hey know something Holly.........your OK she is OK ......lol it's "HIM" thats all freaked out .... hang in there better days are on the way............
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hey know something Holly.........your OK she is OK ......lol it's "HIM" thats all freaked out .... hang in there better days are on the way............
You know Holly what I think is the SMOG down there in so.cal is affecting you. So you may want to move to a better climate like Vegas or Montana or Iowa.:heehee::heehee::heehee::love::drink:
Jolene is always a part of me whether I am wearing fem clothes or not. There are times I do not always feel like dressing up in fem either. Maybe if she did move out it would not be such a bad thing.
Jolene
Hi Holly! Nice to meet you. I've never spoken with you before but this agonizing post of yours caught my eye immediately because, dear, I've been there. All of the girls previous advice about seeking a medical opinion is of high importance. When you mention words like "abruptly" and "radically", this is many times indicative of a medical condition or even a possible mental chemical change. These things sometime just happen.....without warning or previous symptoms.....so seeking a medical opinion might just be "what the doctor ordered"!Quote:
Originally Posted by Holly
I lost Lisa for many, many months due to health reasons. I had been feeling slightly to very sick for quite some time......at least for about 3 years.....daily bouts of varying levels and locations of pain, no energy, physical & mental fatigue, serious sleep problems, confusion, forgetfullness, "brain fog", feelings of foreboding, unhappiness and uncertainty, etc. etc. etc. I lost interest in virtually everything except sleeping. I would even cringe at the sight of Lisa's things.....even entertaining thoughts of "What a freak I am......how could I be even remotely interested in something like this.....what the hell is wrong with me"? Depression became a part of every day life because when you never feel good, depression is imminent. I went through many tests.....gallons of bloodletting.....all for naught. They could find nothing physically wrong that would show up of any real significance on any test, x-ray, cat-scan, etc. The doctor finally said fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome.....an unofficial diagnosis because no definitive test exists for "official" diagnosis and there's no cure either. Treatment of symptoms led to very temporary "ok" periods but not ok enough to resume my former life or return to who I was.
I finally took the doctors advice to see a specialist.....a rheumatologist.....who can and will run extensive specialized tests that regular doctors can't or won't run, if for no other reason, they just don't have the in-depth knowledge a specialist has. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE! To make this long story short, I was "officially" diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia and chronic Epstein-Barr virus. A rheumatologist is fully qualified to make these kinds of diagnosis based on certain test results and the elimination of many other conditions/diseases these mimic. By the same token, they are also fully qualified to try alternative or experimental treatments for relief of symptoms......still no cure, but making you feel alive again. Either of these conditions alone could be bad enough for some people but I'm lucky enough to have all 3. For some, these are debilitating but, thankfully, I never approached that level. Further, it seems that the chronic Epstein-Barr (basically recurring bouts of mononucleosis) may actually be the trigger for the other two. This was all discovered just this year in June by my rheumy and Lisa finally started coming back in July. She is, by no means, all the way back and may never be but she is slowly but surely coming back to life and I am enjoying her presence again. I thought she was gone forever and, at one point in this whole drama, I didn't care if she ever returned!
I guess the bottm line of this whole long, drawn out post is that you owe it to yourself and those you love and who love you to get checked out. It may just be one of those unexplainable "coming and going" things others have mentioned or it might just be something real that can be treated. Either way, please let us know which direction you go with this and how things are going for you!!!!!
With gentlest of hugs,
Lisa
P.S. Sometimes you have to MAKE you own fairness in life!
Wow. I am overwhelmed. And quite humbled. Once again, I can't begin to tell you... all of you, how you have you have touched me.
Okay, time for another "update." I still feel abandoned, but the hopelessness is dissipating. My wife and I had quite a long discussion last night. She is a rock. We talked about the here and now; she is as unhappy with Holly's departure as I am. I'm not nearly as nice without her influence:eek:. We then explored the future and what changes may be in store when I retire at the end of this year. Many of you have suggested that this life-change could be at least a catalyst for what has happened to me. Fair enough. HTGurl (my wife) asked me a little over a week ago if I planned to dress "more often" when I left work. I said yes I was planning on it. She said fine, just keep it out of sight from the neighbors. Not a problem as that is the environment under which we have been operating all along. A dear friend (Mae) and I were chatting last night and this was brought up. "How much is more," I was asked? Did we both have a clear understanding of exactly what that meant? Good question. So part of last night's conversation was spent talking that out. And we both were able to come to a clear understand of what "more" meant. "Holly, did you hear that? Holly?" Nothing.
So... no worse off than before. BUT... last night before going to bed, I saw some of my Victoria's Secret lip-gloss (Mango Madness) sitting on the counter and I thought I wonder what it would feel like? So I put some on :D. It didn't suck :heehee:. "Holly? Are you lurking in there?"
Then this morning I answered a post in the Out and About section. After I clicked the submit button, I re-read what I had written... It sounded a lot like... HOLLY?!?! No, she's still not present like she used to be. But I sense she's there. I don't know why she is hiding, but she's there... there's hope.
