Wife said "NO MORE DRESSING"

Judy,
Reading these last few replies, brings me back to the question some threads ago, do you know what your CDing means to you ? How much do you accept and how much are you trying to deny in order to appease your wife ?

We all know her statement is wrong if she is talking about TGs/TSs, so do you have a problem from birth or is it really a hobby you can put down ?

I don't feel you are being straight with us, all you keep telling us is she is trying her hardest to force you to stop, and you are complying with her but keep complaining to us .

Judy's wife is unwilling to listen or compromise her stance.
How does she justify the statement that CDing is a choice? Who made her the expert in the subject?
Judy has to suffer with her issues all alone because her wife doesn't care.
I think both need some gender therapy sessions and marriage counseling.

I often wonder why on tgis board the d word is looked at as such a travesty. Half of all marriages end up failing for one reason or another. People generally survive divorce and more often than not end up in a better place.

Here though, it's avoided like the plague. If Judy's wife is so uncompromising then maybe its time for just to set herself free of that.

It really does come down to what's the better option for Judy. Or what she can or cannot do in terms of quitting.

One thing though Judy and many others do though us set themselves up by decades of deception, lies, hiding.... And giving it up for their partner. Which only reinforces the notion that it's a choice because the actual dressing truly is. How someone feels internally isn't, we all know that. Most of us the desire or need is too great to overcome, but my gosh how many tell of the many months or years without dressing. Happy years, probably not, but non dressing for years nonetheless.

Such a great case for not doing the secretive stuff for so long. For going through all of the abstaining, only to one day fail anyway, years of little or no expression, peace and harmony wasted and we only end up at the spot we tortured ourselves for decades not to be.

When it all eventually blows up, how much worse is not dressing in peace then of the war like dark cloud of the home life? That really is the question each of us need to answer for ourselves.

Personally what I would likely do, and I say likely because I'm not 100% certain, but is likely give my wife an ultimatum of I'm done being at war and torment within myself. I would let her know that I would engage in a true dadt agreement, but would not give it up entirely. That's still a tremendous amount of compromise, and if that was not good enough it really does become time to head for the exit of the marriage.

GM I think the D word is feared because the man usually gets the shaft in a divorce case no matter what.

Gendermutt,
The D word doesn't have to happen, I nearly separated but divorce was never mentioned, not because we were afraid to use it but living apart was considered the best for both our happiness .

I still don't accept the concept of setting ourselves up for anything, if we were born with the trait it's not any ones fault so why should we be made to feel guilty about it, our loved ones should by rights understand and support us not put us through the DADT pain .

I've told my wife the truth , in fact I've written it all down , she chose not to read it all , it wasn't meant as an ultimatum , it just stated the facts and the truth of where I am with my CDing.

Tracii,
Maybe I was being slightly naive but my wife began to work out ways of supporting me if we did separate . I'm not sure if it was for genuine reasons to finally say she understood my motives for doing it or it was still a way of controlling me !

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If she catches you lying to her again I'm fairly confident she will kick you out.

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If the house is jointly owned, do not under any circumstances leave! She cannot "kick you out", despite what she may think! If you leave, regardless of the reasons, she is holding all the cards because you deserted her, in legal terms. Sorry to be negative, but I don't see any happy endings here. 35 years is a long time, and you have a lot invested in the marriage. But from your posts, she seems to be "my way or the highway". Your choices are to knuckle under to her demands to stop dressing and live with the stress and frustration for years to come, and an early heart attack from the stress, or make your plans to start a new life without her. There are no easy answers here.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and insight.

Of course it's hard to know my situation from the little I write here, and ya it's my side of the story.

One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.
She's been working hard to keep her man the way she want's me.
She a tuff one that doesn't take crap from anyone.

This Judy person is definitely part of my life I'm pretty sure I'll dress again, time will tell.

Maybe this will help me not dressing, I can play "Judy Paper Doll" LOL
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Hey, that's cool Judy - virtual CDing?
Best wishes to you, however you decide to go ahead.
Nic :)

I gather that the two of you are in your early 60s. If correct, you've got many years yet to live! In your post you stated, "She said things will never be the same between us......." If that is true, why should you both continue to suffer: You not CDing, and she always suspecting that you are? Divorce is a viable option for both of you to be happier in your future. Maybe a trial separation first, but with it legally drawn up so both are protected. Just a thought.

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One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.

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What about your wants and needs? Marriage is supposed to be a two way street. Give and take, with consideration for each others needs, not just ones needs.

if your crossdressing is an essential part of who you are, then you kept a critical secret from your wife for 35 years. That's not good. It's not just about the dressing at this point, it's about trust. She can't trust you anymore because you went behind her back for all these years.

