Nicki:
Thanks--I stand corrected about use of the term "intersex." Maybe there just isn't a word for what I am!
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Nicki:
Thanks--I stand corrected about use of the term "intersex." Maybe there just isn't a word for what I am!
Again, I'm NOT defending Danam. But, Sarah, how do u know that Danam's wife ISN'T WITHHOLDING some of her feelings, etc., from him? Possibly contributing to his need to CD?Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah_GG
I agree with Satrana. On the surface, I don't feel that what Danam is doing is proper, but I'm withholding my judgement of him and his situation!
Because unless u know him and his SO intimately, how u can ANYONE correctly judge what is RITE for the two of them?
Having been thru the marriage, "tunnel of chaos", I KNOW how difficult it is to maintain a relationship, and LIVE with someone your whole life!:doh:
And I STILL maintain, if they have an arrangement that works for them, it's OK! Whether any of us think it's rite OR NOT!
Because if he loved her as much as he loves crossdressing, he wouldn't use the excuse of CD'ing stopping him from cheating. That's like me saying (if I were a CD of course), I'm going to eat a ham sandwich daily, because my love for them is so great, I'll never cheat on my partner :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by docrobbysherry
DocRobboSherryEh? But he knows her intimately and apparently understands her every thought process which is why he can't tell her about his CDing. And as for her withholding some of her feelings (which he infers she isn't) contributing to his CDing!!! That's a new theory on the subject... but one that I don't believe holds much water.Quote:
Again, I'm NOT defending Danam. But, Sarah, how do u know that Danam's wife ISN'T WITHHOLDING some of her feelings, etc., from him? Possibly contributing to his need to CD?
Perhaps he's worried that if he did tell her about his CDing she might consider being unfaithful to him?
And don't even get me started on the romance novels being pornography.
:straightface:
I don't believe I am cheating, After all my tells me I'm her best girl friend! If that's cheating then I'm guilty and loving it!
Dana, my opinion on that, or others here, doesn't really matter - it's what the woman who married you would think, that's critically important. And she might well see it as comparable to having an affair..Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
Honestly, if I were you, I really wouldn't be so blasé as you appear to be? :sad:
Quoted for being the blinding truth. :yt:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamara Croft
I'm sorry, but what the original post here says, regardless of any excuses is that you want to cheat. That you're not satisfied with your wife. That's horrible. IMHO, if you truly love someone, you would never feel that urge to begin with. It really does sound like you care more about yourself than her, and that's no sort of love I've ever heard of.
My sympathy goes out to your wife.
In general I hate generalizations.Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
Change it to I GET TEMPTED at some point in my life. Whether or not I act on it...........
Now this is a true statement.
I thought this thread would bring out some deep issues and it appears to be doing just that. Dana... hang in there, there is support!
I have made a few "friends" here I and really don't don't want to lose you... so saying things and being open can be dangerous even in cyberspace! But I can understand where Dana is coming from, well at least in part...
My wife once said to me she would prefer me to be having an affair than CDing... discuss....
This is a complicated issue and if you look at the threads, there is a distinct difference of opinion between US and UK CDs, and GGs with Dana... but the GGs on this site are here because they accept.. or I should say "are accepting", sorry girls and I would love it if my wife was as well.
The US amongst us may say.. tell her it will all work out, and if it doesn't what the heck... loive your life.. go the mall... have fun...
I am sat in a shared services appartment in Chelmsford in the UK... dressed. FMBs, hold ups (thigh highs?), long skirt , no knickers.. feels great! I have just been out for a walk... brilliant... does my wife know?
No... but does she really know what I do when I go away for the night?
Of course she does...
Maybe being open will make it brilliant... but maybe it will wreck things, and I am really sorry if this offends but I know people in the UK who's families have been wrecked by this sort of disclosure.. kids in particular...
I personally think we have a moral responsibility here... sorry if I am on my own on this... Yeah I want to come out... but at the expense of my family...? Discuss
Sheila.. and all the GGs on this site... totally agree with you and understand were you are coming from... wish I'd met you in my 20s! :love:
Sorry if I have offended anyone... we all need constructive support... a lot of us are all in vulnerable positions and that is why we are here... destructive criticism is the easiest form of feedback... it is also the simplest way to destroy positive intention..
Kaz xx
Just trying to be the real me... whoever that might really be!
Woah... guess I've just lost all my friends!
