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Everyone here contributed a chapter with wonderful hindsight, valuable information and answers to many of your questions. I suggest you stay on this sight, and read, read and read. And like one said, talk to him, talk to him, and then talk some more. Thanks for your post. It WILL help others.
Sara, First off welcome to the board I truly hope you will stay around a while, we can be fun most of the time lol.
I may end up repeating some of the advice given here, but it is important and excellent advice. One thing I have not seen mentioned is the one thing that helped my wife understand me and me understand her: Scott is the person you fell in love with, you need to decide whether it matters what clothes he is wearing or which gender role he is acting in. There will come a point where you view Scott as not a man or a woman but both blended into one body and thats when the comfort level of both of you is like a normal couple's would be without the crossdressing aspect thrown in. He might be a transexual person, or he may be bi, at this point he probably does not know. Those may be things that develop over time, and thats natural, or they may never come into play. But the one thing that has come into play is the fact that he felt comfortable enough and confident enough to revel that aspect of who he is and that is something special in so many ways. It may be time to have open and honest discussions with him about his feelings, and just as importantly your feelings.He is very apprehensive and scared right now but those feelings will go away with time. Once you decide how you feel about him being a crossdresser you can help him a lot, it sounds to me like you already know how you feel about the subject and its a wonderful thing. Now the rest needs to proceed at a pace both of you are comfortable with, is it enough right now for him to dress in the flat occasionally? or does he want more? those are things that will develop over time as well, but it takes time. He must be comfortable in his own skin in a way, and thats one place where most get stuck or confused, help him understand what he is feeling by asking gentle questions of him as you go along. When he is comfortable around the flat then he may consider going out with you shopping or he may not, once again this takes time. Notice the main theme of my post is it takes time with most if not all of these issues.
I hope I wasn't rambling too much and that I helped, feel free to pm me if you would like and I will answer any questions that I can honestly.
Firstly, its clearly great that you accept his dressing and will continue to let him do it! I know the first time i ever came out to a girlfriend (well ex im very close freinds with still) i just felt so ashamed whenever i dressed with her. Well that was only over webcam, every time i went to do it in person, i just couldn't make myself do it. to everyone else in person im quite a Lads Lad and would probably loose a fair share of my male mates if they found out! Would i be right in guessing Scott is quite a masculine man normally so feels ashamed of his feminine side? As others have said, the best thing you can do is go give him that big hug when he's dressed and have an intimate talk while snuggled up about how you see his personality when dressed :). Im sure if he truly loves you he will listen to what you say and change for the better. Both of you will enjoy his dressing better when he's assured you are fine with it and still love him in shorts or skirts :) Hope it all goes ok
Pete/Bre xx
I just want to start off by saying that since I have joined this forum I feel a lot better about my myself. It is very nice to know that there are a lot of other people out there who have gone through what I am going through and much more. This is a great community and I hope that you can get the help you need here.
Your reaction I don't think was too bad. I mean to find out something like that all of a sudden you would have to be more on the side of laughing. Kind of an odd thing to just say. Lol. It doesn't sound real. So that was completely understandable.
Now as someone who hasn't come out to his gf yet I can't really say a whole lot. But what I can say is that it seems like he does care for you and obviously you care for him. I think that like Holly said the two of you just need to have a nice night together and ease in to talking about how you are feeling. Don't make him feel threatened by what you are saying. Just make sure he knows that you love him and you accept his dressing but he has to be aware that you are being treated differently when he is en femme.
When it comes to the shopping I can even say that if I were to come out to my gf I would probably still be too akward to do that for a little bit. It would take a little bit of time to wash off the feelings of being shy about it.
But when it all comes down to it the way you have handled everything so far has been amazing. If I could get those results I would be very happy. So kudos to you for at least being open minded about it all and not letting it ruin what you have with someone. Bottom line is just talk to him about it. If he loves you he will understand and work to correct it. I wish you two the best of luck and I hope it all works out.