Somehow, that trust between the two of you needs to be restored. I agree with the others that recommended counseling.

I'm still somewhat befuddled by the extreme attitudes our culture has instilled in us. I'm even more befuddled but the insistence that we "chose" to be. No where in my 64 years of existence, has choice been a part of defining myself.

As our President is fond of saying, everything is a negotiation. Her ultimatum is a negotiation, and you can use good negotiation technique in response. Don't argue about the apparent fixed position, broaden the subject and make lots of little connections that join you in good feelings. This can work really well in tough situations where emotions tend to run high.

She may just not yet be able to imagine a future in which you crossdress and everyone knows or at least someone might find out. That is my wife's fear. She just shuts down because of it, but I stay relaxed and positive and life goes on.

It might well be more like that for your wife than willingness to throw away a lifetime relationship so casually. She may also have a bunch of unmet needs and resents you having your way when she doesn't get her wishes.

Judy's quote, "One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.
She's been working hard to keep her man the way she want's me.
She a tuff one that doesn't take crap from anyone."

Sounds like she is used to getting her own way! Either she continues to get her way, or you negotiate an agreement. Sounds like an up hill battle all around. As the joke goes, " I always get in the last word in an argument...yes Dear"! You have some hard choices to make, I don't envy you.

Judy, I continually got the same crap from my wife for years with the divorce threats. I finally told her to not let the door hit her on the back side on the way out.

I have been divorced now for 17 years after 33 years of marriage--do the math. This would have been year 50.

Not only have I survived, I have thrived. We are both happier today.

If you are content to stay in a miserable relationship with her calling every shot, that is your choice But there are other options.

jodi

Hello I too feel like I am in the same boat. My wife just found out about my Crossdressing. Yes I was so embarrassed as I kept it from her as I was embarrassed. But when she found some photos of me I was somewhat glad to come out to her. Yes she is not happy and I understand the part about hiding it from her. We are going to start to see someone this week as I do love her but I do love being Krissy as well.

The biggest obstacle I have is she has been getting very involved in church (baptist) and I think she feels this is sinning. I hope everything work out for you.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

GM I think the D word is feared because the man usually gets the shaft in a divorce case no matter what.

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Typically yes, but yet many cis gendered men readily seek divorce. I am just noting this as something I see here. Not sure why?? but those on here seem to be more afraid or at least definitely keeping away from the D word even though, unless adultery by the wife in which case the member here might be more inclined to divorce. But many divorces happen due to other reasons. A lot of times people just end up hating each other. I see so much stress here from members who feel their lives are so compromised beyond a point in which they feel they can be happy. That would normally be a pretty good recipe for divorce, but not so much here.

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I still don't accept the concept of setting ourselves up for anything, if we were born with the trait it's not any ones fault so why should we be made to feel guilty about it, our loved ones should by rights understand and support us not put us through the DADT pain .

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Teresa, by setting ourselves up I mean that we hide, lie, deceive, purge, quit. for months, years, maybe decades. Then... we say but this is how I am, it's not a choice. But in fact what we do about it very much is, and we provided the proof. Of course they are going to feel it is a choice when we do these things. Then through convos they learned we were just lying about it, hiding it, denying it, going without it for however so long. So how else would anyone logically think, if you went without it before, and supposedly never even thought about it, you can do it again. Or, addressing the we just went into hiding, lying deceiving denial stuff. Or wished to but never did, even though we might not have spoken about it. "Oh, so you appeared to be happy without but in reality you were miserable this whole time?"

This is what I mean about setting ourselves up. Of course I know as do most others, you among them is we had an ah-ha moment, or maybe a slow realization of it's a real part of me, not something we can flush out though we thought we could, or did. That doesn't do them any good though, does it. Is it their fault we didn't know who we ourselves were? No, it isn't.

Ultimately it is our own choice with this DADT thing that you despise so much. Apparently not enough to divorce though. Divorce is still for you a worse option. And, that's fine. But for you and any others, you and them would just accept that. DADT is not a good option, but a better alternative than divorce, so make the best of it and go on about life.

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Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing

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One reason I fell for my wife is she's a strong willed woman who knows what she wants.
She's been working hard to keep her man the way she want's me.
She a tuff one that doesn't take crap from anyone.

