Came home and all my clothes are gone

Wendy

I have not read every post here, However I will say you certainly both need to talk. I really can understand how you feel right now, and to a point I can also understand your wife point of view and actions too. ie I sit here a 48 year old man, that enjoys dressing up as a woman, even I don't understand it, so I really can understand the difficulties a Woman and more to the point a Wife would have.

There really is two side to this, there is your needs and desires, Sadly many do not understand the drive this "hobby" or should I say affliction, has, ie I had not only the desire to not only dress as a female from a young age, but pass out as one as well (and did so for the first time at the age of 15! Yikes!) I'm not say that as a boast, and I realise now just how bloody stupid it was to do it, but all the same, it just shows how the desire to crossdress and go out, is strong, and also difficult to ignore too.

However there is also your partner, and her fears, Yes what she has done is very, very wrong, but I can feel for her as well. if you have been hiding away, keeping a secret in a way from her, even if she knew you were dressing, maybe what you where up to,and doing was causing the problem ie the time factor, or the fear of the unknown! ie we can very much agree to things, and yet, sadly both have totally different understanding of the meaning of what has been agreed too? ie her mind will have been working overtime, whilst you were hiding away with your "other woman" so to speak.

Personally I see her actions as one of love, over one of hate, ie she didn't just ask you to leave, and she tried to remove the source of her problem. She probably knows she has made a big mistake, she probably hoped all would be fine and dandy after doing so, however it probably clear to her now, thats not the case, so your next step, really to see how she feels about her action, not US!!! ie if she relises she has made a mistake then hopefully that will give you a door to talk to each other, and see how the ground lies, avoiding one another will only put more anger in your mind as time goes on, and fear in hers, so you really need to talk.

All I can say is take time to look at her actions, and the period leading up to them, Was this just a action of malice, or was it one of desparation and dispair, only by understanding how she feels fully, will you begin to understand why, and only by talking to you, will she understand your hurt, and frustrations as well.

Sadly crossdressers are a Beast unto themselves, we live in a dream world mostly of our own creation, some are luck and have understanding partners, others have partners that know but don't partake, others have ones that are totally in the dark. However there is a forth option, and those are the ones that know and are told to like it, or lump it, and you really need to know which one your wife felt she was. if she did feel she was the forth option, then you can start to see reason for her action. (none of us are Saints!!!)

I hope for all the bad in this situation, some good will come of it to. hopefully it will give you a chance to talk, and her a chance to understand we do what we do out of need to do it, and not a need to be different, or deceptive or most of all hurtful. Many of those that have not told there loved ones, do so, to protect them, as they are just totally unable to do so. in reality they have no wish to lie or decive, in the perfect world, we would all be able to wear what we wanted. however you also must understand that wendy takes you away from her, and that being the case, it puts a slightly different light on her actions. therefore as I said the only way forward now is to talk, for both of you.

Good luck.

It isn't love to say "do as I tell you."

I am sorry your wife has felt she has to take this sort of action. But there are often two sides to such a story. Can you think of anything you might had done to give her a reason to do this? It may not even be something you think she knows about.........

Personally I would say it is time to have a long "talk"
The possible outcome being divorce
It is Never right to do what she did
this was your property
her actions showed a complete lackof respect

Jean Ann

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Originally Posted by giuseppina

Perhaps, but if I was in Wendy's situation, I would insist on counseling as a condition of continuing the marriage.

If she insists on someone who thinks crossdressing is bad, then the therapist is taking her side, and that, to me, is a recipe for disaster. No competent therapist would do that.

Cheers
Giuseppina

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Without counseling, I believe your marriage is DOOMED, Wendy! A good, experienced therapist would MOST PROBABLY fast forward thru the "CD issue", and work on the SERIOUS problems in your marriage! Which, U seem to have PLENTY OF!:brolleyes:

Wow thanks for all the support from all of you. Im just taking things one day at a time at this point. Im not exactly sure what triggered this action of hers wether t was talikng to her girlfriends or maybe something I may of left out . I dont think it would of been clothing , Im good at keeping things hidden but I do like to read books about CDing and other TG issues and I might of left something like that perhaps. She reacted very negatively the last time I tried to offer some reading material to undestand the topic better. She did cocede at the time that my motives were from my standpoint were understandable but she still reacted badly.That was about a year and a half ago. I have no idea whats shes thinking right now. Im strongly thinking of asking her about counseling or if she wont go then at least maybe I could go. She went away today to the gym with our son to also swim. I just got done cleaning the house which helped get some tension off. When she gets back its my turn to exercise . Walking for a hour or so with my mp3 helps as well. To tell you all the truth, Im so scared right know, scared of losing my family -job or both.Thank you all--Wendy