It takes a while for it all to fall into place, both for him and you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sara99
He could be feeling a bit at odds, being dressed while being with you. One side of him may want to be the guy with you since this is how you've been together so far, while his other side may feel somewhat embarrassed, or she may feel she should be more like a gal-pal friend than a lover when dressed. I don't know any of this, just bringing up possibilities.
Communication is key, and also an ability to be together while he is dressed without having to drink. You don't want to get into that habit.
You may just want to go ahead and snuggle with him while he's dressed and watch a movie? Or would that feel odd to you?
I'm a GG, and it has gotten to the point where I always see the same person, whether my SO dresses or not. And the transitions from one to the other feel so fluid, so seamless. :)
If you're interested in joining FAB, you can click on the link below my signature and follow the instructions.
Welcome to the forum! :hugs:
Hi Sara i have been keeping up with this thread but others here have given great advice.
If i could add anything at all it would be that my wife and i have been where you and scott are now.
Honestly it takes time after telling the one you love most in the world that you are a crossdresser....its like all the insecurities you have ever had about it are intensified and it leaves you in this emotional and mental vertigo. He is most likely going thru this right now. So my advice is,if you want to help him just be patient and things will fall into place. Like Reine says above about the boy mode to girl mode being a fluid transition, as we come out of the closet to those we love it takes us time to redifine who, where and what we are. Because, before we had the courage to come forward with our gender identities we had no one to share our other side with. Over time and communication this awkwardness subsides and you come to the place where you see each other thru the clothing and makeup.
Love Conquers All. Love, Listen and Speak. and above all else be honest about your needs as a couple, even tho they might be personal needs, because you two are in this together..... so Celebrate it daily
a Kindred Soul,
-Donni-
Sara,
There has already been lots of good advice, so I won't repeat what has been said already. For that reason anything extra that I have to add may tip towards critical rather than positive, if so please balance it against the other posts.
In order to encourage open and honest communication, I would recommend letting him know you've been on this site. For a start if in the space of a couple of days you are suddenly clued up on all the issues surrounding crossdressing he may wonder where all this knowledge and advice has come from. When you react differently around him next time he's dressed, I think it reasonable that your behaviour includes your interpretation of advice from this site. Also, he is no longer the one with the secret - you are, so you have the right to unburden yourself too.
The only issue I can see with this thread (that he may not be delighted about) is names.
If you're using his real name (or yours for that matter), consider that one (not the only) reason for CDers having a girl name on this site is just as an alias so that our real name is not out on the internet for anyone to see (the guilt and shame thing again)
In terms of his level of self-acceptance and being 'out' to his partner, while I agree that feelings of self-consciousness and not knowing whether you are 'really' OK with it are quite likely -
It is also possible that he may enjoy the secrecy, and sharing with an SO may not be the experience he is after. Now that the secrecy has gone, the experience will definitely have changed to some degree.
Your level of acceptance and willingness to understand is something that many CDers can only wish for. Therefore to actually get that level of acceptance would be quite a shock. Doing this in secret does provide reassuring boundaries, whereas with apparent total acceptance any boundaries need to be self imposed and the CDer needs to know themselves much better - it comes back to the suggestions of others - in an ideal world how far would he go? Will you then need to reign in the acceptance and agree a compromise that you are both happy with?
Keep talking, and both take it slowly.
Susie (not my real name)
Sara,
I've come a bit late to this thread, and most of what I would have said has already been said by others. I will add one thought though: crossdressers spend their entire lives trying to hide their secret. It becomes second nature to us. Thus, even when it is no longer a secret, it is difficult to be open about it. A few months after I came out to my wife, she came home from work and asked me if I dressed while she was out. I almost lied and said "No" even though I had no reason to hide it from her. I had to fight this instinct and get used to being honest and truthful about crossdressing. You mention that Scott seems withdrawn when dressed, he may just be getting used to having it out in the open. One other possibility is he may be waiting for you to set the tone of your relationship when he is dressed. I don't usually dress around my wife, but the when I did, she would usually ask that we not be too cuddly. It weirded her about a bit. I know you've said this is not the case with you, but maybe Scott is worried that it is.
