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I know it's impossible. I'm just wired this way. I'm trying. At the end of my therapy session, I was trying to make my therapist not worry that I wanted to die. I was worried about her feelings. I don't know how to stop that. I'm trying - I promise you.Quote:
Originally Posted by flatlander_48
The point is that we usually know what the problem is, what the right thing to do is and what positive things will happen if we do that. However, in spite of that, we will convince ourselves to do just the opposite. This is a very human trait; it's not just you. Sometimes we do everything we can to make it difficult for others to like us, to think well of us or to want to be with us. It's sort of like people have to prove themselves to us before we let them get close enough. Or it's a test. It's like saying "Gee, maybe you really must like me because you put up with all the B/S smoke screen I've been throwing out, and you're still here.". Trust me, you are not alone in this.
Wow Paula - I live in a small country town, I don't know how I'd go if I was outed.
It's good to be smooth though, isn't it.
You hang in there, and remember you have good friends here who get it, no matter what happens..
I'll post more later about the talk I had with my wife last night. It didn't go well at first.
But that doesn't matter right now. I had, or am having, a small psychotic break, I think from the stress of all this. I slept about 11 hours last night, which is unusual for me. I'm finding that I am afraid - seriously afraid - to look in mirrors today, because of what looks back at me.
I'll write more when I'm a little calmer, if I'm slow to reply to PMs, bear with me. I'm not quite myself today.
As far as others knowing just remember it is not something you can control. What they think you cannot control. I would not go out and start telling anyone but if it was me I would tell them the truth if they asked. (yah I am bad about that sometimes)
Not sure I can really advise on how to deal with friends since I never really had any. I do think most will not make much of it if you don't.
Things seem to have a way of working out even when they look like they won't.
Thank you for sharing Paula. Your coming out shows a courage I havn't gotten yet. I'm glad your wife took it as well as she did. Mine is not normally as accepting, so when the time comes, I'm hoping it goes as well as yours did. Best wishes for the future, its looking good so far, just take it slow and easy.
Sorry, the following is chronologically backwards.
OK, Paula is back in the building. I'm doing MUCH better. I had a nice evening out at my TG support group, and I got my car back today, so I felt much better. I spent the better part of the day, dressed as Paula. Switched back to go get my car, and then got dressed again to go to my support group. (Blue blouse, girl jeans, pewter ballet flats, wig, forms, makeup.) After the meeting, I hung around talking to the girls, and then I went to IHOP, en femme. First time I've done something like that. I went by myself, the waitress called me "ma'am", so I must pass! (:lol: no I don't, she was just nice. I tipped her $5 on a $10 check though.)
Earlier in the day, I was pretty gone. I woke up at 11AM, and figured out pretty fast that I needed paxil and xanax right off the bat. I was *extremely* anxious. I was *not* going to look into a mirror. I was afraid I'd see that "thing" again. A flabby, pale, misshapen abortion of a being - a loping monstrosity from some Lovecraftian tale. (But better written...) This is not the type of thing you want to see when you look in the mirror, real or not.
My wife called, and while normally I'm able to hide my emotions really well, I was just too gone to do that. She asked "How are you", and my quavering voice replied "I'm not feeling well today hon." She replied "I'm going to come on home and take care of you." I didn't want that - she is part of the problem right now. So I told her "No, don't do that hon, I'll be OK. You don't want to see me right now anyway." (Meaning I was crossdressed.) She told me "I can get over whatever I need to get over to take care of you." But I told her "I'll be fine hon, don't worry about me - just go on to your class. I'm going to call my therapist, and I'll let you know how that goes."
So I call my therapist, and tell her what's going on, and how bad I feel. I tell her "right, next week, we're talking hormones. Ready or not, I'm way to close to the 'or die' side of 'transition or die'." So we'll talk about it. I think she believes it's too soon. Oh well, should make for a lively discussion. I promised her that if I felt close to doing something stupid, I'd go to an emergency room and call her. I really wasn't sure that I ever intended to return home the night before. I was in a bad state.
