Aaaaah. Sometimes-miss. I see you are also wise.
:heehee:
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Aaaaah. Sometimes-miss. I see you are also wise.
:heehee:
In early years (after revelation), my wife seemed to have wider swings of tolerance to intolerance. A bit more unpredictable. I think she needs to compartmentalize this and sometimes when out of the box, it can be unwelcome. The degree of her horror and swings have lessened in recent years. Its a gradual process aided by respecting boundaries.
I feel obliged to kind of jump in here as the OPs thread meanders down the "shame on you" versus the "you go girl . . . kick her to the curb" path. I think a lot people here have missed the point . . . the OP is hurting and her SO is hurting. Laying blame on any one party is counter productive and only serves to polarize the issue "you are right she is wrong" versus "she is right . . . fix it". The OP has some legitimate concerns about a sudden full stop reversal and her SO has the right to do so. We should attempt to be supportive without being judgemental on either side . . . once again your experiences are not the same as the OPs and we don't know the full circumstances. Please try to be cognizant of that when dispensing advice which is extreme in either direction. Yes the OP said a few things which she qualified in a later post as not being derogatory.
Lidea,Quote:
Originally Posted by Lidea
I fully understand your angst in this thing we (husbands) do when we have wives who are accepting/tolerating or whatnot. My wife supports me 100 percent and has never stopped thinking of me as a husband/man regardless of how I am dressed. Perhaps that is just her or perhaps it is the type of relationship we have. I always put my wife first but we compromise because she is also cognizant of how hard GD can be to deal with. The key word is compromise not "my way or the highway" in either direction. I find that some people here assume CDing is a hobby or fun thing we do with reckless abandon and little thought given to those around us and, something we can easily give up at the request of our SOs. In some cases that may be true but in others there is true emotional turmoil and just shutting it down can have serious ramifications on a person's psyche. The spill over affect into a relationship should a TG just stop is not going to be all sunshine and lollipops. Emotions of the repressed TG can run from silent anger to outright bitterness/resentment to self loathing, depression and doing something seriously bad. So yes, a TG should put their family first in the sense that they should be there for them in everyway a good person should be . . . supportive, loving, caring, strong. Does it truly matter how they are dressed? Does the person change? Are they less of a man because they wear women's clothing at times? If they are decent, caring and strong . . . presentation should not matter . . . they are the same person whom you married. Now if they are being selfish (i.e., wanting to take it to the bedroom when that is a no play zone or are spending the family fortune on dresses) then yes there is a problem. We all have to make decisions in life, if a GG finds out her husband is TG and an accord can be reached to keep the relationship moving in a positive direction then good. However, if she cannot get past the "dressed as a woman, not the man I married" then perhaps it is time for her to move on and many do. There is no harm no foul in either direction. But to expect the TG to give up everything and truly believe in some Polyanna sense that all will be right as rain . . . not going to happen as we have seen time and time again here.
