Girlfriend came to this site and read my posts (long)

I recently posted that I was in a new relationship with a wonderful woman and that I had told her all about my CDing and my experiences.

We are very open with each other and on Sunday night, after a very intimate weekend together, we somehow got on the subject and I ended up telling her that I post here; not often, just occasionally when I feel the need to express myself or work through things somewhat ‘aloud’.

I also told her I post here under MalibuJenny, as I had lived there and it was a play off of “Malibu Barbie”.

She went back home late that night and when I woke up the following morning (yesterday) I realized that she may Google ‘MalibuJenny’ and come across some things that might be a bit startling. So I Googled myself and found a few old profiles I had posted on sites and had forgotten that when I put those up – at least 10 years ago – I listed myself as ‘bisexual’ because I was at that time curious about men.

So, even though I had told her all about that, specifically that I had ample opportunity to act on this curiousity and merely decided it was not for me, I knew she might come across it and get the wrong impression. I had not been on those sites for quite a while and had frankly forgotten about them. I decided to quickly change my orientation to ‘straight’ as it is the accurate reflection of my sexual preference. But I didn’t delete any photos, posts or my profiles. I have never been ashamed or embarrassed about any of this.

I had also told her about a post I made here recently where I talked about our sex life a bit. I paraphrased it for her and it seemed to mean a lot to her.


Sure enough, last night while back at her apartment (we had spent the previous 3 days traveling together and at my place) she Googled ‘MalibuJenny’ and more or less flipped out. She sent me a text saying she was angry and upset, felt lied to and wasn’t ready to talk about it.

I called her and she called me back an hour or so later.

Turns out she spent quite a bit of time looking at my posts here and my personals on those other sites and was angry that I had changed my profiles in what she thought was an obvious attempt to deceive her. (I guess at least one of them showed I had been on that day and changed my sexual orientation.)

I merely explained my thought process… That I had written and posted things anonymously and had never thought I would share that information with anyone and when I did happen to give her the key (my username) to look these things up, it didn’t occur to me until the next morning and I merely updated my profiles 1) so she wouldn’t get upset/worry and 2) because it was an accurate update of who I am.

She could not get over the fact that in her mind I was intentionally trying to deceive her… After a while, I pointed out that I would have to have something to hide in order to deceive and that I had told her all about that stuff. For example, in a blazing bit of honesty that characterizes my openness with her, I told her that I still have the occasional fantasy about men.

I soon came to realize she had read many of my posts here and had explored as deeply as possible on those other sites. Then suddenly I felt an incredible invasion of privacy.

We talked about that a bit but the bell had been rung… She had seen things that prompted questions and I told her it was best we talk about it, as I didn’t want her worrying or feeling like I hadn’t been honest (when the truth is, I’ve told her more than anyone in my life, even though we’ve only been dating for two months).

Everything she found was in the context of what I had already told her – that I had had experiences with other women while dressed, that I used to go out, etc. But I suppose the detail that she saw caused some pause and in her mind didn’t exactly synch up with other conversations we had had.

I’m going to go see her tonight – we live over an hour apart – and talk about this more in person. But I’m feeling extremely violated.

I don’t like that she went out searching on the Internet the very next day after I told her about these postings, and I really don’t like that she chose to explore instead of just talking to me. When she said she was just curious about what I had posted about us, I reminded her that I offered to share it with her, so why go out and look something up? Her answer was she was ‘curious’ but I could not get her to explain why her curiousity led her to go exploring on her own instead of talking to me. I tell her everything!

And I really don’t like that when she found some things that were obviously not meant for her eyes and that were extremely private, she kept going and going. She knew more about what I had posted than I did… I honestly didn’t even remember some of the things she was asking me about.


I told her that the analogy was that I had shared something I had written about her in my diary and that I would show it to her at some point.

So, she knows I have written about her in my diary and it’s laying in plain site, so she picks it up and starts looking for this particular passage (rather than asking me to read it to her or having me show it to her). And then she sees things that worry/concern her and proceeds to read pretty much the whole thing.

When she was doing all this on-line research, I was at home and she could have called. She eventually sent me the hurt/angry/lie text and then did return my call, but by that time she had pushed way past the “I saw some things that concerned me” to the “I read a bunch of things you had written and visited at least five sites and fully explored those, too.”


