Why are we so afraid of being thought of as Gay?

I have been reading a few threads over the past couple of days. I cant help but notice the prevailing homophobic attitudes. Not bigotry mind you please do not take this the wrong way. It seems that many in our community cant make any type of comment on any thing without working into the post "I am not gay".

Now I understand that most who crossdress are not. I understand when coming out to someone, anyone the question comes up and needs an answer. I get that and have been there.

If you are out and living your life even part time. Interacting with friends, salespeople, waiters, and such or anybody else for that matter. You must have gotten over the o my God what are people going to think attitude, Yes? Or even here on the form. Is it really important to spout of " I am not Gay" every other sentence?

I was recently hanging out with some friends of mine who happen to be Gay and the conversation came up about why Gay folk don't really care for Heterosexual Male to Female crossdressers. The answer " They are always going on about not being Gay. I understand that they are not but it gets kind of tiring hearing it, and sometimes it is offensive! If they were really comfortable with themselves they wouldn't need to broadcast it all over the place" When I asked if that was his only reason said "for me that is real pet peeve"

I should tell you a little about myself for those who don't know me. I am one hundred percent out. I identify as Queer\Gender queer \ and Trans gender. i am happily married and not unfaithful. But find men attractive and swoon over the respectful attention of gentlemen. Just a little back round about me.

I don't want to come off as attacking anybody or any thing like that. If you can walk into a room full of people in a dress does it really matter what they think?

Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.

I too would question why anyone would need to clarify that they are not gay unless perhaps a gay individual is making a pass at them and even then, a simple, "sorry, I am not interested" would be suffice.

Do we go around proclaiming we are not this or that, or my breasts are real not fake, etc. I agree that if we are comfortable in who we are, why do we have to clarify ANYTHING about what we are or are not?

I think it is called "self-esteem," and being confident and comfortable in who you are.

I don't go arount spouting off I'm not gay but I've had to assure my wife of that for the simple reason that men who dress as women in movies etc ie:The birdcage, Prescilla Queen of the desert and on and on are portrayed as gay transvestites or gay transexuals looking for men and that is what a lot of people think we are.Most of us aren't and if you are fine but who wants a label that don't fit.No disrespect to gays is intended when we clarify the misconception that just because I dress as a women I must be gay.I know a lot of straight TG and TS girls.

Daphne, thanks for an excellent posting and one that is really important for discussion. Sexual preference and gender identification are separate things. I identify as female. My sexual preference happens to be for females. The two are unrelated. Yes, we need to reassure SOs of our sexual preference when coming out of the closet, but other than that, the "but I'm not gay" statements just sound offensive. I think adding that qualification in conversation is an indication of insecurity.

hi Daphne Grey . you are so right when you look at the world and see the big picture being gay or crossdressing it is not that important as long as you are HAPPY .
wow i am writeing to you in i think in the USA love deanna . :love:

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Originally Posted by Amanda22

Daphne, thanks for an excellent posting and one that is really important for discussion. Sexual preference and gender identification are separate things. I identify as female. My sexual preference happens to be for females. The two are unrelated. Yes, we need to reassure SOs of our sexual preference when coming out of the closet, but other than that, the "but I'm not gay" statements just sound offensive. I think adding that qualification in conversation is an indication of insecurity.

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Amanda has hit my thoughts on the nose. We spend a lot of our time and energy defining ourselves by what we are not rather than what we are. The GLB movement made it's best progress when they began defining themselves as normal people who just happen to have a same sex attraction. We have not made that step yet and spend a lot of time on the defense saying, I'm not Gay, I don't want to become a woman, I'm not a drag queen, I'm not like Norman Bates, etc., etc., etc.,

Perhaps if your thread was entitled "Why are we so afraid of being wrongly stereotyped" then you might have answered your own question :)

I can't say that I've noticed the issue as you describe it but like just about every other married crossdresser I've been asked point blank by my wife if I was Gay and related the conversation on this forum. I can most relate to those posters whose circumstances are most similar to mine so I'm OK with people stating whether they are married/single gay/straight/bi/retired/still-deciding or whatever.

Have the comments you have seen been perjorative against the Gay posters or 'bashing' them in any way? Because I'd agree with you that that should be dealt with immediately.

I don't think that you can criticise people for stating which particular crossdressing pigeonhole they fit in when you yourself have told us which boxes you would tick on your CD application form :D And that isn't a criticism of you, it simply illustrates the fact that we all have a view of which pigeonhole we fit in so-to-speak and we tend to correct people if they make a mistaken assumption.