Anyway, you sound like a very intelligent and caring woman, and I hope that you and Scott can get back to the intimacy you once shared. You may even find that this draws you closer. My wife has often said that knowing my deepest secret has made her feel closer to me. We our approaching our 10 year anniversary, and she has known of my dressing for eight of those years.
Jamie
One thing I don't think anyone has mentioned yet (and am a bit surprised) is how Scott feels about himself as a man. Some of us have/had a poor self image of ourselves as men, and have felt inadequate or unworthy. In fact, it isn't uncommon for some men in general to feel this way, whether they dress or not, and it can cause these kinds of issues in relationships. I'll even go further out on a limb and add that if he has not had much experience with relationships with GGs to begin with this can be even worse. ( I am speaking from experience, I have always felt inadequate as a man, still do, and have had similar problems in my relationships.)
One reason he may be pulling away is that he is ashamed of himself and ashamed for you to seem him dressed, and/or he is not worthy of your love because he dresses. If he is feeling this way, talk to him about it, and you love him whether he dresses or not. He may need you to positively reinforce his masculinity and that he is not less of a man for being a dresser etc.
Hi everyone
Thank you for all the replies I've had since I was last here. Sorry that I haven't replied sooner but yesterday I was at work all day and in the evening Scott is here so it was impossible for me to come online and respond.
Scott came hom from work on thursday and I told him that I wanted to chat to him about this. We are going to stay in tonight and have our chat then. Ive been out shopping today and have bought Scott a present which I will give to him later after our chat. The present ive got him is a voucher for both of us at a salon so that we can both be pampered at the same time and it is valid for quite some time so it is something we can both do together and when Scott is good and ready.
Ive so many questions I want to ask him but most of all I want to show to him that I am supportive. But I do have some concerns. I dont want him to feel guilty or nervous around me and most of all I want him to remain affectionate towards me whether he is dressed or not. I feel really nervous about tonight but I hope that he understands where I am coming from and that my problem isnt with him dressing but how he acts towards me when he dresses. I will also tell him that I realise it isn't easy for him and that I will be there for him always.
Vickie, I think you are right. I think he does feel ashamed. I just dont want him to. He doesnt need to feel ashamed with me. I love him so much and although i know he knows that he now needs to know that I love him just as much after he's told me that he crossdresses.
JamieG, That is why I will give him time. I want him to feel comfortable dressing in front of me and I need to show him that he doesnt have to hide it anymore. I think you may be right when you say about me setting the tone while he is dressed. When he isnt, he is the assertive one in our relationship and makes me feel like he wants me so much. I think that when he is dressed that I have to do this for him and show him that I want him so much.
Susie, I want to show him this thread but I am scared to do so because he may resent me for putting so much personal info on here about our situation. Sometimes its easier to write down how I feel than it is to say it and the replies Ive had have given me so much encouragement. I just needed to talk about this with someone and because I wont break Scott's confidence by telling any of my friends, all of you have been a really important outlet for me. I hope Scott understands that.
To everyone who has taken the time to reply to me I want you to know that I value everything that you have said and your warmth towards me has made me feel every emotional. Thank you. I probably wont show Scott this thread just yet but because you've all been so kind I will promise you all that I will keep you updated. Scott will be home from football shortly and I feel nervous about tonight but also confident that tonight will go well.
Luv and kisses to you all
Sara
xxx
about all anyone needs is love, acceptance, encouragement, patience and time....give him those and all will be well.
We have all gone through this accepting ourselves stage, but most of us had to do it by ourselves. Scott is very lucky to have someone to explore that journey with him / her. I hope everything goes well for both of you.
Scott if you ever do read this, understand you have a very special woman there beside you. She is doing what many women are incapable of after finding this secret out in such a short time. I hope that both of you enjoy your spa time. That sounds like a lot of fun.