By the way, I fully realize she may read this post. I didn’t feel like I could tell her she couldn’t look things up on the Internet but did tell her this all felt like and extreme invasion of privacy. She said at this point she wouldn’t look any further. I told her at some point we might want to sit down together and look at some of these things, but even then that doesn’t necessarily feel right to me. We’ve already talked about this stuff in pretty great detail and besides almost all that was posted over a decade ago.

So now, I’m trying to sort through my feelings before I see her tonight. I feel betrayed. I feel like I have been incredibly open with her and after a quite intimate revelation she chose to immediately go looking on her own, then keep exploring long after it was clear a line of privacy had been crossed.

We proceeded to each spin an elaborate verbal fantasy -- with me dressed as a woman -- which we each took turns telling while we got off sexually. It was fantastic and she had several orgasms during the weekend. The verbal fantasy part took place on Sunday and it was so intimate it’s one of the main reasons I told her about my post(s) on this site.

I had only told her about my crossdressing a few weeks before and she was rather shocked and upset at first. But obviously we have come a very long way and if we never went further I would still be thrilled. I told her the great part of our fantasies was that we could actually do most of it, but I also told her that I may never want to dress in front of her and we’d just have to see how things played out over time. She had reacently said she wanted to see me dressed but then said she wasn’t sure and I told her I wasn’t sure either and even if she ended up begging me I might want to leave that part of me in the fantasy world. (As a side note, I haven’t dressed in at least 6-7 years, despite living alone and having tons of nice things. That’s a whole other story, but I just don’t feel the need or desire these days although I realize that may change at some point).


In addition to the diary analogy, I also see this site (and some other outlets) almost like a therapy session. I come here anonymously and speak freely because of the acceptance and anonymity. I feel like she stumbled across my therapist’s notes and decided to read them.


Not sure how this is all going to play out. I care about her deeply and up until now have seen a future – a bright and exciting one – with her. We just made plans for a romantic vacation in Kauai! And Valentines is next weekend, and I made special plans for her! And our sex life is unbelievable!

I want to forgive and forget but I feel violated. I feel like she doesn’t trust me despite being more honest than probably anyone in the history of crossdressing (or at least, I would be in a first place tie!).

PLUS, I now have to answer a lot of “why did you say this, and how come you posted that” about stuff that is already in her mind and needs addressing.


Anyway, thanks for listening. I’m hurt and confused right now and also scared to death that this may at the very least cause distance at a time when we had just reach incredibly closeness, both physically and emotionally.

I know it can be rough when all your secrets are laid out especially with no preparation.
I found out a few weeks ago that my daughter had found a blog I once did about my gender issues and wanting to be a woman.
She told me she didn't understand at first and felt hurt but eventually she realized that i had to do whatever it took for me to be happy in my life.

Just my two cents but anything you post here is open to anyone who stumbles onto or purposely comes to this site. Quite frankly you shouldn't be upset about anything she read, her curiosity was understandable given that she felt the need to know what she was getting into with you. Having said that you have no secrets with her and that's as good a start as anyone can get. Try not to be negative about this, where you go from here is more important because as they say, every dark cloud has a silver lining.

I would agree with Jenny B - I would put the sense of violation away. You gave her the key by sharing this site and your user ID. Curiosity is normal - and working through any questions or anxieties she has can be a helpful process. If after all that, this relationship doesn't work out, then, well, you gave it your best shot.

I don't you think you can be fully open with someone and maintain a sense that you can be personally violated in your privacy.

In for a penny, in for a pound. Either you're completely an open book to her, and she can know anything she wants to know about, or the book is partially closed and you're going to maintain secrets from her.

Speaking from her viewpoint (as much as I can); why shouldn't she be curious on the Internet? She's falling in love with a man who she sees a bright future with, and now he's upset about what I might find out about him on the Internet? He says he's completely open and honest with me, but feels violated because I read some things he posted to absolute strangers? That doesn't make sense!

You don't have the right to control her Internet activities. My wife knows all profiles I have, even has passwords to them in the event of my death. She doesn't poke around, but also doesn't have any need to do so. She knows I tell her everything of import, and she's already committed her life to mine. If we were not yet married and I gave her all that information, I would expect her to look it up and see for herself. Heck, we DID that, and she read everything she wanted to read.

By opening the book completely, she knew there were no secrets. She knew there were no closed doors, skeletons, past experiences she should be concerned about, or anything. She had the whole story, and she knew it. That gave a tremendous foundation to our trust.

