Considering Transition

Paula here's the thing. It seems like anytime I say anything lately to somebody new in this section they think I'm judging them. I really don't give a crap if anybody is TS or not. You live your life not me. If you say you are TS that's good enough for me. I'm sure I don't make the grade with some of the TS except nobody has told me that outright yet. I'm still going to handle this as slowly as possibe and try to limit the collateral damage for now. I don't need to prove anything to anybody here. I'm still fighting this crap because nobody in their right mind wants to be TS. Just know that if you create anxiety and depression for yourself during this process it will only delay you diagnosis.

Oh.. and I only get suspicious of others when it seems like every post they make is trying to convince us they're TS.

Marleena - I simply wanted some clarification of "the cart before the horse". I'm definitely having emotional issues. I've been seeking treatment for them for a couple of months now, and getting pharmacological assistance for a month. I'll continue on that for several more months. My emotional concerns seem to be related to my gender, as best I can ascertain. What else should I be looking at?

I have been looking for *anything* else to hang this stuff on. But increasingly, this just feels like a cop-out, and more attempts at burying this.

If I seem to be rushing things, it's because seriously - I am depressed, I am anxious, I'm apparently agoraphobic now, and I'm suicidal. I feel like I am going out of my mind, and I'm not getting much relief from the professionals I'm consulting.

My problem is that I present as an extremely calm person, even when I'm in incredible physical or mental pain. I have years of experience at this - I more or less can't act any other way. I don't know how. It might be easier to get taken seriously if I screamed, cried uncontrollably, peed on my therapist's desk - whatever. But I don't. I know me - I will calmly soldier on until I completely collapse. I feel like that point if fairly close, to be honest.

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything - I am trying to get help figuring out what in the HELL is going on with me. And so far, the "slow, gradual process of self discovery" is not doing much to alleviate my suffering, it is generally pissing me off, and it feels at odds with the super-rapid pace at which I feel I am going crazy.

Given all that - yes, I am finally seriously considering whether or not I should transition. My emotional problems seem to be gender related. I've been trying to find ways to avoid even THINKING about this - but after spending about 20 hours a week ago fairly well out of my mind, I think I have to at least consider this as a possibility.

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I'm still fighting this crap because nobody in their right mind wants to be TS.

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1. I'm not in my right mind - I am trying to tell you this.
2. I don't want to be TS either. But it seems increasingly like I am.
3. After my breakdown from a week before this last one, I am increasingly reaching the conclusion that fighting this is probably going to be fatal to me.

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Just know that if you create anxiety and depression for yourself during this process it will only delay you diagnosis.

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I am not creating anxiety and depression. I am suffering from it. It is getting progressively worse. I've been suffering from it for about 7-8 months now. Do you even get a diagnosis out of all this crap? As best I can tell, the process goes like this:

Me: "I think I'm having gender dysphoria"
Everyone else: "nope"
Me: "Seriously - I'm having gender issues"
Everyone else: "nope"
Me: "Really - what about...? (Doesn't matter what I say)
Everyone else: "nope"
Me: "I AM GOING CRAZY!"
Everyone else: "nope your fine"
Me: "What the **** is wrong with me?!?!"
Everyone else: "nobody can answer that but you!"
me: "So again - seriously - WHAT ELSE SHOULD I BE CONSIDERING AT THIS POINT?"
Everyone else: "You should consider why you are so emotionally disturbed"
Me: "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING?"
Everyone else: "you seem fine"

Oh the hell with all this. I'm just going to deal with the fact that I'm obviously going to mentally self-destruct before I figure this out or anyone, including the "professionals" I deal with, take me seriously. Hopefully I'll stay employed during all that - because god knows I don't get much work done anymore, I'm too screwed up to even think straight.

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Originally Posted by Marleena

Oh.. and I only get suspicious of others when it seems like every post they make is trying to convince us they're TS.

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I don't know that I could have said that any better.