Finally - and before this morphs into a Seinfeld episode (Not that there's anything wrong with that) isn't your friends comment about hetersexual CDers "They are always going on about not being Gay" a sweeping generalisation? I would have thought that the Gay community has spent too long fighting against stereotyping to resort to using it?

Zoe

It's RIDICULOUSLY easy to understand:

1. Many, many crossdressers are married to women.
2. Many, many crossdressers married to women are bisexual (or at least have thoughts that way)
3. Unlike your situation, most people genuinuely believe in 2010 that there is no such thing as a male bisexual. They see it as a stepping stone in coming to terms with one's latent homosexuality.
4. It is also well-known that, unlike men who generally like women who are bisexual, women find it pretty much the ultimate turn-off, and the vast majority on a primal level will never be with a man like that.
5. Also, there is still a rather common belief that anyone who is bisexual is promiscuous.
6. Therefore, they must deny anything that can be interpreted as an indication of homosexuality, since it threatens their marriage.

Look, I do understand you've got a lovely understanding wife, but you're the exception to the rule. You will find that most open crossdressers who are not in a relationship tend to not care if they're being called or presumed gay or not.

And finally, I know it will freak a whole lot of people out when I say this, but it's most often the loudest people that are the ones the most in denial. It's like the anti-gay politicans who are found in gay bars. Someone who is 1000%, girls-only and just cross-dresses for kicks won't even have the whole "gay or not gay" thing on their mind. But, if someone is struggling with the idea, they're going to be projecting that struggle everywhere, since they're really telling THEMSELVES that "I'm not gay... (sure, right????)" when they're tellng it to everyone around them.

But, back to the point, I believe there's a lot more bisexual people out there than people believe, especially in this community, and I also believe it IS possible (at one time in history, this wasn't a crazy thought) for a man to be bisexual, contrary to popular belief. I do believe a lot of women's husband's here are rightfully concerned of their marriage due to this popular belief that a man cannot be bisexual, so they have to defend it. So, maybe your wife should start talking to more wives about this, and then you won't hear people defending themselves so much.

Personally I end up saying I'm not gay, simply because that's one of the first questions asked of me when someone learns I'm a transvestite. It's a common stereotype that most crossdressers are gay (a stereotype that really makes no sense to me), so it's usually just a case of trying to dispel a stereotype about crossdressers. If I'm not asked about my sexual orientation, I don't tell.

For the same reason I don't like being called Japanese. Or why I don't like being called Itallian. How about being called a girl? Or being called a cat?

I don't like being called gay because, I am not gay.

If I were not Goth, would I want to be called such?

If I were gay, then I would not want to be called hetero.

I hope this simple explanation helps you understand that most of us are far from homophobic. Perhaps we are stereophobic (new word:P)

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Originally Posted by Pythos

I hope this simple explanation helps you understand that most of us are far from homophobic. Perhaps we are stereophobic (new word:P)

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"Stereophobic" Why would you not like two channel music ?? LOL

You know, I think that in an intimate conversation with your SO or someone else, it is one thing - you want to be honest and clear what your sexual preference is. I think generally speaking, and I believe that is what the OP is asking, is why the denial?

I think that most CD'ers are "indoctrinated" as children when they first start to grasp these feelings that the desire to crossdress, or any other gender confusion means that you MUST be gay. I don't think that most of us at that age can separate the two ourselves. I mean that is what you are being told, the only media portrayals of men dressed as women are drag queens (or psychopaths), etc. Being bombarded with this misinformation I think we all question our sexual preference around this time. Frankly, I think it takes a very long time before we start to "get" that there is a difference between sexual preference and gender identity. Even now I think that is the general assumption outside of the TG community. Once we finally figure out who we are, assuming we are not homosexual, I think that the "I'm not gay" kneejerk reaction still exists. I think as we all get more comfortable in our own skin, this will go away.

With that said, I can see how the LGB community would find it offensive and I won't go there unless it is directly on point. The denial can be taken that there is something wrong with "being gay." We need more unity between our communities and we should be sensitive to even slight offenses. I have no idea what it is like to be homosexual but I do know what it is like to be a small child with the weight of the world on your shoulders. We should build from our common experiences. :2c:

When I recently went hair shopping, I was asked if I was gay. My answer to her was, as a lesbian I would love to bite you on your butt. She really liked that!