If she wants to see you dress, I'd suggest indulging her even if you're not really interested in crossdressing right now. If she's going to marry you, and wants to see this side of you 'in person', so to speak, I think she has a right to that. Kudos to you by the way for not purging, even though you haven't dressed in years. :)

In short, I think you should let her in fully; no more closed doors. No more feeling violated. If she knows everything and has access to everything by your own openness, you can never feel violated.

Hello MalibuJenny!
Reading all this hurts my heart as I too am going through all this stuff with my non-accepting wife. It crosses my mind though that you handed her the keys to all that you had posted and written through the years by giving her your secret name. If you did not want her to see all the stuff on the internet why did you do that? If the situation was reversed and your new lover (that you care about alot and are getting extremely interested in) gave you the same information would you not search it out as well? She checked you out because she did not want to get hurt by something that was left out. Now you are completely out in the open. Stuff that you do not even remember writing is out. Get over the hurt and move forward. I don't think she did anything wrong. She was just protecting herself.....and you let all of your guard down.

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If you did not want her to see all the stuff on the internet why did you do that? If the situation was reversed and your new lover (that you care about alot and are getting extremely interested in) gave you the same information would you not search it out as well?

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I just told her because I wanted to share a thought that I had written here and in telling her, the screenname came out just in the flow of honesty. It did not occur to me that she would then go look for herself, as I had already told her I would share what I posted.

And to answer you question about reversing the situation, I absolutely would not have embarked on some sort of investigation. I would have talked to her about it.


Another analogy is that while there is nothing in my house that I would mind her seeing, it would bother me greatly if she went snooping around instead of just asking me.

It's not the same thing as being married... We've been together two months and are still learning about each other. We've both bumped up against things that we weren't quite ready to share and have said a few times "I want to talk to you about this but not quite yet" and then it's always come out later and made us closer.

But she didn't do that here and it broke the trust we had and the understanding that we would be open but we had to respect the other person's timing and manner of sharing.

Hi Jenny,

You can't have it both ways.

You told her some of your feelings, you pointed her to the Forum and now you "feel violated" that she took you up on your offer?

This is a lot of information for her or any other SO or SO to be to take in all at once!

I think you need to adjust your attitude about her seeking information or you will chase her away.

At least you two are still talking which is a great sign they you both may work things out.

16 years ago I told my wife before we married. It was about 3 months after we met and I had just broken things off so I would not have to tell her. I decided I had made a horrible mistake because of how I felt about her.

I wound up calling her and got together for what I thought was the very last time and opened up about everything.

She had no clue at all. We talked a lot and the first thing she did was hit the Internet to find out what this Cross Dressing thing was all about.

I was so glad she did it all herself because it meant I did not have to do it.

Well here it is 16 years later and still going strong because I was honest with her and did not hold anything back.

Disclaimer: This is what worked for us. I am not saying anyone else's discovery will be the same.

I wish both of you luck.

Did you really think she wouldn't get as much information as she possibly could when you gave her your online name? I don't understand how it's ok for you to come and post here about her in previous posts, but it's not ok for her to read as much as she can to get to know you? IMHO, that's pot/kettle/black... If you didn't want her to read about you, then you shouldn't have given her your username in the first place. You've made yourself look guilty by changing profile information, I'd be thinking the same thing, what was there in the first place before you changed it, I mean, how is she supposed to know it was an identity thing? You erased the evidence, that's your fault... now she's lost some of that trust in you, because you chose to think for her and not let her decide herself.

Snooping around your house is completely different, you own the things in your house, you own NOTHING online, unless you are paying for it. Information on the internet is for anyone to use or look up, it isn't snooping at all. And if she reads this thread, I'm pretty sure she's going to be even more pissed off at you. Give her a break already.

First, I want to commend you on the quality of your posting. It was thorough, cogent, and concise. So few, including mine, are.

I do not agree with the previous posters. I believe you can feel violated if you want to. After all, this is how YOU feel, not how others would feel in your place.

I also believe that you were naive in thinking that she would stop where YOU thought the bounds of privacy lay. After all, this IS the internet and things can be more public than we desire.

I frequently do not post some of the more bizarre thoughts I have had due to this publicity. Good luck, and it sounds like you will work through this.