Look at your wording, though. You sound genuinely concerned for the well being of others. How it will affect them. It's not the ops refusal to come out that's the issue here. Sure, it's not good to have secrets, but like you point out, there are other consequences to consider. But when the the consequences don't really have anything to do with it, then it just becomes an excuse. The underlying issue is the desire to cheat in the first place. It's the consequences of that that op is hiding from, and no amount of self gratification is going to fix that. Distract from it, sure, but never solve it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaz
I guess all I can say is that if I were in the op's wife's position, I'd prefer something to nothing. Fixing the relationship would be great, but if that's not possible, I'd rather get the pain over with sooner than later, and have more time to find someone who really does love me. No one should have to live in fear of their partner cheating... Of finding out too late that you never really loved them... Be fair to her.
My SO found out by hacking my e-mail account because she thought i was having an affair while i was away from home on business, instead of an affair with another GG she descovered i was having an affair with myself, the thrill is'nt bigger it's just different.Quote:
Originally Posted by docrobbysherry
We like to have romance WITH our men. Or femmes. :battingeyelashes:Quote:
Originally Posted by docrobbysherry
Edited to add:
While it is true that no one, not even the closest partner can meet all our needs, I still would not like to be in such a distant relationship where we each got our romantic or sexual needs met elsewhere. Even if the void was filled with other things than an affair, such as romance books, porn, or CDing ...... or religion, booze, food, gambling, shopping, workaholism, friends we are closer to than our SOs, hiding behind our children's needs, or a myriad other ways to not have an open, honest, loving, and intimate relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Satrana
I'm not sure that I really need anything to be faithful. I'm committed to my wife and that's all there is to it. I do think that CDing has brought us closer because our increased understanding for each other, but Tina is a part of me so I just can't work the analogies to "the other woman" or anything like it.
Maybe I need to give this more thought.
tina
Reading through all of the responses to danam's post, it is clear that she has had more than her fair share of detractors who took issue with her spin on what constitutes marital fidelity and how best to resist the temptation to stray. I find myself in fundamental agreement with her, but for reasons that she may have alluded to, but not addressed directly.Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
I too, have been totally faithful to my wife of 35+ years and have never once made an attempt to stray. Part of this is probably due to a strong character, a good moral upbringing, and a distinct sense of what is right and wrong. Cheating on a spouse is not an option for someone with those - dare I say it? - old-fashioned values in today's permissive society where just about anything goes, and people only seem to get religion and become contrite after they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar (Bill Clinton, to give a well-known example, and look how he's managed to rehabilitate his formerly sleazy image).
Underneath the bra, dresses, pantyhose, and heels, however, I am still a heterosexual man and like Jimmy Carter, have also lusted in my heart from time to time. But unlike "real" men, I have other options, and can sublimate my rutting instincts by deflecting them towards my crossdressing desires.
And if I read betweeen the lines of danam's original post, she, like myself, probably looks at an attractive woman on two levels - (1) "Wow, what a "hot" MILF that is!", and (2) " Wow, what a gorgeous dress (skirt, top, shoes, boots - whatever) she's wearing, and how I'd love to have one of those for my very own. I wonder how it/they would look on me?" As a crossdresser, I then focus on (2) as my primary object of desire, rather than directing my attention on how to get into the "hot babe's" pants for purposes other than wanting to wear them myself.
So bottom line, my value system prevents me from acting on my impulses, but before I pat myself too soundly on my back for being such an exemplary human being, the truth of the matter is that my crossdressing also helps considerably to blunt that temptation. That said, I am not about to take the moral high ground here and judge another's actions, as they may not have a similar filter to blunt their lust. They may therefore be less able to resist the temptation to succumb to their biological drives and actually end up pursuing that "hot babe" and in the process become unfaithful to their SO. The old "walk a mile in his shoes" adage applies here without doubt.
Still, the bottom line remains the same, and however you want to explain or rationalize it - for me at least, crossdressing acts as a safety valve to prevent me from straying in a physical sense.
Of course, that still leaves the unanswered question of whether or not indulging in our crossdressing "hobby" constitutes a kind of emotional infidelity. My wife has often said to me that it is not the crossdressing per se that bothers her so much, it is the fact that she sees "Leslie" as some kind of competitor for my attention, affection, and time - in short, a "mistress" of sorts. In fairness, I can't fault her for feeling the way she does, and the energy we devote to crossdressing - while it may be comparable to a workaholic who neglects his family in favor of his job or the wife who effectively becomes a "golf widow" - there is still a sexual/relational/emotional component attached to crosssdressing that does not come into the picture with other such obsessive pastimes.
