I'm overwhelmed

Ive been trying to reply to this thread for the last couple of days, but I can't seem to put a coherent thought together. I'm anxious as hell right now. I'm working a ton of hours at work through Christmas, you would think that I would be occupied with that and I could put this out of my mind. But it seems to be getting worse.

I'm stuck right now on this idea of self acceptance. I just don't know how I will ever be able to look at myself in the mirror without thinking what a disgusting asshole I am. Do I have to lie to myself until I believe it?.... There is always something that will need fixing or could be alot better. Do I gloss over those things?.... Just say "F it" and that it's good enough? Isn't that disingenuous?... I want to finally be truthful about things and here I am lying to myself and saying that everything is fine and that I am OK?...

It makes no sense to me.

Hi Ashley
I’ve just read through all your posts and my heart goes out to you, you sound very desperate. I don’t know if my words will help but I’m going to write them anyway.

It sounds to me that a lot of your unhappiness is coming from the inability to accept that this is part of who you are and I can sympathise with that. I started to fully dress 10 years ago and I’m only just beginning to accept that this is who I am, I still think I look ridiculous and I still hate the fact that I have to accept that I’m a crossdresser, life would be a breeze if I wasn't

After much talking with my wife over a long period it is starting to sit ok with me and I’m starting to realise that my perception of this part of my character was very warped (it still is although its starting to get better) There are studies that have revealed that crossdressing is ‘within the normal range of male sexuality’ which does go someway to making me feel that perhaps I’m not so weird after all.

The other thing that has helped me put these feelings in their place was figuring out whether I was just a crossdresser or was it transsexuality. Obviously only you can answer that and thats where talking to a friend or therapist will help but I do believe you need to try and clear that up in your mind before you can move forward or even contemplate telling family and friends, if thats something you wanted to do.

Transexual or crossdresser, either way most of the people you meet won’t care either way, those that do are none of your business. Too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, crossdresser, transexual, homosexual, lesbian etc, etc there will always be someone who doesn’t like something. I know that probably doesn’t help but its true.

So please, I would urge you to just communicate with someone. If it helps I would happily start a dialogue, maybe it could help us both through this tricky part of acceptance. If you are interested just pm me, but either way I hope you can find some peace soon.

Samantha x

Ashley, I hope you return and pick up this dialogue here, or at least with someone here who may be able to help you get through this... :hugs:

I'd like to say a couple of things to try to reassure you and be supportive...

Firstly - try to stop beating yourself up... I can understand all about guilt and shame but what you are experiencing is not something brought on by choice it is about the core of who you are as a person. Please try to set aside those self-destructive thoughts and reflect that you need to survive these feelings in some way to continue to be the best parent you can for your kids, and the best person you can be for YOURSELF, however that may turn out. You're not to blame for these feelings and pursuing those sort of thoughts isn't constructive - It's not your fault! :)

You've got good advice from experienced members here and professional advice also - it may not be a bad idea to seek a second professional opinion but at some point you have to be prepared to accept some of that advice and try something different. I can't speak from experience but clearly the experience of others is such that HRT can be effective in mitigating cripplingly destructive feelings. You should treat this as a medication experiment no different to something else that was prescribed to address a long-term symptom - it may help; it may not, but you won't know unless you try.

Finally - and I hope this does help in the right way - if there were prizes for looking 'right' you'd be winning them. You certainly shouldn't be feeling discouraged by how you feel you look and I don't mean to trivialise your feelings by saying this, but to me some of your conflict may be from that self-acceptance of who you feel you want to be and your self-criticism of how you think that aspect of you looks 'wrong' or 'disgusting'. I can totally comprehend those feelings but they are again not helpful nor truly valid. You are not disgusting, wrong or a bad person (as far as I can tell) and the sooner you begin to accept your individuality over any sort of stereotype (which we all suffer from) then the sooner you will feel better about yourself.

Hang in there! Slow things down and give yourself a break... :bighug:

Katey x

Facing this thing can be tough, even when you accept it as part of yourself. Like many here, I used to think I couldn't go out because I couldn't pass, I couldn't blend, I'd just stand out as a man in a dress. This attitude is "a nice safe place." You can dress at home alone, but when you interact with others you can revert to the safe, familiar ground of male presentation. But then one day I realized that I could pass. At least part of the time. And it scared the bejezus out of me. Accepting myself as transgendered was easy. It was like stepping into a pair of well-worn shoes. But living as a woman, interacting with others as a woman, being a woman all the time? No more "safe place to hide?" That took much longer to accept. But eventually I did accept it as both normal and natural. And I've never been happier.