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Originally Posted by Shadeauxmarie

I do not agree with the previous posters. I believe you can feel violated if you want to. After all, this is how YOU feel, not how others would feel in your place.

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I disagree, one can not be violated when one posts in an open forum for the whole world to see. Even if the username wasn't given, the g/f could have easily found this board, found her posts by recognising her in her picture.

Humans, we are naturally curious.

Of course you know that or you wouldn't have googled yourself with the idea that she would probably do the same.

Let go of the anger, or the feelings of being violated, because, IMHO, they aren't justified.

You put the info on the Internet for the whole world to read, so, why can't she?

I don't buy the "it's out there for everyone to see" point.

We all post under usernnames for a reason. There is nothing to connect me (or her) to my posts here.

I didn't share the usernname so she would come here, it just came out in conversation.


And again, it's like I gave her a key to my house but wouldn't appreciate it if I walked in and found her going through my things. My first reaction would be, "What are you looking for and why didn't you just ask me about it?"


Anyway, I really do appreciate the feedback and taking to heart.

I'm actually quite optimistic about working through this with her and this is all helping.

Jenny, I have to agree with what the other girls have written. Right now, you are your biggest problem in the relarionship. If you trust this woman completely, then how can she invade your privacy? Quite frankly, the way you are acting now is only going to cause your GF to become suspecious that there may be other things being hidden from her. Please, for the sake of your relationship, lighten up.

On the positive side, this can be the opening to an incredibly open and intimate dialog between the two of you. By laying your soul bare to her now, you have a chance to enjoy and incredibly strong bond, one that has a huge success of surviving two lifetimes. Now is not the time to withdraw and hold back. Now is the time to push ahead. I wish you both the very best.

First of all, I am sorry that this has happened to you and I can understand why you would feel hurt and betrayed and confused.
You showed great prescience of mind by your honesty that led to this situation. Once she took it upon herself to "investigate" further than you were prepared, she denied you the abilty to reveal this part of yourself to her at the pace that was most comfortable for you. At that point, she began to "project" onto you...all of her fears, her feeling of being threatened by something larger than her comprehension, and questions, questions, questions...all of things issues in her brain are being projected onto you and this situation and are taking the form of her feeling as if she has been deceived somehow. Which is interesting, since you seem to have been super honest...
This projecting thing is very curious. I had a friend who used to say "My projections are reflections of my perceptions"...and if we can think about that in an open and honest way, I think we would all agree that is true.

I did something similar to my girlfriend on myspace...went back and looked at all the postings and comments on her page before we met. I got totally jealous and made assumptions, or projections, and worked myself into a frenzy. We worked it out but it's still there in the back of my mind sometimes, that doubt. Her solution, move all her myspace friends to facebook and not ask me or allow me to follow, telling me it's for my own good to keep me from creating a "mini-crisis" everytime someone makes a "friendly" comment that I misinterpret and get jealous over. At first that really seemed insulting because it seemed like she was hiding something from me, but I could see her point about keeping me out not allowing me to get jealous and stupid. Eventually she said she would let me look at her page if I promised to not start a "mini-crisis" when I saw a comment I didn't understand (she's French, I'm American...she says I won't understand the "French sense of humor") but I declined, telling her what she did on there was about her, not me, and if she was doing something on there that was in some way dishonest or deceptive, then that was her problem and about her, not me. I just decided to trust her. I was being totally honest with her and if she was NOT being completely honest with me, it's up to her to realise it and change it, if she wants. I just decided to let her be who she wanted to be, who she is, and take what she gave to me. She had always been very kind and sweet to me, still accepted me after I told her about my CDing, allowed me to stay in her apartment in France for a month and opened her extensively provisioned closet to me to play in, going shopping with me and for me...all of these things made me let go of the things I didn't really "know" (my projections) and stick to the things that I did "know" (her kindness and love). That made it a no-brainer for me.

Maybe your girlfriend needs to do that...concentrate on what's real here, your honesty and open-ness, your feelings, your willingness to talk things out...and not react from panic mode like she may possibly be doing.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in working this out witth your girlfriend.

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Once she took it upon herself to "investigate" further than you were prepared, she denied you the abilty to reveal this part of yourself to her at the pace that was most comfortable for you

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That's really my issue and I'm glad someone understands it.