I'm not sure if there is a clear answer as to whose needs trump whose in the kind of of situation that we crossdressers find ourselves when trying to integrate this "other woman" into our relationships with our less-than-supportive spouses or SO's. More than likely, we are doomed to continue with this juggling act until the day we die, and all we can do in the meantime is to perhaps be more acutely aware of our partners' needs than the average male and conduct ourselves accordingly to ensure that they always feel loved and cherished - and if for no other reason than to show gratitude for putting up with us in the first place:hugs:!
Thank you all for supporting this thread...you may not be supporting "me", but I am warm and content knowing that you find this dialog interesting.
One disclaimer (of sorts): I read the line about Romance novels being female porn in an article somewhere (so it is not an original thought) and I found it to be deliciously provocative and fascinating...and I couldn't resist the tempation to throw it out there. The fact that it elicits such a strong response means that it holds some truth. As I said before, if it was complete nonsense, it would have been ignored!
And I am also happy that the conversation has gone back to the rational side. I have to disregard comments that attack me and my relationship personally, because I haven't provided enough information about my personal situation for anyone to make a really accurate judgement. In fact, the insults are quite revealing about the person doing the talking, because they are based on assumptions, which in turn reveal much about the perspectives and experiences of that person. No, I'm not a psychologist (but I can spell it!).
And for those that think it is "sad" that I am hiding this truth from my wife...well, that is why I am here on this forum, and that is why there is such a strong interest in this thread. Lots of others are in this situation. We know it is sad. We know it is wrong. So we are trying to deal with it. So don't throw out self-righteous comments about you think I am doing something terrible. I know it. I am here (and a hundred or thousand or more others just like me) for help and support. Drop the inflammatory tone and realize that people come here for advice and support, not to be yelled at.
And thank you again for those who support this discussion in its intended spirit.
Dana, it took a lot of courage to come here and honestly describe your situation and your beliefs. I'm glad you brought the topic up. It did spark an interesting discussion. Many of us do come here to work through our issues, and I believe we all stand to learn something from these threads. :)
:hugs:
now that makes no sense ........ we cannot choose to ignore nonsense that portrays inaccurate assumptions about things, we do so at our peril, lest they become deemed to be accepted as the "norm" through lack of challanging what we hold as our belief .. bit like should we continue to stay silent when people say "ALL CDRs are Perverts" ........... would/could you allow that to go unchallenged as a truth? ..... I know I couldn't, but then again my view may be wrong, but unless somebody can prove to me otherwise I will continue to believe that most CDRs are "normal" people ... care to challenge me on that one Sweetie?:DQuote:
Originally Posted by danam
A good discussion will always elicit strong viewpoints ............ not all will agree with yours, & if you you are wanting a view that completely agrees with yours you should have asked for those types of reponses only in the thread .......Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
Again had there been no truth in the statments that you found to attck you and your relationship you would have ignored them (again your words not mine Sweetie) ;:DQuote:
Originally Posted by danam
:DQuote:
Originally Posted by danam
We cannot be held rersponsible for the fact that you now feel you have not provided us with enough information to make reasonable "judgement " (how I hate that word) of your situation, .......... (personally I responded to the facts as they were presented :D if you view that as a judgement & an inaccurate one then sorry but there is nothing i can do about that) and if we are guilty of coming to the wrong conclusions then perhaps you will be more accurate about the information you give us to enable us to make more accurate assumptions in the future:DQuote:
Originally Posted by danam
Again if you had wanted only points of view agreeing with what you are doing you should have said so from the get go ....... just because others GG & CDR's disagree with your point of view does not make them "self-righteous comments " ...... we are as entitled to our opinions as you are ....... please read the support statement at the top of EVERY pageQuote:
Originally Posted by danam
*** The #1 Community for Crossdressers, the Transgendered, Transsexuals,[SIZE="4"] their Loved Ones and Friends
[/SIZE]*** ...... I and many others here, come under the section I increased in size & support is not always about hearing what we want to hear, sometimes it involves hearing what we need to hear, rather than want ............. please I said SOMETIMES
A quote I find particulary apt for the cding forums I use
Andre Gide:
Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again
many come here seeking validation for their own viewpoints rather than seeking to reach new leverls of acceptance within themselves and their relationships :sad:
now that view I do find sad ....... & surprise, surprise I find it heartbreaking that you should feel that way about CDing, I certainly don't find CDing sad nor wrong, I don't think you are doing anything terrible if you are cding, what I find terrible is, some of the reasons you use to justifiy not telling your partners **** (you not to be taken personally ) ***Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
I think what some are trying to say is that it is not so much of the fact you keep your Cding a secret from your wife, as in some instances this may be the safest thing to do for many reasons, but the fact that you seam to be using the Cding as a good excuse not to have an affair with someone which makes it sound like if you were not Cding you would be having affairs because that is the normal thing for people to do at some point in a relationship .
