wondering what is said when you leave?

I often wonder what is said after I leave a place,,even though when I go to some favorite stores like for example dress barn and fashion bug,,,the SA's are very friendly and act like they are excited to see me but often when I leave I wish the walls had ears,, thinking are they laughing about meand what are they talking about,,one time I was in a cell phone store and a guy walked in with a purse and he acted fem,,very quietly the SA's said to me what the hell is that and then he walked over to him and acted nice,,,does anyone else have a story like this??????

well as long as they are polite to your face, who really cares about what they say when you are gone. Of all the things you have to worry about, this should be at the bottom of your list.

Don't care what they say about me after I've left.

As long as they're friendly and helpful to my face that's all that matters to me.

(Derogatory statements made to you about somebody else is a way to try to bond with you. If you're in bob mode, they'll just assume you'll agree. The right reply in that case might be "Well, we're all different, aren't we?" to put an end to that kind of negativity. )

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Originally Posted by MsJanessa

well as long as they are polite to your face, who really cares about what they say when you are gone. Of all the things you have to worry about, this should be at the bottom of your list.

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:iagree:

"Freak"
"Pervert"
"Degenerate"
"Faggot"
"I know there's something absolutely wrong with that"
"Why in the world do men do that?"
"If he wants to be a girl he should just chop it off"
"This is the reason we should have a separate pediatric section"

I've been in my field for several decades, and I could go on and on about the derogatory comments I've heard about crossdressers, and the snickering that goes on out of earshot, as well as those who tell the rest of the staff so they can all get a look at the 'freak' is really hard to take. I've even overheard a conversation about whether you can add someone to the sex offenders list unless he's been convicted of a crime. There are a whole lot of people out there that don't like us. It's the main reason I'm deep in the closet. Sadly, I work primarily with women, and so of course the vast majority of the negative comments are from them, and, again of course, none of them within hearing distance of the victim. It's a strong reason I have trouble being open about myself. Don't let the lack of comments to your face make you think there isn't anything going on behind your back.

The only thing I hope they DON'T say when I've left the store, "The check bounced" ....

Other than that, I really don't care. The staff at a store, doesn't sign my paycheck, ... in fact, my making a purchase at a store helps them to GET a paycheck.

I guess it'd be nice to know that there weren't any negative comments being said, but as long as I don't hear any, I'm not too worried.

personally i just don't care. i don't have a problem they do.

Treat me nice and what you say afterwards is your issue.

Keli

It's just human nature. I'd not worry over it.

Unless you have the ability to become a fly on the wall, you'll simply never know.

Hmmm, unless you have a friend arrive separately from you and then report back what is said after you leave. Could be an interesting case study of some sort, or even an opportunity to educate, but it sounds like a lot of trouble for nothing to me.

So that said, don't worry about it. As long as you are comfortable in knowing you've carried yourself with confidence and grace, no one is likely say anything negative at all.

As long as they treat me just like any customer, why should I care? Everyone talks about all kinds of things when they are among their friends. We do stand out from the usual crowd, so it would not be surprising to hear them talking about people like us. Would it be negative, neutral or positive kind of talk, would totally depend of the person talking.

I've not even once have been treated badly or in anyway worse than any other customer so far. I'm sure a day will happened where there is going to be a difference, but in that case I'd only have to inform the manager about the issue or someone higher up anyway so that the problem can be solved nicely.

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Originally Posted by MJ

personally i just don't care. i don't have a problem they do.

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:iagree:

I think there's several aspects of this.

One, people who make derogatory comments behind your back have the character of a headless chicken running around. My very own brother has made some very negative comments regarding CDers that he's come across. Ironically, I know for a fact that he's worn pantyhose before (part of his equestrian gear). Yet, he makes the comments anyways. Which leads into...