Sad to hear. My SO hates this part of me, but she has the good sense to know that clothes cost money! One of the first things she said was, "don't throw any of it away, because you'll just buy more." Your SO might as well just thrown a few hundred bucks in the fire.

my advice would be to get your "Ducks in a Row" so to speak
look in to the possibility of another job check out lawyers
and check on the availability of other places to live
whether you actually have to use all this info or not depends
on the both of you ,,,,,,
but is much easier to negotiate when not in a dependent positinon
level the playing field just a little
just my opinion

Jean Ann

Did you at least tell her she disrespected you and it wasn't right? If she can't handle the crossdressing fine, but she shouldn't be evil about it.

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Originally Posted by JaytoJillian

Sad to hear. My SO hates this part of me, but she has the good sense to know that clothes cost money! One of the first things she said was, "don't throw any of it away, because you'll just buy more." Your SO might as well just thrown a few hundred bucks in the fire.

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Very true about the money aspect. 9 wigs, 14 pairs of shoes, breast forms, make up, etc- its most likely getting close to the 6 hundred to eight hundred range. That hurts but some of my stuff Ive had from many years ago and that actually hurts more--Wendy

I agree with Lorileagh hun! I am so sorry to hear that and keep your head up things will get better!

Wendy, I faced a slightly similar situation some years ago. My wife is now very accepting, but wasn't always so. At first she was, then I expanded how I dressed to be more complete, and went to my first support group meeting. It was too much, too fast for her. She flipped 180 degrees. She left me a typed letter in which she expressed her thoughts.

Following reading that letter, I packed up my femme things and stuck them deep in a closet in the garage, a place where neither of us goes very often, and behind a lot of things that are hard to move, preventing easy access. I told myself I wasn't going to dress in front of my wife again, or in any way that she could discover. I wouldn't talk with her about it, and I wouldn't go to support group meetings anymore. In essence, she would be able to tell herself that her husband didn't crossdress anymore. She could live that fantasy, and I could occasionally get an opportunity to dress when my family wasn't around.

Surprisingly, my wife was mad when she found all the clothes gone from their usual spot. She'd thought I'd thrown everything out. I told her that I hadn't thrown anything out, just put it in storage, and she wouldn't have to worry about it ever again. We didn't talk much about it, mainly because of me. She wanted to understand what I was feeling. I didn't want to talk with her about it. I was deeply hurt, and couldn't talk with her about it without causing pain to her or our relationship. I didn't want to do that. I told her I couldn't talk with her about it for that reason, and because I knew that from her side, my crossdressing was no longer acceptable. I told her I was content to live out our lives with that part of me separate from her, and that it would be best to handle it in that way to avoid future problems.

It took months and months of silence on the subject before there began to be little bits of conversation about it, but in a sideways manner. Nothing definitive, but slow erosion of the wall that had grown up between us over it. We both knew it was bad, we both knew it had to go. Neither of us knew how to get there.

Before I met my wife, I'd finally gotten to a point in my life where I understood that I was a crossdresser for life, and that I needed to have a wife that could at least accept that, not reject me over it, and be willing to maintain a stable marriage despite it. A few months after we started dating, I told my now-wife about my crossdressing. She took it very well, and bought me pantyhose a few days later.

So, here I was, thinking I had done everything right yet my femme side had had a knife stuck in it all the same. I didn't think our marriage was going to end. But, I knew our marriage was going to be different than I had ever hoped for. I was very sad about this for a long time. My wife, too, was very sad. She knew the wall was there, but was in many ways was as scared of my femme side as all of us often are scared of being out in public.

Eventually, the wall came down. We're now at a place where she fully accepts my crossdressing, and often buys me shoes, skirts, panties, etc. As with many of us here, I could wish for more support in some ways, but I am blessed to have her and most importantly; she doesn't reject who I am anymore, but embraces it; all of me.

Your wife has trampled on you. I don't feel she's violated your privacy, as some suggest. I don't feel anything should be intentionally private from a spouse. She did run you over with a tank though, and her behavior was exceptionally negative and disrespectful.