What precipitated all this was Tuesday, as I realized that all the people my wife had outed me too, except one, had shared gossip with me about other people. Boring stuff about who was sleeping with who. As I realized that me, as a transgender person, made for *much* juicier gossip, and that half a dozen people were now in on this, I did the only thing a sensible person who's been outed could do - I completely and totally melted down. I was terrified about who knew what. I was furious with my wife for violating my confidence and telling so many people. But mostly I was freaked out. I looked over in the bathroom mirror, and what stared back at me scared the hell out of me. It was the monster version of me that I saw during my mental breakdown at age 18. I could feel my emotions just shutting down, one by one as my mind screamed in pain. Death started to seem like a really good idea - it'd be so much less painful.
My wife got home, noticed I was upset, and asked me about it. So I told her I didn't appreciate her outing me to so many people. Her initial reaction was "KISS MY ASS!" She asked "what did your therapist think?" I told her "She said outing me to so many people, without discussing it with me, was uncool." "SHE CAN KISS MY ASS TOO! YOU DROPPED AN ATOMIC BOMB ON MY LIFE! WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO BE ANGRY ABOUT ANYTHING!!!" She was certain her friends wouldn't betray her trust. I pointed out the gossip about others we'd heard from these same people, and she said "WELL THIS IS DIFFERENT!!!" And I pointed out "Hell, yeah, it's different - this is WAAAAAAY more interesting gossip!" The discussion went downhill from here. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU DANCE DOWN MAINSTREET IN A F'ING DRESS. I WON'T BE WITH YOU, BUT IF YOU WANT SECRETS, I'M NOT YOUR GIRL!!!"
So I left. I wasn't sure that I intended to return home. I was feeling really death-positive. How bad can it be, really? A little discomfort, and then sleep. I stopped for gas - I was on fumes, and she texted me, asking "are you more mad that I told people, or that you don't have anyone to talk to yourself?" So I texted back "Some of both, but nevermind, I don't have anyone I want to tell anyway." She texted back "look, I love you, and you need to talk to someone. Come home, we need to talk." So I filled up the car, got some ice cream for us, and went back home. And I'm glad she texted me - I can't honestly tell you I wouldn't have decided to see how much fun I could have with the lake, a tall bridge, and a car.
We talked for a couple of hours. She apologized for not talking to me before outing me. (One of the people she outed me to, our neighbor, will probably be an OK deal. Her daughter is bi, and involved in the LGBT community.) She pointed out that she can't untell anyone though. We talked a good long while - she does love me, and she's really trying. She's absolutely certain that there is no happy ending to our story. She will stay with me until she can no longer abide the changes in me. She's also afraid I'll move out and leave her holding the bag, broke and in debt. I told her I'd never do that - she had to know that. But she said "I don't know what you are capable of anymore - I didn't know you were capable of this." All of that was pretty awful to hear, but I told her that I still loved her, and that I had hope - despite the seeming impossibility of our situation. I asked her "How can you be so certain I'll transition?" She said "You've never done *anything* by halves, in the entire 20 years I've known you. If you go for something, you go all the way." She has a point. Honestly though, I don't think it will be my decision. I think it is going to boil down to avoiding suicide or insanity from gender dysphoria. If I can get to a stable point, maybe I can avoid a transition. But so far, I'm falling further down the rabbit hole, and I seem to be accelerating.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
And your problems ARE temporary. Things are not going to stay this way. It will get better :)
You'll look back on all this one day and realize its was not as big a deal as it feels like it is now.
You have had this secret all your life, now its not a secret anymore. Thats new for you, and scary.
But you'll get used to it. Really. Have faith.
Keep breathing, relax. Do you pray? Maybe say some prayers. A little meditation? Find some people to talk with. Thats good to have.
Don't overreact.
We talked this afternoon. She was really angry and hurt that I didn't want her to come help me yesterday afternoon - my breakdown scared her. She was angry I went to my support group meeting, and that I didn't call her soon to tell her I felt better.
I didn't want to see her wednesday though. Why would I? She was the one who outed me and pushed me over the edge. She was angry with me for not telling her coherently on Tuesday that I was having a nervous breakdown, complete with hallucinations.
I didn't really know what I could say about that - I mean - I was crazy. I know that gets overused, but I was really crazy, and I DO NOT trust her anymore. Who'll she tell? What will she tell them? And she has ZERO sympathy for me and whatever I'm going through. She makes that clear enough. So no, I didn't do a very good job expressing this. Also, I don't know if any of you have ever had a mental break like that - but you don't think real clearly while it's happening. You just sort of run on autopilot while you try to keep your brain from destroying itself.