Several times she's become quiet and said "I'm trying to sort through my feelings" or "I'm not ready to talk about this now". I mean about things that are in her past, or a fantasty she doesn't feel comfortable sharing.

So, when I told her I would share what I posted, she didn't honor the way we had always respected each other's sense of time and place of sharing.


Again, this is a two month relationship and I've been incredibly honest with her. I don't mind anything she saw or read, just that she did it 1) without telling me she was going to and 2) without me with her so we could talk about it together.

When I see her tonight we'll probably sit down together and look at my posts and profiles. That doesn't concern me at all now.

I don't blame you for feeling violated - I just think that it would be better for you to put that feeling way when you talk with her. Anger could easily be mistaken for guilt or embarrassment about what you had written earlier on other sites.

Instead, tough it out - be open and honest - as you already have been with her.

When I told my gf, the first question she asked was whether I was bisexual...and that concern had been an issue with my ex as well. I admitted having bi-sexual fantasies, even some very early exploration, much like you described. And to my relief my gf asked it more from her concern that I might choose a guy over her, rather than out of disapproval of bisexuality.

I'm glad you're getting together with her tonight...hope that it goes ok for you both.

Personally i think that when you invite someone into your life it is from that day forward and things in the past are to be shared only if you are willing , unfortunately the written word can last for ever whereas a passing thought is gone in a matter of a second, i don`t agree with what she has done and in a sense there is the "if you are looking for dirt you will find it" you could throw at her but it would be best if you quietly asked her " OK so you have read some of my old thoughts at the time i wrote them " what would you like to do about it and maybe point out that she has the advantage of knowing yours but you do not know all of hers, and point out that you will only know if she decides to tell you as it is not for you to go looking .
This may make her realise that is was not entirely right for her to do that (in my opinion)

I got "the ultimatum" and had to purge. Needless to say, my wife would not even be close to willing to have this discussion...

Bit of an update... We've talked on the phone and both are feeling better about things.

I'm feeling less hurt (largely due to being able to express myself here and getting the benefit of feedback) and she's feeling better too. I think we both are close to understanding our respective perspectives and feelings.

I'm sure I'll eventually share this thread with her, as for now she said she'd like for me to feel free to post freely in order to help process my feelings. At some point, maybe I'll even see if she wants to add her thoughts.


The strange thing about all this is what bothers me the most is that she probably came across some things I posted about my family and things that happened to me when I was young, and I just wasn't ready to talk to her about that stuff yet.

All the CDing and other stuff she already knew about anyway.


I also feel that there is a place for privacy in any relationship, no matter how close. We all say things to close friends, disclose to a therapist, write things in a private journal/diary that aren't usually meant for others to see.

I use this forum somewhat in that manner and wrote some things under complete anonymity because I periodically need to express myself in what I considered a safe environment.

I inadvertently -- and with the best possible intentions -- gave her the key to my diary, I just hoped she would let me share it with her when I was ready and when we were together.

You dangled the carrot in front of her and she went for it. I noticed that you share a lot of details with us about your relationship with her. It is human nature to be curious, to find out all that we can about something or someone. You opened Pandora's box for her and know you are upset that she read it all. You talk about how open you are in your relationship with her, well stop going into details about with us and talk to her. I think better approach would have been in order to begin with. Show her the sites, read the posts together and talk together as you read through them.

You need to have a very serious talk with your gf. You need to understand that this is not what she was expecting to find out so she will have lots of questions and will turn to whatever is handy to get that info. And anything on the Internet is open to anyone. There is no privacy online.

First of all I'm impressed with both of you for the basically mature way you are handling a mature topic in your relationship!

Let me speak a moment about the "violation" issue. It seems that when you told her about MalibuJenny you didn't put any limits on her. You've told her you are open so why should she not think that it was ok to find out what she could? In fact, don't you want her to NOT feel she has to have limits, and if you do shouldn't you make sure she understands those? Ok, it was a spur of the moment thing to tell her all this, and it seems that it was a very loving setting in which this all started. You didn't have time to think it through. Now that you have, didn't you give her the keys to the kingdom without limits? Actually, I'm very impressed that you did, and she should be impressed as well! For you to make yourself that vulnerable should be looked upon as a true act of love...IMHO! We all have deep/dark/private/experimental moments. She suddenly found herself where no on has gone before and it was a bit of a shock. Well, sure it was! For both of you!

