Another marriage probably over

My wife and I talked last night -- or rather, at the beginning, I took a lot of care to listen to her express her feelings without my trying to respond (because that might have lead to a misunderstanding and fight about just which-ever one point, and I wanted to hear her broad range of concerns. I asked her a number of questions to have various points amplified.

She said the connection between us was completely gone; I asked about whether she felt it was completely gone, or if she felt there was still some connection that she didn't know how to access. She said she didn't know.

She said a lot of different things. I will not talk about them here, because it would only be -my- viewpoint, and I've tried hard over the years not to say things in the public forums that might make it seem like things are her fault when she isn't around to give her interpretation. I will say this: that after listening to her last night, I have a better appreciation of why she has been unhappy with me, and I can feel more readily that there are some "good reasons" on her side.

By the end of the discussion, it was ambiguous as to whether this was the "It's really over" discussion, or if it was the proverbial bottom from which things start to get better.

I will emphasize, that just as has been said in a number of other breakup discussions, the cross-dressing / TG is not the root of the (very real) problems between she and I -- but that it certainly isn't helping matters either. Possibly it was the "straw" of the camel-back proverbs.

I would, if I could, if I knew how, repair and renew the relationship with her, re-love: I hurt, I've hurt for years, but she is inherently a good person. Not a "perfect" person, but none of us are.


There is one portion that I can talk about, as being directly related to this forum: apparently, she has been finding my cross-dressing, especially my getting acrylic nails, to feel increasingly "creepy" to her, the nails especially being "aesthetically creepy". And she has been feeling that with the nails and with my choice of clothes, that I have increasingly been putting myself into the role of a "victim", to be picked on and outcast in public. A while back, earlier this year, she expressed concern about she would say if we were out in public and I was dressed and she met someone we or she knew, how would she introduce me, especially if I were fully dressed, "This is my husband, he likes to wear women's clothes"? She has expectations of social stigma.

My wife has not, over the years, tried to talk to me about how cross-dressing feels to me, nor done any experiments to see if people pay attention or appear to care. I've been talking a to the therapist about how cross-dressing feels to me. And (as I have mentioned in my other postings), when I cross-dress, many people treat me quite well, smile at me, make me feel welcome, talk to me, express concern about me -- and most of the rest pay me no more attention than they pay anyone else. And I don't mean just the people at my cross-dressing social club, I mean -lots- of different people: when I am open about cross-dressing, when I dress, I become part of the community of the city in ways I never was before.

We don't know -why- yet, but the leading hypothesis is that all these years, my brain has been conflicted, long before puberty, long before I realized I was a cross-dresser, and that I've been unconsciously expressing that conflict all these years, and that people picked up on it and avoided me. And that when I gender-bend or cross-dress, the internal conflict resolves and I start to project internal peace and happiness -- that I stop projecting "wrongness" and start projecting "rightness". My main question to my individual therapist has not been about my marriage or how to talk to my wife, and definitely not about how to stop cross-dressing: my main question has been about "How do I bring that internal peace, that sense of being part of the community, the good feeling of having friends, into the rest of my life??"

My cross-dressing and gender-bending is real, in that when I when I am at liberty to engage in them (whether for an hour or an evening or a day), wearing the forms and the clothes feels right to me, feels good. But at the same time, the rate at which I do it, the obviousness with which I do it.... is possibly driven by my unhappiness and loneliness (and if one's marriage is not going well, one can feel very very lonely indeed), and my feelings (from an early age) of being isolated from and largely ignored by society... feeling that very few people cared about -me-. If I were to feel a part of society, to feel that I had real friends (more than the one who lives 1000 miles away)... it is not clear that I would "need" cross-dressing and gender-bending as much. One thing is certain to me, though: I do not want "dive into" cross-dressing society and have all of my friendships be from there... that would be better than what I have, but wouldn't solve any inherent problems... it would be like entering a slightly bigger cage, but still a cage.