I agree with others that there's more at work here than the CDing being the bane of your marriage. We don't know the entire story, nor can we. But for an egregious act like this to occur, there must be a lot afoot. Counseling is advised.

Time can help, but only if you are both willing to work on the marriage in true commitment, honesty, respectfulness and devotion to each other.

A little four year old is in the balance, and deserves every ounce of effort you can give.

I hope your job situation works out! Western NY isn't the available job mecca of the world, and likely never will be again in our lifetimes.

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To those that suggest it isn't hypocritical that women can wear skirts and pants and men can't, I'm sorry but that is wrong from my view. When women began wearing pants, they were regarded as crossdressing and committing a sin. Some women were arrested for it. In fact, a woman in Africa was just this year arrested for wearing pants. When women first started wearing pants, they weren't designed for women. A man wearing a skirt is little different in that regard. In the historical context, a person thinking it wrong for a man to wear a skirt is being hypocritical if they accept women wearing pants.

Also, keeping a secret from your children doesn't have to involve direct lying. My wife and I have made a conscious choice not to tell our children of my CDing. To do so would require them to lie, or at least keep a secret, during their childhood years when they shouldn't be burdened with such things. Neither can we expect them to keep such a secret. Once the secret is out, they would suffer at the hands and words of their peers. We don't want them to have to endure that. That's the reality of our situation. If you consider an act of omission towards my children a lie, then you can call me a liar and frankly I don't care. You are not me, my wife, or my children and you don't get to decide what is right for my family.

I feel really bad for you girl. Personally, I wouldn't put up with it for one second. For her to tell you what to do is unacceptable.

I'll tell you this, you will never make anyone around you happy, unless you're happy 1st. Is it selfish? Sure. But you have to love yourself more than anybody. Your child may or may not accept your feminine side. Not much you can do there.

I would never be married to a tyrant. WEndy, just go out and do what you please and be happy. I'm sure you've had faults in the marriage too, but this is something that you will never surpress, and you know that. I would rather die than to not be able to be myself and dress. Had I not started dressing, going out, and living my life, I would've gone insane in the last 18 months or so.

Think of yourself, so that you can be healthy enough mentally to provide for your child. Don't worry about her.

Be happy girl, cause you don't want to die on the inside just because she won't accept it. It would be a supreme sacrifice to lay every night next to a person that cannot accept your beautiful inner being...


Take charge girl.


Monica.

Julie, that was the best reply ever! It needs to be stickied with the other "how do I tell my wife" answers.

Your wife did all that to you and still claims she loves you?

Your wife unfortunately has no understanding of what she actually did and that love had nothing to do with it.

It sounds like its time for some professional family therapy for the both of you to find out what love actually is and can be.

I wish you both the best and hope you can both work something out.

You've done something big time to deserve this so stop acting the innocent and 'fess up!
I've only once done this, so judge for yourself.
I was to be President's Lady at my husband's professional gathering. I met him out of work and he said that he had planned a haircut. Two hours went by as I waited in the freezing cold, becoming aware by the minute that I would have no time to get ready; we lived some distance from town and even further in another direction from the venue. Eventualy, I decided to try all the hairdressers. It was a new town for us and most would have closed by now. The last one! There he was, having a colouring and highlights job. It was plain to me he would have trouble making the venue.
I got a lift home,packed all his stuff and stuffed it right under his nose. Well, men can never see the obvious.
He arrived home late. I had no shower and did the best I could with my appearance. I felt hugely humiliated, completely bullied and realised how little he thought of me. He thought he looked fabulous. (He was 45 at the time)
The night went better for me, so well that he never took me again; I aroused too much attention.
He walked past those clothes every day for six months. When it was cold he complained that 'she' was cold etc Eventually I tired of the game. Unfortunately, it didn't result in more consideration.
Do you think I did the right thing? I thought it was the only way I could get his attention, to take my point of view seriously.
You've overstepped the mark somewhere. Instead of whining, REFLECT!

Wow, transference big time.