I told the sales woman I was a cd. She said that until I spoke, she thought I was one really tall woman.

When I asked how many CDs came in dressed, she said, I was one of the very very few. She added that she sell a lot of wigs to men. She is always told that they buy them for their girl friend/wives.

Like Pythos says:

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Originally Posted by Pythos

-------I hope this simple explanation helps you understand that most of us are far from homophobic. Perhaps we are stereophobic (new word:P)

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All blacks can dance and play basketball!

All Hispanics work is manual labor!

All Asians drive badly!

All Canadians say, "Eh"!

Do U think ANY of these folks likes these stereotypes? Then, why should CDs like being thot of as gay? :brolleyes:

Personally, if folks think I'm gay because I dress, that's FINE! Better than being thot of as some sort of creepy perv!:doh:

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Originally Posted by Pythos

For the same reason I don't like being called Japanese. Or why I don't like being called Itallian. How about being called a girl? Or being called a cat?

I don't like being called gay because, I am not gay.

If I were not Goth, would I want to be called such?

If I were gay, then I would not want to be called hetero.

I hope this simple explanation helps you understand that most of us are far from homophobic. Perhaps we are stereophobic (new word:P)

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I perceive the seeds of a great comedy sketch here ... along the lines of ... A journalist is questioning a male MP here in NZ.

"Mr C, I believe you bought an expensive pair of Italian women's classic pumps whilst you were in London recently at the tax payers' expense."

C: "I paid for the trip and the shoes myself, they were cheap Chinese running shoes, and I bought them for my partner, Peter. Now leave me alone. You are only picking on me because I am gay."

Mr C does not wish to be perceived as one who squanders large sums of other people's money, nor as a crossdresser, but plays the "I am gay" card to deflect personal criticism.

This harks back to a thread I started recently. It's OK to be gay, but not OK to be a crossdresser.

No clue. I like manwiches so I have no idea aside from crossdressing does not instantly mean you are not some homophobic bigot?

I don't think I've ever needed to assert that I wasn't gay, apart from to my wife.

I feel I should also add that I'm not gay. Mind you I do have some serious doubts about some of the men I've slept with

I am not....really going to get too deep in this as it has been discussed many time before here. My biggest issue with CD's spouting "I am not gay" is that they then wonder why the gay community won't help them out.

Saying "I am not gay" is appropriate when you are asked if you are and if you want to date or if your doctor needs to know. Telling people at a restaurant isn't.

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Originally Posted by DaphneGrey

I was recently hanging out with some friends of mine who happen to be Gay and the conversation came up about why Gay folk don't really care for Heterosexual Male to Female crossdressers. The answer " They are always going on about not being Gay. I understand that they are not but it gets kind of tiring hearing it, and sometimes it is offensive! If they were really comfortable with themselves they wouldn't need to broadcast it all over the place" When I asked if that was his only reason said "for me that is real pet peeve"

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Well if this isn't just so...hypocritical. Somewhere along the line these people told everyone they knew they WERE gay. And I know a good many who broadcast it at every chance. We all don't go around wearing our preference on our sleeves just as many gays don't but this seems sort of elitist. You already said your friends were gay, so either they told you or you are guessing. Now repeating this over and over is annoying and one would wonder if when this happened to them it was more a reinforcement meant for the speaker to convince themselves they really weren't gay.

:sb: education. Maybe repeating we are not gay will someday convince the world...we are not all gay.

Daphne, I have also wondered the same thing. Why does someone feel the need to say that "I am not gay." when no one brought up that subject. I can clearly understand the need to say that when directly asked . or when someone implies that you are gay. Then it is a simple clarification to the true facts. I really don't care what someone calls me as long as they don't call me "Surley"! (or is that Shirley?) I think it just may have something to do with one's own insecurity of who they are and how comfortable or not they are with themselves.

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Originally Posted by DaphneGrey

You must have gotten over the o my God what are people going to think attitude, Yes? Or even here on the form. Is it really important to spout of " I am not Gay" every other sentence?

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I guess people say it here to give context to what they are saying. We are all giving our experiences from different perspectives. I DO want to know the sexual identity of people so I know how I relate to what they are saying and what it means to me. I understand why people might by coy.