Paula, the regulars here don't know what to say. We sympathize on a human level, but speaking for myself, I can't even begin to relate to your experience. I don't like the reference to a "TS handshake" though. We have all gone through some real cruddy stuff just to be free and the only time we ever refer to ourselves as TS is here in this forum. I don't know what's going on in Kait's head or heart, but I have a pretty good idea of the joy and pain she's experienced during and after transition. I have had some epic rap battles with many of the TS girls on this board but you'll notice that we all seem to have each other's backs when the dogs come out because we ALL share one profound experience; transition.

I was just in Target tonight and as I was picking up some Q-tips and makeup sponges, a young couple walked by and the dude said "that's disgusting". Was he talking about me? I don't know, but I can tell you for sure that we would all be better off if HRT screwed up our hearing a little bit.

Don't be concerned about the rest of us accepting you as TS, nobody cares. I've been here for a couple of years now and I don't remember any of us ever asking for the secret handshake. To be TS is to literally travel alone and be comfortable doing so. Eventually, you will meet up with fellow travelers.

Paula I really feel sorry for you. I know the diagnosis and help takes time but they can't make mistakes and you have to be of sound mind, that was my point. This is my second bout with GD so I know a little about it. During my first bout I was so desparate I took my wife's old birth control pills and that's nuts!! It's a good thing they ran out or I could've killed myself, being a nurse she said they contained hormones and that was all I knew.. Anyways I'll shut up now because it appears I don't know how to help you.

I apologize for the "handshake remark" that was unfair, and unkind to the folks on this forum. I know that everyone who's transitioned has gone through a tremendous amount of personal pain, both before they transitioned, during the process, and during their everyday life afterwards. I apologize sincerely for that remark - it was beneath me, and totally wrong. This isn't a good excuse, but I am having a terrible day. My anxiety has been pretty much "shaking like a leaf" all day, despite popping xanax. I had great difficulty today getting up the courage to get out of my car to go into bestbuy to buy a $15 memory card. Not en femme - but en drab.

I am obviously on the wrong forum. I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I have little confidence in the professionals who are trying to help me. They are simply the best ones I can find anywhere remotely in my area. (My therapist is 100 miles away, to give you some idea.) My physician is sympathetic, but he's pretty clueless. (He admits this.) There is one dedicated gender therapist within 200 miles of me, as near as I can tell. There are NO psychologists or other MDs who specialize in these issues within several hundred miles of me. I am probably in the worst possible location to be going through whatever it is that I'm going through.

I apologize for wasting your time.

You're not wasting my time! Find another therapist even if you have to go 200 miles. It's about you and getting the help you need.

Paula, I have followed this entire thread closely. You've made it crystal clear right from the start that you have decided that total up front, perhaps brutal honesty with your wife is how this is going to be and that the chips will fall where they may. Unless I am mistaken that IS what you expect from the ladies here in posting your story? That they be honest and leave the sugar coating and a$$ kissing to the other threads? I don't see that anyone is not listening or trying to mislead you in any way. But there is now a consistent recurring theme here from many who have been through it/are going through it to simply SLOW DOWN.

That is not an unreasonable attitude is it? You ARE 50 and have already been through so much.

If transition is so tough and so horrible, and is going to be worse than what I'm already going through, why is "or die?" such a bad option? I am at the end of my rope. I do not want to live feeling this way any longer.

As best I can tell, nobody knows what in the hell is wrong with me. And at best if it is GD, and needs treatment for that, it takes months and months and months and months and years to accomplish that. I don't think I'll make it.

I had to transition. It has been sixteen weeks now. Living as a man had become unbearable. Some of the things you say sound familiar. Are you in the same place I was? I do not know. I do not know you. I do not know if transitioning is right for you. I am not even completely sure I am doing the right thing. It is your life and only you can decide.