I agree and disagree with a lot of posts on here; In a way a lot of spouses don't understand the problem that exists because when I hid this part of myself for 3 1/2 years all it did was make my desire to crossdress even stronger than before and less resistable; I have already ordered 2 dresses and some pumps to get me going again, which one of my dresses is comming with some makeup (looking forward to wearing the plum lipstick)!! My wife thought that by having me dump it on the spot it would magically fix itself instantly. My wife did it out of love for me, but did not understand that things as exstensive as this isn't something I can just get rid of because it is now a part of me and this is what I have made myself into. If I were to think back I could probably think of a few times I even tried to fix things the magical way, but that is because I didn't want to deal with the problem and wanted it to go away quickly, but then gradually learned that by doing such a thing I made a mistake and made the problem bigger. She made her decision and most likely knowing that she made a mistake will stand by her decision because that is what she believes was right thing to have done in such an instance and her deed was the appropriate action. I have always read in self improvement books and by listening to tapes that the only way for one to solve a problem that was created at a certain level of understanding is to obtain a higher level of understanding than when the problem was created. I have implemented this into my life and have found that it holds true. If you are even going to penetrate her defence you need to get her to a higher level of understanding than what she has now of you and your current situation as I have also done this with my spouse as well.

I don't see this as being a spur of the moment thing. The fact that your wife gave you a speech afterwards laying down the law and then carrying on as normal without a hint of an apology strongly hints that this was something she has wanted to do for a long time.

You now know that she was misleading you in her show of tolerance. Inside she was chewing herself up, hating this new revealed part of you but yet trapped by her proclamations of support. The more she thought about it, the more she though if only she could get rid of the clothes then this would cure her hurt and demonstrate to you the depth of her feelings. I wonder how often she dreamed about throwing out your wardrobe over the past two years.

The problem is she has probably convinced herself that your femme side is not really part of you, that it can be squashed by throwing out clothes. Two years of contempt has twisted her sense of respect for your feelings. She has a deep psychological scar brought about by the lack of communication that needs to be healed.

I fear that your relationship is on very shaky grounds as her "love" is not true love based upon respect, empathy and forgiveness. You should not be tempted to follow her path down this road by being contemptuous of her. She needs to own up to what she did and to agree to approach the subject of your femininity openly and together. Without this self reflection I see little hope for your relationship.:hugs:

I want to again thank all of you for the responses to this situation. Last night we talked alittle bit with her first saying "well do you want to move on" I told her earlier that I wanted to make things work out between us so how. Things got busy with our son that evening so having a undisturbed chat was next to impossible so she asked that I send my thoughts in a email to her . Therefore for three hours I composed a letter throwing my entire heart out to her. I made sure no possible secret was not revaled and told her my entire history from age 9 and up as well as the present situation and how much I still love her even after what she did. She had spoken the words " maybe a cmpromise can be made" earlier but she had explained nothing more. She hasnt had time to get to her emails , most likely not untill this evening. I have no idea how she will respond. I guess by putting all my cards on the table it can either save things or possiblibly sink me. Im hoping that she will see were Im coming from understand that this person loves her and wants to be at her side through life but at the same time cant just change who they are. Thanks again for all the wonderful insights. --Wendy:hugs:

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Originally Posted by Sally2005

I'm not sure what I would do, but I think part of my reaction would be to remind her hourly for the next 2 months how I contribute and support her and my family and how sad her actions have made me feel. I'm not sure I would accept any response from her other than a full appology and her credit card so I could replace what she took with new stuff. She has disrespected you, not only for what she did, but also for not telling you her feelings for so long. How is she going to make this better?

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I think it's time to make the hard decision. If you think your relationship is worthwhile saving, then you must do everything you can to save it. Even if it means giving up your crossdressing. If you feel that your crossdressing is a precursor to the ultimate transgender decision, then that is the way for you. Either way, you must sort your head out and stick with your decision. Things may change in the future, so hang in there and things will work out for you. Just don't do anything silly.

All the best to you.:love:

I agree with Satrana on this. I would require counseling if she wants to save the marriage. I don't think anything but a third party would be able to get through to her. I hope you haven't made a mistake by putting everything in email to her...you weren't able to trust her before, what makes you think you can trust her now? If she takes your email to a custody attorney, what do you think will happen? You are responding out of love but please be smart about it and watch your back while you're at it...she's already shown you what she's made of...unless something changes, as Satrana talked about, a higher level of understanding of you, be prepared for the worst. There's a lot of people here who feel this would be a deal breaker...she is fortunate to have someone as forgiving and caring as you.

I feel she was reckless by removing YOUR belongings without any consultation.

There should have been some talk about this, and a understanding or a demand on her part..

To remove anyones stuff like this is out and out WRONG..
Especially since she was aware..

I have NO advice about how to proceed..

I AM so sorry..

Hugs
Yolanda

Wendy I have just read your latest post, I wish you the very very best ........... from here on, no matter what, honesty please :hugs: