Printable View
I personally think both of you and gender therapist might be the best way forward. A therapist is not going to 'cure' you but will help you and your wife find a path to acceptance of some degree & will help you find a way to fit crossdressing into your life with minimal effect on her and the kids, if that's what you're seeking
You could have avoided this whole mess by just being honest and up front from the start, difficult yes but better than lying and hiding something so important. Good luck.
I totally agree with Jennifer. Too much, too soon! You need to slow down, wait several days or a week and write her a letter expressing your feelings and assurances that you have not cheated or are wanting to transition, etc. Then initiate a calm discussion about your feelings and her feelings in response. Communication is the key (as always). Any discussions of your surfing singles sites or showing her photographs or you en femme or even having her confront Tara in person - will only exacerbate the feelings. Its' been about 5 years since my wife and I first had the "Discussion" and today she is somewhat supportive of Donna, although she never wants to see me fully dressed as Donna. Wearing lingerie has become OK, and, at times, even promoted when she's not at home (I'm retired and she works), but is never acceptable in the bedroom. I have come to fully understand and respect her limits and do everything I can to stay within those. This permits me to enjoy my CD'ing, to satisfy most, but not all, of my desires, but it is a situation that we both can live with. (She has occasionally even threatened to expose Donna to other women as a way of humiliating me into submission - and she knows that this is enjoyable and kinky to me!)
My advice is to go slow, go to counseling if she pushes it, and, whatever you do, avoid fanning the flames with photographs and personal presentations which will provide unforgettable images that she may have difficulty getting over. (What makes you proud, is offensive to her at this point!). Respect her feelings and Communicate!
Tara,
The only way you're going to make sense to her is through counselling , If you're lucky she may accompany you if not the whole thing becomes much harder . Geting the facts from a professional is better than her thinking you've made stuff up, besides it will help get facts straight in your own mind, none of us know how far we may travel along the TG road.
It was really awful how your wife reacted and treated you. The only helpful thing she said was therapy. But you have to insist that you two go together, because she's the one with the problem, not you.
The biggest question you need to answer is "Why?". Your wife needs to learn to actually hear what you say as you get your chance to explain rationally WHY you feel the way you feel. And she needs to examine WHY she reacts so viscerally to your crossdresssing.
One thing, though. You absolutely need to buy your own clothes and underwear so you never have to borrow her things again. This can be a hot button issue for even some of the most supportive wives.
Good luck. Some times, a bad start like yours can get better after a cooling off period. Everyone here is rooting for you.
There's two issues here. You really need to reaffirm your love for your wife. Her head is probably swimming with conflicting thoughts. You overloaded her ability to cope with new information. How does she get to discuss this revelation with other than you? She probably is scared to discuss it with anyone. She will probably believe any comment you make to try to explain yourself is self serving.Quote:
Originally Posted by IamTara
The other issue is the cross dressing. You are really going to box yourself into a corner if you tell her you will give up these desires when in all probability you cannot fulfill that promise. If wearing women's clothing is in your DNA, inner self or whatever drives you (us) to act like this, then denying your needs will have an adverse effect on your personality. If you had taken the time to peruse years of postings on this site, you would have realized there could be negative results of making any sort of disclosure.
I would take your wife's suggestion of seeking counseling, but, not with the idea of being "cured." My guess your wife thinks of this as a curable illness. It's not and a certified gender therapist will tell you that. Nothing will be solved if your wife at some point does not participate. It usually does not go well to come home from a session and tell a woman, "Hey, honey, the therapist says there's nothing wrong with me! It's all in your head!"
These introductions of the life of a cross dresser with pictures and physical demonstrations just do not go well.
Hi Tara and a belated welcome to the forum.
So here you are. Take a deep breath.
I'd like to apologize to you for some of the comments you've just received. Obviously 'if you'd only thought about' or 'why didn't you' is useless at this stage and I can't imagine why people even bother replying in that spirit. Please don't let the negativity of a few individuals put you off the forum, there is a great deal of help to be had here- and it seems to be the best forum of its kind for crossdressers.