Sara, we are all pulling for you and Scott. When you are having your chat with with him tonight, try to ask your questions in a way that cannot be misundersrood as being accusatory. For example, instead of asking, "Why do you cross dress?", say something like, "Help me to understand why you dress." You don't want to say anything that could be misunderstood and shut down the communication. Make sure Scott understands that, "I don't know" is a proper and acceptable response as long as that is the truth. At the same time, you have to be honest with him about how you are feeling. He needs to know that you crave the same affection and attention whether s/he is dressed or not.
Finally, a long and happy relationship is very possible with a transgender partner. My wife and I will celebrate our 43rd year of marriage later this year. The key is to build the relationship on a solid foundation of trust, truth, and togetherness. Add to that a generous helping of respect and a bag of forgivness. now, go out and have some fun!
Scott decribes a lot of what I feel and have gone through: the guilt and shame, the inhibitions with others, the confused feelings... this can be
very difficult for him with another person.
Tough it out: if you love each other, talk, work it out... Scott needs to deal with these feelings... you are a wonderful woman, and Scott needs you,
but you need to deal with your feelings equally...
Don't take Momarie's experience as true for all CD's- Just as with any other group of people you can name, not all are alike.Quote:
Originally Posted by JamieTG's~SO
My thoughts...
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ccepting-SO-is....
Sorry forgot my manners, as a GG I shouldn't say anything.
I don't know what you encompassed in saying "switch roles". I am still expected to be "the muscle", and to pay all the household expenses.Quote:
Originally Posted by JamieTG's~SO
My wife objects strongly to switching roles in the bedroom: if I go to pick up the many books and magazines she has scattered all over the floor (a walking hazard!) she gets upset. Unless dusting counts? She doesn't mind if I dust.
Do I expect my wife to do things "against her nature"? Yes, absolutely: I expect her to leave me enough space in our bedroom closet to hang up at least 3 shirts. Her "nature" is to take over all available closet and dresser space everywhere in the house.
I can say with complete certainty that in my own relationship, I have never been "pretending to be a woman when we made love".
Sara, I've been thinking about your post for several days now. First, THE most important thing to remember is that you are not to blame for any feelings you have. No woman can be prepared for the coming out talk. We cross dressers have had years and years to get used to ourselves.
You appear to be a fantastically accepting women, just as my wife is. I can tell you that even though my wife and I discuss my cross dressing frequently, I still suffer some embarrassment when discussing it or when trying on clothes in front of her, perhaps that Scott's situation as well. It is a challenge to rationalize the man we are with the woman we like to be on occasion.
I would recommend talking about his cross dressing when he is not dressed. Be as open and frank as possible. More importantly, talk about the boundary conditions that make you uncomfortable. Again, in my experience, I was so worried about crossing some line that made my wife uncomfortable, I felt on edge. We talked about what is ok (being fully dressed is ok with her) and what is not (being intimate). I am very lucky and so is Scott. Talk. Talk often. Hold nothing back. You'll both be happier. Good luck
Fine, pretend you don't know what in the world I could possibly be talking about.
Sara, you sound like a superstar in my eyes, what a great girl you are, with that much support it has to be easier, good to see you being like this and yes please do keep us informed, been great to see so much support for you both
That's great! I am happy to hear that you are going to be so pro-active in this situation. We will all be waiting to hear how it went.
You of course were quite right to post what you did...but most here want to ignore the troubles and problems that come along with us CDs/Tgirls/TSs. (Most of us are a mess!) It makes me mad that a lot of CDs trap poor GGs into a relationship then spring the surprise on them.Quote:
Originally Posted by JamieTG's~SO
Sara...you take things at your own speed, if you are fine with a CDing BF I hope you work it out. You seem super sweet and caring. On the other hand, if you really want a macho guy, cut your losses and move on.
ACK! You got me! Youth and wishful thinking. :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Deidra Cowen
Back on topic...
Given the advice you've received already Sara, I have nothing more to add, other than to wish you and Scott the best of luck.
Momarie, your comments are absolutely valid. I only feel I would avoid jumping to conclusions at this very early point in her relationship. Not every CD is like that, and I wouldn't want to scare her. You are right in that she should be aware of the possibility, and the fact he is pulling away might be a sign of your concerns.