Two, dignity. If you play the freak, you will be thought of as a freak. If you comport yourself with dignity, you may still be thought of as a freak, but your dignity slowly erodes the culture of hate towards TG people. This applies whether your en femme or not. If I hear negative comments from people I try to slowly erode their prejudice, plant seeds, and maybe help move them forward to a better understanding. I might make a response such as "Well, there's no law against it. He's not hurting anyone." If I was feeling a bit more strongly about it, I might say "Interestingly enough, I'm sure his blood is red, just like african americans, jews, native americans, and any other group we've had a history of discriminating against"

I will not allow myself to be dragged down to the same level as those who hate TGs. If I did, I would be guilty of having the same problems as they have.

Three, humans do a 'wonderful' job of hating things that are different. Women were scorned too for wearing pants. They pressed on anyways. You can't change society by taking heed of the haters of the world, and trying to appease them. You can change it by proceeding on with your life despite their hate. This can take a lot of courage and not small amount of risk. I personally do not take this risk when there's a reasonable chance of it negatively affecting me because I have several people in my life that depend on me.

Four, a tree falls in a forest but nobody is there to hear it. Does it make a sound? If someone makes nasty comments about you after they left, are they nasty comments? The knee jerk answer is of course "yes", but that's absolutist. In reality, the nasty comments are inconsequential because the true target of them does not hear them. The philosophical measure is whether or not you are treated appropriately when you are interacting with them and can hear them. If they treat you professionally and with courtesy, their personal opinions and nasty comments spoken after you leave are of no consequence to you. There are millions of people around the world that hate Americans. We only rarely hear the nasty insults these people speak of Americans. Do these insults stop us from being American? No, they don't of course.

Fifth, though it hasn't happened to me recently, if a salesperson does discriminate against me in some way for being TG, I will have that person's head on a platter. I'm a righteous SOB when motivated, and do not take discrimination of any kind in stride. I will not descend to their level (though it's tempting to bait them with comments of them being a neanderthal, what fun they must have discriminating against everything that doesn't have their hair, eye, skin color, etc). But, I will take action with respect to their personal attitudes interfering with the conduct of business of the company they work for. They may quickly find themselves out of a job. I don't have to be respected by employees of a company, liked, or thought well of. I do have a right to be treated like any other customer and will fight for that right.

As Julie's post said, if you act with dignity - as if what you were doing was totally normal - then people's opinions (some, at least) seem to be better. As I know my presence may affect shop owners (who wants to shop where a pervert shops? :)), I make it a point to ask them what others have said, if anything, after I left to ensure that I am not "dragging" (pun intended) their sales down. They tell me that I certainly am talked about. So far, what has been said has been pretty complimentary;

"He's so cool. I wish my husband/boyfriend would be man enough to be able do that"

"Damn! He looks better in women's clothes than I do!"

"It's not fair, why can't women have legs/hips/a non-childbearing tummy like that?"

"That was a guy, right?"

Other regulars, which I see from time to time at certain stores apparently ask about me to find out what I've been trying on lately. Most of the women have been so warm and inclusive.

I have also heard some giggles from the younger set. Just wait until they get a taste of a "normal" mullet-wearing, mouth-breathing, fine specimen of a man. Maybe they'll be looking for someone a bit more sensitive after that. :)

Kathi

So would you believe that sheerly by chance, I wound up on a flight a little while ago where a closet TG was a flight attendant? He was listening very closely and assured me after the flight that no one on the flight crew of about 4 had said anything derogatory about the cross dresser on board (me!).
I HAVE been curious what others might say when I can't hear, but it doesn't rise to the level of being concerned.

As long as they aren't rude to me and can help if needed, I could care less. This applies to all parts of life, we just can't control what people say or think about us when we are not around. So it's best not to worry.

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

So would you believe that sheerly by chance, I wound up on a flight a little while ago where a closet TG was a flight attendant? He was listening very closely and assured me after the flight that no one on the flight crew of about 4 had said anything derogatory about the cross dresser on board (me!).
I HAVE been curious what others might say when I can't hear, but it doesn't rise to the level of being concerned.