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Originally Posted by DaphneGrey

The answer " They are always going on about not being Gay. I understand that they are not but it gets kind of tiring hearing it, and sometimes it is offensive! If they were really comfortable with themselves they wouldn't need to broadcast it all over the place"

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Yeah I completely understand that's annoying to hear that from crossdressers. But think of the context of a straight crossdresser and gay people together. Probably in a gay club. It maybe trans friendly but its a gay context and the cd is doing something that society (including much of the LGBT community) considers gay.

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Originally Posted by Sophie_C

4. It is also well-known that, unlike men who generally like women who are bisexual, women find it pretty much the ultimate turn-off, and the vast majority on a primal level will never be with a man like that.

You will find that most open crossdressers who are not in a relationship tend to not care if they're being called or presumed gay or not.

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These two points are in conflict. The first I agree with. The second relates to bisexual and gay crossdressers. You can't say women care deeply if a man sleeps with men and then say a het crossdresser doesn't care.

But I agree with your other points. I think the OP is perhaps clouded in their understanding by having such an accepting wife. But I might be wrong.

I have often used the phrase "My dad says [I don't care if you're gay....just don't wear a dress]. the problem is I'm straight"....which is true.

I actually used this phrase on my guy fb page, with a photo of me. This is/was my attempt to clear the air that transgenderism and sexual preference are mutually exclusive. The average Joe or Jane does not know this.

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Originally Posted by debsuk

i don't think i've ever needed to assert that i wasn't gay, apart from to my wife.

I feel i should also add that i'm not gay. Mind you i do have some serious doubts about some of the men i've slept with

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lol!! Best. Post. Ever!!!

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Originally Posted by DebsUK

I feel I should also add that I'm not gay. Mind you I do have some serious doubts about some of the men I've slept with

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:lol::rofl::roflmao:

Based on associating in person with a very large number of "heterosexual" CD's in my lifetime, I feel that many CD's make a big fuss over being NOT gay to impress SO's, some make a fuss about being straight in an effort to fool themselves.

I fully agree with Sophie C that many (IMO, maybe most) CD's are bisexual, at least in their desires if not actions, and I think that a lot of us have difficulty accepting that in ourselves, so some loudly proclaim to everyone that they are not gay while hiding the fact that they would really like to be sexual with other males.

I've been called gay plenty of times, including by people yelling "faggot" from passing cars a few times. It doesn't hurt, and it's never bothered me, other than to be concerned about the idiots in the car possibly stopping and trying to damage me physically.

Carol

I believe the Movie Just like a Woman portrays a cross dresser who is not gay.
Generally I don't worry about what people think

Do I have to have a label ?- I like to have sex with some women sometimes. I like to have sex with some men sometimes. I like to dress and feel feminine some times.
Is that ok to leave it at that ?

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Originally Posted by Sophie_C

4. It is also well-known that, unlike men who generally like women who are bisexual, women find it pretty much the ultimate turn-off, and the vast majority on a primal level will never be with a man like that.

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I have to disagree with your statement about women being turned off by bi guys. If you are unaware, there are communities of (mostly) females who love gay and bisexual men and write stories and make art about them. This genre is called "slash" and in Japan is known as "yaoi" or "boys love" and is extremely popular, particularly among Japanese animation fans. Kirk/Spock is the fictional pairing that is considered to have started slash, back when the original Star Trek was on.

Fans of this genre have many websites dedicated to their interest in creating pairings out of fictional characters (from tv, books, movies, etc) and even from real people like actors. There are also many books and comics about these gay and bisexual men. As a GG who loves slash and yaoi, I should know, because I have a sizable collection of Japanese yaoi comics! In the US, there is even an annual convention dedicated solely to yaoi. Japan has similar events and I'm pretty sure some other countries do as well.

Yaoi has grown significantly in popularity, as more comic artists and writers from all over the world release their own books about gay and bisexual men. When I first got into it 10 years ago, there was not as much information or published material, but I feel it's safe to say that has multiplied ten-fold in America. Look in the comics and manga (Japanese comics) section of any bookstore. There are hundreds of comics labeled yaoi or boys love, many sealed in plastic wrap!

It might not be a totally mainstream opinion, but there are many, many women who are interested in or obsessed with romantic and sexual relationships between men.

People think I am gay and you know they are right:)

i'm so gay and don't care who know's it and i'm Canadian "Eh"!

I am not "afraid" that I might be thought of as gay at all. I have some great friends who are, and I know I am not. However, some of our CD community are, as you would expect statistically, and so I don't see any problem when the situation suggests it of stating my sexual preferences.