Bay girl - I know it has been said before - she'll be back. 10% she will be back.
Holly, I don't know you, haven't talked to you. I do understand what has happened, somewhat.
Holly is seeking shelter from the unknown.
Retirement is a life changing event. It rivals a first kiss, graduation, first job, marriage, children, they all have an impact on our female counterparts.
Retirement is the last hurdle. You don't necessarily know what is on the other side. It can be very intimidating.
Holly is hiding til she sees what is known. A defense mechanism.
Nothing to worry about.
Don't push her. She will come with time. As you develop a sense of what your retirement will be like, i.e. travel, part-time jobs, hobbies, etc., Holly will grow more secure with the enviroment and begin to appear.
When she does, don't rush. Relax and let her emerge at her pace.
I think you will be surprised at how quickly she returns once you grow at ease with retirement.
I can attest to this.
It happened to me and still does some with me line of work. It is very seasonal. For a while Sabrina hide, afraid of the insecurity of the season.
Fall thru spring would drive her away, until I realized there was opportunity during this time for her to emerge.
Slowly she stuck her leg out, then her head and now she has returned with a greater confidence.
Time and understanding of your new step is the key.
Love and Kisses:kiss:
I don't know Holly very well but she has given us much sage advice. I hope she does not stay gone too long. I had alot of mental adjustments or changes when I retired. While my female half was snoozing along while I worked, ending work made quite an attitude adjustment. I mellowed out with that stress removed. A little later on, I had to bring my fem side out and out to the world gradually.
What I'm saying is you can and should expect some adjustments to retirement in your mental attitude. Only you can know whether Holly will be more or less present. Holly will still be in the background and you'll know that after you adjust to the new situation. Please continue to drop by here and keep us in your thoughts as we will in ours.
Hugs Edyta
Holly, from what you are saying it's a balance issue of the male/female energies. I know you have a balanced outlook but you may be ready for the next step which is integration of feelings. It's what happened with me and it's part of growing. While it is good, it's scary as hell, make no mistake, especially when one is a free spirit such as I was when I was Ericka. This is the reason I became Salandra, to help me manage the integrated feelings. Now that I have done that, I've moved on to my real name which is Arianna and this really reflects who I am inside.
It may seem ponderous but with the integration, I'm able to be all things to everyone, including myself (which is really the toughest sell). The tought of being genderless, bi-gender or gender neutral may be scary, especially when we have enjoyed the finer things and looking nice but it doesn't change who you are as a person. Don't worry it doesn't disappear, it's in there like the spaghetti sauce just waiting for you to bring it out. When you do (and I know you will), it will be a completely conscious choice. Enjoy my friend.:hugs:
I want my Unofficial CD Momma back! Waaaaaaaaa.
You may be getting your wish... there are some stirrings.:) I went to the nail salon with my wife yesterday as it was our regular day to get fills. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I re-engage in some of my "normal" routine again it just might "jump start" things again. I picked out the brightest, hottest pink I could find and headed back to the pedicure spa chair and had a seat. After my feet had soaked for several minutes, the pedicurist (is that a word?) began her work... trim and file nails, push back the cuticles, ex-foliate the skin and remove callouses, apply lotions, massage feet and lower legs... all very pleasant. Then she started applying the polish. It's a bit brighter that I anticipated:eek:. When she finished, she said she wanted to do something special for me and she hand-painted some flowers on my big toes... they turned out very cute.Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenda
In the meantime, my manicurist stopped by and looked at my brows and said they needed to be done and went and got her kit. She said not to worry, it was her gift to me. She did a great job waxing and trimming them.
Next it was off to the manicure station; remove the old polish (dull pink tips) treat & trim the cuticles, fill the voids, shape and trim the tips, buff the nails and apply new polish. The polish looks even brighter on my hands than it does on my toes! While all this is going on, two women come in looking to have fills done on some rather long nails. They looked at me and the color that was being put on and one of them asked, "Are you a cross dresser?" Now I must admit that the abruptness of the question took me a bit by surprise. And for the briefest of moments, in light of the last several days, I hesitated... but then the words fell out of my mouth, "Yes, I am." Without missing a beat she followed up with, "Do you wear dresses and wigs and makeup?" This time without hesitation I said, "Yes, I do." She said, "Well, at least you don't lie about it." "Why should I lie? It's who I am." IT'S WHO I AM. Holly is who I am. Wow, talk about a defining moment.
The two ladies didn't stay... they thought the prices they were quoted were too high. Actually we have found the charges for services to be very reasonable. But I am so glad that they did come in. Isn't it funny how things work sometimes. This could easily have been one of those "embarrassing moments" we often fear. Instead it snapped me out of a most horrible place I have been in and reminded me that no matter how I may feel at any given time, I really have no choice other than to be myself, to be true to myself and to be truthful about myself... hopefully lesson learned this time.
The other lesson I took from this is that the truth is always better than the best lie. I could have told those women that I wasn't a cross dresser. That would have looked a little funny though, wouldn't it? I'm sure those two women would have seen right through the deception and transgenderism would have been dealt yet another blow. How much more true is this with our own loved ones?
