Purging because it's easier
Hello all, long time silent partner and obvious first time poster. To make a long story short, I've been CD'ing since I was ten off and on and my wife of three years found my stash last year. She was pretty upset but understanding as well. Divorce never crossed her lips. She's been ok with me wearing panties as long as she doesn't see or know about when I do it. It's worked pretty good; however, she has used the fact I CD as ammo against me in arguments. Each time it feels horribly embarrassing and I get down on myself. I love the girl in me and I wouldn't change the femininity I feel in my veins. Yet, I don't want her to hold this over me forever and I so I've made the difficult decision to throw away my beloved panties, my sexy jeans, my oh so cute shoes and my fingernail polish collection. I've cried and will probably cry a few more times over this "death." Will this really be the end of my 19 year journey? Maybe, maybe not but it sure does feel like it.
I appreciate all the strength, courage, pride and self-acceptance I've gained from all of the members here through the stories and experiences you've shared. Thank you for letting me share my story and the little bit of therapy it provided.
Daniel (the boy formerly known as Stacey)
I apologize in advance for the long post.
First, a personal example about how one person's meaning can be misconstrued by another:
I have reproached my sons for various things while they were growing up. I behaved according to my principles, my worry for their welfare, and to be honest, my fear that they 'wouldn't turn out well'. I never felt I sounded angry when I reproached them. My style was (and still is) to explain things in the hopes they would understand the principles I was trying to teach them. I never thought they were bad kids when they did what kids do. And looking back, they likely would have turned out just the same had I not said anything about what they did. They're older now and when we revisit those past experiences, their memories are quite different than mine. They believe I yelled at them and I was displeased with THEM. (You don't know me, but believe me, I don't yell. I hate confrontations).
I know you're not a child, but I can't think of any other example to illustrate the concept that there is not one, single, objective truth.
On the one hand, your wife doesn't understand the CDing. I don't know why she doesn't. Maybe she is religious. Maybe she grew up in an environment where there wasn't much diversity. Maybe she saw some horrible movie about a crossdresser (Silence of the Lambs comes to mind), and she thinks it is some weird, vile thing to do. Maybe she has no clue how 'normal' it is, because the few examples of CDers she has seen in the media have been distortions of the truth. But, maybe despite whatever reason she is against it, she loved you enough to allow the panties even though she hated the idea. And so during any argument (if she has a quick temper not unlike many other people), her distaste came to the forefront (since she never did like the idea), and she voiced her disapproval out loud.
You, on the other hand, felt bad when she did this. Why? Is it because fundamentally you felt she was right? Might you also have believed that men shouldn't do these things? You did say you felt embarrassed. If so, I can understand why, instead of getting to the bottom of it with her, you would have said nothing and instead felt bad about yourself.
So here we have a wife who never understood the CDing and who is afraid of what it means or where it might lead, and a husband who takes it that his wife is reproaching who he is, rather than what he does. So he feels embarrassed and keeps his feelings to himself. Nothing gets talked about other than the fact the husband enjoys wearing panties, nothing gets resolved, and the wife moves forward from the argument having it reinforced that the CDing is not something that is OK to do, through the husband's tacit agreement to not get to the bottom of things (no pun intended).
I don't know if I've got it right so far and if I don't, please correct me. But if what I wrote describes your situation, then the solution is not for you to agree with your wife, by agreeing to never CD again, that she is right in continuing to think about the CDing the way she does. You instead must find a way to let your wife know what is in your heart, what it means to you.
This might take some homework on your part, some introspection. You might want to read the book, "My Husband Betty" first, and see what fits you. And then you will need to educate your wife. You will also need to get your wife to tell you exactly what her objections are, and reassure her if her beliefs are incorrect. What does she think the CDing is? Does she think it is just a sexual thing that does not involve her, or that it means you must want to be a woman, or that you might eventually be attracted to men?
If you've CDed in secret, then it could well be that your wife feels the CDing is more important to you than she is, not unlike a woman who finds out about an affair. You didn't mention anything other than your wife's objections in your post, but I wonder if your wife has felt you were hiding more than panties from her throughout the years.
I'm not saying that you are a bad person for having coped the best way you know how, given your need to CD and your wife's distaste for it. Not am I defending your wife. I'm just trying to explain what she may be thinking and feeling, so that you can develop the tools you'll need to get past this impasse.
... last thought. Or, you could just purge for now, but print this first (if I got it right) and keep it in a safe place as a reference if ever there does come a time when your urges to CD come back. And also print the posts, "How To Tell Your Wife" and "Now I Like It, Now I Don't" that are located under my signature. Not everything in those posts will fit your situation since your wife already knows, but there should be enough there to help you along.
Good luck!
