Marleena - I simply wanted some clarification of "the cart before the horse". I'm definitely having emotional issues. I've been seeking treatment for them for a couple of months now, and getting pharmacological assistance for a month. I'll continue on that for several more months. My emotional concerns seem to be related to my gender, as best I can ascertain. What else should I be looking at?

I have been looking for *anything* else to hang this stuff on. But increasingly, this just feels like a cop-out, and more attempts at burying this.

If I seem to be rushing things, it's because seriously - I am depressed, I am anxious, I'm apparently agoraphobic now, and I'm suicidal. I feel like I am going out of my mind, and I'm not getting much relief from the professionals I'm consulting.

My problem is that I present as an extremely calm person, even when I'm in incredible physical or mental pain. I have years of experience at this - I more or less can't act any other way. I don't know how. It might be easier to get taken seriously if I screamed, cried uncontrollably, peed on my therapist's desk - whatever. But I don't. I know me - I will calmly soldier on until I completely collapse. I feel like that point if fairly close, to be honest.

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything - I am trying to get help figuring out what in the HELL is going on with me. And so far, the "slow, gradual process of self discovery" is not doing much to alleviate my suffering, it is generally pissing me off, and it feels at odds with the super-rapid pace at which I feel I am going crazy.

Given all that - yes, I am finally seriously considering whether or not I should transition. My emotional problems seem to be gender related. I've been trying to find ways to avoid even THINKING about this - but after spending about 20 hours a week ago fairly well out of my mind, I think I have to at least consider this as a possibility.

I'm still fighting this crap because nobody in their right mind wants to be TS.
1. I'm not in my right mind - I am trying to tell you this.
2. I don't want to be TS either. But it seems increasingly like I am.
3. After my breakdown from a week before this last one, I am increasingly reaching the conclusion that fighting this is probably going to be fatal to me.

Just know that if you create anxiety and depression for yourself during this process it will only delay you diagnosis.
I am not creating anxiety and depression. I am suffering from it. It is getting progressively worse. I've been suffering from it for about 7-8 months now. Do you even get a diagnosis out of all this crap? As best I can tell, the process goes like this:

Me: "I think I'm having gender dysphoria"
Everyone else: "nope"
Me: "Seriously - I'm having gender issues"
Everyone else: "nope"
Me: "Really - what about...? (Doesn't matter what I say)
Everyone else: "nope"
Me: "I AM GOING CRAZY!"
Everyone else: "nope your fine"
Me: "What the **** is wrong with me?!?!"
Everyone else: "nobody can answer that but you!"
me: "So again - seriously - WHAT ELSE SHOULD I BE CONSIDERING AT THIS POINT?"
Everyone else: "You should consider why you are so emotionally disturbed"
Me: "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING?"
Everyone else: "you seem fine"

Oh the hell with all this. I'm just going to deal with the fact that I'm obviously going to mentally self-destruct before I figure this out or anyone, including the "professionals" I deal with, take me seriously. Hopefully I'll stay employed during all that - because god knows I don't get much work done anymore, I'm too screwed up to even think straight.