Things are slowly coming back together. My wife and I left the nail salon and went out to eat at Red Robin. Our waitress Roxy loved our nails (my wife's look great, too:heehee:) and Stephanie, the assistant manager could not do enough for us. After dinner, we went to the $3 movie and saw Get Smart. Life is getting better. Still a few things to get back in order but now there is hope. Thank-you all once again for your support, your kindness, your concern, and your love.
:love: Happy to have you back Holly!
Great to hear your finding your way back Holly :hugs:
Welcome back mum....
Sit down and relax, i,ll make you a coffee and i,ve just bought some fresh chocalite eclairs, if you,d like one :)
Coffee black, please. The eclairs are perfect... couldn't hace done any better myself! Thank-you.
Holly, how interesting to see the ride you are on, I am certain that many of us have been on the same ride for a variety of reasons. This lifestyle can come and go as we all know. The sheer number of responses to your first post indicate an overwhelming level of support for you and all of us that go through these phases of life in our world. You are very much adored and cared for here so keep the faith! Hugs...
I think you need to eat more cheesecake, that keeps everything in balance.
GK :g4:
Karen, you are taking this all much too seriously:heehee:. (Thank-you, friend).Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyKaren
Glad to see that Holly is coming back, l am happy your experience at the nail salon was wonderful, I find it is best to tell the truth when peaple ask if you are a crossdresser, they seem to respect you more. Also glad you and your wife had a wonderful day out, and were treated well by all you came in contact with. Tell your wife hello for me Holly.:hugs:
Maybe the world is trying to tell you something Holly...
"Why should I lie? It's who I am." IT'S WHO I AM. Holly is who I am.
I think you would always be sweet Holly on the inside, even if you decided not to to the outside...
:hugs:
My eyes swelled up with tears as I read this. The words echoed in my ears, and bounced around my head "me too".Quote:
Originally Posted by Holly
I was worried about you Holly. Not about Holly going away. Those feminine qualities: nurturing, motherly, warm, caring and understanding are so strong in you and they can't disappear. Vacation maybe. But regardless of how you felt (and that is what I was worried about), you character would always be there.
So Deborah Jane can mind the door for a while, sit back, relax (is permitted, even for mothers) and BE.
:hugs::love::hugs:
:yahoo:
Holly's on her way back :hugs:
Gosh!
It was one of those little hard flicks on the ear wasn't it, when those ladies in the salon asked you flat out.
After a lot of little sensitivity cuddles, it might have been the little love slap that you really needed.
Now...don't ever do that again! Ya hear!
:D :<3: :D
Holly, I am so happy to see you back!
I knew that Holly was merely hiding and that given the right time and place she would come back. Welcome home girl - we are all relieved to know that things are getting back to normal! Hang in there - the best is yet to come! :hugs:
An Irish Friendship wish...
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Your friends are always here for you - as you have been for us.
Welcome back girl... :hugs:
HOLLY
Glad to see thing's are starting to balance out now i new holly was just alittle tired and needed some time to think and rest
:love: susie
Well, thank you Holly, I needed a good cry. Thank you for keeping us informed, I am sure it was tough to do. I am so very happy you are home, I missed you so much. :hugs:
Holly, I am so pleased to hear you are on your way back. Things would not be the same without you. I am also amazed by the support everyone has shown, actually I take that back, I am not surprised, given that I have rarely been in a place, cyber or otherwise, where people care as much about the well being of others as in this community.
Mercedes XOXO
Without going into details SarahLynn has been off the charts from a serious infection. She has been really really sick and has only now gotten enough ahead of the regular email to visit this site and to read some of what has gone on while she was away. It will be many weeks before she has caught up on all the news. And then she is also trying to keep track of all that is ongoing as well.
Holly I read with interest your first post and sat back to think about what was being said. And then i nearly fell out of my chair. Holly, our Holly, gone? Gracious no, don't let that happen, we need her. And I read with greater interest your explination and felt you were needed even more. I am sure all the others were, as I was, willing to help you through this crisis, if only we had known the problem. And while I did not know the problem existed I would have missed you here when I returned. I am so glad this is resolving itself. Please keep us informed of your progress.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
SarahLynn
Powerful words aren't they: Yes I am. Simple, but very powerful. And to say them, that is something to be cheered.Quote:
Originally Posted by Holly
:-)Quote:
Isn't it funny how things work sometimes. This could easily have been one of those "embarrassing moments" we often fear. Instead it snapped me out of a most horrible place I have been in and reminded me that no matter how I may feel at any given time, I really have no choice other than to be myself, to be true to myself and to be truthful about myself... hopefully lesson learned this time.
I can remember the times I didn't answer honestly when I could have, when I was evasive or simply clammed up.....not a good thing. But that...is another story.Quote:
The other lesson I took from this is that the truth is always better than the best lie. I could have told those women that I wasn't a cross dresser. That would have looked a little funny though, wouldn't it? I'm sure those two women would have seen right through the deception and transgenderism would have been dealt yet another blow. How much more true is this with our own loved ones?
Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.