Telling others?

Okay so here's my question. I have been getting better or I should say I've started to be more open with a very few close friends about my crossdressing and sexuality. I starred telling them simply because I thought it would make me more honest with them and help lessen the burden of living a lie. I have had them ask me that question " why did you tell me?". My answer was the honesty and the lessening of the burden. But here's my question. If nobody knows then is in really lying if we keep that part of us to ourselves? What do hope to gain from coming out? Do we hope it takes our friendship to another level? My wife knows all about me and is very supportive and accepting. So why do I feel the need to burden someone else with that knowledge when it really has nothing to do with them? I'm very curious to hear everyone's thoughts.

I think that people just want to feel accepted by others. If you tell these people, and then run into them at a store or somewhere else, then it isn't an issue later. My wife knows about me, but no one else needs to know. As far as lying, if someone came up to me and asked, "are you a crossdresser" and I said no, that would be lying; which is okay with me, because they didn't need to know. It isn't any of their business.

Sabrina, as you know, I have come out to one of my sisters, and a few of my most trusted friends, as well. I can answer why I did it in one word - validation. My life needed validation. After having spent my entire life in hiding and in fear, I finally arrived at the point in my life that if I did not share this part of me with a few loved ones, that I was going to completely lose what remaining sanity I had left at the time. The experience, to say the least, was quite amazingly cathartic and absolutely necessary. Personally, I have no regrets, and fortunately it has worked out quite well.

Of course, I agree with everyone above.

With regard to the issue of "lieing", You have no obligation to tell anyone, other than your wife, about your CDing. CDing can just be something you chose to keep to yourself, your SO and the privacy of your home.

If you chose to live more openly in your home, neighborhood or work, then its inevitably going to come up. So, if a friend or neighbor were to ask why, you could explain that you were telling them so you wouldn't have to hide.

It is lying when the other person has a stake in what you do in life. This would be wives and maybe in some cases business partners.

What do I hope to gain when I come out? I hope that the person I tell will not have any change in feelings toward me. That they will know now why I have acted in some manner before that they found confusing maybe. OR that they will step back and realize that they actually KNOW someone that they just made a joke about or disparaging remark. That when they think something is funny it may actually be hurtful to someone they know, there are real people behind their ignorance (This is rare in my circle). I also hope that by letting more and more people know about me that sometime it will not be something that "we" have to feel we need to be ashamed of or that we should have to feel the need to "hide". Call it putting a face on it. That "we" are not all stupid, insipid clowns who flounce or act dumb. That we are not perverts who need to be kept away from society. That we encompass all the spectrum of sexuality. That we can be fathers, respected businesspeople, grandparents, soldiers, and maybe even President. We are not murderers with psychological problems like the movies show. We are not the creep.

The more we hide, the more the bad stereotypes can grow. It has happened withe other minorities for millennia. You don't believe those stereotypes anymore do you? You probably do have some still filtering in the back of your mind. How do we dispel these? By showing that they are not true. How can you do that when you sit and hide and when a person says something you know is wrong you don't stand up? If you don't it becomes "correct". This was proven in the 30's in Germany.

Do you not answer your own question when you ask,"..why do I feel the need to burden someone else....". Are you not saying that it is a burden? If that is the case, then you should not tell any one else to be fair to them. Is it about you or them? Hope you find a good place to be with this.
Laura

I agree on disclosing to the SO part. Funny, on this side I wasn't CDing at ALL when I met my SO. Didn't for a couple decades. She figured it out pretty fast when I started somewhat in earnest and confronted me. I didn't beat around the bush and came out. Maybe could have done it myself sooner, I don't know. We're talking weeks, not months or years. But that's not an opinion, its an experience. What is a lie? An act or omission intended to deceive, mislead an other in forming an opinion or influencing their actions. Well, that's my general def. anyways. And quite frankly, I don't feel betrayed or lied to if a woman in my life dawns some ratty sweats, beat up Levis, white cotton grannies, no bra and a t-shirt with holes and food stains, whilst drinking a cold one while watching the Final 4 or running weedwaker or hanging at the track (talk about stereotyping). I mean really - would you bat an eye at that? Or expect that person to come to you at work as say, gee, Sabrina, I think you ought to know that last weekend I bla, bla, bla. I think a lot of what I'm picking up from your post is a need to self-validate, perhaps look at your decisions from another POV, and maybe further commit. Ideal speculation, admittedly. But in any of those, or other cases, if it makes you feel more fulfilled as a human being, then yes, disclose. But unless you believe you are causing a misrepresentation that is material and substantial to the party in question, that they will rely on in acting or belief that can cause physical, emotional or financial loss, then it's a none issue to me at least. As far as taking friendship to "another level," not sure of that. I admire your guts to do it. I think anytime we clear the air its a good thing - sometimes unnecessary, but that's up to the individual. Could result in the "too much information" for some. Could separate the wheat from the chafe on the circle of friends. If someone doesn't like it, well, who need conditional friends anyway - kind of like conditional love, no? If you feel the "need to burden" then its an imposition. Think again before acting.

I just want to be open to people and live life with those who want to be around me no matter how I look.

The only person that knows that i crossdress is my wife. When i told her, she asked me if anyone else knew, the answer was and still is no. She also asked me what i would say if someone directly as me if i crossdressed? I said that i don't like lying as they usually get found out in the end. So i'd probably admit to it, i crossdress sometimes, so what!
However, i see no reason for me to go around telling people about things that have no impact on them.
Katie

Sabrina, you are so eaten up with guilt and the fear of telling even one lie.
Your life must be a real burden.
And why do you need to go around telling everybody?
Is it an underlying lack of confidence and you need others reassurance that it’s O.K. to crossdress?