Tess-Leigh - I hate to hear about your relationship - my own marriage is and has been on the ropes for some time - my spouse will tolerate my dressing to some extent although she is extremely jealous of JoAnne - she says that JoAnne has more than she does and that my "male" side loves JoAnne more than her - talkind and communicating is supposed to be constructive "if" your spouse or SO will talk about it.

What you are going through is a too common experience for so many of us

Your Sister,

JoAnne Wheeler

tess-leigh, I know just how you feel with respect to your wife. I went through the same thing awhile back. My wife too is a good person and quite tolerant of other people's "differences" and shortcomings, but has a different standard for her own spouse. In her eyes I didn't measure up in areas important to her, and my dressing was a cross she had to bear.

We almost split at her bequest, but in the end, she apparently realized life would be far more difficult without me, and relented. Despite everything I still loved her, and had no desire to leave.

We're now closer than we were, not intimate, but while she doesn't want anything to do with my dressing, she no longer harangues me about it.

I do hope your situation will turn out well.

Mitzi

I am very sorry to hear that you are having problems at the moment and i hope things can be sorted out for you both.
It is always very difficult to know what to say in these circumstance`s because being a TG i know how difficult it can be at times to have this desire to do what you feel that you must do but at the seam time look at the real concerns that you wife has .
I can see how it would be a threat to her when you have your nails done as it is something which is hard to cover up when you go to pay for things and many other ways , and yes it can make you become a victim which also can make your wife become a victim as well .
We all have to remember that a marriage is something that has to be worked at all the time and that there is no place for complacency yet is is so easy for ether partner to fall into that trap.
I am glad to hear that you are doing the right thing and listening to your wife so i hope that you can both work something out as it is never to late as long as you are both talking to each other .
Wishing you luck

Update:

My SO and I have been talking a lot lately -- talking calmly, not angrily (though I did get upset at something the other week.)

We started talking about separation as a real possibility. Then this morning and all day we talked a lot, and pretty much came up with an agreement in principle to separate. And we kept talking this evening... and somehow we arrived at the point of both of us preferring not to separate and wanting to give things a chance. So we suspended / postponed the separation, and we will see what we can come up with. I have a therapy session this week that I can use to talk about strategies.

Nothing is certain other than this: we've been able to open up to each other more in the last couple of months than we were able to in the 14 years we've been together. And it's been a shame that it's taken us this long to really talk.

My wife didn't find the couple's therapy to be helpful to her, but on the other hand, after 2 sessions of it we were able to talk more freely than we had before. Though at the same time I've been going through individual therapy and opening up a lot.

I don't have any idea how things are going to work out. I fear for the worst and hope for the best.

And yes, my CD'ing + transgender is a factor in all of this, more so than my S.O. had ever revealed before. I don't know what we are going to do about that. But tomorrow, as a symbol of my willingness to work towards a mutual solution, I will get my acrylic nails taken off, as they in particular have been a focal point of my SO's discomfort, and now that we've reached an agreement to -try-, I'm willing to go without (at least for now.)

I do a fair amount of counseling with couples (most of it pre-marriage) but I am a big fan of the work of Dr. John Gottman. I make all of the couples who come to me to be married buy and read the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," and there is a reason. Seriously, get it, read it, use it. Both of you.

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl...8074036&sr=8-1

I'm so sorry you are feeling such pain and anguish. This has to be extremely difficult for you and your wife. I can't help getting a little teary eyed thinking about what you both must be going through. At least there is still some hope of a mutually agreeable solution. Perhaps with some true listening, understanding and compromise you will come out of this a stronger and better couple. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. BIG Hug.

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Originally Posted by tess-leigh

she has been finding my cross-dressing, especially my getting acrylic nails, to feel increasingly "creepy" to her

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Sounds to me like classic transphobia.

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that I have increasingly been putting myself into the role of a "victim", to be picked on and outcast in public.

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And this sounds like she is projecting her own fears onto you.

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She has expectations of social stigma.