So anyway, yeah, I apologized to her for not handling my small nervous breakdown better.
It's all my fault, apparently.
We aren't going to make it. Not at this rate.
"I PROMISED YOU I WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE ELSE! WHAT HAVE YOU COMPROMISED ON?"
"Uh, gee hon, I don't show you anything I'm doing, and I try to guess what I can tell you that you can handle, so that I don't hurt you because I know you hate the idea of me as a woman. This is really hard to do, by the way."
"How's it hard? I never said you couldn't talk to me!"
"I got that impression."
So I told her that I attended my support group en femme. This bothered her.
"Where'd you change? Did you wear makeup?"
"In the restroom there, and yes, although I'm not good at makeup."
"WELL I CAN'T HELP YOU WITH THAT!"
"I know hon, it's OK"
"THERE'S YOUTUBE, I GUESS!"
"yep, there sure is."
"SO WHAT'S HARD ABOUT NOT SHOWING ME ANYTHING?"
Gee, let me see, the total feelings of rejection, the hiding, the knowledge that you hate this shit?
So I said:
"Well gee hon, I don't want you to have to see anything you don't want to see, but what if I make a mistake, or leave something out by accident, or misjudge when you'll get home? It's kind of stressful feeling like I have to hide everything."
So her conclusion was that she just wouldn't come into my office anymore.
She does *not* get it. She doesn't WANT to get it, either. She feels entitled to a future that just isn't going to happen, and she's angry about that. And that is the long and short of it. She'd like to help me because she'll feel horrible if she doesn't, but she is in so much pain herself that she's just in no way, shape, nor form, able to really do me much of any good.
Indeed, at this point, she is part of the problem. A big part of the problem. I just don't know how to tell her that in a way she'll actually hear. I tried and failed this afternoon.
So in the end, I just apologized for not handling my nervous breakdown better than I did. I am just not very sensitive when I'm having a psychotic break. Hopefully I don't get enough practice at this to improve - I don't know if I have many of these in me.
BTW, I'm less upset now over being outed. But wow, it was a real shock at first.
What a crazy rollercoaster ride. This morning my wife demonstrated for me which brushes she uses to apply eyeshadow, told me where to go to buy better brushes, and gave me a palette of eyeshadows and blushes that she never uses.
Never a dull moment here.
That was probably really hard for her to make that gesture.
Its only been a month since you have told her. Thats not a very long time, but a lot has happened, things have been moving pretty fast. Its going to take time for you both to adjust and come to understand how it changes your lives and relationship.
When I accidently outed myself in a work related way in 2008, I had to tell my wife the truth, I had to tell her how I really felt inside.
It changed everything for us, and there were a lot of very difficult times for us between then and now. I don't even know how to put it into words, how the experience impacted and changed us and the relationship we have. While I was going through my struggle of self acceptance and wallowing in the guilt for what I was doing to the family, she had her own struggles with this new reality. She went through anger , fear, grief, she felt very betrayed, she was powerless to stop what was happening - she had no control over it....but despite all that she also wanted to be able to understand, she wanted to be supportive of me because she still loved me. It was very conflicting for her. She had this man she was married to all these years, and then to question if he was ever a man at all and to watch him slowly disappear and become this woman, it was very hard on her. Roller coaster ride? Yep. One day she could be lashing out at me, talking about leaving and saying mean things to me, and the next day defending me from some friend or family member or talking me into going to get a manicure with her.
It was a very rough road for both of us. It took time for us to work it out, and in a lot of ways we still are figuring it out over 4 years later, our new relationship is still evolving.
Keep your seat belt on tight :)
Its hard for both you, neither of you knows where this is going yet.
Remember this:Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
Even on our BEST days, we are still a bundle of contradictions. For better or worse, it is the Human Condition. We are not automatons. We have emotions that sometimes, despite our best efforts, just get in the way. However, for that to not happen, we would be missing those qualities that separate us from other inhabitants on this planet.
We should not be less than we are, but we can certainly be more than we imagined.
I think you meant "palette" but I had fun picturing your wife dropping off an entire pallet of makeup with a forklift.Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
I hope things continue to improve.
LOL, indeed I did. What an embarrassing typo!Quote:
Originally Posted by GothicEmily
Last night was fine. We watched some TV together, and finally snuggled for a while in bed together - first time since I waxed my chest. Last night she was of a mind that we should enjoy one another while I still have the desire and ability to do so. This is a really wild ride.