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Kimberly,

From all the pictures you've shared with us, you appear to "pass" very well. It wasn't comlpletely clear from your post, but did the other flight crew members actually suspect that you were a crossdresser, or were they totally oblivious to the fact that you were not really what you appeared to be?

Do you ever wonder what people say about you when you've left while in male mode? No? Why start now? You're the same you either way; stay that way. People will be who they are since they just can't help it.

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" - Emerson

All the girls that go into the stores & shop don't give a hoot which is great. The ones who don't go out (like me) DO give a hoot about what's said about them. That's why we don't go out! :tongueout

There is a classic Peanuts cartoon where Linus shows Lucy how beautifully he has polished his shoes. As he turns to leave she notices that the heels are still dirty and scuffed and she tells him he didn't polish the heels.. He explains to her that "I care what people think when I walk into the room, I don't care what they think when I am leaving."

Works for me. It gives them something to talk about over that wine cooler after work.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

There is a classic Peanuts cartoon where Linus shows Lucy how beautifully he has polished his shoes. As he turns to leave she notices that the heels are still dirty and scuffed and she tells him he didn't polish the heels.. He explains to her that "I care what people think when I walk into the room, I don't care what they think when I am leaving."

Works for me. It gives them something to talk about over that wine cooler after work.

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Classic! :heehee:

I'm going to throw my small opinion in. I'm a 24/7 TS and I still wonder what SA's, clerks, service people, and just about anybody I have contact with, say after I or they leave.

"Did they read me?"

"What gave me away?"

It would be really nice Not to Care what people think and say, but I guess it's part of my nature to wonder.


Jen

What do they say?? more like what would they say... for me it would probably be the same as when I am in male mode.. what stinks?? and why did it get worse when he left?? what died?? what planet did that come from.. (me in male mode)..

I personally don't give a damm what someone says about me after I leave a store. If they want my repeat business then they had better treat me with respect when dealing with me. This is all that matters to me. What they say about me after I leave I will never know so it does not matter to me.

I don't really care what they say after I leave, as long as they are not rude to me, and so far no one has been rude at all, been 8 years now:love:

Given I hang around often with Kieron, who can lipread at a distance, I have a fair idea.

Typically 'Was that male, or female?'


If they're not sure, that'll do me.. :)

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Originally Posted by crossdrezzer1

I often wonder what is said after I leave a place,,even though when I go to some favorite stores like for example dress barn and fashion bug,,,the SA's are very friendly and act like they are excited to see me but often when I leave I wish the walls had ears,, thinking are they laughing about meand what are they talking about,

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Easy. They are saying "Cha-ching!".

They say whatever they want. Most of it is probably bad.

We look at this from the perspective of us being something which is different to them. Think about this for a moment. What happens when a guy with a lot of tattoos, piercings or extremely overweight walks into a store (say Walmart). Most everybody will avoid him and be nice if they have to. After he leaves, some will say rude things about him. Lets think about the women who is way overweight. She is a GG, but has to suffer rude comments all of the time due to her weight. They are nice to her in the store, but after she leaves they act like themselves. We all do it to some extent whether we realize it or not. People always make fun and ridicule people that are different than themselves.

If you weren't a crossdresser wouldn't you think it was weird for a guy to dress like a girl? I would, but see I understand and applaud anyone with the courage to walk out of the closet. This is human nature and I roll with the punches.

See I would rather be talked about behind my back than stay in the closet.

I think in the back of your mind, you would kind of want to know what was said--just human nature. Can't really dwell on it though,keep smilin' and move on!

I read this thread with a fair amount of interest....

having come from a very male dominated and macho working enviroment over the years that came across all aspects of society under all conditions and circumstances I can attest that people can come up with the most bias, bigoted, hurtful, hateful and distasteful comments one can imagine and then some...

