Still a rollercoaster here. We had a pretty good weekend overall. Nice dinner together Saturday. Sunday, we spent a big part of the day in bed - but she wouldn't let me touch her. We ended up going to see Ironman 3 later in the day, and having Mexican food for Cinco de Mayo. (It was a little weird watching Ironman 3 - Tony Stark likes to dress funny, and is melting down from anxiety attacks. This struck a little too close to home for me, although I don't get to have super powers.)

She admitted, on the way home, that she helped cause my meltdown last week. She was sad though, because even though we had a nice weekend, she worries that anything we do together that's kind of a tradition, like cinco de mayo, will be the last one we ever do together as a couple. She can't shake those feelings. She also was very anxious last night, because I left town to go to my physician after we got back from the movie. (Early morning appointment, so it was easier to stay near the doctor's office.) She was sure that something bad was going to happen, and that I wasn't going to come home.

My Doc put me on Buspar, as well as Paxil, and told me to take my xanax for the next couple of weeks. I was visibly shaking and having an anxiety attack while I visted with him. He told me to expect it to take 2-3 months for my emotional state to stabiliize, and to expect it to take a year or more before I like who I see in the mirror, whatever I decide to do about a transition.

He asked if I was strong enough. I replied "well, I guess I don't have much other choice, do I?"

He agreed that most likely my secret was out around town now. He joked that the good news is that Americans can't think about anything for more than two weeks, before it becomes old news and they are bored with it!

He also pointed out that what I'm going through is liable to be hard, because I don't have great support at home. My doc is great.

My wife was kind of down when I got home, she found a pair of my panties in the dryer, that I'd missed when I did laundry on Saturday. She really doesn't understand what's going on with me. She's trying - but she really doesn't understand it, and she hates all the changes. I told her tonight that I know she's trying, and that I love her, and that I appreciate how hard this is for her, and I am very sorry it is so hard, and that this was one of the things I'd grieved over the most - that this was so hurtful to her.