Okay, I'm taking a shot of courage and am going to try to express myself a little here. I need to dip my big toe in the pool to test the waters first, though.
My apologies if this post comes out sounding like babble, but I have so many thoughts, questions, etc. that I haven't been able to talk to anyone about ever. This is such a relief to finally have a place to express myself freely and without judgement.
My dressing began around age 9. From what I remember, my first experience was my best friend's sister dressing me up in one if her dresses. This included everything from panties, stockings, shoes, makeup, and a wig. I felt so great dressed up that I had to go back across the street to my house an show my mom. She had friends over and the reaction I got was less than positive. As a matter of fact, the words she used were "get that @&@# off right now! I don't ever want to see you doing that again!". This brought an enormous feeling of guilt for upsetting my mother. And that's something I've carried with me to this day.
Over the years, my dressing continued secretly. I couldn't help myself. It felt right. I also started to wish I had been born a girl. I used to pray to God to make me a girl. Many details of times and experiences have been blurred over the years. Things I do recall are a number of times that my parents caught me either with clothes or dressed up. Each time was a painful experience emotionally. Along with clothes, I was also experimenting with makeup. I would put on lipstick and panties before bed and get up early to clean up and change.
When I was about 12, I had a paper route. This was great for opportunities to dress. I would put on the stuffed bra, panties, and makeup and head out to deliver the papers at 5am. During this time of the paper route, I started something I'm not very proud of, but it did help with me having clothes to wear other than my mother's. As I was delivering papers in the morning, I found a lot of houses that had clothes hanging on clotheslines. A lot of girls I went to school with lived at these houses, so the underthings were sexy and fit me well. I also would underdress at school with panties and pantyhose on days that I didn't have gym.
Dressing continued over the years. Painting my nails is something I've also had an affinity for since my early years.
Fast forward to later years. After meeting my wife and getting married, the dressing continued off and on for quite a few years before my "secret" was discovered. The one big thing I regret is not telling my wife early on. But, like many others, I thought that getting married would make the urges stop.
About 4 or 5 years ago, my wife discovered my collection. I was working 100 miles away from home and usually brought my bags with me everyday and left them in my vehicle. The urges were the strongest they had ever been at this time. I would change into my clothes and some makeup before heading home each night. I'd stop somewhere before home to change back to drab mode before getting home. I had left the bags in my home office for a few days. As she was cleaning my office, she found my things. I received a call at work explaining what she had found and asking who they belonged to. Naturally, she thought I was having an affair. I was devastated that I had caused her any pain. I broke down and explained that the items were mine.
She was in disbelief that they were mine. After many long chats, and a lot of anger from her, she finally believed me. To make a long story a bit shorter, there were a lot of questions to answer. Unfortunately, I was ill prepared to answer many of the questions clearly. In addition, I was extremely embarassed to discuss the topic, based on her reactions. She was disgusted with me.
I'll save some of the additional story for a later time. I've rambled long enough this time.
Lisa
