear she may not be part of it.

She feels she's flexed enough by allowing me to wear nighties in bed, but allowing me to dress while she's at home and sit in the evening to watch TV isn't going to happen again. she just wants the man she married in those circumstances.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Teresa

She's not denying me trying to find contentment and happiness but she made it clear she may not be part of it.

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We've had this conversation before. It seems you want your wife's full involvement from the get go. That rarely happens. With most couples, it starts slowly and after some years, many wives gain some degree of confidence that their husbands are still the same people, they get used to the idea that their husbands dress, and they no longer feel threatened by seeing their husbands in women's clothing. It takes TIME.

A lot of couples start out just the way that your wife suggests. So join a support group, go out regularly, and you will see that these outings will become a part of your and your wife's routines. Eventually she will have enough experience under her belt, she will see you come back from your outings all in one piece and that you are the same person you always have been, and it will cease to be so difficult for her to see you dressed. It takes GETTING USED TO.

But if you expect her to be as accepting from the onset as some of the wives here are with their SO's (after years), you'll continue to make yourself and perhaps your wife miserable.

Reine,
It really is a struggle to get to the bottom line, but thinking about this morning I realise that neither of us aren't saying we don't love each other, admittedly we don't say it enough and the harsh words don't help from either side but basically she can't live with my CDing and I can't live without it !
I accept it fully now but still don't really understand what's driving it, the point I made in , "more than CDing thread".
I have to use all my counselling sessions to try and get that answer, I told my wife yesterday that I wasn't sure anymore how much I needed to be a woman, throwing all the other labels at her are going to totally confuse her ! This is one of the mistakes she making about joint counselling but then of course she doesn't want to know and hear that she may lose her husband in that way.
The problem is now I'm trying so hard to step forward and she's taking steps back.
I don't need her to validate my CDing , I need to satisfy a desire that's always been there of wanting to share it totally with a woman, as a companion and yes sexually ! It's that rejection of at least half of my being that is harming and hurting me so much, as you may recall it drove me to desperate measures some twenty years ago.

She may or may not come round at some point as you say, but time is running out and mentally I need some answers and take action soon. She suggested that I go and get some medication ( antidepressants ) but as I found last time, many of the negatives disappear and the CDing becomes more acceptable and loses it's boundaries, so it's counter productive, I'm possibly happier but only because of my comfort levels with CDing are greater which I doubt the rest of the family will want to see.

The inevitable does look like parting of our ways , I mustn't see it as I love my CDing more than my family, everyone my wife has spoken to has said they couldn't live with a CDer, maybe I should be fair and take that pain away but seperation isn't going to be pain free either !

You have lived with this condition for a very long time. You have to have some idea what it means to you. The difficulty we have to accepting who we are is our circumstances. We have invested the majority of our life in a male existence. We have marriages, kids, families etc.

I've always thought deep down I might be transsexual. But there was no way I would admit it.
I mean who wants to blow up their life. But GD is unpredictable. Things are good until they are not. We have no control over it, nor the power it can and will exert.

If you want to figure out what you need to do. Start digging deep to identify your true identity. That's where the hard work lies. This counselor may at some point suggest hormones. You may find that estrogen mitigates your desires to dress. Stops the noise in your head. Many of us find the desire to dress goes away after introduction of estrogen. It could normalize your life and allow to continue. HRT is certainly used by those transitioning. There are many that also find relief and are then able to find relief and live their lives comfortably.

Sorry Stefan I should have said antidepressants not medication dealing with GD issues .