Yes, there will be difficulties. But they are the same difficulties that many, many others have faced. They survived, and so will you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And happiness. I'm sure you will find it if you persevere.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I'm stuck right now on this idea of self acceptance.

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Self-acceptance of what, exactly. That you're a crossdresser? A woman? In between? Or maybe you don't know? There's no right or wrong answer, the importance is for you to clarify to yourself who you are and how you want to live. If you feel conflict right now, are you sure it is just because of shame, or is there something deeper causing the conflict (such as being unsure of who you are and your ultimate goals), that is making the decision to move ahead with body-changing hormones stressful. I've looked at the many pics you posted of yourself in the Gallery (you look very nice, BTW), and I'm wondering if you felt ashamed of dressing when you were doing it.

There are some people in this thread who have already diagnosed you as a transsexual who is needing to begin changing your body from male to female. They may be right. Are you TS and do you want to begin the process of transition? Are you fully familiar with the long-term effects of estrogen, progesterone, and anti-androgens on your body?

If you don't know the answer to any of these questions yet, then maybe you should start getting some answers before doing anything else. Talk to your therapist again, and get a second opinion if you need to, if you leave your therapist's office stressed out. Just give yourself the time you need to figure things out. You're the person who controls the timeline here, no one else.

If the sense of shame revolves around your need to present as a woman (regardless of the label), then have you considered working strictly on that as a first step before you do anything else? How long did you see your therapist before she or he suggested HRT, and what was the basis for the suggestion. Was it to "see" if it would help, or is your therapist under the impression that you want to transition. This thread has gotten very long and I may have missed an earlier clarification.

I just want you to know that everyone here cares about you and what you are going through. If nothing else, keep reaching out for help here and elsewhere. Keep an open mind and you may read something that will ring true at a deep level that will help you to reach a conclusion about what is the right thing to do. When this happens your level of stress should go down (hopefully).

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There are some people in this thread who have already diagnosed you as a transsexual who is needing to begin changing your body from male to female.

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No one is diagnosing anything. However, it isn't difficult to observe fairly marked differences in the tone of this poster compared with lots of other forum goers. This suggests that there is probably more going on with her than with the typical poster here. No one but her and her therapist can really ascertain the right steps for her.

That said, her posts sound a lot more like mine, or Anne12345, or any of a number of us who were out of our minds in misery until we transitioned. This isn't a diagnosis - simply an observation.

Perhaps these differences are hard to spot for the cisgender folk here, who, after all, have never experienced gender dysphoria, and really have nothing to relate it to. But I don't think the self-immolating avatar and declarations of self loathing are terribly subtle.

At the very least, it suggests the OP is probably in crisis.

You are not alone. Many who have a different place on the gender spectrum suppress it to about your age. I'm not in your shoes, but I have been to many "Gender" therapists before i found one that was really knowledgeable and one I felt comfortable with. I think that although she may be capable you and her aren't maybe on the same page. You should feel comfortable when with her and if not try someone else.
Not fitting into the fantasy societal binary gender box is tough but you are far from not alone. The unicorn stuff here may be in large part due to many of us sort of trivializing the situation to make it more manageable. Try to see someone else and/or ask to her/him to take smaller little steps. She should be giving you coping skills ASAP.
Best to you! Hope I helped!

Ashley,

You have received volumes of feedback and advice, I will try not to repeat it all...

I am very familiar with self-loathing and denial and secrets. I am in the initial stages of gender therapy and coming out after several decades of secrets. I am also afraid of coming out and living my truth - however, today I am way more afraid of the pain of NOT living my life as myself. I feeld very lucky to have developed a support team of loving folks through the last 15 years of doing work on my depression, shame, trauma history and compulsive behaviors. All I can say is that I learned it is ok to be me AND I can no longer do this alone.

I am so glad you are telling the truth about your fear - look at the dozens of folks coming out to support and love you as you are!!
The only thing that has brought me acceptance and peace has been to tell the absolute truth of my experience to a loving community. Having the community reflect love for me as I truly am without secrets has been the only way have I gotten the courage to love myself as I am.

