The man she married. Really?

I AM the man my wife Married,as she knew from the beginning that I dressed.I do always make sure I do find time to be that man when she wants him and she appreciates that.She loves both sides of me and I do think we have a strong,secure relationship

At the outset of our relationship I vowed to her that I would take care of her and would consider her feelings at all times (something I failed to do in my first marriage),whether I am dressed or not this doesn't ever change,so I do believe I AM the man she married.

on a general note,in reply to sometimes misses post I honestly Dont believe a woman judges her self worth on the husband she catches,it surely does them an Injustice,My wife mustve scraped the bottom of the barrell according to that criteria by marrying this Skint,Crossdresser in a low paid job.

:hugs:Sophie xx

I agree that no one stays the same nor should they! If your not evolving yourself then you will get left behind.

Anyway for women though image is everything. Women have been programmed as kids to find their knight in shining armor, marry him, move into a nice house and live happliy ever after.

What happens when prince charming also happens to be princess charming? Her dreams, hopes and vision goes down the drain. She no feels like a failure, failure that she is not woman enough for you that you need to be a woman too. What will her friends and family think? How far will I go? Will I want a man in the future? Etc etc all insecurities possible.

Its been a struggle for me but I now have a supportive partner. But it has it's ups and downs but mostly better. Ever since I came out to friends and family she has been much more supportive of me being angie. She knows she loves my soul and has grown to nurture me to grow up to be a woMAN.:hugs:

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Originally Posted by Angiemead12

Anyway for women though image is everything. Women have been programmed as kids to find their knight in shining armor, marry him, move into a nice house and live happliy ever after.

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While this may be true to a degree for some women, it is a very wide generalization to make. I think that most women know that the "knight in shining armor" image is not realistic, especially as they get older and experience relationships with multiple partners. You are discounting the fact that many women are turned off by other women sexually, and this is the bigger reason for a lack of enthusiastic acceptance and support.

Even if in the beginning of the marriage a wife knows that her husband CDs, but she is told or her understanding of it is at best superficial (having had no prior exposure) and she believes that her husband is fundamentally a guy who occasionally dresses in order to get in touch with his softer side, and then as time passes she comes to realize that his femme identity is much deeper, she will have trouble dealing with this. I'm not saying that she can't, just that she is discovering that something fundamental about her husband has changed. The behaviors associated with the CDing increase and also change (CDing is seldom static and for most CDers it does progress and expand), as does the focus and the importance it takes on in the relationship. In time, the wife realizes that the CDing is so much more than just putting on feminine clothing and this will affect how she thinks about her husband.

Even in your example above, you imply that a CDer cannot take on the manly role in a relationship that a woman looks for when she marries. I've read some CDs in this forum say that they don't view their roles in the marriage changing with the CDing, but many other CDs fundamentally and increasingly want to be women too. This shows up in their everyday male appearance (they become more feminized), in the way they want to be seen and treated by others, and even in bed. They prefer to take on a more passive voice in the relationship.

I do agree with you though that it's hard for many wives to come to terms with the negative ways that their family, friends, and society as a whole view the CDing. In principle people are for the most part OK with it, as long as it is not in their own back yards. :sad: I think this is also hard for CDs to come to terms with and it is what keeps many in the closet.

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Originally Posted by t-girlxsophie

My wife mustve scraped the bottom of the barrell according to that criteria by marrying this Skint,Crossdresser in a low paid job.

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Translation for those who are not from Scotland or Canada :)

Skint: Broke or nearly broke; tight on money; possibly in debt but not necessarily so; not enough free money to spend on non-necessities -- possibly not even enough for a drink at the pub.


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On a heavier note:

The title of this thread upsets me pretty much every time I encounter it, as it implies that any disconnect in the relationship must be the fault of the cross-dresser.

Well, I can tell you this: I didn't know I was falling in love with someone who would turn out to interrupt me constantly (usually between 4 and 6 words in to what I was saying). How long would you survive under the implicit message that your opinion was inconsequential and not worth listening to?

I am by no means claiming to be perfect, but relationships are two-way and partners need to change and learn from each other rather putting all of the burden on one person or the other.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

as time passes she comes to realize that his femme identity is much deeper, she will have trouble dealing with this. I'm not saying that she can't, just that she is discovering that something fundamental about her husband has changed.............................In time, the wife realizes that the CDing is so much more than just putting on feminine clothing and this will affect how she thinks about her husband.

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Totally agree with that. But isn't it equally true about the CD who is discovering that his/her femme personality is more than just putting on the clothes. I'm not making excuses, but just trying to recognise the whole situation.

Not only is it hard for the SO to come to terms with something she probably knows little about, but it's also probably something that the CD cannot really understand or explain.

Over time we find that we may accept who (and what) we are, become more relaxed about ourselves and drop the internal guilt, but are we able to explain what it means? I can't.

I can explain how I feel when I'm dressed, the emotions that are involved, how alive I feel, and that I become the whole me. The why of me being a CD is in so deep that my explanations only end up in some sort of "it just is", even though I do want to describe what it is. (That all sounds pretty clumsy, but I guess most will understand). I am out to my SO and generally she is relaxed about it, but I wish I could explain it better.

Trouble is, if CDs can't explain it to ourselves what hope is there for us to gain the understanding of SOs. CDs may know only too well the hurt that has been caused, but will probably feel helpless to try and find a way to ease that pain and to reassure SOs.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

I do agree with you though that it's hard for many wives to come to terms with the negative ways that their family, friends, and society as a whole view the CDing. In principle people are for the most part OK with it, as long as it is not in their own back yards.

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Add in the negative society aspects / guilt issues and everyone suffers.

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Originally Posted by Susan Dee

Totally agree with that. But isn't it equally true about the CD who is discovering that his/her femme personality is more than just putting on the clothes. I'm not seeking excuses, but just trying to recognise the whole situation.

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Absolutely! I'm not assigning blame, nor am I making any judgments. I'm just saying that things do change. :hugs:

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Absolutely! I'm not assigning blame, nor am I making any judgments. I'm just saying that things do change. :hugs:

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Reine, you are so right.

I think I may have misled you, with the wording of my first para. What I had meant to put was "I'm not making excuses" but somehow managed to type "I'm not seeking excuses". Must learn to engage brain before the keyboard. I have now amended the wording in that post.

What you have highlighted I guess gets overlooked by many. Things change, both for the CD and the SO, but maybe not at the same rate or in the same direction. Any uncertainties are bound to be magnified.

It's never going to be easy, but a troubled SO and a confused CD will need to be that much more sensitive to each others feelings.