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One of the major fears

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My wife has not, over the years, tried to talk to me about how cross-dressing feels to me, nor done any experiments to see if people pay attention or appear to care.

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Probably because she is focussed on how your CDing affects her which has swelled into transphobia. It is no longer about you.

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I've been unconsciously expressing that conflict all these years, and that people picked up on it and avoided me. And that when I gender-bend or cross-dress, the internal conflict resolves and I start to project internal peace and happiness -- that I stop projecting "wrongness" and start projecting "rightness".

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It is common for CDs to be quiet and introverted as we internalize the shame and guilt. We don't compete with other men striving to be alpha males and so disappear into the shadows which reaffirms our picture of ourselves as unworthy. Our negativity wins few real friends. When we cd we can dump the guilt and be empowered with good feelings which creates a positive outlook attracting people.

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If I were to feel a part of society, to feel that I had real friends (more than the one who lives 1000 miles away)... it is not clear that I would "need" cross-dressing and gender-bending as much.

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That would require self acceptance and the ability to CD as you please. Unless you are good at passing, you must be realistic that your world of friends will be limited.

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And yes, my CD'ing + transgender is a factor in all of this, more so than my S.O. had ever revealed before

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It usually is, SOs tend to downplay it but if they have not genuinely accepted CDing then it gnaws away at them that they have been cheated of having a "real" man and fears grow into phobias.

Good luck, I hope she reconsiders and gets help for herself

I think the fact that both of you appear to be approaching the situation in a calm, rational manner and are keeping the lines of communication open, does mean that the resolution of the problem, whatever it turns out to be, will be mutually acceptable to each of you.

In the end, it's about affirming one another, not about both of you losing!

Each of you seems to care enough about the other's point of view and self-esteem, for me to feel hopeful about both the process and the eventual outcome.

Don't give up.

Blessings.

I have nothing intelligent or worth while to offer you, but felt like I should post something . . .
I am SO sorry to hear of the hard time in your marriage and I deeply hopte that things will come together for you. :)

I'm sorry that you both are having such a time of this. I cant say that I know how you feel but, I feel for you. Nothing in life is permanent and all things bring a lesson. My thoughts to you both.

tess-leigh: About six months ago I posted a thread about my own marriage and 'coming out' to my wife of 15+ years. Coming out to her did not go well. Her reaction was not uncommon as she had no idea I was a cder when we met/married. It is now six months later; we're still together but the marriage has changed dramatically. There is almost no intimacy. We are not friends. We are together (and probably will stay together) because we enjoy a life style neither one of us wants to give up. We share a bed but she doesn't want to touch me. Ironically, I have had absolutely no desire to dress in the preceeding six months....in fact, at this time, dressing is very unappealing to me. I regret telling her and wish I had kept my secret, dressing only when I was sure I was home alone with some time for myself. I think that, although honesty is encouraged, I (and my wife) would have been better off if she never knew. In fact, she has said this herself.

We're coasting along now, occasionally we "have words" and she has been in therapy since finding out about me. I know she is struggling with this, feeing betrayed. If she had known about me before the marriage she would not have married me. I owed her the truth at that time. I feel as though I've lost my best friend because our marriage had been absolutely wonderful.

As you mentioned, the nails creeped her out also. But, more so, the breast forms offended her the most. We've lost family members to breast cancer and they wore forms following mastectomies. She can't understand how I can use these forms recreationally when others we've loved used them out of necessity and with sadness/fear of the future. By the way, those family members did not make it.

Good luck to you. Encourage your wife to go for individual counselling It may not save your marriage but, who knows......

Seems you've really laid it out here. I applaud you for not playing the victim in all of this. It does, after all, take two to tango. I've been having urges to broach the whole subject again with my wife. Her big thing is that she's not attracted to women. She's a normal, heterosexual woman, and does not get the whole crossdressing thing. Were I, like you did, start sporting acrylic nails around, she'd feel real creepy about it. It comes as no surprise to hear that your wife wasn't wild about the idea. Were she to begin wearing around some outward manifestation of her inner manhood, I'm sure that you, like most of us, would not be real keen on the idea.