I can understand it must be frustrating when people say slow down when you are in pain and desperate for a solution. Transitioning eased a lot of the pain I had but the problems did not stop for me. I have just found a whole new raft of them. I really had no idea of what transitioning would involve. No matter how many threads you read, how much time you spend on the internet or how many books you read you really have no idea what you are facing when you take that step. Melissa calls it a 'tranny grenade'. That is exactly what it is. It will blow your life apart. But that is not even the worse thing. It is the psychological problems that you face. The constant self doubt.

I hated being a man. The pretence, self hate etc. But living as a trans woman is no bed of roses either. I did not have the complications of a wife. My family and co-workers have been great but it is still a struggle.

Maybe that is just me. Perhaps I am just weak. Perhaps I am not really trans. Just one of the thoughts that torture me when I am trying to gather the courage to face the world as a woman. You may be different. Transitioning my be plain sailing for you.

I felt I was on a sinking ship before I went full time. I had to jump. It was not brave, as so many people tell me, it was survival. All I would say now, having jumped, is do not do it until the water is up to your neck and you really have no choice.

Paula

I take you seriously..

you have to learn to ignore the people that don't know what they are talking about...this is not about just loving yourself as a human being...this is about a very harrowing experience which is the ramping up of your gender dysphoria..

you need to learn to grow an even thicker skin that you already have because if you've made it this far as male, there are not alot of people going to be happy with all this...

fwiw, i was "misdiagnosed" by therapists..disbeleived by people close to me and crossdressing friends that were gently trying to help me..i was also helped by transsexual friends that at first seemed brutal and unfair about how i thought...

so get tough..get serious about concrete real life steps that you can take ...make plans and change plans as needed... even if that means getting more confident with your therapist and making demands that cause discomfort for you...

You are so right that this HAPPENS TO YOU.....there are so many conversations here where people try to feminize themselves into transsexuality and its fine for them...but reading them i always figure they will blaze out...because they dont know what it really is to change your entire life....they don't understand that this crap just happens..or they talk about how they can control it, how they will negotiate it, and sometimes that works for a time too..but it only works up until the point you are talking about where "Crap just happens to you"...

so i totally take you seriously..i want you to work hard to figure this out and decide your next concrete steps to live your best quality of life...you have your own unique situation and your own challenges...transitioning into a female role is a long process that requires alot of patience (even at our advanced age...i started around 47)..

i want you to try to live your current life in a very focused day by day mode that allows you to think straight about your real life options.. whether that means thinking about your finances or your family, electrolysis or hrt, or even a more direct and assertive stance in therapy, its up to you...

the secret handshake ?? its called doing something to live an authentic life and the secret is that its got nothing to do with anybody else but you!!

pls hang in there!!



we are not therapist

So I levelled with my wife today, telling her that my meds had finally kicked in, and I was no longer suicidally depressed, and suffering from panic attacks. I'm not feeling awesome, I still have GD, and will for quite a long time, and I'm sure I'm still suffering from emotional problems, but I'm out of the crisis for now.

But I'm feeling increasingly more positive about transition - I am a woman, and want to live as one. I hate being a guy. I'm not ashamed of what I am anymore.

So that's what I told her. This was no surprise to her - she's long felt I was fooling myself thinking that I'd find some way NOT to transition.

It'll take a while to completely unwind legally and financially, but I'm quite certain now that for all intents and purposes, our life as a married couple is over. We'll still do stuff together until she can't bear it any longer. She still wants physical contact for now - but not intimacy with me. She can't bear that. We are a sorry pair in that regard - she needs me but can't bear me right now. As for me? I have no libido whatsoever. None. My junk still works - I just don't care about it. I can't even think about intimacy right now.

Maybe she'll always be able to bear some form of friendship. But it may take her a very long time to be able to handle seeing me as a woman - possibly longer than it will take me to make the physical changes. (And that will be a long time!)

I'd hoped it wouldn't turn out like this - but the truth is, I can't live my life as a lie anymore. I can't stand lying to people about who I am. I don't even care if they accept me. F them if they don't. I can't lie to spare their feelings anymore - thinking about all those decades of lies makes me just want to vomit them all out of me. I just don't care what they think.

