How did you come to accept this about yourself?

Good question Paula!
When I wa a younger I repressed, I dated a girl who "turned me out" I think it was fetish related then as she wanted me 24/7 female. We broke up, I never thought about it much until my ex wife. She supported the lingerie due to her dominant ways, and underdressed ensured in her eyes I wouldn't cheat.
During my current marriage, I confessed about underdressing from the waist down, see my signature for full details, and most recently had a moment of self awareness that correlate my behavior to my fem time. So I would say within the last few months, I realized this was who I was and I wouldn't be able to escape.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

The only thing I'll ever say in my Dad's defense is that he never really had much of a chance at being a decent human being. His father was a chronic alcoholic, and his mother an absolutely out of her mind drug abuser. He was just broken. That didn't, unfortunately, prevent him from being one mean motor-scooter. Unfortunately, my step-dad was arguably worse.

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Aces and eights. Sometimes the only thing you can do is play the cards that you have been dealt. It's doing the best with what you've got.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

You have to take all that with a grain of salt though - I am an unforgiving person. It is a character flaw. Maybe Paula can be a better person than I've always been. /shrug

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Forgiveness is like a release. It allows you to get out from under carrying all that STUFF around. It takes a lot of energy to haul around things that are not really necessary to your life.

By most accounts, I am a fairly calm, even tempered people. But, in the past there were a few people that I ABSOLUTLY DESPISED. If I happened to think of them or saw something that reminded me of them, my stomach just knotted. Eventually I came to realize that it cost me a lot of effort to stay focused in that place. And, it would be a lot easier if you could contain anger and hatred, but you can't. It spills over into other parts of your life and just makes a f+++ed up mess.

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Originally Posted by flatlander_48

Eventually I came to realize that it cost me a lot of effort to stay focused in that place. And, it would be a lot easier if you could contain anger and hatred, but you can't. It spills over into other parts of your life and just makes a f+++ed up mess.

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You are completely correct, of course. I've spent many years, and lots of hours of therapy trying to resolve this. It's a character defect. And my Dad was pretty evil, as it happens. Perhaps there is simply no solution to this particular equation.

edit:
I am going to have to try again to resolve this stuff, I guess. Thinking about it, if I am angry with myself over my CD, or come to hate myself because of it, well, that is one of the more likely ways for me to completely self destruct, I think. So I guess I better not do that, huh?

Self Acceptance. These words can mean very different things to each and every one of us here. Quite a lot of it will have to do with the external situation, quite a lot. At 65 i realized i was a cross dresser, only 18 months ago now. It has gone quite a bit farther, but it began with the realization that I was, and this developed into an acceptance that I could live with it and work with it and enjoy it. It was not going to destroy my life as it was at that time. I was retired. Children were grown, Wife would not have to live with her dislike for a developing lifetime, and I could live with her limitations of people not knowing.

Younger people will have the extra burden of worry about the impact on their developing life and their accepting bringing many others into their circle; and they think this should impact their acceptance of themselves. I recognize this circumstance, but would hope that that would have little to do with one's internal acceptance of themselves, only on who else they wanted to open up to. Many feel this is a critical part of their acceptance. I do not. I accept me and who I am, and who I am becoming, and the external burdens are not part of self acceptance if I can live with myself. Right now I can. In the future i may not be able to, and at that point, my acceptance of myself may also depend on my living publicly. That will be a different situation, and right now has no impact on accepting myself today.

Today is important because it is. The future may or may not be, so why worry about it?

Barbara

The first time I put on heels, nylons, panties, a bra, wig and makeup, I looked in the mirror and felt the pure exultation of the newly liberated prisoner. My self-acceptance was immediate and absolute. Reflecting on it gives me joy.

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Originally Posted by Kelly Smith

The first time I put on heels, nylons, panties, a bra, wig and makeup, I looked in the mirror and felt the pure exultation of the newly liberated prisoner.

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I understand this feeling Kelly, first time I looked in the mirror with a wig, makeup, it was as if I was seeing myself for the first time.

Unfortunately, I've had a lot of trouble accepting it from there. A measure of it is good old fashioned guilt - this is liable to really hurt my wife. Since I'd do anything to protect her, I feel horribly conflicted about this prospect.

Part of it is fear - what am I, who am I, where does this lead, can I even do this?

It scares the hell out of me. It's not that I don't like it - I like it enough that it frightens me.

I'm really glad for how you feel.