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When I read this I thought to myself Judy's future is hopeless. As we age some of the attributes a person had as a young person loses significance. We lose superficial beauty..weight gain...hair loss...greying of the hair...pot bellies...sagging breasts. Social and financial status become more important. Length of a surviving marriage. Status in church. I suspect Judy's wife may be terrified of losing some or all of these things. It's bad enough not to be able to retire as a couple with insufficient income and security. With divorce it is usually the wife who gets the financial short end of the stick.

I wonder if Judy said one day that the dresses are packed in the bag and are being shipped to a new address where she will await their arrival. Oh, sure she may scream and yell she found out her husband wore dresses. Sit on the pity pot. Judy has knowledge she did not have before. It was not acted upon supposedly for years since Judy says she knew before marriage but passed it off a a joke. Joke's on her! So, really! What the big deal now? Judy's does not seem to want to sit around at night and watch television with her while wearing a wedding dress or lingerie. Maybe Judy's wife should just pretend she has no knowledge about Judy wearing dresses. It's called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" It works well for many of us.

Stephanie,
In Judy's case it works until she makes the next slip up then all hell will break lose, you know it and now we all do !!

Gendermutt,
To be totally truthful the best option was missed 43 years ago but we only see these things in hindsight . I don't regret marriage and kids and all the hard work but there does come a point when most guys hang up their work gloves and put their feet up ,the difference for me and many others here is they have another side which they become more desperate to reveal, is it fair on us either ? What is so bad and wrong about having a femme side ? My wife is comfortable with the home and family I've helped provide, she has the grandchildren she always wanted and I take an active and enjoyable part in that .

I may be more down the transition road than I thought, I realise this by reading some of the replies . I do want an end to DADT and all the associated hiding and deceit that goes with it. Only today while my wife is working this morning I have to wash my female items and get them dried before she gets back, can you call that rational behaviour ? I have to accept that Teresa exists and does have a life to live, and now I know that life is as enjoyable or more so than my male life . Is it right someone else has the right to deny that ? I know I only have a limited time to let it happen, DADT or not it is going to happen .

wow that is a tough ultimatum and you have my sympathy on that one.

As a nearly life long cross dresser since I was 8yo, I simply can't imagine not being able to dress, but over the years, mainly the teenage ones when I was confused about me and my dressing, I have done the purging and got rid of my things beyond retrieval and felt good for maybe an hour or two and then the reality would hit me and the sadness and need would kick in

I always, always found a way back, no matter what, the need to dress was greater than anything else and stash gone or not, i am sure you will find a way also

Whatever you do it is going to be tough on you

I can honestly say that there is no amount of therapy, persuasion or whatever that would kill what is actually in integral part of me and an inbuilt need, we are what we are

I will be thinking about you that is for sure and good luck Judy

I asked her what's so bad about dressing, she said it's a big turn off.
I should get her drunk,
Last year one night when she was drunk, we were getting ready for bed she said her pantyhose were so uncomfortable and couldn't wait to take them off.
Well I put them on in front of her and said I think they feel great.
We then had a wild time fooling around, you know!

Well I guess she drank to much because the next day she didn't remember us fooling around with me wearing her pantyhose.
Maybe I can use some reverse psychology on her.

Judy,,Alcohol and sex have gone hand in hand forever.Proven for over 30 years with my wife.Inhibitions be gone.

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Originally Posted by Kelly Marie

Just the same "professional help" is not a bad idea. If there is ever going to be a better understanding on her part, you're going to need the credibility of an expert in your corner. And by expert I mean someone with training and experience in dealing with gender identity issues, not a "marriage counselor", generic counselor, or clergy.

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There are therapists that deal with marriage counseling as well as TG issues. Over the past 15 years, it's gradually become more and more of a problem for the mental health community. E.R.'s are seeing more TG patients in crisis, so the psych teams have to deal with it a whole lot more than they used to. While it's still a specialty area, there are more therapists that understand that it's not something that they can ignore any longer, nor something that their patients can simply stop doing or feeling. So we're making advances, finally.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Stephanie,
In Judy's case it works until she makes the next slip up then all hell will break lose, you know it and now we all do !!

Gendermutt,
To be totally truthful the best option was missed 43 years ago but we only see these things in hindsight . I don't regret marriage and kids and all the hard work but there does come a point when most guys hang up their work gloves and put their feet up ,the difference for me and many others here is they have another side which they become more desperate to reveal, is it fair on us either ? What is so bad and wrong about having a femme side ? My wife is comfortable with the home and family I've helped provide, she has the grandchildren she always wanted and I take an active and enjoyable part in that .