Sadly, I DO care what my wife thinks. Which is why doing this to her hurts so much. I know I'm not really doing this TO her, bad stuff happens to good people. Still, I hate like hell what this is putting her through. My god, I wish I could spare her. But I can't. I can't lie anymore, even to spare the one I love the most. I just can't do it.

Paula, You have my complete support in whatever YOU choose to do. I chose my path on my own. Not exactly the textbook approach but at almost 50 and starting my life over due to other circumstances, I don't need to live forever. My back is going to cripple me at some point (hopefully not for a few years) and I've spent enough time working nursing homes to know exactly how I DON"T want to live. So if I can transition, love my life for whatever is left and have a great time, then that's what I'm going to do. I've been around enough drag girls that didn't rely on therapists and doctors and look better than a whole lot of GGs. Keep your head up and your heart strong.

After reading this thread I feel very sad that you and so many of us have to go through all of this pain. I am just beginning to feel it and hope it does not take me to the point where ending my life would be the better option than continuing to live.
Paula just keep on fighting.

Hang in there Paula, just know that there are others out there that feel the same way you do, including myself i am just like you i knew something was wrong with me in a sense like there was a peice of the puzzle that was missing in my life i felt incomplete for a long time and i couldnt figure out why ive always subconciously hated myself, my body and who i am although i learned to cope with it cause i thought i had to but i found out that i can live a life as a woman and thats all ive ever wanted i am on the path to transition despite my Dad the person i love most in my life that i might lose but i have to be me i cant live for anyone else and you shoudlnt either be true to yourself and others that truly love you will be true to the real you dont give up i am here for you.

Paula, glad to hear you are feeling better. I wish you well with your relationship with your spouse.

Sometimes it has to get bad before it gets better.

Paula this is a heartwrenching moment in many of our lives. Some people spend all their energy avoiding it...perhaps thats what you've been doing...

hopefully you will find that just deciding will free some of your mind and energy to develop a positive mindset that will comfort those around you, even your wife if she will let you...

for what its worth, its your life..its her life...you can try to stay together...altho my wife moved on very quickly, we are now as close as we ever where, and there are times when we both wonder if we could have come to an "Arrangement"

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

My problem is that I present as an extremely calm person, even when I'm in incredible physical or mental pain. I have years of experience at this - I more or less can't act any other way. I don't know how. It might be easier to get taken seriously if I screamed, cried uncontrollably, peed on my therapist's desk - whatever. But I don't. I know me - I will calmly soldier on until I completely collapse. I feel like that point if fairly close, to be honest.

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Paula I've read this entire thread over from the beginning this morning and the quoted comment is the only statement you've made so far where you asserted what your problem definitely is. I'm not saying that you are or aren't TS. I'm imploring you to listen to yourself here. I'm familiar with dealing with handicaps. My situation is not the same as yours (nor is it related to gender expression) in public I feel the constant attention that an unmistakeable handicap causes. I feel this gives me some perspective on this, particularly about the recognition of how we deal with this issue.

When we are the focus of an inordinate amount of attention due to something beyond our control it is not uncommon to seek equilibrium by trying to find a balance. When almost EVERYONE looks at you differently, we learn to provide very little to no stimulus for them to react to beyond the initial recognition. It is by projecting back to the person a centered, calm aura and a look that says "I am fine" that we find balance in this situation. This turns a stare into a glance, and relieves our discomfort. (I'm speaking for me only, but have noticed this about many people in this situation before)

Please reread your quote above now. Is there a link here? It seems to me there could be.

Habits are so hard to break, especially those from our childhood before our brains were matured and our thought processes were those of an adult. You have been socially conditioned to project one feeling while feeling something quite different inside for a long time. When you wrote about yourself and used words such as sneaky, underhanded, and clever perhaps it reflects your ability to not emote your feelings? To not expose yourself socially, to mislead people about your feelings? I'm not judging, please no offense is meant. Is it possible that this internalized coping mechanism is part of the reason why your anxiety builds and builds due to the trouble you're having expressing your emotions until it is unmanageable and spews out without control?