This has meaning for me. For most of my life I knew I was a woman on the inside and had lost any hope of ever doing anything about it. It was a lost cause. Then last year I dressed fully with a wig, makeup, shoes and the whole thing. When I was done I looked in the mirror and something changed. For the first time in my life I saw the woman that has been inside of me the whole time. It shook me to the core. I knew in that moment I had crossed some kind of threshold and could never go back. I had hope for the first time in my life. Since that day I do not think there has been more than a couple of days I have not been dressed completely as a woman. I am slowly changing my body too. I have lost over 100 lbs, I no longer tolerate any body hair and have shaped my eyebrows. I have begun going out in public as a woman and there are people who have never met the male side of me now.
I don't know where this is going to end up but I know I can never go back to the way it was before that day. Will I end up on HRT? Will it go all the way to SRS? I do not know. I cannot say no for sure anymore and I have not said yes either. I don't think there is any hurry to make any decisions right now, but I know my life is better than it has ever been. On that one day....someone awoke in me. Ellen has been hiding for over 50 years and finally woke up.

First, let me comment that cross dressing will not kill you and it is not addictive. You didn't find cross dressing as a way to substitute for drugs or alcohol. Cross dressing is in us.

So, it makes you feel good because it is part of you and you are finally letting it out. I have never struggled with this part of me. It is. I am a happy, normal adult male. I love my wife and kids and I treat others well. Cross dressing does not change any of that. Are you a good person? Are you kind to others? That's all that matters.

I see where you are coming from about not wanting another thing to set you apart. I am on both sides of the fence i enjoy being different in some ways but not others. I am a very competitive person. I make a living by being different and love it. My paycheck is directly tied to how i place in a sports competition so my differences have provided me a job. The frustrating part of this is i don't want to be different than the women i emulate. I would want nothing more than to fit in. This is a very addicting hobby. I dont know that i do completely accept this about myself. I probably treat it the same way i treat my health try to know what i can about it, dont ignore, it but dont be so obsessed i forget to live my life

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Originally Posted by Michelle M

Paula,

Your issues are not unique. Many of us have been struggling, just like you.

Substance abuse is the wrong answer to every problem. I've been there too, I know.

If you want your wife to know, tell her. If not, don't tell her. Be advised, she will probably find out at some point.

This has been a part of my life since childhood. I was always there, but was allowed very little time for exploration. Only in the last two years have I had the opportunity to really come out and interact with the world.

I had a needy wife and three children in school, and I settled into a life of work, pay the bills, make sure the kids are provided for, then drink all night to forget my problems. Well, the "problem" didn't go away. I, Michelle, was the problem.

It's almost like two personalities, only you're a single personality with more than one face. I have now accepted my other half, and am exploring the world that this has to offer.

So, what's wrong with being different? I tried to conform for years, and it didn't work. So, I'm different. I don't fit in. I'm the only one on the job site with pretty hair and fingernails, and who walks gracefully. Well, Einstein didn't fit in. Alexander Bell, Napoleon Bonaparte (would probably be on this site), Bill Gates. Didn't fit in. I will be happy to join that club.

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Michelle, I admire your outlook. Sometimes I wish I could go full time, other times I wish the opposite. I accept that I am who I am, bi-gendered or whatever term you wish to use. I wish I didn't feel I had to hide it from everyone but the wife.

Crossdressing had contributed to my lifetime of low self esteem. Growing up in the 50's and 60's when society labeled you as a bad person, pervert, ect. has had an enormous effect on how I view myself. I've never wanted to be different. I just wanted to be a guy like all the other guys I knew and I've never felt that I measured up to everybody else. I know its all in my head and I wish I had told my parents or a counselor when I was growing up instead of keeping it all inside. I've accepted it but I'll never really embrace it and be happy with the way I am.

You know something - I think I might be getting someplace in terms of self acceptance.

I've been thinking about how hard I've tried to fit in as one of the guys. I never have fit in well with other men. I mean, it's always been a struggle. I'm *really* bad at it.
Well, the obvious explanation that I've been trying to avoid is that I'm not actually one of the guys. I'm a girl - at least on the inside.

It's weird - this is an enormous relief, realizing this. I should feel sad, or angry, or ashamed or something. It's how I've felt before.

But I don't feel those things - I think this is the funniest damned thing that has ever happened to me. I'm really, really bad at this, and thinking back on my attempts to hide this - it's just funny. When I've felt sorry for myself, I've said stuff to myself like "I'm tired of being God's comic relief." But you know something? Even if I am the comic relief, I don't care, because when I step back and look at it, it really is pretty funny.

I'm sure, as realities set in, and the problems of "well, OK then, so I'm a girl. Now what? Don't look much like one. Nobody thinks of me that way. Don't know how to act like one." as well as myriad other problems, that I won't feel quite so sanguine about this.

But right now, today anyway, I feel a lot better.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

I'm sure, as realities set in, and the problems of "well, OK then, so I'm a girl. Now what? Don't look much like one. Nobody thinks of me that way. Don't know how to act like one." as well as myriad other problems, that I won't feel quite so sanguine about this.

But right now, today anyway, I feel a lot better.