I hope you find the same experience.

Peace
EvaLyn

A i V:

I have no idea of how all that you have discussed will play out. I hope that at some point in the near future things will begin to fall into place for you. Clearly all of us here want the best possible outcome for you, whatever that may be.

The Human Brain is a fascinating device in may ways, but think about what it is designed to do. One of its primary purposes is to protect itself and your being. It does this by often making decisions that eliminate or minimize the degree of change (risk) required. Basically it is safer to avoid the unknown. This is where fear, doubt, shame, guilt, etc. come into play. These can be tools that work to enforce the status quo and minimize risk. When you talk about what you are feeling, this is where it is rooted.

The reality is that society puts a great deal of pressure on us to conform. If we don't conform, we can be subject to all sorts of negative events and outcomes. It's unclear at this point if you are a crossdresser or something beyond. Rest assured that your situation is not unique. Many others have been down this path; survived and even thrived. It is possible.

DeeAnn

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Self-acceptance of what, exactly. That you're a crossdresser? A woman? In between? Or maybe you don't know? ...

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I have been trying to repress this for so long, I don't know what I am. I'm not a crossdresser. This is more than that, that's one thing I'm sure of. I haven't gotten real enough with myself to see exactly what I am. I'm struggling to see myself in a feminine life... I have created myself into such a "dude"... I'm like a 39 year old little boy. I dress like a slob, I tend to live like a slob, I don't take care of myself at all... Now, I know alot of that has to do with my depression, but its kind of always been the way I've lived, even when life has been decent. I have the "I don't give a crap" mentality. No one would suspect that I would have any issue with my gender. I don't have any female mannerisms, I have worked hard to have "guy" interests... I'm a typical guys guy on the surface.

I don't associate that with "Ashley" at all... When I allow myself to be in that frame of mind, I'm comfortable and clean and I want to be a better person. I feel good for awhile, until its time to be back to "normal". Then it's back to miserable.

I deprive myself of dressing so I don't have to feel like shit when it comes to an end. It's easier to feel like shit all the time. There's a comfort in being depressed. I don't have to try and act like I care, I can just be here alone and time will pass until I have to go to work or whatever. At this point I'm just counting minutes till I die.

I don't quite know how to explain the shame I constantly feel. I'm ashamed of my body, its ugly and its not what I want. I want a feminine shape. I hate looking at my male parts. I do enjoy standing up to pee, lol, but I hate it dangling there and I have never been a fan of using it. I'm ashamed of myself for the jealousy I feel when I see women who I would like to emulate (that's not quite the word I want, but I can't figure out how to express what I'm thinking...). I want to be that nice looking, well put together woman living her life. I feel like such a dipshit for thinking that should be me.

I fear that even if I go through the process that I'm never going to be able to be who I feel like I want to be... This is going to sound so superficial but I'm fearful that even with the hormones and maybe with some surgery, I'm not going to pass at all. I know that people here think that I'm not horrible looking, but I guess I'm too close to it and all I see is the guy underneath.

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.

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Is transitioning and still seeing the guy underneath any worse than the way you are living now? because you seem to be at the end of your tether with the current situation. Is that fear of seeing the guy underneath stopping you from making a change?
I would suggest that asking yourself questions like these, without concerning yourself about the consequences of living as a woman at this stage, might help you to move forward and also don't rule out the idea that you might not be a transexual. Either way it sounds like you may have reached a crisis point and you will have to take positive steps to be able to come to a conclusion.

Ashley - please try to find some strength for yourself in the stories of others here and the scores and hundreds of folk that have gone through this and come out the other side not hating themselves but finding the true person inside... :hugs:

I doubt any of our transitioned or transitioning folk here will tell you that it's easy but they'll probably all tell you it's better than the alternative...

Find a way to get through it - find a way now to begin more self-acceptance and self-love - these are things you just have to find a way through to something better for you... and there are people here that can help you with that because they are the ones that have experienced it and been there and faced those trials... seek them out here or anywhere... I know they'll help you... but do not give in to despair and depression - that is not an answer and it's not going to help you...

Remember that great old Churchillian quote: "If you're going through Hell - Keep going!"