I can't see through your eyes or feel your thoughts, only offer my perspective. I am not the only person in this thread that has noticed that you seem to seek permission for your conclusion about what your feelings mean. Let me emphasize that I have no preference at all whether you are ts or not. However your writing does give myself and others the definite impression that you are trying to convince us or yourself. I'm simply addressing the need for approval and permission, not making a judgement on whether you are ts or not, it's obvious gender issues of some sort are at play.

No one can give you permission or acceptance except yourself. There is no safety or security in any other label than being simply "you". It is very, very difficult to know who you are if you first have difficulty expressing yourself. Self-expression is how we learn the difference between temporal and ever-changing feelings and who we really are. WE ARE NOT OUR FEELINGS, but we can never know who we are if we can't express our feelings and look for patterns and causes.

I mention this because in one of your previous posts you said that you had been happy for 20 years previously. This is not a common thing to hear in a transsexual's narrative. Nor does it mean that you might not be ts.

I think it's important to narrow your focus to the fact that altering your gender expression aleviates the distress you feel in public since you state that you are agoraphobic as a male yet are comfortable in public as a female. Do people call you ma'am and genuinely see you as a woman or as a cross dresser or transsexual? You are perceived differently and this difference makes you feel good. For whatever reason this gives you relief from your anxiety and that is a good thing.

Presenting as a woman in public and feeling less anxiety does not necessarily mean you are TS. Doesn't mean you aren't either. I urge you to take Kaitlyn's advice and work on concrete steps to solve your problems incrementally, Rome wasn't built in a day and you won't become a woman overnight, it is a long process that starts with simple actions. Harry Benjamin offered a very keen insight in his book that I have used to keep a clear head during what has been a long process getting to the point I am at now
"There is hardly a person so constantly unhappy (before sex change) as the transsexual. Only for short periods of his (or her) life, such as those rare moments of hope when a conversion operation seems attainable or when, successfully assuming the identity of a woman in name, dress, and social acceptance, is he able to forget his misery."

If this applies to you then Kaitlyn's advice is perfect to help you make this SEEM ATTAINABLE and your anxiety should decrease. No matter how many people on this fourm or in your life say "I think you are TS" it still won't seem attainable to you until you quit looking for permission from anyone other than yourself. You have mentioned a couple times in this thread that your wife fully expects you will transition and I found that interesting that you wrote it as you did. If it's a case of convincing her that you are ts to get her permission then please address this with a therapist because this need could cause other problems for you later. Can you work with a therapist and learn better communication methods to solve the problem in your quote at the top? You need a clear head right now. If you're still feeling anxiety it doesn't mean that you aren't TS, but there are other things to work on that will be easier now than later.

I encourage you to find a gender therapist who can help you, and be completely and totally emotionally bare with them. There are many therapists who will work over skype and perhaps this would be the best way to begin because it is much easier to be vulnerable to a webcam and a stranger you will never meet in person.

This is only meant to try and help and to raise points that hadn't been addressed yet. I want to make clear that it is only my conjecture and may or may not be true. I hope that you find a path to peace and happiness no matter the destination.

Love,
Mary

Thanks Mary. Actually I've been working with a therapist, and while I wrote what I thought my problem was, above, I really think, now that I'm a little more clear-headed, that my problems are these:
1. I am pretty much a classic 50 year old TS. I was reading Anne Vitale's book last night, and her example of someone my age could've been me, except the anxiety disorder of the patient in the book is worse than mine. (Which is horrible to consider, honestly.)
2. My GD is causing panic disorder, and something like generalized anxiety disorder. I'm *not* thinking clearly. (Well, I think my meds are finally helping now, and acceptance that I'm TS is also helping. But when I started this thread, I was NOT in good shape!)
3. I'm actually pretty stable for someone in my condition. That's not implying that I'm in good shape at all - just that I could be way worse than I am. However, one of the symptoms of anxiety disorders is the feeling that you are going crazy. I had that in spades.,

I'm not really looking for permission from anyone to be TS. Quite the opposite - this has been an awful thing to go through, and it will end my marriage. I keep hoping to find a way for this to not be true. I guess maybe I'd hoped for some confirmation that "yep, sounds like your TS" because I've had so much trouble accepting this about myself.