Perhaps the best advice is the oldest: don't panic. Your wife finds herself in the deep end, and clearly she isn't used to being outside her comfort zone. She isn't unique in that respect. We all know how that feels.
Stay calm. It's easy for people to say 'Don't let her make you sleep in the spare room' but the fact is that she has gone DefCon 4 and right now fighting about who sleeps where will only escalate tensions. She needs space - give her space.
I agree that Tara would be wise to stay out of things for now. Our femme sides can be dangerously reckless: they want out of the closet, and they don't much care how they achieve it. Be firm with Tara- she isn't thinking clearly, she just wants to PARTY and damn the consequences.
Without knowing your wife it's very hard to know exactly how you should handle things at this point, but others have suggested - and I agree - that hoping to get her to go to couples therapy might be a bit optimistic. If that were to happen, I can't stress strongly enough that any kind of religious connection would likely be a mistake. This is NOT about ethics, morals, right/wrong, will power, and there definitely doesn't need to be any more judgement thrown into the mix.
I also think a gender therapist might be too much for your wife to handle, at least at first: some sessions (for either/both of you) with a regular therapist would be a sensible place to start. If your wife starts to feel that she's being judged because she's not hip to LGBT ways of life, it would only make her more defensive.
One thing is especially important to me: you did not deceive your wife at the point you got married. Your interest in crossdressing emerged because you discovered that wearing your wife's underwear felt pleasurable. No surprise that you felt you needed to talk about those feelings with other people that had similar experiences. Also no surprise that you found it extremely difficult to share these new feelings with your wife: her reaction shows how risky the subject was and is.
Try to keep up your routines, try to be as supportive to her as she will allow you to be. Humans can adapt to almost anything, depending on what their head is telling them. Right now she needs you to 'be the man she married' so do your best.
I hope you have found some positive help from these comments and that you will continue to share with us how you are doing. The more information you give us, the more likely we are to be able to help.
Hugs and best wishes to you (and) Tara.
Great advice Nikki, and I will also agree that blaming you you for what happened is not necessary in this thread. The "you should have told her" crowd should start their own thread every once in awhile to get across their message. Just remember, though there may be some wonderful accepting and tolerating SO's here, there are probably more disapproving ones too. Now is not the time to use you as an example of what not to do, as if the accusers never did a dumb thing in their own lives. Patience, consistency and therapy are probably your best avenue to work your way through all this. As you do all that, try not to make any more mistakes, and being totally honest about this with continued efforts to improve communication will be good for both of you. Good luck and God bless.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Last year I told my wife I had an interest in wearing dresses and it didn't go well, it took about three months for things to at least seem normal between us.
Then a few weeks ago my wife found my sz.13 heels, she freaked and said she would never have married me.
I told her I dressed since I was 8 and and stopped while our children wear growing up and now since they've all moved out I started dressing again.
I told her that I'm still the same person I've always been. I told her it's not fair for her to put me down and insult me, that I'm a good person.
Now she seems to be getting over the shock. She hasn't asked me if I'll continue to dress or want to. She's probably afraid of what my answer might be.
Our love life seems to be back to normal, I hope she not faking it. Time will tell.
Tara- this is a good example of simple assertive, honest communication. Judy knows exactly who she is and sticks up for herself without being rude. All she asks of her spouse is to see that she is still the same person regardless of what clothes she chooses to wear.Quote:
Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing
Your wife's response might be, 'But the person I married didn't wear dresses'. That's true, but does her love for you extend no deeper than a piece of fabric with flowers on?
She's in shock, so don't expect her to suddenly become accepting overnight, but I don't think it would be wise to say you'll quit crossdressing forever if she threatens to leave. The urge is just too strong in most of us for that to be genuinely possible, and remember Judy's words.
The most likely outcome is she'll end up saying you can do it as long as she doesn't have to see it. Don't Ask, Don't Tell: DADT. This is what many of us live with.