Several years ago, my wife and I nearly separated and were heading towards a divorce. We cooled on the idea, and at present we are doing better in our marriage than we ever have before. But the crossdressing is out of sight and out of mind. I think that's where she likes it. I have no desire to put it in front of her face, but I would like to at least hang my things properly in a closet, and not feel like a fugitive about it all. Only time will tell where this all leads.

I wish you the best, whether this all works out for you or not. Good luck.

Sounds like you have made huge progress in a short time, and are on a path which may lead to a better relationship. Good for both of you for being open about your cares and concerns. You seem to have figured out that help is a good thing, in whatever form it comes. Hoping for the best for you both.

Lauren

TL, Sounds like a real tough time, and i hope she will be more understanding, and things start uphill, now. If not, you sat and heard her out. I am lifetime single, and can't relate totally, but, i sure do relate to the last half of your thread! I also have few friends, have lost most of them, seldom hear, from any, and i dress up, partly because, of lonliness, being misunderstood, feeling unstuck, and free, as a lady, instead of rejected, socially hamstrung conflicted maleness. I would not want only cd friends, either. I value some of my maleness, but, it is for the vast majority of time, a very lonesome road. But, cding is also a very isolating thing. It seems like gg's are always in demand, cannot understand isolation, and social hamstringing, deep lonliness, that so many men feel.

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Originally Posted by Treetop Louise

It seems like gg's are always in demand, cannot understand isolation, and social hamstringing, deep lonliness, that so many men feel.

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I agree with this. I have never read or heard from a gg any notion that they understand just how lonely and invisible many men feel. Society uses men as tools for war and production and cares nothing for the individual underneath. Male gender conditioning supports superficial friendships based on team-building but forbids deep emotional bonds because of homophobia. Men become self-reliant because after leaving the parent's nest they usually do not have anyone else they can count on until they marry and start their own family. Younger men don't mind this because they are enjoying their new freedoms but older generations know exactly what you are talking about.

Never being married myself, I won't begin to add to that discussion, but in the second half of your original post you speak of your different ways of being in the world, and that is something I know a little about. First let me say that I love the WAY that you wrote about it, almost philosophically, about what you project and how it is received. I fully get that. That is a huge understanding on your part. I would only add that you consider how you get there. You perceive that your gender expression is the reason for the difference in the way you behave and the way people respond to you, but perhaps it is just the VEHICLE(albeit a dear one) to get you to a part of yourself that you CAN access at any time and in any expression.

On the relationship side, I have been with some extraordinary women, strong, accomplished, way above my station. To 'compete', to hold my own in these relationships, I had to project a strong confident persona that could not falter for a second or I'd be left behind. Internally I felt victimized and oppressed. My girly side just wanted to pop. I became sullen and not fun to be around and was rightfully dumped. The expectations are our oppressors.

Wherever we are on the transgender spectrum, there are huge, read HUGE, aspects of our personality's that are available to us that have nothing to do with clothes or even body image. You are on the right track, keep going.

Kimberly

It seems to me that the biggest problem GG SOs have with CDing is the problem of their being outed themselves...

Consider that a wife or girlfriend appears to be in relationship with a man and it turns out that man has some "peculiar" habits...

OK, he's weird... But, what about the woman who hangs around with him? How weird is she?

If you look at her long enough - considering her as a person long enough - you might realize that she's like anyone else who wants to love and be loved and who might not - does not HAVE to - strongly object to her SO not being perfect - so long as they are committed to her and their relationship. Which, it turns out, 99.9% of the time the CDer is committed and loving and looking for a solution to their (now) common problem - how to be themselves in a problematic world.