For those who are not CD, and definately for our SOs, there is a concern out there that being CD means you are gay. When we clearly are not, I see no problem with saying so. If I were gay, I would happily proclaim so - I suspect that my wife would rather I were gay rather than a hetero CD!

It is a sad state of affairs where, in a situation where the boundaries can be blurred, to state that "I am not gay" is seen as homophobic. To take the oint about positive verus negative statements, maybe we should say "I am heterosexual" instead. I happen not to like seafood that much... When faced with a choice of seafood in a restaurant, I will quite easily say "I am afraid I don't like seafood". It is a statement of fact... maybe, in order not to offend those who like seafood and who may be offended by people coming out in the open so forcefully on such an issue, I should say "actually I like a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k...etc.." and just omit "seafood"... I suspect I would then get asked... "and how about seafood?".

For the record... I am not gay. I just like dressing up as and impersonating women. I like to experience as closely as I can what it would be like to be a woman (and yes, if I could do childbirth that would be good too). I also like me being a guy who is very turned on by women. I have no desire to have surgery to transition fully, though I understand why people do. I am not gay, though I understand those that are. I am just me... and trying to figure out who "me" is requires me to make statements and question things...

I am not afraid to be thought of as gay... but others could be afraid, or at least be concerned, that I were.

So... I am not "not gay". I am heterosexual... I like to have sexual relationships with women and I am not sexually attracted towards men...

But then when fully in Kaz mode it gets more complicated!

I think that is a good explaination as to why some of us would and do try to point out that we are not gay.

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Originally Posted by ela_loves_yaoi

It might not be a totally mainstream opinion, but there are many, many women who are interested in or obsessed with romantic and sexual relationships between men.

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And I suspect , there are a lot of guys who like lesbian movies, but probably wouldn't admit it. I don't watch gay movies, they don't interest me in the least, but I do like a good lesbian movie. "Bound" and "Imagine me and you" are too very opposite and good films, one a crime film, one a coming out , feel good movie.
Pehaps the time will come when there are "crossdressing clubs" just there are gay clubs and then CDs will have a place to go and not have to worry about labels and perhaps not feeling at ease in the gay/lesbian clubs.
Where are the wealthy crossdressers to starts some clubs? Maybe a government grant? A novel idea instead of studying horney toads, eh?

There was a time when I worried about this. And to be sure, some people thought it. Then I had a stunning revelation: what other people think of me has no bearing on my life. I know, right?

People make judgments about other people every single day. You see people in the grocery store or the mall or the stadium, and thoughts pop into your head. Does it really matter to them what you think? Of course it doesn't.

So why all the fear about the opinions of people who simply don't matter to you anyway?

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Originally Posted by busker

And I suspect , there are a lot of guys who like lesbian movies, but probably wouldn't admit it. I don't watch gay movies, they don't interest me in the least, but I do like a good lesbian movie.

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I'm not sure what makes 2 women any less homosexual than 2 men, really. Lesbian flicks ARE gay porn. You watch gay porn, and refuse to admit it. Far be it from me, of course, to suggest there's anything wrong with that! :D


I do think far more people are bi-curious than will ever admit to it, however. A perusal of tranny pages on Flickr, for example, will quickly disabuse anyone of the notion that "95% of trannies are straight." ;)

A lot of people still believe heterosexuality is the norm, even when presenting yourself as the opposite sex. Which is funny, because I will be transitioning from a Gay Male to a Straight Female. For the first time in my life, I will be considered heterosexual. I just have to change genders to do it.

And once again, I watch where the thread will lead to answer the OP.. and I still find myself wondering why it is considered 'homophobic' to say "Im not gay". So when the lyrics are sang "I a woman, hear me roar" is really saying "I'm manophobic"?????

I had to tell my 25 yr daughter about this thread earlier because its similiar to what her sister and I had to deal with. It seemed that no matter the topic or if she started the topic, my 25 yr old would make a comment "well I'm bi and....." "I don't see it that way cuz I'm bi..." So it wasn't surprising that both my youngest and I had to tell her "enough..enough..we get it..your bi..we don't need to be reminded 24/7 or have it stated to justify something" We didn't see anything wrong with her being bi, but come on..it does not fit into all conversations..

Now how does that fit into this thread..well it doesn't.. but I have to point out that she was just stating who she is..bi..