Based on personal experience I do not feel terribly qualified regarding your situation. I've read through the posts and a few of them, most particularly from those who have had somewhat similar issues to you, offer good advice. At this point I would totally back off, let your wife know that you are going to start therapy, and be the best partner you can be. Perhaps, over time, things will settle down and you and your wife will find a new equilibrium regarding this new reality. I imagine she will always hate that you are a crossdresser but that doesn't mean she cannot care about and love you as her husband.
Yes, this is a terrific forum. Especially when there is balance in terms of the comments and advice offered. I don't think anyone appointed you the forum apologist so there really is no need to try to obscure the issues at hand by blowing puffs of pink smoke at the OP.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses
Speaking of OP, this person is disengaged from the thread so this must not be much of a crisis, or at least one for which our "advice" is desired, let alone acknowledged.
As for my point of view in this whole thing, it is twofold. First and foremost, I will side with any unsuspecting SO who is blindsided by such a revelation when it is done recklessly as was the case here. Even at best there might be a 50/50 chance for a good outcome. Despite the benefit of hindsight, what could one possibly expect based on what we have been told of this scenario? Could there have possibly been any expectation for a good outcome?
The second nugget I pulled from OP's own words reflected a significant inconsistency as I stated earlier: "just starting CD'ing and will never tell wife" to previously getting "caught" on a dating site so you can troll for CD'ers and full disclosure to your wife. All of this was within one day. As such, my reply reflected a healthy degree of skepticism and if OP wishes to come in and point out where I am mistaken, I'll be the first to apologize for myself. Until then, I will forever wonder how some people could make such potentially life-altering decisions based spending such a short amount of time on an internet forum.
Can't we all just get along?
Tara, sorry to hear your story, I found the first 3 words of your Op very interesting "After some encouragement" who encouraged you and what did they say?
First and foremost, you need to find an experienced gender counselor who's dealt with this before. Sure, it might be easier to get her to go to a general psychologist, but then you will wind up with a 'his' therapist and a 'hers' therapist, and YOU will not have any idea of what she's discussing; even if they try to be balanced in how they discuss your 'unusual activities', if there's any question about support, her therapist will support her if she decides to jettison you from her life.That's exactly what I went through; my wife found a slip that wasn't hers, and I had all of maybe 10 seconds to decide whether to tell the truth or lie and hope infidelity would be easier to overcome. I made the wrong choice, just like Tara. Unfortunately, once the cat is out of the bag, the damage is done.Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert
Well, that IS how most people in the world outside this forum really think of us.Quote:
Originally Posted by ElleStreet
HIndsight is 20/20 vision. So easy to criticize after the fact, isn't it. Besides, 'just being honest and up front from the start' often insures that there will BE no relationship afterwards. Most women aren't interested in marrying crossdressers. Lets not get into that argument again.Quote:
Originally Posted by Majella St Gerard
^this most of all. Right now, she's struggling with the image of you as a woman. Whatever you do, avoid reinforcing that at all costs. Even if she asks you to, DO NOT appear to her in any way, shape or form feminine. You do not want to reinforce any of her fears, or turn her off in any way. Because that's the killer; if she starts to find you completely sexually unattractive, you're done. Why? Because once the sexual desire is lost, love can soon follow. A woman without a love interest will then start looking for a replacement. And once she finds one, you're finished.Quote:
Right now she needs you to 'be the man she married' so do your best.
Be prepared for the worst. Keep a bug out bag (clothes, necessities) available somewhere with some cash on hand. If you have joint bank accounts, consider what you would do if she closed them, had the locks changed, and got a restraining order against you. Angry women will do some terrible things when they feel wronged. Don't ask me how I know.
Good luck. You're going to need it.
My guess is that since she already busted him on a DATING site, she probably thinks that Tara is not just interested in cheating on her, but also a perv looking to hook up with guys. And a liar to boot. Not that this is true, but Tara has a significant trust and credibility issue to overcome. That takes time, and may be very difficult depending upon many factors that we are unaware of, both from Tara, and Tara's wife. Not an enviable position.
