The feelings that newish GGs get when they first find out about the CDing are rather a jumble, some of which have not been experienced before. So it's easy to lump them all together and mistake them for jealousy. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
But if you take some time to look a little deeper, you'll discover that several things are going on all at once. Some of these things will be fairly easy to address and quick to move on from, while others will take more effort:
- Confusion: if you are like the majority of GGs, you never thought that you'd be in a relationship with a CDer. This is not a bad thing, it's just something that you did not expect and have not spent your life anticipating and preparing for (like a wedding, or having kids, etc), nor is it something that has been out in the open and you've seen modeled around you all your life. So first you need to learn what it means, and then you need to make some adjustments. Some of these adjustments include redefining what gender means to you (since apparently it is now more complicated than "man + woman = couple". You then need to redefine how your new definition of gender, and your husband's new definition of gender fit into your relationship together. Do your definitions compliment one another, or are they at odds? You also need to think about how your respective gender roles will be affected. Many GGs go through a mourning period when they let go of their prior definitions of gender and gender roles, when they come to terms with learning how to share their own role as the female in the relationship, which up until now they thought was theirs alone. This entire process is easy to confuse with jealousy.
- More confusion: Next comes the confusion about sexuality. A lot of the newish GGs wonder if their husbands get a sexual kick out of the CDing, and where does that leave them. Do the wives now take second place? Are the wives enough for their husbands? Do their husbands dress like that because they want men to notice them? Are the husbands being truthful with all their feelings, since it took them so long to disclose the CDing? Does the femme persona now feel like a third woman in the relationship since she is getting a lot of goodies? All of the feelings that arise from these questions can be mistaken for jealousy and it does take awhile to redefine all these things as well.
- Resentment: Many of the newish GGs discover that their husbands seem to like the trappings of femininity more than they do .. (the clothes, makeup, nails, nail polish, shoes, jewelry, hair styles, etc). So it is natural for a wife to wonder if her husband thinks that she is attractive enough, or if he is constructing for himself everything in a woman that the wife is not. This also can be mistaken for jealousy. But, really it is the confusion over not knowing what the CDing is all about, what it means to the husband, and how it affects the relationship.
- Guilt: You touched on this. IF you tell yourself that you *should* be supportive to your husband, you *should* be happy about everything that he's doing, then you WILL feel guilty for feeling all the normal feelings that wives do feel then they learn about a CDing husband. Don't do that! You can support your husband, the CDing, AND honor yourself at the same time. Give yourself as much time to come to terms with this as it took your husband to reach self-acceptance (the time from teenage years to when he finally told you). And don't beat yourself up if sometimes you want a break from the CDing or discussions about the CDing. Some CDers purge, and so I guess that wives are allowed a vacation from the CDing too.
- Jealousy (this doesn't apply to everyone): Finally, there are times when a wife can feel jealous over some of her husband's attributes when he is dressed, IF she has a rather negative view of her own body image. Let me say though, that most of us GGs do grow up feeling inadequate over one aspect or another of our physical selves. Even without a CDing husband, we are pummeled with a barrage of impossibly high media beauty standards all our lives. Many women feel they are not thin enough, not tall enough, their legs are too fat, their boobs are too small (or too big), their skin isn't perfect enough, their necks aren't long enough, their hair isn't long and glossy enough, their feet are too big, their nails are too brittle, yadda, yadda, yadda. :p
So take all the self-doubts about their bodies that GGs potentially experience when they compare themselves to the final product, when her husband has put in thought, time, and effort into his presentation. This, combined with everything else above, can potentially make a GG feel inadequate and it can also be mistaken for jealousy.
The antidote for this last issue is an easy one though. I like to suggest to these GGs that they spend time, effort and money on themselves. The GGs should get a makeover, new clothes, push-up bras & corsets if they feel they want them, heels, new hair-dos, even acrylic nails if they want them, great jewelry, etc .... and THEN they can stand side by side with their husbands and look in the mirror. I'll bet my bottom dollar that if the GGs who feel inadequate about themselves do this, they will once again hold their heads high. :D
(It only needs doing once, really. After that, the GG will know.)
So yes, all your feelings are rather normal. But like Dawn above me said, talk a lot to your husband, talk a lot to the friends that you will make here about how you can be kind to yourself, and before you know it all the doubts, the questions, and the insecurities (if you feel them) will dissipate.
Stop that. :p Take the focus off of your husband and put it on yourself. Don't get rid of your tickets and enjoy the season. Enjoy the people who are there!Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Edit - Question: you don't feel complete when he's not around anymore? Why? How did you feel before when you went out with the girls to a ball game, and why should the CDing make any difference?
