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This is a fairly typical sad situation. When I started to crossdress (after about 35 years of marriage) I found I had to tell my wife. She has been accepting and sometimes encouraging. If you are going to keep a secret you need to make sure you cover all bases. On the internet that means deleting browsing history after every session or automatically when you close your browser. I hope it works out for you.
Reviewing some of these responses, it seems to me that things could basically always go one of two ways... Either she says, "Oh, no!" or, just, "Oh...?"
It can't be that I have been "just lucky" three or four times in a row. Either I always pick women who are "cool" with things, or, ones that consider CDing of no great importance - all things considered.
Since they are not "cool" with everything, I think it must be the that "It's not that big a deal..." The only reason I can think that it would seem like "not that big a deal" is... me.
I'm not trying to brag - not at all - but it must be something I'm saying or doing that gets a more positive response. It may go all the way back to dating - I wouldn't date just anyone and I usually didn't pursue things past a second date - usually not past the first.
If, on the other hand, we got along well and happily, we never really stop dating, even though we are married. I've been married now, MOST of my life. And, while I was divorced once, it was not about CDing and we still get along well.
"Honesty is the best policy" is often brought up here when it comes to "telling." I think though, that where it is the best policy is when you are honest with yourself first. If you know yourself and are happy with who you are, that counts more, I think, than everything.
I think that's how I've been "lucky" over and over again; I'm honest with myself and honest with them and that matters more than anything.
Problems that you could have, like hiding and thus, "lying," just never come up if you don't hide in the first place...
You may think you get what you want by hiding, but if you don't hide, it seems you get what you need.
(Lyric credit to The Stones, of course.)
Thanks Rianna for understanding too and your kind words. Its not that I have anything against CDing its just when it is in your own back yard its a bit different.. I wasnt sure if I was going to post on this thread or not cause I knew I might make some upset but I took that chance and I am glad I did. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Rianna Humble
It would be easy to judge you if I had not been in your position :) Fifth-teen years is a long time to keep this from your wife. I wish you the best and hope she can over come this.
This just proves the notion that a relationship is like a house of cards. You spend so much time and effort building something, and at any moment even the slightest breeze can destroy the whole thing. Hardly seems worth it IMO. But I've endured quite a bit of pain and loss for as long as I can remember so I have a grim outlook on "family" and relationships, take my opinion with a grain of salt(and a shot of Jack! Lol).
Yes she very well might have been okay and responded as your wife did. For a lot of wives they feel that the bottom has fell out of their world, I'm going to repeat myself about trust and being lied to, because to be honest it just falls on deaf ears and I'm wasting my breath.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophie86
Umm, that's the oath one takes when testifying in court, not the wedding vows! Even in court you're required to answer only those questions that are asked. "The whole truth" does not mean you can say anything that is on your mind!Quote:
Originally Posted by silhouette
Let's take a reality check here. Are we, as spouses, expected to make total disclosure on every single aspect of our lives? Does any couple, prior to or after marriage, swap complete lists of self-perceived flaws to make sure that there is full disclosure?
As an example, let's consider a couple that does not want further children. The wife realizes that she is two days late for her period. This could be a sign of an unwanted pregnancy or it could be a math error. Should the wife be required to disclose the late period to her husband the moment she realizes it might exist? He would obviously be put under stress which would be pointless if the period showed up the next day. I think most wives would rightly keep this sort of thing to themselves until they knew for certain one way or the other, sparing their spouse unneeded anxiety. Would that be lying? By the strict standards of some posting to this thread it would be.
Now, CDing isn't a single event like this, but each decision to tell or not tell is a single event. Should I tell her right now before she goes to work, or would this evening be more appropriate? How about next weekend when we have more time to talk about it? It's not a life-or-death topic and it's easy to get sucked into endless postponements of disclosure. This happened to me and I certainly didn't do it to be malicious.
Moreover, many of us have a hard time articulating our thoughts to ourselves as they mature and change. I cannot pinpoint exactly when my vague "unusual interest" in things feminine became what is termed "crossdressing." I do know that it was well into my marriage. It is equally difficult to pinpoint at what point disclosure to my wife was warranted. I finally picked a time, but there was always the possibility that I might have been found out before that and I would have been in the same position as the OP of this thread.