Hi, and like others, sorry for your difficult situation. I agree with what Becky said about the encouragement.... not that I think it ever to be wrong for anyone to be truthful. To live authentically. But, here's where reality meets the road. Trans anything, even infrequent private cross dressing doesn't always agree with a good amount of people.
There are many members on this site and others who just know if they tell their partners it will go horribly. Many women want NOTHING to do with their "MAN" wearing so much as a pink sock.
We often read so many wonderful stories of acceptance. And sure it happens. Lots of open minded people out there. But lots who are not as well.
To the OP, yes you made some blunders in how you came out to her, and the "encouragement" probably didn't help you.
It can seem like everyone will accept anything on here by how some of it reads. I'm not saying telling her was wrong. But I am saying that you should have not been blindsided by your wife's reaction to this either. And hit her so hard with it all.
I understand that you are willing to quit, and you might, although you will most likely always desire to dress. Like others have said though, the genie is out of the bottle. At best I can see you entering into a strict DADT arrangement. At least for the foreseeable future.
I'm thinking also that her suggesting therapy does not mean you and her together with a gender therapist. I would advise against suggesting that to her.
Just do your best to show her that you have no desire to up end the life you have created with your family. Have one discussion that will bring you to a DADT arrangement. Oh, and one last piece of advice, wives generally don't like it when their husbands are caught on dating sites, especially transgender dating sites... so I'd stay away from those
Tara, u need professional help. Your SO may listen to what an experienced, qualified counselor tells u. Walk on egg shells around her until then. After u talk with a counselor, he/she will probably want to talk with her. Alone, or with u. This is the time to start explaining/defending yourself to her. When u have a professional to support u against all her real and imagined fears.
Do NOT do anything that will seem like confronting or challenging her current attitude that u r a traitor to her and your girls. Because she probably won't believe anything say now and that could make things even worse!:doh:
Don't sit and stew about this. You have no idea what she's imagining. Just know she's probably as scared as u r. Get professional help ASAP!:straightface:
Keep your head up Tara. There's lots of people here supporting you. Stay positive and I'm sure things will work themselves out with time 😊
Went down that road twenty five plus year ago long before the internet. Thought it would stop once got married it did for a time but it wasn't long before it started back up again. I made the mistake of not telling her before hand. I thought it didn't matter because we had seen a movie where she thought it was alright for a man to cross-dress as I found out she didn't want her man to do it. She used that as the reason for a divorced, there were plenty other reasons but is good as the others. I hope it doesn't go that way for you.
OP doesn't care any longer and maybe never cared (no participation in thread). He flew the coop on 1/7.
Sara, I find it funny you don't want anyone to apologize for you, But you will speak for the OP. The OP last activity on this site was 1/22. So he saw all but the last three posts.
Someone else maybe helped by the advice/information from this thread.
Nice try Jessica.
From another thread, OP on 1/7/17......
Same day as the first post in this thread. I guess indefinite break means different things to different people.Quote:
Originally Posted by IamTara
I stand by every word I wrote and even more so given that OP demonstrated zero interaction with respect to the replies here.
If this whole thing was real (which of course I have my doubts), the lesson here was that disclosure is something that one cannot be cavalier about. Yes, calling Captain Obvious but it never ceases to amaze me how often we see noobs dropping bombs in their real lives, all in the name of being emboldened by a freaking message board site. There is a lot to learn in these pages and at the same time, there is just as much to be cautious of.
Tara.......I have been there. My advice is go very slow, and when you decide on a path...think about it another day. Remember she is speaking out of hurt and anger. Anything you say today you can't take by tomorrow. Em
Hey there Tara, I was a very confident woman last week, I then decided to fully come out. Went well, Scars have almost gone (I can laugh about it now / No I can't )
If you are strong enough, go with it, you are not a weirdo poof skirt or whatevever you've been called, you are a Real Woman.
I REALLY WISH I could help, I'm here!