I may be more down the transition road than I thought, I realise this by reading some of the replies . I do want an end to DADT and all the associated hiding and deceit that goes with it. Only today while my wife is working this morning I have to wash my female items and get them dried before she gets back, can you call that rational behaviour ? I have to accept that Teresa exists and does have a life to live, and now I know that life is as enjoyable or more so than my male life . Is it right someone else has the right to deny that ? I know I only have a limited time to let it happen, DADT or not it is going to happen .

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She denies you rights because you allow her to. You keep saying the phrase have to. Have to because the consequence of doing what you want is separation, I get that. At the same time though, you are forcing her, or would into a lifestyle she cannot handle. There are those women who do not have a problem with it, but they are more the exception than the rule. It isn't about them trying harder. They for whatever reason don't need the masculinity to be present at all times, or maybe even any of the time. Most however do.

You keep banging up on this impasse, and I just don't ever see that changing. You can't base this off those who for whatever reason are the exception. You can't base this off any will or lack thereof on their part. As much as you need to have Teresa being a central part of your existence, your wife needs a husband who is 100% in the M section of gender. There is nothing wrong with what you need. Nothing wrong with who you are. No, you shouldn't be forced to hide or compromise so much of yourself. But, the same goes for her from you. As much as you feel controlled and unable to freely be who you are, your wife would feel equally so if you were to be who you are and do whatever it is and appear however you wish to. It's simply not a relationship she can ever feel comfortable in. Most can't. It's just how most people are wired.

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I asked her what's so bad about dressing, she said it's a big turn off.

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That is understandable. You would be turned off by a wife with a mans haircut, hairy armpits and legs, and dressing mostly in men clothes.
Many of the problems I read here involve CDers who want to dress in front of their wife and kids, and run around the house in a dress and heels. In many cases, a wife or SO might agree to a DADT situation, if she doesn't have to see it. Half a loaf, is better than no loaf!

Melanie has a good point, too many times we don't try to see it from the other point of view.

Hi Judy,

Pretty similar situations for sure. I told my wife I cannot purge. I don't want to lie anymore. We're just going to have to work something out and I hope you and your wife will too.

Sounds like neither of us are going to be satisfied with purging. I know me and I've been like this my entire life and it has gotten much stronger with age and the time and place to go out. I don't think I could keep a promise to not go out either. Going out is very fulfilling to me now and acceptance by people validates my feminine side.

My wife is also very controlling. But, she needs to understand that me stopping is akin to me cutting off an arm to please her. It just doesn't make sense.

She is also a devout Christian and feels it's against the bible. My therapist is also Christian and she made the point that God made me the way He wanted to. Accept it, period.

I made the point to her as well that NOBODY wants to be like us, we just are. Who would want the extreme issues we bring upon ourselves? So therefore, it is who we are and we can't just change. For me, especially as I've gone so far down the road of being Christina. The cat's out of the bag. I'll never get her back in. We'll just have to compromise via negotiation in front of a counselor so it doesn't get out of hand.

Good luck with your wife, I know I need it with mine.

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Originally Posted by MelanieAnne

That is understandable. You would be turned off by a wife with a mans haircut, hairy armpits and legs, and dressing mostly in men clothes.
Many of the problems I read here involve CDers who want to dress in front of their wife and kids, and run around the house in a dress and heels. In many cases, a wife or SO might agree to a DADT situation, if she doesn't have to see it. Half a loaf, is better than no loaf!

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The half loaf is sort of the way I see it. It isn't a perfect solution, but still better than the previous circumstance of hiding and lies and all that fun stuff. I think for some of us, we are banging up against a brick wall. Too many years have gone by, our partners grew up in a world of non acceptance, and we never showed them anything to be accepting of. And now after ALL these years we throw the ultimate knuckleball at them. I am pretty much certain that had I told my now wife early on had she continued to date me, and then later marry me, her issues of it all would be no where near what they are and have been. Now, she may not have married me because of it, there's a good possibility of this too, but, if she did, the trust, the awkward uncomfortable nature of it all would be non existent. What so many here don't seem to be grasping is not that we dress, or are feminine and whatever else, but that we brought about this, or made a serious sharp turn on this long after the vows. The way I see it, WE who did this need to give our partners a lot of leeway on this.

It's something else entirely if we told them early on and then after the vows they then said no more, or just started to have real serious issues with it, not that that hasn't happened, but it was WE who changed the circumstance completely one sided. They had no control whatsoever on the change of direction their marriage or relationship took. That is a biggie folks, and cannot be stressed enough.

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I know me and I've been like this my entire life and it has gotten much stronger with age and the time and place to go out.

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Interesting point and probably a subject for a new thread. It has gotten stronger for me also. When I was younger, I forgot all about CDing for long periods and was chasing girls.