From what I've experienced myself and seen on the forum, if a marriage is strong to begin with, it will survive the revelation of CDing and go on to become even stronger. CDing, while certainly hot-button, is just not a terribly important issue when set against the fullness of a marriage.
If a marriage is already in trouble for other reasons, the revelation of CDing provides a convenient focus of blame on one party, but is probably irrelevant in terms of the overall marriage failing. If CDing isn't there, some other issue will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I don't pretend to know anyone elses reasons for viewing this issue as a lying problem when it was an omission of information for personal reasons. Yeah, that's kinda 'cold, impersonal and clinical', but I want to mention something here about how I handled a similar omission (did I spell that right?) in my marriage. It's hard to talk about, but needs to be said.
I accepted my wife, 'for better or worse' when I married her. I KNEW that there were things she didn't wish to reveal about her past. She was after all, from a socialist country with a history of violent repression and vengence against family members if you screwed up. I KNEW there had been things that happened to her that she would never get over. I KNEW she'd been married before in that other country but only knew the minimum about the guy she'd been married to. I just didn't know at the time what those things were that had effected her so terribly. She was after all, the woman I fell into love with. Over the years, I've grown to love her even more despite having found out 25 years into the marriage just what it was that had hurt her so and had caused so much pain in her (and our) life. She'd been beaten and raped by the socialist authorities for her siblings activities and then by her ex when he found out about her siblings activities AND the punishment she received from the authorities for those same siblings activities. Yeah, things were difficult.
In a moment of 'weakness' if you will, she started to talk to me and the floodgates came down. I learned more than I ever thought I would. The onion layers peeled back to expose the delicate, beautiful woman I married and who had carried her burden for so long. She could have kept silent and gone on living life and hurting. I could have stayed ignorant and oblivious to it all. That moment of revelation lasted not just for five hours, but for a life time. A lot of things fell into place, alot her dad had said and alot her brother and sister had said. Then there were those I spoke to who had known her family back in Burma. That made her story a tragic one, but also one of personal triumph.
Mind you, I had cleared the air about my being a CDer a long time before and was astounded that she took it so well. Believe me, my revelation was absolutely nothing compared to hers.
The point here is that no matter how bad things might seem to be, things could always be worse. If you truly loved the person you are married to when you married them, you realized there would be bumps along the way. Some are painful. Not knowing a particular aspect of a persons life or personality is another opportunity to know them even better and to grow in a relationship when you DO become aware.
This won't make everybody happy, it won't solve everyones problems (or perceived problems). It's just another viewpoint. I know I wouldn't trade my love for any other person in the world.
For what it's worth, Tonight on HBO, there is a documentary about Burma called 'Burma Soldier'. Watch it and you'll have an understanding of what my SO went through. BTW, her father was a Diplomat stationed in England for years before the coup. She was raised there.
Consider he withheld this information bc he thought his wife would leave him over it. He understood that it was something very important to her, about him, and this goes far beyond giving 100% disclosure. He snuck around, actively hiding evidence for the ENTIRE TIME they were married.Quote:
Originally Posted by Eryn
You example strikes me as ridiculous, sorry. Periods are late all the time!
To hide something for years, and to take a week or two to yourself to figure things out, are like comparing apples to squid.
What it comes down to is this. You only have one life, and you're only young once. She had a chance to make the life she wanted for herself, and marry the kind of guy she was looking for, but that was robbed from her. No amount of sorrow, truth, or apologies is going to change the fact that she will never get those years back. That's a very heavy thing in my book.
Consequence is real, and in the real world actions have consequences.
I know a lot of ppl here can sympathize with the situation, but that just makes me sympathize with all the women who don't want to date cross dressers. If all you see is a group that goes around lying about who they are, and then trying to justify it, I wouldn't want to date any of those people either! You need to have respect for others, and no amount of word play can dance around that issue. He knew it was a big deal.