Sometimes Miss . . . not all women think this way and yes some will. However, that does not make us "abnormal" or "something less of a man" . . . I take exception to those statements and I expect you are just quoting and not believing these statements. However . . . "treat her like a princess" . . . that just smacks of gender stereotyping and sexism. I would never handle my wife with kid gloves. She is a strong person not some frail emotionally unbalanced person who needs to be coddled and handled. We interact like adults, I am there for her in everyway a partner in life should be and she is there for me. If we take exception, we don't tip toe around, we tell each other. I think a lot of times people miss the point . . . relationships are about communication, understanding and compromise. One party can't have it all and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and exit visas are sometimes the only way forward.Quote:
Originally Posted by sometimes_miss
Jennifer . . . why do we always assume it is the CDer who is to blame? Perhaps it was just a saturation point on the part the SO and she has had enough. Perhaps she thought she could deal with it and realized she can't. Laying blame almost feeds into the whole stereotype that we (TG/CDs) are always hiding something, doing something immoral or bad and we better sort ourselves out so we can be accepted. Sometimes relationships are about hard work for both parties and sometimes an impasse is just reached.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
Sorry Bobbi . . . I can't agree here. My wife is not girly girl when it comes to clothing, make-up and whatnot but that is not how I define her as a woman or a partner. To me she is a strong, vibrant woman whom I would love regardless of how she presents or how much weight she gains . . . funny thing we all change over time from the person we married both in looks and personality that is not grounds for kicking someone to the curb. This type of ultimatum never goes well . . . it is best to work forward from a position of compromise and understanding not throwing down the gauntlet.Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbimo
Hi Alice . . . I don't believe the SO is attacking the OP but more so has gone into a defensive posture in order to deal with an impasse. This does not make the relationship toxic but it does point out a serious problem which needs to be discussed. There is still room for discussion, I just believe both parties need some "cooling" time to deal with very huge emotions.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alice Torn
Hugs
Isha
I must say I fel really sorry for you that she has turned and ran. Perhaps your getting to close to the woman she wants to be but doesn't know how to be? You say she just wears pants and has short hair. Has she ver looked at a woman and been attracted to her? She may be questioning her own feminity at the same time you are threating it. Fear is a great motivator to stop someone from doing something in a relationship. Be it change carreers, start a reckles hobby or just do what she think is outside the "normal" events or your relationship. Have you ever talked with her about why she wears and has the short hair. I must say that I don't buy into the story that woman cut off most of their hair because they are tired of it and it takes to long to deal with it. Whenever I hear that I always wonder what the real reason is?? Just a thought
Isha, as usual your post makes a lot of sense.
Maybe my post should have been divided into several PM or visitor messages, since I basically reacted on the posts that other members made. I don't have an answer for the OP. Neither can I say who is right or wrong and who needs skme fixing, so to speak.
As a GG I can just sometimes shake my head at some of these posts, and yesterday I actually felt obliged to not only do the head shaking, but to speak up.
Oh, and being treated like a princess doesn't have anything to do with fragility. I am too a strong woman and I can stand my ground etc, but my husband treats me like a princess.... and I love it :battingeyelashes:
Angie. I can just say that I have had my hair in a lot of different styles..... one of my favourites is very short, almost like Demi Moore in Ghost. Currently it is still short, but not that short. And I definitely don't have uncertanties about my femininity. It is just personal preference, since my hair is super fine and when long it tend to look neglect....
I am saddened to hear you are having such a tough time, Erin. I hope in time you and your wife can work it out. For what it's worth I am in a relationship where my wife fully supports me. I often think that's because I only dress at home and I only dress around her. The kids don't know (though one I think suspects) and Misty remains a secret to the outside world.
In doing so, I get what I need out of dressing and I do it in a way my wife is able to deal with. Something in me says that if ever I were to go public then she would likely not be as supportive. She might even do as your wife and suddenly reject the whole concept. As a result I will likely never cross that line. More to the point, I am not driven to need more "outing" than I already have.
To all that, I have to think of more than myself. As long as I am chief provider for my family and head of household I will do that. It is my belief that it would be incredibly short sighted and selfish for me to put my entire family through the pain of rejection and ridicule (even though much of it would be in a passive-aggressive sense) of me being more out. I know the people in my community and in my life (family too) and this thing we do is not embraced. That's sad, but it is what it is. I will remain a part of the Underground Railroad of support, but I am not an open crusader because my family and my ability to support them means more to me than "the cause."
Again, I hope you can work things out. Best of luck to you!
Erin, I understand about your wife, and the NFL, and wearing team shirts, and also the short hair. Around here, Chicago Bears and Green Bay packers land, i see MANY ladies , and men wearing the Bears or Packers jerseys, hats, t-shirts, sweat shirts and pants, and jackets. And, i see the majority of women over say, 45, with very short hair, in this area i live in. I think it is just a trend. But, like old Johnny Cash sang, in a 1950's song, " I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way."