It seems to me that the problem most women have with the CDer they love isn't the clothes, etc., but the "tells" that give away the presence of the crossdressing to others. It's none of other peoples' business, really. But, it creates all sorts of problems with other people just the same. "So, you love a bit of nail polish - and leave some of it on? Fine, just go ahead and shoot me!"

The "out" for all this is probably to answer the nagging and perhaps poorly or completely unasked question: "So, what do we do about the neighbors, the kids, the in-laws, your boss finding out?" That's when the stuff hits the fan and flies all over the place... Making a mess nobody wanted, or, wants.

What to do is to probably to begin asserting earlier, and the earlier the better, that people are different and that you might not have exactly the same view of things as everyone else. Take a stand on your politics, your treatment of other people, how you think the world should be - and let people begin dealing with "different" long before you show up at a cocktail party in a skirt.

Let them, by that time, be able to shrug and say, "Well, you know Bill... Or, is it Billie...? Well, who cares? They seem like nice people don't they?"

Have you noticed how many CDers manage to CD at home, but only at home, at the wife's insistence, and that the marriages go on and on? Have you taken note of how many CDers manage to go out with or without their SOs, then come home and the relationship continues with hardly a ripple? People, can get used to, and can accommodate, almost any behavior. The easier you make it for them to do so, the easier life can be.

Although... To get extra "play time," the CDer may have to do extra "work" elsewhere... Like always take out the trash without being asked and always stop and listen when she wants to talk... But, you know what? That's just being a better man.

Weird, huh?

But, in a good way.

I tend to analyze and re-analyze things, explore "What-if's" and get anxiety about some of the possibilities coming true. By Monday afternoon I had worked myself into a real tizzy and couldn't work for the rest of the day.

Yesterday, I was able to have a long talk with a counselor, who was able to guide me to figure out my major fears around trying and failing a reconciliation were largely groundless -- releasing me to feel free to give it a full try.

When I talked a little to my wife last night about my worries, she mentioned three key points:

- that we should work towards closeness without smothering

- that we should shouldn't just do things out of feelings of obligation, but rather because they flow naturally out of who we are as people

- that it is important to take the other person into account.

The last of those points is something that we haven't been doing well lately: over the years, things had become strained enough between us that we were (both) often reacting defensively, putting up walls instead of exploring how the other person was really feeling and how we could work on things together..

So there is real potential for change, I think... I hope.


Certainly I don't intend to ignore my own feelings or "bury them" just for domestic harmony -- but now there is space to talk much more openly about our feelings and explore ways in which we can accomedate both of us.

Tess-Leigh I hate to hear of your problems with your wife. I would recommend keeping your cding inside and not out. Try dressing only at home and preferably when she is not around.
Why not try to romance her like you did before youwere marrried. I have found that one of the troubles many married couple hav eis they let the romance die. Just because you are married doesn't mean she can't be your girlfriend. think about it.
I hope I have given you something that will help, I wish you the best. Good luck.

I want to second the last comment from Thalia -- encourage your wife to go for counseling herself.

In addition, consider going to a therapist together. My wife and I went to couple's counseling and it helped with our other issues and opened her up to individual counseling, which has also been of great help.

Naturally, counseling has been a big help to me, as well.

We can all use a little help now and again. Clearly, tess-leigh, it sounds like you are comfortable with counseling already. I hope that your wife can find some value, as well.

A good marriage is a terrible thing to lose.

I am certainly no psychologist, though I have probably paid for several of my therapist's vacations. It sounds like crossdressing is not really the center of the problem here and that your relationship is definitely not on the ropes; you can rescue this.

Remember, you are talking.

Listen and acknowledge that you have heard. Repeat back what she tells you. After that, you can begin to rephrase to show additional understanding.

Tell her the things about her that are important to you. Reconfirm the ways you love her.

Begin to work on boundaries, realizing that boundaries are negotiations that need to happen constantly as we grow in life.

Consider couple's counseling as a 'safe' place to air and work on your issues together.

Be happy! You two will work this out!

(Pardon, getting a bit emotional now, reliving my own life through yours.)