Did you know that if you're homosexual, but you hide that fact, you're not allowed to have a top secret security clearance? That's bc you're actively deceiving everyone in your life.
This isn't about revealing that you're a cross dresser. It's about the fact that his wife only found out by accident, and otherwise he would still be hiding it from her! That's not love if you're pulling the wool over her eyes, it's self serving and manipulative. Love is not selfish.
there is a difference between covering up evidence, hiding clothes, and simmply not saying 100% from everything about your past. I don't know why i even have to clarify this last part, but some ppl don't seem to get that.
Actually, there are many who are gay and DO have TS clearances. The reason one might be denied is not so much the lying about it because that could be explained as being 'afraid' of your family, friends, boss, etc finding out. Instead, if you do not want anyone to know and the wrong people found out, your personal life could be compromised and the threat of blackmail could be held over your head. I've known more than one gay person to carry a TS clearance and all three had pictures of their lovers with them AND their parents on their desks. Everyone knew, so ....................... no threat.
I see it differently. The guy she married happened to conceal a small part of himself from her. She didn't know anything about that part of his life so it couldn't affect her. Now that she knows it will affect her, but only as much as she wants it to. If she makes a huge deal of it it will bring the marriage crashing down around her. She can treat it more reasonably and make her marriage stronger. It's really up to her.Quote:
Originally Posted by silhouette
Yes they do. In your opinion, how much "consequence" (punishment) does this crossdresser deserve?Quote:
Originally Posted by silhouette
If the woman knows that the man she is dating is a cross-dresser, they are obviously disclosing, hence there is no deception. I don't see a problem here.Quote:
Originally Posted by silhouette
As Caitlyn already pointed out, the security folks are interested in your blackmail potential. It has nothing to do with deceptionQuote:
Originally Posted by silhouette
I told my wife about what I was hiding, but it was well into the marriage and well after I realized that I was a CDer. My love for my wife has not changed. it was strong both before and after we had "The Talk." Would it have been different if my wife had been a more suspicious type and found me out before I had the chance to tell her myself? Nope, it would have been messier, but I would have still loved her the same. The concept of somehow not loving someone if you withhold a fact from them is ridiculous.Quote:
Originally Posted by silhouette
When things got to the point where I thought the talk was needed I was scared to death that I would lose her. Why? Because I loved her! Regardless of my fears, my wife showed maturity in acknowledging my error, deciding that it was a "bump in the road," and helping me to understand myself better so we can move on with our lives. She didn't feel the need to impose "consequences" on me for my deception. As you can imagine, I am very grateful for that and our marriage is stronger for it.
Given the number of views, it seems this topic is never going to die. Although I had posted previously my thoughts on the postings, some of the respondents really did not get my viewpoint.
Years ago, before I had an inclination to engage in cross dressing, my wife and her cousin chatted away at the kitchen table. I was not intentionally listening to their conversation, but, it was also obvious neither were interested in keeping their conversation private. Cousin related how her best friend and coworker was divorcing her husband, because she found out he was a cross dresser. There was no discussion as to any faults the husband may have had. There was no allegation of violating marital vows. There was no discussion the husband was deceitful or deceptive. No fooling around with either sex.
The husband was cast aside because he liked to wear women's clothing on occasion. Years later when my youthful experimentation as a early teen developed into cross dressing, my wife asked why I had not told her. I related the conversation she and her cousin had concerning the issue, and, how disgusted both felt about cross dressing. Given the disclosure my wife had made concerning her sexual history, I would have expected a different response from her. My wife told me she had wished she never told me of her youthful multiple indiscretions, so she could have played the same trump card. "I married a deviant or sexual pervert, and, it's time to get out."
Given the statistics of the number of husbands and wives who acknowledge having affairs ( and multiple affairs), the spouses are more willing to stay with a spouse who strays than a cross dresser. Nothing has really changed for most of society since the 1950's and 1960's. Most people, male or female, do not approve of men who feel the necessity to dress in women's clothing!
In today's society a person is better off being a gay or lesbian than a heterosexual cross dresser.