Given that, I can't think of a better example of a willingness to be open and honest in the extreme!

our best!
tina

I am definitely letting go of the sense of violation.

This more has to do with the timing... How many people share the most intimate fantasies and wildest sexual escapades within two months of meeting someone?? Judging by what I've read here, virtually no one.


We had been sharing slowly and steadily and telling her that I post here was another step in that progression. It's not just about my openness, it's about her ability/willingness to digest some of this.

For example, when I first told her about my CDing I told her I would show her pictures when and if she was ready. That was about honoring her own process rather than me shoving something down her throat. It took about a week then she asked to see them; we sat down together at my computer and I showed her one; she wanted to see more and I ended up sharing about a dozen.

More time was needed to process that, but she was soon relatively fine with that. Then, we started to talk more openly and even explored fantasies around my dressing, as I mentioned earlier.

Telling her that I post here (and elsewhere under this screenname) was just something else I mentioned and frankly, I wasn't ready for her to see this stuff yet and she clearly wasn't either, hence her reaction.


And by the way, I HAVE been talking to her (both through email and the phone) all the way along. Just posting here to try and gain some perspective.

And despite some of the rather harsh comments, I'm glad I shared.

I have to admit, it took more than 4 months before I really came forward with this part of me.

I think you should be applauded for having the courage to reveal as much as you have...and really you don't have any choice now but to work through the consequences. I really hope it works out for you Jenny!

I told her about my CDing about a month in; five weeks tops. I offered to show her photos right away, but honored her wishes to wait and see.

Same way with dressing. At one point she said "I'd like to try it" but even then I said, we'll see. As stated, I'm not sure if I even want to dress with her.

I also told her in pretty good detail about being with a few dominatrixes and a couple of women that were specifically attracted to CDers. This was the whole point of the old personal ads she found. Initially I thought I wanted to exlore experiences with men but then realized that wasn't my thing.

I also immiediately told her she could talk to a friend about this, as she needed to process the news.

I shared ALL of this and more in less than five weeks of first dating. I've told her things I have never told anyone else.


I shouldn't have shared my screenname it just came out as we were talking and I didn't think of the consequences. I would have told her eventually but even more than timing, as with everything else she discovered I wanted to do that together.

I still don't like that she went out on her own when I had been very open very early and also willing to share what I had posted. I didn't tell her she couldn't -- that's not my place -- but her doing so seemed to violate the spirit of sharing that we had established.

But I do understand where she was coming from and it's definitely not a bad place.


I do feel very strongly about snooping, however. When you purposely go out searching for something instead of talking to your partner, you are already demonstrating distrust. And not much good can come of that.

There is the concept of 'can' vs. 'should'. Yes, she CAN search for things but should she? I CAN pick up her cell phone and see who has been texting and calling, but I know that I shouldn't.

Not if I want to have trust in our relationship.

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

I disagree, one can not be violated when one posts in an open forum for the whole world to see. Even if the username wasn't given, the g/f could have easily found this board, found her posts by recognising her in her picture.

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You misssed my point. I said she could FEEL violated if she wanted to. It's her feelings. I don't believe ANYONE has a right to dictate how another should feel. Just because it may not make sense is no reason to discount how people feel. Remeber, perception is reality. After reflection, her attitude may change.

If you use that logic, then SOs should not be upset. It's just clothes.

Wow! What an amazing little adventure (not quite the right word, but you get the idea).

I'd feel violated only to the extent that there was a vastly asymetrical level of disclosure -- you gave her a 10 year tape recording of your deepest thoughts and fantasies, and she's told you what she feels like telling you for now.

One good thing to come out is that this is a good character test for the both of you -- both of your issues with trust and violation are being tested to the max right now, before there are kids in the picture :).

When I post online I try to ensure that what I write won't embarass me or hurt others. I gave my wife my ID here when I first joined, and I have no idea if she's read my postings, but I don't have anything to hide from her.

Good Luck. If you survive this test, I would think it's a good omen.

-- Diane

I've been rereading the responses and the one thing that comes through to me loud and clear is that we are all very impressed with both you and her! To be working through all this very personal material so soon in a relationship, and working it through at such a mature level is inspirational, truly. The fact that you've hit a bit of a bump in the road is, frankly, to be expected, especially at this intense speed.