Please keep going... :)

Katey x

Hi Ashley, reading your posts you sound alot like me, except in your last post you said you hate your male self, hate looking at your johnson, etc. sounds to me like you need to transition to a woman, you are just sooo afraid to take that final step to start, like everyone else has said, we are here to support you, I gave you my personal email, please use it anytime,please transition for yourself, I am sure you will find the happiness you so desperately need, and you are a beautiful girl....your daughters will still love you,just may take a little time for them to accept the new you....Jamie

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I have been trying to repress this for so long

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Stop doing that

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I don't know what I am. I'm not a crossdresser.

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You're going to need to talk to a therapist to work that out.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

This is more than that, that's one thing I'm sure of. I haven't gotten real enough with myself to see exactly what I am.

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Sounds like your making progress then.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I'm struggling to see myself in a feminine life... I have created myself into such a "dude"... I'm like a 39 year old little boy. I dress like a slob, I tend to live like a slob,

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Watch this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOFtJYlXgZo

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I don't take care of myself at all...

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Sounds like classic depression to me, of course that has nothing to do with why you are depressed it's just a symptom.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

Now, I know alot of that has to do with my depression, but its kind of always been the way I've lived, even when life has been decent. I have the "I don't give a crap" mentality. No one would suspect that I would have any issue with my gender. I don't have any female mannerisms, I have worked hard to have "guy" interests... I'm a typical guys guy on the surface.

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Yes can relate

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I don't associate that with "Ashley" at all... When I allow myself to be in that frame of mind, I'm comfortable and clean and I want to be a better person. I feel good for awhile, until its time to be back to "normal". Then it's back to miserable.

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ditto

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I deprive myself of dressing so I don't have to feel like shit when it comes to an end. It's easier to feel like shit all the time. There's a comfort in being depressed. I don't have to try and act like I care, I can just be here alone and time will pass until I have to go to work or whatever.

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Yup sounds like me :)

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

At this point I'm just counting minutes till I die.

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Yeah if it's that serious, you need to at least explore the idea of transition.. with a therapist.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I don't quite know how to explain the shame I constantly feel. I'm ashamed of my body, its ugly and its not what I want. I want a feminine shape. I hate looking at my male parts. I do enjoy standing up to pee, lol, but I hate it dangling there and I have never been a fan of using it. I'm ashamed of myself for the jealousy I feel when I see women who I would like to emulate (that's not quite the word I want, but I can't figure out how to express what I'm thinking...). I want to be that nice looking, well put together woman living her life. I feel like such a dipshit for thinking that should be me.

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If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably Transgender.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I fear that even if I go through the process that I'm never going to be able to be who I feel like I want to be... This is going to sound so superficial but I'm fearful that even with the hormones and maybe with some surgery, I'm not going to pass at all. I know that people here think that I'm not horrible looking, but I guess I'm too close to it and all I see is the guy underneath.

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You mentioned you already dress and live like a slob as a guy so the only way it up from that. Another way to look at it is by asking yourself how you are currently doing passing as a guy at this point in your life? Clearly the bigger problem here is how you feel on the inside so you should fix that and then worry about how the world sees you.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.

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A simple statement with a complex solution, or perhaps the solution is simpler then you think.

As others have mentioned what you are really going towards is looking at transitioning and yes there is a lot of fair around that. So again talking this through with a therapist and be open to Transition as a possibility.

-EDIT: Did I mention you should go see a therapist ?


Debs. (not a therapist)

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.

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What it fundamentally boils down to is not how others see you but how YOU see yourself. If you are a woman and not a man, then you need to honor this. But, if you want to be a woman only if you can be a certain kind of woman, then you may be setting yourself up for disaster.

I’ll be painfully honest with you, and you can verify what I am about to say in the TS section with members who have transitioned. The thing is, the process of transition is time consuming (and expensive). It can take some time before others will completely cease to see the male cues. HRT may be enough for some people, but (some? many?) TSs have needed FFS or some cosmetic surgery to be stealth if this was their goal and this, combined with HRT can take as long as one or two years before the goal is accomplished. And if you do transition in place, then people will know that you were born male. There is no way to get around that, but you may find that you will make all new friends, plus you may discover that some of your old friends will be supportive. If you work for a company with progressive policies, then it won’t matter what they think … your job will be secure.