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I remember saying those words just to myself just a few months ago, "I'm a woman." I'd been in complete denial before that. I'd never CDed before or had any conscious inking that I was TGed. But I'd clearly been broken all my life, broken in too many ways to list, things like my sexuality, self-esteem, etc. This epiphany was scary at first, but has become one of the most wonderful things that's ever happened to me. Like you, I've never related to men, etc. And so now, I'm on to "Now what?" including CDing. It's very exciting.

Welcome to yourself!

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

I did learn something too. The male side of my personality is kind of a drag. He's all about anger, fear, and worry. I guess those are useful sometimes, but my goodness, what a killjoy!

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This is extremely telling. What is Paula like? Is she a happy person? Wouldn't your wife like you to be happy? If she loves you, then it ought to be high on her list. You might be surprised. Your happiness is going to affect everyone around you. Life's too short to spend it in the closet. You deserve to discover who you really are, and be that person.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

...if I am angry with myself over my CD, or come to hate myself because of it,...

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I can't help but wonder if your character flaw of inability to forgive is aimed squarely at you here. Are you torturing yourself? Maybe the first person you need to forgive is yourself.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

Unfortunately, I've had a lot of trouble accepting it from there. A measure of it is good old fashioned guilt - this is liable to really hurt my wife. Since I'd do anything to protect her, I feel horribly conflicted about this prospect.

Part of it is fear - what am I, who am I, where does this lead, can I even do this?

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I would recommend approaching the subject in a neutral conversation, ie without telling her about you specifically. See how opposed to CD/TG she is. Then argue in the defensive to the best you can without being obvious. Be prepared. Get the facts, good anecdotes, etc. Work on her over time. Perhaps invent a CD friend you're sympathizing with as a conversation tool. Maybe you can humanize the issue that way before breaking the real topic.

For me, I agonize over coming out, but it was the best thing I ever did for our relationship, and my wife and I have never been closer.

The only way that you will know if it is something that you need for a new fix or if it is really part of you is time and in that time if you accept it then that is possibly telling you that it is part of you but at the moment you may be just experiencing the affect of catch-up time which might show it's self from the want/need to wear clothe's of a much younger age group from what you actually are although most like to try and look younger than we are :heehee:.
One thing I can tell you with a certainty is that it is nothing like having a terminal cancer as you most definitely do not get a fix when you are told about that and the drugs you take will definitely not make you high if you think they do look up Cytotoxic drugs.

I have been atheist since i was a little kid (that bitch the church school teacher was help me reject religion). Without the impediment of religion i was free to be whatever i wanted, and didn't feel bad about being different in this way.

"And if I'm really not some type of addict, then how do I resolve the conflict between the part of me that desperately wants this, and the part of me that totally hates it and fears it will wreck my life? " Just because you feel the need to cross dress doesn't mean you're an addict. You might just have a feminine side that needs to be satisfied every now and then. And if wearing a dress and heels and painting your nails/putting on make up every now and then satisfies this; then I say do it. If your SO freaks out about this when you do it then maybe she/he isn't the person for you. I think that parents and friends will be more tolerant than most people think when they come out, remember it's not you where but you that they like/love. If someone doesn't like you base on what you where on occasion or all the time, they don't really like YOU; they like the idea of you they made in their minds. Which probably isn't the real you, you might lose them as friends but find out where other cross dressers in your country or state live. From every thing I've seen and read we seem to be very open-minded and accepting people.

Well, I think I can answer the question for myself that I asked when I started this thread - I think for me the answer is "humor."

It is really funny that out of all the stuff in life that I thought was making me miserable - that this is likely the main thing. Thinking back on my attempts to be a dude - it's sort of like that old Kevin Kline movie, "In & Out". I've never been good at being a guy, and I'd be sad about it - but it is just so dang funny. How'd I fool anybody? LOL.

I've spent a little time today thinking about women. I think most of the people I admire - at least people I talk about a lot - are women, one's in my family or in my life in the past. I think if I could develop some of their qualities - not so much looks, or beauty, but other things, like learning to really love people, to care, even to nurture, well, I'd feel pretty successful. I don't expect those things to be easy to learn (and I have a great many other things to learn besides those!), and maybe I've started too late, or just don't have the DNA for it. But I hope I can get some of those qualities - I hope some of that is innate in me, at least a little. If I could be 1/10th the woman that some of the women I admire are, I'd be a much better PERSON than I am today, I know that now.

I don't have much of a concrete plan of action yet. I have too much to learn about myself and explore. The only thing that immediately occurs to me, aside from the obvious topics we discuss here (learning more about how to present as a female, and how to integrate that into my life somehow), is that I think I'd like to learn to bake. I don't know if I can, but two of the women in my life that I very much admire were bakers. (They were a great many other things too, many of which I'll never be.) They baked with love - I'd like to be able to express love that way. It's a silly, small trivial thing, but I think it would mean a lot to me, and it would remind me to be like them in other ways. It's a place to start, maybe?