Sadly i would agree to a certain extent that it happens far more than it should (and that has a lot to do with the Internet) but that does not mean that everyone is wired that way .
I know that the written word can be miss read as the reader will interpret into the way they think you are putting it and this can lead to misunderstandings some times .
I think we can all agree that open, loving intimate relationships are the goal we should all aim for. But I am too much of a grumpy pragmatic to believe this is what happens in reality. Large numbers of people settle for relationships which come nowhere close to these ideals but these arrangements work for them and they are happy to let things be. It lets them survive the tribulations of life.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
People talk about the pursuit of happiness and yet it is clear many people are more interested in the pursuit of stability and conformity. I have seen many comments from GGs over the years who stated that they would rather their SO had never informed them of the CDing as they would have been happier remaining blissfully unaware. You can argue this is the wrong approach to life but that is how people actually think and behave and their wishes should be respected.
What gets me about this thread is that it is way too judgmental. There are people who believe that any woman who chooses to love and support a CD is sacrificing her own happiness and would feel pity for the wife.
How do you feel to know others pity you because they feel you are living with a partner who cannot love you properly?
There are many rocks being thrown around in this glasshouse, lots of personal condemnations of Dana based on zero knowledge of how their relationship works.
PS. this is not directed at Reine since she is not throwing rocks!
.Quote:
I have seen many comments from GGs over the years who stated that they would rather their SO had never informed them of the CDing as they would have been happier remaining blissfully unaware
On the whole I'd have to disagree. Those views are far outnumbered by supportive SOs.
Are you talking about on this forum? I certainly don't feel pitied. I feel supported by CDers and their SOs. CDing has never stopped my SO from loving me "properly".Quote:
What gets me about this thread is that it is way too judgmental. There are people who believe that any woman who chooses to love and support a CD is sacrificing her own happiness and would feel pity for the wife.
How do you feel to know others pity you because they feel you are living with a partner who cannot love you properly?
I think the general discussion has been around the fact that the OP said that CDing kept him from straying. Some other forum members just questioned whether this was really what was meant and why. Lots of interesting points have been made on both sides.
:)
It is actually an old debate which goes all the way back to Victorian times when society feared women's minds would become corrupted. Mind you the Victorians thought seeing a woman in her undergarments would corrupt men's minds too.Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
On many levels it does produce the same quandaries - such as unrealistic expectations of what to expect from relationships and the behavior of your partner and as well unrealistic expectations of sex itself. It idealizes and packages men in the same way pornography packages women. Page and page of detailed sex scenes is clearly pornographic but when wrapped up in a love story it escapes society's censor. Anyway that is another topic altogether.
Condemnation is more fun!:hugs:Quote:
Drop the inflammatory tone and realize that people come here for advice and support, not to be yelled at.
The post is about cd'ing and how it stops you from cheating on your wife,yes?
Ok, heres how simple it is.CD'ing or any other, need, urge,hobby, desire,is completley irrelevant to the urge for cheating.
Your post was insinuating that all have at some stage the urge to cheat. ...And that CD'ing has been a deterrant for you not to cheat on your wife.
No, i dont know how your relationship is, be it good or bad, and, Yes,it is your choice to wether you tell your wife that you CD,rather than hide and possibly lie to her about what your doing.
Is reading romance novels stopping me from cheating on my partner?? erm? no.i dont have the urge to cheat, and if i did i would either be talking to him about it as obviously there is problem, or if all fails, end the relationship.i wouldnt be using a vent to not cheat..
Why compare CDing to not cheating?