That said there are two beilefs I have....

One is that's simply human nature to have the vast majority of people regardless what the issue is or what the circumstances be to respond in some similar type manner as I previosuly described....especting anything less from the human species is simply foolish...we can not be kind loving accepting of others who are perceived as being "different" from our own selves....be it race, ethenticty, financial level, empyoment or a host of other classifications...

The other "truth" is this... the old proverb holds truer today than ever before...."those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"....in other words most of us aside from a tiny factional portion of society all have faults conditions or hidden secrets that they hide from 99.999% of those who know them....thus this brings me back to the original comments about people being bigots biased etc etc etc......

Bottom line is expect nothing from another and only be true to one's self and go forth with pride, understanding confidence and love in your heart and treat your fellow man with the Golden Rule...that way you can make a little bit difference in this world where there are others who can't....and that's all one can expect now isn't it????

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JulieC

I think there's several aspects of this.

One, people who make derogatory comments behind your back have the character of a headless chicken running around. My very own brother has made some very negative comments regarding CDers that he's come across. Ironically, I know for a fact that he's worn pantyhose before (part of his equestrian gear). Yet, he makes the comments anyways. Which leads into...

Two, dignity. If you play the freak, you will be thought of as a freak. If you comport yourself with dignity, you may still be thought of as a freak, but your dignity slowly erodes the culture of hate towards TG people. This applies whether your en femme or not. If I hear negative comments from people I try to slowly erode their prejudice, plant seeds, and maybe help move them forward to a better understanding. I might make a response such as "Well, there's no law against it. He's not hurting anyone." If I was feeling a bit more strongly about it, I might say "Interestingly enough, I'm sure his blood is red, just like african americans, jews, native americans, and any other group we've had a history of discriminating against"

I will not allow myself to be dragged down to the same level as those who hate TGs. If I did, I would be guilty of having the same problems as they have.

Three, humans do a 'wonderful' job of hating things that are different. Women were scorned too for wearing pants. They pressed on anyways. You can't change society by taking heed of the haters of the world, and trying to appease them. You can change it by proceeding on with your life despite their hate. This can take a lot of courage and not small amount of risk. I personally do not take this risk when there's a reasonable chance of it negatively affecting me because I have several people in my life that depend on me.

Four, a tree falls in a forest but nobody is there to hear it. Does it make a sound? If someone makes nasty comments about you after they left, are they nasty comments? The knee jerk answer is of course "yes", but that's absolutist. In reality, the nasty comments are inconsequential because the true target of them does not hear them. The philosophical measure is whether or not you are treated appropriately when you are interacting with them and can hear them. If they treat you professionally and with courtesy, their personal opinions and nasty comments spoken after you leave are of no consequence to you. There are millions of people around the world that hate Americans. We only rarely hear the nasty insults these people speak of Americans. Do these insults stop us from being American? No, they don't of course.

Fifth, though it hasn't happened to me recently, if a salesperson does discriminate against me in some way for being TG, I will have that person's head on a platter. I'm a righteous SOB when motivated, and do not take discrimination of any kind in stride. I will not descend to their level (though it's tempting to bait them with comments of them being a neanderthal, what fun they must have discriminating against everything that doesn't have their hair, eye, skin color, etc). But, I will take action with respect to their personal attitudes interfering with the conduct of business of the company they work for. They may quickly find themselves out of a job. I don't have to be respected by employees of a company, liked, or thought well of. I do have a right to be treated like any other customer and will fight for that right.

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A most thoughtful response and absolutely correct.

Kerrry :love:

While I think it would be interesting sometimes to hear I dont really care much, if I did I would not go out.

I don't come anywhere close to passing sowhen I am out it is obvious that I am a man in a dress. I have always been treated decently and politely by others when I'm out. I would be amazed if no one has made a comment or laughed after I have left. I enjoy going out and I do not mind that my appearence brings a little enjoyment to the lives of others.