I am sorry about your marriage being over, it is a very traumatic experience to go through, been there and it is a heart breaker. I wish you well and I hope somehow you and your wife can repair the marriage, and if not, some how there will not be any bitter feelings. I hope there can be a way she can come to terms with your desire to dress enfemme.

Tess-Leigh, every relationship no matter how far gone we may think them to be is fixable. That fact that both of you still reside under the same roof,for what ever reason, is cause for hope. It means you can still interact with each and interaction between two people is paramount to resolving perceived differences. I use the word "perceived" because often what we think may be the cause of a problem is often not. Appearances can be deceiving ,as you well know. Sometimes it is the smallest thing that gets over looked.

Two hearts that beat as one don't start beating to a different tune unless we want them too.

You both are smart enough not to play the blame game.
You are both old enough and have the wisdom to make sound choices.
You both can figure out a resolution to this "perceived" problem and stay together and be happy about it.

I appreciate the various responses and words of advice.

Unfortunately there are a number of points that I cannot (choose not) to respond to because I do not wish to give an inherently unbalanced view of my wife -- I might say "Oh, she said this!" and the response in your mind might be negative because I felt hurt in the situation, but without her side of the story to counter-balance mine, any judgment would be premature -- why she said it and what she really meant by it might be something different than what I "heard"... and maybe I was pink-fogged at the time, or maybe that was a day my brain chemistry was acting up (I've been working on depression for several years) and perhaps I misinterpreted or misheard.

One of the things I like about this forum is that we (GG and MTF alike) often have the ability to rally around the SO in the situation, that we do not assume that the CD/TG (or even TS) is always "right" just because they are a member. Or perhaps "right" is not the proper term here: that we do not assume that the member is always being reasonable or acting appropriately or helpfully. I would appreciate if people would assume that my wife is a regular fundamentally decent human being, and has reasons or feelings behind her behaviours that were real to her, and that she is about as fallible (and fragile) as the rest of us are. For example, if she were to tell you that about 6 years ago I often got very suddenly outraged with her for seemingly no reason, and that it happened often enough that no-one should have had to put up with that kind of uncontrolled anger, then she would be telling you the truth (although I was quite sick and was literally not medically able to rationally control that anger, that time must have been very hard on her.)

Things can happen between people that no-one intends. Both might be right, both might be wrong, both might have actually gotten the result they wanted but misinterpreted... both might have gotten the result they wanted only to find that it wasn't really wanted after-all.

Thus I ask you to excuse my not answering to some points -- though if you just happen to be Buddhist, asking the Amida Buddha to send my wife strength and guidance would certainly not go amiss. (Alas, as an agnostic myself, the closest that I get is Ernest Renan's "Oh God, if there is a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.")

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I would recommend keeping your cding inside and not out.

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Alas, I fear I am too far gone for that -- I've been cross-dressed (subtly) at work nearly every day for definitely over a year; my wife likes at least some of my cross-over wardrobe. Seeing me dressed up fully as a woman she has more trouble with... and rushing down to slip on a dress for 15 minutes while she pops to the grocery store, worried about when she'll be back, is probably more of a stress than I could able to deal with. Also due to family circumstances there is seldom more than 15 minutes at a time when I am home but no-one else is (sometimes on weekends, but very irregularly.) I've come too far out -- to my friends, to my family -- to survive well jumping back into the closet at the slightest sign that she (or one of the other people around) has returned.

What we arrive at might (potentially) be sort of the opposite case -- that I only CD when I'm out, and not when I'm home (well, with some allowance made for what I wear to work.) Or perhaps we'll sort the clothes into "okay for work", "okay for when we're together going around doing groceries and such", "okay for when you are out in public and I don't have to see it" myself, "okay for when you're at your club meetings but I'd rather not see it", and "this really doesn't suit you at all! I'd recommend getting rid of it completely."