In one sense your post i feel shouldnt be given so much attention, as to me you have tarred all men with same brush, insinuating that all have the urge to cheat,and
2) CD'ing is a deterrant.And in another sense im glad your post is getting read,as with everyones replies and opinions,as hopefuly even ,just one other person reading this that has the selfish 'all about me' attitude that you do, realises cheating is cheating, simple as.And CD'ing is completely irrelevant to it. loren:hugs:
Relationships,, TRUST,HONESTY,and ofcourse RESPECT, vital ingredients.
I like that Satrana goes deeper into what CAUSES problems in marriages! Because THAT is the TRU ISSUE in this thread! NOT the smoke screens and flack so many r spewing here!Quote:
Originally Posted by Satrana
U can simplistically argue that if every person was "honest", "faithful", "caring", and "devoted" to their partner, their marriages would succeed! Which is patent nonsense! Humans, by nature, r WAY TOO complicated, selfish, and self deluding to be capable of those traits, in MANY CASES! ( NOT all, thankfully).
If I sound cynical, it's NOT because of my failed marriage. Which had NOTHING to do with CDing, OR cheating!
It's because in SoCal, where I live, over 50% of marriages fail! And that doesn't count the many couples to stay together unhappily. Because of "the children", or financial reasons, or just don't want to deal with the hassles of divorce! Face it, living with someone your entire life in today's world, CAN BE DIFFICULT!:doh:
Many of those unhappy souls have affairs, CD, drink too much, and/or get involved in diversions that take them away from their unloved SO.
Since some of u, judging from many of the posts I've read, r in marriages like that, what is so SURPRISING about any of this?:brolleyes:
And if u youngsters idealistically think you're going to get married, and live "happily ever after", good luck! It may happen in 10% to 20% of marriages, if that! Just realize what the odds r, and take a HARD look at yourself and SO, before u leap into that chasm!
My CDing has not kept me faithful. My commitment to my wife has. BUT, my CDing MAY have reduced some temptations. Can I honestly say I would have been faithful without my CDing? No, because that is outside of my experience. i have crossdressred through my entire marriage. It is POSSIBLE I would have strayed without my "distraction."
I know my wife too. I personnally feel she would have preferred an affair rather than me crossdressing. She would know how to handle it. She would have divorced me. She has threatened to divorce me if she ever catches me crossdressing again. She never actually caught me before. She found the stash. she ASSUMED I was having an affair.
Keeping your cding from your wife is simply lying by omission. When I was confronted by my wife about finding some clothing that wasn't hers I finally ginned up the courage to tell her not only whose clothing it was, but that I had been cding ever since I was 12 years old. What infuriated her the most and damn near ended a 20 year marriage was not telling her from the very start of our relationship. She was 100% right and fortunately with the help of a great counselor and alot of long honest talks we have been able to move past my deceit and actually deepened and strengthened our marriage. Trust me with all that we have been through along with all that she knows and understands about my female second self, infidelity is simply not an option I would consider for one second. Women like her who can accept, encourage and enjoy this part of their husband's personality are extremely rare. Why would I jeopardize that by cheating on her?
So I guess in a way cding keeps me from straying but truth be told I don't want to risk this marriage for some frivolous fling with the office hottie because we've been through so much together that the thought of not being her significant other is inconceivable. Ergo, I am totally faithful and better off for it.
I agree that large numbers of marriages don't reach their full potential. It takes a lot of courage to be honest and deal with issues when one or both partners either change or have different, unrealistic, or idealized expectations of one another. And it takes skill to deal with the issues and grow: the ability to communicate, listen, withhold judgment, negotiate, be flexible, and compromise. It takes a willingness and an ability to recognize our partners' limitations. If both partners trust there is complete honesty in their relationship, if love has not been eroded because of trust issues (dishonesty to self and the Other), in other words if there has not been an invisible elephant in the room for years, then couples are apt to be more willing to stretch or change in order to meet somewhere in the middle. There needs to be a mutual bond of love in order to accomplish this. And commitment. The old adage is true: you have to work hard and continuously at a marriage in order to keep it thriving and experience its full potential and benefits.Quote:
Originally Posted by Satrana
And yes, some people would much rather not face reality and seek to maintain a safe distance rather than risk bursting their bubble because they are afraid they cannot change. Both are afraid to move out of their comfort zones and they believe that if they do face the truth and deal with the issues, they will either be forced to give up something they believe is essential to their existence, or their failures to resolve the issues will result in divorce. So they seek stability and conformity, but how happy are they really? Which brings us to Doc's point:
Or, they settle and maintain a safe distance without engaging in destructive behaviors, but they forego knowing what it is like to be truly connected with someone on all the levels (which in my view, brings with it a physical connection that is bliss). It is like being a CDer who does not experience the freedom and the pleasure to dress if he suppresses himself all his life by not facing and surmounting his fears.Quote:
Originally Posted by docrobbysherry
In my view, true happiness in a relationship happens when partners reach an emotional intimacy with one another by accepting the self and being honest with the Other, and by accepting the Other's honesty too. All partners sense when there is a lack of honesty in the relationship. And difficulties arise when two people seek different levels of intimacy (honesty) with one another.