Some of these threads begin with certain 'given' stipulations..and if you try to answer without additional info, you give the wrong impression of yourself. So yes, sometimes its appropriate to state "I'm straight", "I'm bi", or "I'm not gay". Its not being said in a homophobic manner.. are there homophobics amongst us???? yes.. but as all things, especially here..don't mix us all up in one bowl.

I asked a 'straight' cd what she thought of one of my pics...her response "I'm straight so I don't know"...now go figure that one..I wasn't asking her if she found me sexy...just her opinion of my looks.. So in a way, I understand there are some folks like that, but I would never group them as whole.

If for some reason I felt a need to clarify that I"m bi, I would..and if that meant "I'm not gay" had to be said, then I would..and homophobic is not the thought.. I take it in the same manner that I clarify I'm Hispanic..when its needed..otherwise, I'm just a person from the great state of Texas :D

And just because I desire men as much as I desire women, does not make me gay..it makes me bi.. and dang proud.. :heehee:

Nobody has to justify their sexuality to anyone.we are what we are! I'm gay by the way lol :)

I f I was gay I wouldn't care if I was called gay cause I am who I am..But I am not and I cannot stand to be called something I am not..Like being called a liar, cheat, snart,stupid, normal ..You get the point..Its not whats stocked its how its stocked when I cash a check I want to stand by it..

Most crossdressers love men or at least have fantasies about being with a handsome man that will hold her, protect her and make her feel petite feminine and girly. CDs are women born with mens bodies. It takes time for them to accept their attraction towards men just as it takes time for them to have the confidence to go out en femme. Men love to see a CD in stockings and heels and spoil her

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Originally Posted by Pythos

How about being called a girl? (:P)

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Please do! I love being called a girl or woman or ma'am or miss
Just don't call me dude. I HATE that!

I guess its because some of us just don't understand something about our own sexuality that makes us confused and scared about being thought of as gay, because really some of us don't know.
and besides no offense to anyone but in my opinion a heterosexual male to female crossdressers is like saying "a fighter jet with no weapons" which is possible but then again you are like "what?" Yes a lot of us are straight mtf and ftm but i personally believe that there are more bi and gay mtf and ftm.

We either comfortable with who we are or not, "labels" notwithstanding.:)

Why be divisive.

I generally just don't worry about what people think. I was always taught by my parents and again in therapy years ago that if someone was to think something about me and call me a name or whatever that they must be see that in themself or else they could not identify it.

At for the gay and CD cummunity. I really think the wise thing to do is to support and see the positive things in each others cummunity. Lets face it we are both a minority. If one of us drops the ball and gets negative it hurts us all. When we bind together, we will all be stronger and the closer we come to acceptence.

About myself, well I here, I am a CD, and I'm straight. I love the feel of womens cloths on me.

I'm me a CD and I don't worry about the other persons opion unless I think it's going to get physical, so far never happened.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

I am not....really going to get too deep in this as it has been discussed many time before here. My biggest issue with CD's spouting "I am not gay" is that they then wonder why the gay community won't help them out.

Saying "I am not gay" is appropriate when you are asked if you are and if you want to date or if your doctor needs to know. Telling people at a restaurant isn't.



Well if this isn't just so...hypocritical. Somewhere along the line these people told everyone they knew they WERE gay. And I know a good many who broadcast it at every chance. We all don't go around wearing our preference on our sleeves just as many gays don't but this seems sort of elitist. You already said your friends were gay, so either they told you or you are guessing. Now repeating this over and over is annoying and one would wonder if when this happened to them it was more a reinforcement meant for the speaker to convince themselves they really weren't gay.

:sb: education. Maybe repeating we are not gay will someday convince the world...we are not all gay.

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Yes at one point in thier lives they told people they were Gay. They never told me I just figured it out in getting to know them. What they diddn't do was declare their sexuallity by saying "I am not Straight" My point is this. If Heterosexual Crossdressers would declare their sexuality (if they felt the need to) By saying something like Gender and Sexuality are seperate and I happen to be Straight. I doubt there would be an Issue.

The prevailing statement is I\we are not Gay the difference is very subtle but very powerful.

As far as the friend I was refering to. He is a wig maker and stylist and has many Crossdressers as clients. He was speaking from personal experience. not being the type to declare wis sexuality you can imagine why he would get upset. "thanks for the wig and all the help and safe nonjudgemental enviornment..... Just so you know I am \ we are not Gay!" In other words not like you because it would be terrible if people thought that.