Personal space in a relationship is probably the most difficult set of agreements that two people make, and usually it's done experientially, not verbally. Each person has different expectations and tolerance levels, much of it born on the back of a lifetime of experiences. Is it any wonder that this needs talking and constant work? It's come to a head just now, but we all hope you can both keep going through this to an even more successful and fulfilling relationship.

tina

It is unfortunate the troubles you are now in, however you put it all on the line. A woman by nature is very curious. You told her the sites and your online name, you had to expect that she would go looking. Unfortunately she did it with a vengence. If you have feelings for her then you will have to work it out together. It is still better now than later on in the relationship.

The reallity of today's world is that if you have posted something somewhere, it may turn up in places that you never expected. Many UTUBE and Facebook users are learning this the hard way.

Thought some of you might be interested in an update.

We spent last night together and it was hard to talk through some of this but when we parted this morning we both felt infinitely better.

We decided to look through my posts here and some of the other stuff on the Internet together; this weekend when we'll have the time to sit down and go over what she saw, how she felt, etc. I'm actually looking forward to it because I know it will go a long way towards putting this behind and and moving forward again.

We both agree that although we have more work to do around all this, that we were both optimistic about getting through it. I think we both can see coming out the other side... And I think that's largely based on having worked through some touchy areas in the past, and always ending up closer because of it.

She also said she wants to read posts on the SO board here and may want to post as well. Of course, I'd be fine with that, so we'll probably read through some of those threads together and then she can do/post what she wants and I've already told her she doesn't need to tell me if she decides to do so. She may post anonymously rather than as my girlfriend.


I really do appreciate the feedback I received and it helped greatly to fully express myself before she and I got together. I made (and will continue to make) a very conscious effort to stow my hurt feelings and any sense of violation, which has for the most part largely passed anyway.

And for anyone that thought I was sharing things that were too personal about myself, us and her... She said she was completely fine with everything I have shared and is happy it is helping me help us.

Well done Jenny, good to hear everything is being worked out.

Thanks so much for the update, Jenny. I'm glad to hear that last conversation went well and your seem to be moving forward together.

Sometimes the great thing about joining a discussion late is that there's the possibility that a problem has been resolved by the time you get there. I'm glad to hear that the two of you are working thinkgs out.

Wendy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MalibuJenny

And for anyone that thought I was sharing things that were too personal about myself, us and her... She said she was completely fine with everything I have shared and is happy it is helping me help us.

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Yes but did you actually tell her the part that was removed that you shared? Because, as it reads now, she has no way of knowing what you did share, which imho was too personal to share with the whole forum.

Yes, Tamara, I specifically told her what I wrote (and what you had deleted) and she was fine about it, just as I knew she would be.

So if she's ok with you posting about her sex life here, why are you so pissed at her looking you up online? If you can post intimate details about her here, but then feel violated because she's looked at other stuff you've written, don't you think that's a bit pot/kettle/black? She's willing to share everything, but you're not?

I'm no longer 'pissed' or feel violated, as I posted previously.

And besides a big difference is I told her about what I posted which is how I came to reveal my screenname in the first place, then told her I was going to post this long thread. I later shared more detail about I wrote here and this weekend (if not before) when we have more time we will sit down together and read the whole thread, including the part you deleted.

She loved my first thread that referenced her -- the one where I talked about our sex life. I knew she would, which is why I shared it with her in the first place.

My original issue was that she went searching instead of talking to me about it. But I'm over that now.

I hope you two can work through all of that! It sounds as though you've been very honest and upfront with her from the get-go, so that's a very good sign! Just keep up the honesty and you two will probably become even closer!

Just follow the golden rule, if you wouldn't show her what you write, then it probably shouldn't be written. The stuff you wrote in the past probably should have been left alone, if I saw my wife had "active" profiles I'd be concerned to. No reason to hide your past from her, if you've been honest.

I had honestly forgotten those old profiles were out there... Ah, the miracle of Google!

Once she and I look at them together, I will completely remove them. Should have done that a long time ago but didn't even think of it.

They were only 'active' in the sense I never had deleted them.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MalibuJenny

I had honestly forgotten those old profiles were out there... Ah, the miracle of Google!

Once she and I look at them together, I will completely remove them. Should have done that a long time ago but didn't even think of it.

They were only 'active' in the sense I never had deleted them.

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True, but I mean they appeared active because you changed your orientation on them.... I'm sure going over them as a couple will definitely help to alleviate her fears. :)