But the fact is, I am TS. I've known this since I was a kid. My family, my hosptilization, and especially my Dad made it pretty clear I needed to suppress this stuff, and gave me lots of tools to do it. I naturally look to accomodate others first. (This adds to my anxiety disorder, btw.)

But there is no longer any doubt in my mind that I'm TS, and that I'm going to pursue transition. My physical handicap is convolved in this, and has made diagnosis of this difficult through my life, and given me an awesome scapegoat for denial to use.

As for my happy marriage - I dunno, how many people do you know that have happy marriages for 20 years, TS or not? Like 75% of 'em right? No? Way lower? Oh, so maybe that is unrelated. As for "happy", I have been less lonely and had a good friendship with my wife. She doesn't really understand me though, and never has. Is that happiness? I actually feel "happy" presenting as Paula. It took me a while to realize that's what I felt - I don't think I've ever really experienced a lot of happiness with myself before. Nevertheless, my marriage has been the only remotely happy part of my life. It's just been mostly all about my wife. I think even she recognizes this now. I have excellent problem solving and relationship skills - particularly when coupled with giving in a LOT to what she wants. (Not always - but A LOT.)

And since I've really accepted this, and have started to really plan how to transition (I have a long way to go, to be sure!) I really do feel a lot better. I think Kaitlyn's advice was right on the money. And yes, I've been trying to avoid this all my life. Why wouldn't I? Hey, I was born with a penis - I'm supposed to be a guy, right? My Dad made it extremely clear, at a young age, that he'd brook no sissies! Not on his watch! And where he left off, so many others made this clear.

So I've lived my life as a lie, trying to please others, and hide something about myself that I felt ashamed of - something awful. I'm not ashamed anymore though. And I'm going to take steps to finally live the truth. This is hard though - lying is second nature to me - learning how NOT to lie is surprisingly hard. I'll get there though.

I am happy that you are making steps that are making you feel better. You will find a lot of support here. I encourage you to still listen to yourself in the quote I posted only because I do feel those words are authentic no matter the cause. When the euphoria of acceptance wears off any issues that you have will still be there and noticeable again. I also caution you that being in a one-sided relationship for 20 years is not the same thing as having strong relationship skills. Placating someone else continually at your own expense stunts relationships, although it may seem now that it will be easier after a future separation there will still be a void to fill. I only speak in cautious tones because 3 months ago you were struggling to come to terms with being a cross dresser. Best regards and don't let your struggle become your identity.

Hi Mary, I do think you have a point. My condition and many things about my childhood make it very hard for me to say what I want, and to express emotions before I just can't hold them in anymore. I'm sure that's what is happening in this case. I do believe my gender issues are real. I have been trying to dodge this my whole life, I can't dodge it anymore.

My relationship hasn't been totally one sided. I'm not a doormat, and I'm in charge, and my wife tries to make me happy. Problem is, I really never let her in close, rarely told her what I wanted.

As for relationship skills, you have a point, but I can assure you that in 20 years together, there have been many crises, all of them solved, most of them mutually. That takes some skill. The big problem that is one sided is that I'm supposed to be the hoover dam of the relationship- this giant invulnerable structure that keeps everything under control. I'm no longer able to do this - she can't depend on me to always provide all the emotional support in the relationship.

I think I'll have to learn to fix these tendencies. But look, I'm liable to end up as a trans lesbian. I don't have high hopes that I'll find a relationship again. I'm expecting some personal loneliness and lack off a sex life as one of the prices I'll pay. Maybe I'll be wrong, but right now, I can't even think about another relationship. I don't want another one right now.