But, maybe I am being idealistic.
:love:
Romance novels are surely fantasy - and having fantasies is not being unfaithful. Your dressing, however, is not just fantasy - it's also a physical reality?Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
If CDing is so much less of an infraction than having an affair, why don't you tell your SO about it then? If it's just a little "goofy thing", as you say. She would probably just laugh it off and say, "it's OK honey, I've got my romance novels!"Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
Anybody want to start a pool as to how this will turn out?
Sorry, I take offense at the "goofy thing" comment, what I do is a part of my me.
And, I truly believe every SO should know about the others Gender Identity. This is just so basic to a healthy relationship.
-Tracy
So many comments and thoughts...I can't respond to them all. But there is some wisdom here.
For those GGs who are mad at me, at least listen to this one thing:
It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong. But a man also has a drive that takes control sometimes, and causes him to do the wrong thing. Or--as is more often the case--fantasize about doing the wrong thing. This is an inner conflict that haunts us every freakin day. So please have some respect for that. We are built differently than women in this respect and this difference causes quite a lot of confusion and unintended consequences. For everyone involved.
The original thread is about how my desire to CD has satisfied some of my primal, male desires, and this has kept me from doing the wrong thing with other women in an overt, physical sense. Most of the comments here talk about the intimate side of the relationship, but very few comments talk about the intense physical needs of the male body. Our bodies (male vs female) are quite different in this regard. Please understand this.
For many of us, CDing provides an outlet for physical desires. And because it is very often "alone time", it is very confusing and ambiguous as to whether this really crosses the line in a traditional, male/female relationship. In an intimate sense, of course it is wrong to be secretive. But in a physical sense...is it? That is quite controversial.
I am comforted by the thought that I have not F-d up in a physical sense. Obviously I am not a perfect hubbie in the intimate sense, but in every other way, we have done a wonderful job of supporting each other through life's other challenges and rewards.
And please don't attack my credentials about knowing what a man wants versus what a female wants. We've all lived on this planet approximately the same amount of time. It's a level playing field for all of us.
Most of us r seeking the "emotional intimacy" u mention. Most probably never find it. And some that do, lose it!:doh: I did!Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
THAT is exactly what I miss when I CD, and in my life! There is No emotion or intimacy involved when I dress! Occassionally, it's just the PHYSICAL SEX that Danam mentions.
If SO's could REALLY understand that, maybe they would feel differently about some of our CDing? Or, do they resent a man having his little private fantasy in the shower, too? It's VERY much the same for me! Maybe for Danam and many others, also?
That is the crux of the argument - that Dana and his wife are missing out on the potential for greater happiness. The thing about happiness is that it really is completely subjective, so maybe the question about levels of happiness should never be asked because it is undefinable.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
Let me explain - if you think about how people could be happy living in conditions that we would think backward, maybe even deplorable, then trying to define what brings happiness becomes impossible. My thought is this - happiness is derived from comparing how you live to others around you. As long as you feel that you are getting as much out of life as your peers, then you feel happy. Our happiness is derived from our understanding of where we are situated in the hierarchy of society - the higher our status the better we feel about ourselves and the more likely our wants and desires are met by those around us who respond to our status. So long as our life is going the way we want it to go - the way we expect life to proceed then we consider ourselves happy.
Also if we are unaware that there are higher levels of happiness then we cannot be unhappy at not reaching them. A jungle native can be happy living off the land because he has never seen electricity, TV, hot running water etc so he does not desire these things so he does not experience unhappiness. He is not unhappy not having heart to heart discussions with his partner because no-one he knows does this. There really is happiness in blissful unawareness!
Which brings me back to the issue of cheating, pornography and romance novels. One of the driving forces behind cheating is the want to experience making love to others - the feeling that we are missing out on joyful experiences that others around us are chasing after with wild abandon. You do not need to be unhappy with your current relationship to cheat.