This is why it is imperative for YOU to know who YOU are, because the knowledge that you are a woman will give you the inner strength you will need to carry you through the difficulty of being misgendered, which will happen … until the process of transition is complete. Again, you don’t need to take my word for it, please discuss this in the TS section with people who have gone through it. Ask them to not gloss over it and instead tell you how they coped, I’m sure they will give you excellent coping strategies. There are quite a few people who have transitioned here and who are happy, much happier than before. They can also tell you how they overcame the shame hurdle or if it was even important for them to never be misgendered.

I’m worried about you because I get the impression you hinge your decision to transition on how others will perceive you. This is not the way to approach transition, you need to first determine who YOU are, and if you are a woman, then honor that and develop the courage to go through with what you need to go through, no matter the outcome. And you will need courage and strength of conviction, there's no sense pretending otherwise. Transition is not easy, no matter what anyone else says.

But I’ve got to tell you that more and more people are not as concerned about being completely stealth any more, it’s not like it was 5-10 years ago. The world is changing and the knowledge that there are people who are transsexual is permeating public awareness to the point where the vast majority of the public will treat you with respect even if they do know or suspect you were born as a male. So if public opinion is your biggest sticking point, you may discover that it is not as bad out there as you think it might be.

As to finding partners (if this is your larger concern), then I don’t know what to say. Generally I think that people accept more easily if they are not in intimate relationships. I have no clue about the percentage of the dating pool (in 2016) who are OK with being in relationships with transitioners. You could ask about that in the TS section as well.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I have been trying to repress this for so long, I don't know what I am. I'm not a crossdresser. This is more than that, that's one thing I'm sure of. I haven't gotten real enough with myself to see exactly what I am. I'm struggling to see myself in a feminine life... I have created myself into such a "dude"... I'm like a 39 year old little boy. I dress like a slob, I tend to live like a slob, I don't take care of myself at all... Now, I know alot of that has to do with my depression, but its kind of always been the way I've lived, even when life has been decent. I have the "I don't give a crap" mentality. No one would suspect that I would have any issue with my gender. I don't have any female mannerisms, I have worked hard to have "guy" interests... I'm a typical guys guy on the surface.

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This could have been written by me at one point. There are minor differences, but hey, everybody's different. I was never invested in my appearance as a man. I knew how to do it, but I didn't care. At all. Really didn't. I care about taking care of myself now because I'm invested in myself.

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Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia

I fear that even if I go through the process that I'm never going to be able to be who I feel like I want to be... This is going to sound so superficial but I'm fearful that even with the hormones and maybe with some surgery, I'm not going to pass at all. I know that people here think that I'm not horrible looking, but I guess I'm too close to it and all I see is the guy underneath.

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I went and found your last picture thread. You'll be fine - seriously. If you decided to transition, HRT would help with some areas, and there are surgical options (FFS, etc.) if you were still dissatisfied. Very few of us are totally comfortable with the way we look. That goes for cis folks too, but transwomen absolutely tend to be our own worst critics. I actually think I look okay straight on, even good sometimes. but my profile drives me bonkers and makes me sad. The reality though is that most people simply don't pay enough attention to care. I'm starting to look more seriously into FFS, but that's for my happiness, not for anybody else.

Please continue seeing your therapist. Please be open to whatever you discover. Most importantly, please know that being yourself will always make you beautiful, even if it's not the type of beauty you're worried about.

Hi Ashley, how are you doing sweety? hope you are feeling alot more upbeat than you were, please post something to let us know what is happening with you, you have all of our support , Jamie

Imo, Reine most recent comment hits the nail on the head. Please, please don't do anything sudden - you certainly have support here, but be sure to seek outside help too.

I've been feeling down... I guess it's better than anxious though... Lol

I really wish I could put this back in the box and bury my head back in the sand. It worked well enough for a long time, maybe I could buy a few more years until I blow up again. But I know that's not smart or really that practical.

I'm seeing the therapist next week. I'm looking forward to it, I'm not as anxious as I was before seeing her the last time.

I'm not sure what's got me down specifically... I'm usually down anyways, but I feel kinda in a hole right now. I'm feeling a bit hopeless and stupid. I feel stupid when I try and think that I have hope of being OK living as a woman. I can't live life in the body I have now... How in the world am I going to live with a body that's changing, albeit slowly?...