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Originally Posted by Zoe Preston

Perhaps if your thread was entitled "Why are we so afraid of being wrongly stereotyped" then you might have answered your own question :)

I can't say that I've noticed the issue as you describe it but like just about every other married crossdresser I've been asked point blank by my wife if I was Gay and related the conversation on this forum. I can most relate to those posters whose circumstances are most similar to mine so I'm OK with people stating whether they are married/single gay/straight/bi/retired/still-deciding or whatever.

Have the comments you have seen been perjorative against the Gay posters or 'bashing' them in any way? Because I'd agree with you that that should be dealt with immediately.

I don't think that you can criticise people for stating which particular crossdressing pigeonhole they fit in when you yourself have told us which boxes you would tick on your CD application form :D And that isn't a criticism of you, it simply illustrates the fact that we all have a view of which pigeonhole we fit in so-to-speak and we tend to correct people if they make a mistaken assumption.

Finally - and before this morphs into a Seinfeld episode (Not that there's anything wrong with that) isn't your friends comment about hetersexual CDers "They are always going on about not being Gay" a sweeping generalisation? I would have thought that the Gay community has spent too long fighting against stereotyping to resort to using it?

Zoe

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To answer your question, No he wasn't making a sweeping generalization he was speaking from personal experience. He is a wig maker/stylist and has more than a couple crossdressers as clients.

Quote:

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Why does someone feel the need to say that "I am not gay." when no one brought up that subject.

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It's because most of society automatically considers us to be gay. Sure, people who are already in the vast 'gender continuum' know otherwise, but the first thing that goes through a straight woman's mind when she suddenly is surprised by seeing her SO in female clothing is, 'Is he gay?'.

I have enough trouble finding women to date (and avoiding male sexual interest), dealing with the fact that I work in a predominantly female profession, where men who work here are automatically considered gay; I don't need any further confusion on that matter.

i have not found a way to include "i am not gay" in any of my postings. (except here) i am not and do not want to be labeled as. but just like other parts of my life i keep under the radar anyhow. and i am sure many out in the world thought of me as a homosexual. and never said a word. there problem not mine.

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I'm not gay, just my boyfriend is :P

What I think is the problem with this stereo type is with dressing being out of the "social norm" (in most peoples eyes), the only reason you want to be dressed as a woman is because you want men. Many male/female couples in the world (along with male/male female/female). With the ways and understandings of most peoples ways of life, when you step back and look, it is easy to see why someone would associate a crossdresser with being gay, mainly because of the "most woman want to be with men" thought, so naturally if you dress the role of a woman, the first reaction is you are "man hunting". Now given the fact this isnt true for a good percentage of crossdressers, its a stereotype we will always have an uphill battle for.

Personally I don't care what people think of my sexuality. When asked I tell them I am attracted to the person on the inside, I like them for who they are, their warmth, compassion, etc. The gender of who this is with doesn't matter to me. Another thing that doesn't help is the lack of people standing up and speaking out on the issues openly. I'm not all saying you need to write the newspaper, tell everyone you pass, or caring a sign saying "STRAIGHT CROSSDRESSER". But if you are confidant to speak on the issue, openly discuss it. Try to make people understand what it feels like to be in the role of someone like us. To get the best understanding we have to work together and not whine about the subject, but merely openly discuss and correctively teach others that dressing has 0% bearing on sexuality. Just my opinion

My wife occasionally plays the gay card because I like to wear a dress. Occasionally insinuations in social events the subject arrives on the table, personnaly I dont not want to be in the situation that "my lady protests too much". Just because I know how to sew, make a dress cut out cloth and comment on appearance just means I have a modicum of taste. My mother was a great seemstress and made all of the clothes for me and my siblings and when my sister was not around I used to model the clothes to get the cut right.
Besides that mens dangly bits are just ugly.... ewee
I suppose that catagorizes me a just a lesbian, so in that case yes I am gay..
Kassey xxx

I think its worth pointing out the common dating advice to straight crossdressers on this site is to hide it from your potential partners presumably in case the think its gay. I understand practicality of this advice but does reinforce everyone's (including cds) expectations.

And if you fail to find an accepting female many recommend trying men.

Are crossdressers predominatly bi? I'm not so sure. Perhaps bi cds just have less to lose and more to gain in being perceived as gay? Therefore they have a higher profile online. Any thoughts?