And the more you feel you are missing out on life the more unhappy you will be. So anything which promotes unrealistic expectations of relationships has the capacity to create resentment and unfilled desires which can only be met by consuming more pornography or romance novels etc.
And i would argue that romance novels have a greater potential to create these feelings as the reader is drawn into the story and can relate to the characters over an extended period of time whereas porn is pictures and is usually used as a temporary tool for sexual gratification so there is no meaningful connection made with the characters portrayed.
You have managed to upset more than just the GG's with your comments sweetieQuote:
Originally Posted by danam
you may be surprised but Woman actually are able to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong ................... heck even my 12 year old can :brolleyes:
This implies women dont know right from wrong :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
I think you missed the level playing field .........see previous comment
Sigh.......................Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
then what about primal female desires?
AND aren’t we suppose to be further evolved than a chimp? Shouldn’t we be able to control our bodies through our minds and conscious decisions? Apparently not always.
I agree with Jess here. Love ,respect and intergrity, not CD'ing should be motivation enough to keep us true.
I won't comment on the secret thing, cause I'll only get myself in trouble by the mod.
I think everyone here feels that way, most have just addressed the other issues being discussed though and assumed this as a given.Quote:
Originally Posted by kellycan27
I think we all know what its like to be tempted, as well as being cheated on.
I've been cheated on so many times I swore I'd never trust another woman, then I met my SO and just knew that I could:) Can't say my early picks were smart choices though either:doh:
I see what the OP is trying to say and rationalize but its only digging a deeper hole with alot here. Like I said, my advice is for the OP to drop the cd'ing for a day, have his SO put down the novels and re-ignite their relationship.
Just listen to yourself, keep digging that hole, you're making things worse, because now you sound like a neanderthal :rolleyes: Do women not have brains then? do we not know right from wrong? do we not have desires? should we take up knitting in the hope we don't stray? jeez... I'm so done with this thread, if you can't understand, the more you post, the more insulting you are becoming, then God help you. :wall:Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
:doh: Dana, trust me, it's not just the GGs who think you're being really dumb...Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
That is just so offensive, I'm not going to even bother to answer..Quote:
It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong.
You think? Really? If it doesn't matter, explain it all to your partner...Quote:
I am comforted by the thought that I have not F-d up in a physical sense.
:hiding:
This has to be the most stupid, sexist comment i've ever read anywhereQuote:
Originally Posted by danam
Are you for real or are you just trying to piss people off ???
Dana you might have gotten your point across less offensively had you put it this way:Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
"Although a man knows what is right and wrong, he also has a sex drive that can sometimes overpower him and can cause him to make wrong choices. Or, and IMO it is more often the case, he will fantasize about it."
But you did make a blanket statement implying that men in general feel this way. I do agree that GMs (generally speaking :hiding: although I am not sure how much of this applies to TGs) do look at sex differently than women. IMO they can separate the physical urges from emotional intimacy more easily than GGs, whereas for GGs (generally speaking :hiding:), sexuality is driven from a need to be emotionally intimate.
But GMs in successful relationships will know how to keep their physical desires from becoming fantasies so strong that they will get in the way of the GMs abilities to be emotionally and physically intimate with their wives. We all like to believe it is love and respect for one another that keeps each partner from straying, rather than a mere sense of duty or a strong urge to engage in other activities, be they porn, romance novels, or CDing ... or sports, booze, gambling, over-eating, shopping ... but I am being repetitive.
Thanks for coming to my assistance, there. That is what I meant. Wow, this has been quite an educational experience.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
I thought I was pretty good at writing and getting my thoughts across, but wow, do people misinterpret things...I'm amazed. And exhausted.
... but did you read the rest of my post?Quote:
Originally Posted by danam
[QUOTE=CD Tasha;1633259]You are right, no one knows your wife like you do. In the end it's only whether you are willing to continue hiding your stash and keeping a secret.
I thought totally the same about my wife, and didn't tell her for years and years, until I finally came to terms with myself and my CDing, then I couldn't keep it in anymore. It sure was a shock to her, but with the help of a couple of very informative and educational websites, things went better than I could have imagined.
well said by you Tash, my wife didn't know for 34 years & I regret not telling her years ago. When she found out, I was relieved because I was tired of hiding it. I wasn't having an affair either, but after awhile any secret from your SO gets to be stressful & no fun. She thought I was having an affair, and has for the most part accepted it.