I will think more about what you've said, I think you are being insightful Mary, and I thank you for this.

If I ever have another relationship, I need to be able to be real, share my actual feelings, and not hide. That will be hard to learn.

Now would be a great time to start working on those things while your with someone who is in a relationship that loves you. I don't mean talk about gender all the time, but start building your relationship skills today. Lots of resources out there or even your therapist. It will only help your transition.

Paula, this has been amazing thread, thank you for sharing such difficult stuff with us. Your struggle brings back in full detail the time in my life when my then-wife and I had to sort out the same questions and issues (in the end I did not transition, but we divorced anyway - by then we'd simply had enough of each other). And Mary, thank you for your sage remarks.

My ex-wife once told me she was grateful to finally get everything onto the table, her issues as well as mine, it helped her to accept the situation and plan her own future. While setting yourself free, you may be making a space where she can do the same for herself.

Paula, I could have written exactly what you have in this thread almost verbatem, four years ago. The path I have taken since then is not the right way or the wrong way, but it is an option. My wife and I divorced. Notice Jackie's comment also. I did regular therapy for a couple years, did gender therapy for a year almost, therapist recommended hrt for me, that was a year ago, scheduled an apointment to the endo a LONG time ago and my apt comes up in July.

I still haven't even started hrt yet. Know what? I'm happier and more at peace with myself and the world around me than I have ever imagined being. I completely restructured my life. I have a job will be unaffected by transition now that will see me through as much or as little physical transition as I wish to do. I'm in a relationship with a gg and engaged to her, as a woman. She knows that I am a woman, and wants nothing more than for me to have a body that matches my mind. We just purchased a house together. I really feel like I am living the dream.

None of this would have been possible for me if I hadn't screwed my head on straight first. I was a mess, honey, you're a mess right now too.

Do whatever you have to do to make your head clear. If you need to wear a blouse or a dress to be able to get out of your car in public, then just do it. If your wife asks you why you're wearing it just tell her that you've been having a lot of social anxiety and this helps for whatever reason. She is not your therapist or support group. Work on being an effective communicator with her and START SMALL. Make a habit of listening twice as much as speaking. Focus on saying exactly what you mean and meaning exactly what you say, don't let anything come out of your mouth until you are sure it follows that rule. This will be good practice for fitting in socially as a woman.

Paint your toe nails today. Get your ears pierced before tomorrow night. Find a nice bracelet that is super cute and feminine, wear it a lot. If anyone at work asks about the earrings just tell them that you have always wanted them and now you finally don't care what anyone thinks.

Keep a journal everyday before bed writing exactly how you feel. Do not share it with your wife right now. Write at least a few paragraphs every day. Don't analyse, just record your feelings from the day, it's okay if they're contradictory.

Keep posting here and going to therapy. Do this for a month and try not to talk to your wife about gender. Get your head clear and just work on making sure every day is a good normal day. Start making your transition plans. Don't completely blow up your marriage today in order to release all those gender dysphoric feelings, you can always split amicably in a few days, weeks, or months. Buy a book on relationship skills and effective communication and read at least a chapter every day.

This is my opinion based on my experience only. You have gender issues to sort out nodoubt, but you also have lots of other issues to sort out right now too. You need to take a crash course on who you are and what your needs are and how to get them met effectively . You need to learn how to pay attention to your feelings and then analyse them later and look for patterns to know yourself. Consider all this part of the transition and it starts now.

If your wife asks you if you are still planning on transitioning just simply tell her that you feel a very, very strong urge to and that you're taking a little time and making some small changes to explore those feelings. Aplogize to her for any discomfort it causes her and tell her that you're just trying to be healthy and take care of yourself.

This my advice, just going off intuition here. Take it or leave it, modify it, whatever makes sense to you. I'm not a therapist, I'm not an expert, this is not the ony way to do this, other aproaches may be better, this is just what seems right to me. there is nothing I've said that isn't easily undone.

WOW.

That's good stuff Mary. :-)