Amazing what a difference talking honestly and openly and being willing to compromise can make!! Indeed, of not for the context, I would say it should go in the Out And About section!


Yesterday (Saturday), it was a bright warm day, and my wife and I had some errands to run. I brought her my hanger with several denim skirts on it, and said approximately, "Speaking as a matter of preference, and that is preference, on a nice day like this I would prefer to wear a skirt." And she thought about it for a short moment and said "Okay". So I showed her the various skirts and suggested that she choose one of them. She indicated that I should just pick one, but I asked her to pick the one she would be most comfortable with my wearing. She looked at them a few seconds, and replied, "My preference is that you hold off and wear the skirt tomorrow {Sunday} instead." A brief discussion then established that indeed there would be an opportunity for us to go out -- i.e., that it wasn't her saying indirectly "Well, you could wear it inside tomorrow but please don't wear it out in public." I expressed my preference, not a demand, she considered it and countered with something that something that was acceptable.

Today, when it was time for us to go out (for a walk), I put on a shorter denim skirt, intending to show her it and a longer skirt and again express my preference that I go in a skirt, and ask her to pick one of the two if she was agreeable. She saw the skirt and chuckled and pointed out that my socks were not a suitable colour match for the skirt. So after a sock change, we were off (with me already in the skirt), and we drove to a nice park (not what you would call packed, but with a non-trivial number of people around), and we walked around on the trail with me in my (new) shirt with an embroidered flower and in my knee-length denim skirt, And she didn't appear to be uncomfortable with the situation at all, just a leisurely walk together, holding hands when we felt like it, as if it was just natural. Afterwards we stopped off at an (active) coffee shop, and we went in together and lined up in full view of everyone (not a long line); no attempt was made to hide the skirt. It was just what I was wearing, no fuss.

Not that we completely ignored the skirt -- for example, I went down a tall plastic slide, and afterwards commented to her about how it had been kind of strange, because the interaction of the denim and the plastic of the slide generated static electricity, so every few feet, I got shocked in my fanny :heehee:

When we arrived home, even though there was a possibility that her mother and the caregiver were there, my wife did not mention or hint that I should change before going in. She suggested that we should water the flowers, which is something I had been thinking of just a few seconds before, so I proceeded to engage in some yard-work in the skirt. Perhaps 15 minutes later, the care-giver returned, and I was still out in the yard doing some weeding and so on; the fact that I was wearing a skirt was not mentioned; we talked briefly about the yard-work. I left the skirt on while I went out to the front yard to pick up twigs and pull out thistles -- something I have done for short periods from time to time when my wife wasn't home, but this time I didn't worry about just being out for a few minutes or about the chance I was taking that my neighbours might see "catch" me.

After my weeding, I returned to the house and mostly headed upstairs while my wife and the caregiver and my wife's mother talked downstairs; I did bring up some pop, which took me in to sight of the caregiver again; it wasn't a problem.

And now here I sit, at the computer, with my skirt still on, hours after we went out, and my wife knows I'm wearing the skirt and it's been cool. A second ago she asked me to help with a DVD problem, and I went in and solved the problem, still in my skirt, and the assistance was appreciated and the skirt... was just a fact, no different than if I'd been wearing shorts.

What has been going on in my wife's mind through this day, I can't say, but hopefully with the openness we've had lately, she would have let me know if she was uncomfortable.


This is, by the way, the first time my (elderly) mother-in-law has seen me in a skirt -- though she has seen me wearing my "lounge-wear" which is essentially a long soft cotton dress (t-shirt like material) to be worn in casual settings around the house for warmth or modesty. Several of the home-care workers (and even some of the construction workers that were building my fence) have seen me clearly in that lounge-wear: it hasn't been an issue and my wife hasn't expressed any discomfort about my wearing it or about other people seeing me in it.


It will be interesting to see what develops from here -- perhaps now we have broken the barrier of her mother having seen me in a skirt, that casual femme clothing at home will be less and less an issue. Especially now that we have a tall privacy fence.