I feel like "who am I kidding?"... Other people make this work, but right now I can't conceive it. What does that mean?... Am I not trans at all?.. Am I just a moron?... Someone who is grasping at something that isn't there?... It sure feels like it is there.

I don't know, but now I'm anxious again. Lol. Replying to this thread seems to get me feeling that way, I guess it's good to push myself out of my comfort level.

post Christmas; maybe that's why? I know it happens to me as well.
do you have all your notes and copies of posts for her? if you're all set with that, take a break from here. don't come to this thread if it makes you anxious. you have about a week before you see her, so take a break from here, and prepare yourself for your session... we'll be here when you get back.

Hi Ashley

I'm torn between PaulaQ advise and ReineD.

There is no doubt that HRT helped me immensely, it settled and balanced my thinking.
Also I was depressed because of the GD, that depression went with HRT.
The problem being you can't cure depression and anxiety if you don't tackle the cause. I spent two needless months on anti-depressents getting progressively more mentally unstable.
If it's right for you it will work, but are you prepared for side effects? Eg possibility of losing sexual function?

The British care path is very slow so I went private it was literally getting life or death I felt unhinged before HRT, it wasn't expensive compared with my needs.
So the comment about Americans and Hormones is unwarranted, the same applies here, if you really need them they are worth paying for.

However, I did have real issues with shame and self hatred and basically thought of myself as a total freak, it took a life coach to help me past those feelings. I'm not sure how beneficial or receptive to HRT I would have been had I not tackled those issues first.

You have a couple of months before you can see an endo, my advise would be to find someone that specialises in anxiety or low self-esteem. You lack self belief.
I have never found counselling helpful, I talk freely about my feelings so spilling out to a counsellor that gives nothing back didn't work for me.
I needed someone that would help me rewire my negative thought processes, as I said I found a life coach worked for me, sometimes you have to approach problems from a different angle.
We are all guilty of 'not seeing the woods for the trees', sometimes we need someone else to show us how to see those woods.

I'm not weird, I am perfectly normal just part of a minority. I was born this way and have nothing to feel shame about, there are enough people like me to know I am not a freak. I'm a good person and if people don't understand me that is their issue not mine.
I know the above is true now, but I needed help to believe it. Professional help as I wasn't strong enough to push past my own mental barriers.

And remember decades of living with Gender Dysphoria can't be cured overnight, whatever you do it will take time.

Btw your last post, yep been there and know those thoughts very well. I live full-time as a woman now, had I told myself that five years ago I would have said it wasn't possible.

Hi, just checking in to see how you are doing.

Ashley, Don't feel too alone. I can commiserate with the things you are feeling a lot. I have struggled with guilt and shame my whole life, because of my toxic, cruel family of origin, and religious Bible teachings, and of course society expectations to be normal, and being a 61 yr old never married virgin loner tall man, when all around me are couples and families. The dressing for me started at about age 13. I have never, ever felt normal! Always kind of different and weird, and i have a hard time smiling, and laughing, as I never got to have a steady girlfriend or lover. I see a woman therapist at the VA once every other month. I think "normal" is pretty bad, to tell the truth. Share on here anytime.

So, here's a quick update...

Therapy sucks. I've been to her a few times now, and it gets harder each time. Not because of her, she's doing her job and she's pushing me for answers and self awareness, which is good. But its hard to be real about things. Every time I go, I see how much deeper the hole of self hate and loathing is. I never knew how much I hated myself... I always knew I did, but I've built up barriers that have beat me down. I never realized all of the hateful things I say about myself and how much they hurt until she read them back and I heard them come out of her mouth. In trying to build up a image of a man for the world to see, I've destroyed any ability to see who I actually am. I don't know myself at all. My head is filled with an angry voice constantly telling me to stop being stupid. At this point everything is stupid to me. I don't know what's what anymore....

She is giving me the tools to see it, and that's good. And I'm trying to catch myself when I can, but there is so much of it, its overwhelming.

She is still convinced the hormones will help settle some of this down. My endocrinologist appointment is on the 9th, so we will see. I'm excited to see if it will calm some of the storm.

So, right now I feel like total shit still, but I'm cautiously hopeful about the future.

Ashley - You probably need the help of a professional therapist as most have suggested. Real anxiety is quite serious and should be addressed with a professional, well beyond our well-intentioned sentiments.