She may well be surprised in the end. Glad you are having good days, PaulaQuote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
Still a rollercoaster here. We had a pretty good weekend overall. Nice dinner together Saturday. Sunday, we spent a big part of the day in bed - but she wouldn't let me touch her. We ended up going to see Ironman 3 later in the day, and having Mexican food for Cinco de Mayo. (It was a little weird watching Ironman 3 - Tony Stark likes to dress funny, and is melting down from anxiety attacks. This struck a little too close to home for me, although I don't get to have super powers.)
She admitted, on the way home, that she helped cause my meltdown last week. She was sad though, because even though we had a nice weekend, she worries that anything we do together that's kind of a tradition, like cinco de mayo, will be the last one we ever do together as a couple. She can't shake those feelings. She also was very anxious last night, because I left town to go to my physician after we got back from the movie. (Early morning appointment, so it was easier to stay near the doctor's office.) She was sure that something bad was going to happen, and that I wasn't going to come home.
My Doc put me on Buspar, as well as Paxil, and told me to take my xanax for the next couple of weeks. I was visibly shaking and having an anxiety attack while I visted with him. He told me to expect it to take 2-3 months for my emotional state to stabiliize, and to expect it to take a year or more before I like who I see in the mirror, whatever I decide to do about a transition.
He asked if I was strong enough. I replied "well, I guess I don't have much other choice, do I?"
He agreed that most likely my secret was out around town now. He joked that the good news is that Americans can't think about anything for more than two weeks, before it becomes old news and they are bored with it!
He also pointed out that what I'm going through is liable to be hard, because I don't have great support at home. My doc is great.
My wife was kind of down when I got home, she found a pair of my panties in the dryer, that I'd missed when I did laundry on Saturday. She really doesn't understand what's going on with me. She's trying - but she really doesn't understand it, and she hates all the changes. I told her tonight that I know she's trying, and that I love her, and that I appreciate how hard this is for her, and I am very sorry it is so hard, and that this was one of the things I'd grieved over the most - that this was so hurtful to her.
Your doc is right it seems like people's attention span is very short. Keep your head up.. you can't make everyone happy.
I am coming out to someone in my family now as well. I have some anxiety about it but I pulled the trigger today. I didn't really spill the beans yet but I asked if she would feel comfortable talking with me about something personal and confidential and somewhat medical in nature. (she is a doctor) She is my cousin and once we were pretty close but that was 30 years ago. I guess she is the closest thing I ever had to a sister. I am thinking since we are not so close that maybe it will have little effect on her life and if she can be objective maybe she can help me find the words to use when telling others in my family.
I guess I am just not brave enough to do what you did Paula.
This is something that really jumped out at me. The problem is that our resources, our personal energy and time, are finite. And, we have lots of other things in our lives that require some energy and time. Just living takes up a lot. Regarding anxiety, it wouldn't surprise me if it is made worse by knowing that we need to put focus on a given issue, but don't have enough left over to do that. We know this is what needs to happen but at any point in time we just may not be able to do that.Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
I'm a great one for seeing how things are connected and this is something I had not noticed before. Sorry that it isn't a particularly positive message, but you never know when a bit of insight may have usefulness...
Be reminded that we're all behind you here. Maybe in part it is the realization that your situation could easily be ours also; either now or in the future. But no, it isn't easy and it isn't the work of a moment.
I can't believe I haven't replied to this thread yet. I really hope things get better for you Paula. I have followed your story here and I have been touched, moved, and worried for you, sometimes at the same time. :( Hang in there, I see great strength in you, I think you can bare this burden, it won't be easy but nothing worth doing is. :) Keep us updated, when things are darkest venting here may help put things in perspective.
Side note: Iron Man is an ordinary person with flaws and all, his super powers come from his suit, his "clothing" if you will, he needs to don his suit to do things he can't "en drab". Parallels too obvious to point out. :P
-Stephanie Marie
Last night, I went to my support group meeting, changed there, and then went out to dinner afterwards, en femme. That was fun! It was my second time out. Another minor presonal first, I used the ladies room. Actually this was easier than I expected - it was kind of a relief, because lately I've had a LOT of trouble using the mens room. (I've pretty much given up on urinals - I can stand there for 15 minutes - nothing happens. I know this is largely psychological, but it is real.)
My wife went to her therapist today, and told me she was pulling away from me. I told her I knew that. She said her therapist made her realize that she did have more control over the situation than she realized - hey, she can bail, I can bail, she can move me downstairs, we can try to stick it out as long as possible, lots of choices. None of them GOOD choices - but they are choices. So she wants to stick it out as long as we can, but she fully believes we'll end up divorcing. (This seems probable to me too if I transition.) Her therapist thinks my plan of only CDing in secret is unlikely to be tenable long term. This also seems probable to me.
She asked if I dressed for my TG support group last night, "a wig, makeup, and stuff?" I told her yes. She wanted to know if I drove there that way - and I told her "no", I was worried she'd come downstairs and see me, and I knew she wasn't ready for that, so I changed in the bathroom at the center.
She's morbidly curious about what I have and where I keep it - but she really doesn't want to know either. She asked how often I dressed - if I was dressed everytime she was gone. I told her mostly yes, and many times after she goes to bed. She asked if I was ready to go out - and I told her yes. She asked if I had a name. So I told her my name, and why I picked it. She regretted knowing it, she told me - it made it seem like a real person. (I am a real person!!!!)
I told her that in my opinion, the best thing we could do was take this one day at a time, and enjoy each other as man and wife for as long as that was possible. Although most couples expect years together - who actually knows how long they really have together? No one. She agreed with me, so that's what we're going with.
We ended up watching some TV together later, and then talking about this a little more. She told me she's been fixated this week on something her physician said - "It's as if your husband has died." She can't shake that feeling. I told her that was a really unhelpful way for her doctor to have put that, and that it wasn't true, and that while I'm changing outwardly, I'm still the same person.
She said her therapist told her she was doing really well. I told her the same thing, and that I appreciated her efforts, and that I knew this was hard for her. She told me on a scale of 1-10, where 1 was totally hetrosexual, and 10 was totally homosexual, she was a "1". I told her I knew that. She told me she needed to be married to a man - I told her I knew that too. She's worried I'm not such a strong person anymore, because of my anxiety.
I told her that if I did transition, and we separated, that my assumption is that my sex life would be over - I don't want anyone but her, and can't even think about anyone else. (This is true.) I told her though that if that happened, I hoped she'd find someone for herself, I didn't want her to be lonely. I said that losing my sex life wasn't the happiest thought that I could have, but if it meant I was sane and alive, well, worse things happen to people and they carry on.
These really weren't bad discussions. We were both calm, and it was rational. It was hard stuff to talk about - but we are talking still, and we're both still trying, and both still concerned about the other. Perhaps that will be enough, perhaps not.
Dang. Apparently my current lack of body hair is a big turn-off for my wife. She's trying - but this is just really hard for her. :(
She's trying not to - but she's pulling away from me.
Doesn't help either that I'm on enough antidepressants that I'm not going to get too much out of whatever we do, either.
Not much to report. My wife had a good mother's day, I think, although she seemed out of sorts today.
I'm still here. Not very happy about it. I am losing hope that I will ever feel better. I think I am in an impossible struggle that I simply will not win, in any sense of that term.
I am glad of that at least.Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
Thanks Ellen! I'm feeling a little better, and am going to keep soldiering on. What else can I do? The psychological stuff I'm going through is really scary bad. I'm mostly lying to my wife about it. This is the wrong thing to do, but I don't want to add to her stress. She's having trouble coping herself.
I'm quite worried that my condition is actually pretty serious, and that I'm in a VERY poor location to get the medical and psychological help I probably need. It's really hard to judge though how serious this is. I haven't actually tried to kill myself, and lots of others have. I just don't want to live feeling the way I feel anymore.
My concern is that if I get that far, I am pretty analytical and methodical, and I won't miss. I *really* don't want to get that far. I'm also afraid of just completely losing my mind. I am disturbed enough that slipping into delusions is a real possibility. I *do not* trust the local medical establishment to do much except really screw me up.
I mean, seriously - am I *really* going to call the drug-seeking EMT's (the local guys are notorious for ripping off prescription meds from your house when they come) to come pick me up and take me to an emergency room where they have basically ZERO experience with someone who's trans?
No, I don't think I'll do that.