Can I just say, lighten up girl!
And I mean that in a nice helpful sort of way.

SUZY

Quite a few people know about my CDing now, Sabrina.
I've had mostly surprised but neutral reactions.
It sort of seems that it's not a big thing for others... as long as they are not actively confronted with "me in a dress".
That has taken a lot of pressure off me... I used to be very afraid of what people would think, if they somehow found out. Now, I couldn't care less... I know if my CDing became common knowledge... yes, it would radically change my place in society... but I can see me coping well, if needs be, as I have no reason to be ashamed of myself.
I'm not going to push it though... just yet.
:) Gaby

In regards to others besides your SO, not telling is not lying IMHO. I've confided in people who I felt need to know in that they may see me dressed or by my telling them they may help me (ie sales people, hair stylist) be who I want to be.
Some people that I work with know, one that I felt that would be accepting, the other in that we were all going somewhere where I would be dressed and I didn't want his invte to be recinded since I would be dressed so we told him to be sure he'd be okay with it. I was asked by another common friend ( I thought my friend's mom in law outed me to her), she just said that I had an aura that she felt so she asked.
Who else I tell depends on the situation, but I feel it will be more as time progresses.

Good question. I have told past wives and that was a necessity to be fair and honest with them. I have since told several female friends and 2 past male friends. not one of them thinks any less of me or differently about me. Of course I had a really good sense of who to trust and who was open minded enough to handle it. But as someone suggested, it's probably about validation and feeling closer to those secected friends. My present SO knew from day one when she saw my profile on another alternate lifestyle site. I had pictures of both male and female mode. Needless to say she never had any issues with my being a CD. In fact, she enjoys that part of who and what I am.

If cross dressing is a small part of a man's life, then there is really no purpose of standing on a street corner wearing a dress and declaring "I am a cross dresser." My state extends protection to cross dressers in every part of day to day life. However, the right of a person to associate freely also means there is a right to not associate. There is a really great thread for model builders on going on this forum. I am a model builder. When I choose to associate with other model builders is it necessary to wear a dress even if I were to run meet the model builders of this site. I think not. I see absolutely no reason to add stress to my life or the life of love ones or to the people I engage with who may feel uncomfortable with me.

I know some very nice lesbians and gays, who just live their lives as non lesbians and gays. I did not notice them carrying a sign around their necks.

If you're transitioning from male to female that is a different situation. As an in home cross dresser, nobody else needs to know.

You feel the need to "burden" others because it is generally human nature to want to not hide something that is strong within your self. Many of us want acceptance for who we are. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you do it, you have to take the good and the bad. But I am with everyone else. It isn't a lie. It is a choice.

Hi Sabrina,

I began telling people I knew and worked with about a year ago. I was just tired of hiding it all the time. It took a burden off of me because I lived in a pretty small town and I would go out in male or female mode so it made it easier for me when I would run into them either way. Most of them were very excepting and I felt alot better just being myself and not have to worry about it. I'm glad I did it. :)

I came out tio a bunch of friends aand family by showing a couple of pics on my face book page. Great comments! A couple of laughs. Quite a few of my friends seemed to know what I was up to and said they are very accepting of me.

Is your post really about “lying”? :doh:

One of the first things I do when facing a challenge (problem) is to ask myself “Is it just me?” Most people find it amusing when I say that, because I say it in a humorous manner. But I am actually considering it seriously in my mind. I acknowledge the fact that my mind is not always my friend, :heehee:. I am not immune to cognitive distortions and other unconscious dysfunctional thinking. Perception is an interesting influencer of reality.

My next thought is “Is it that I can’t find a solution…or …that I cannot see the real problem?"

Writing my thoughts down (as you just did) often provides insight that would go undiscovered. As has already been pointed out by others here…sometimes I find that in doing so I have answered my own questions. Lol.

Works for me…sometimes, lol.

just my thoughts...distorted or otherwise...:D

:hugs:
:love:

Thank you all for wonderful advice, thoughts and comments. I have been thinking abou the lying portion and I've never really thought that I was lying to anyone. Hiding yes but not lying. I think I've read too many posts that have centered on full disclosure, and if your not then you must be lying? I font consider myself one who needs a constant reassurance, however it is nice every once in awhile. I think my choice of the word burden was actually quite a bad one. What I was trying to get across was if you do come out to someone and you ask them not to share that information with anyone else then you are adding a level of complication to their lives that would not have been there before. No one I've told has used the word burden in describing the knowledge of my revelation. I think my main goal gas been one of seeking acceptance and the possibility of forming an even stronger bond of friendship. I have so far I think accomplished that to a small degree and one that is continuing to grow. Thank you all so very much for your words. They have been very insightful and very meaningful. I knew there was a reason I love this site

Hugs
Sabrina

I don't believe there is such a thing as "lying by omission", you can't tell a lie if you don't first open your mouth. I have come out to the people I feel comfortable with because I want to be as open and honest about myself as possible. There are certain people in my life who would gain absolutely no benefit from knowing about my dressing so I have never told them. It's not a lie because I haven't said or done anything contradictory. I think telling only those you feel comfortable with would be the appropriate thing to do, if there is no need for anybody else to know, then keep it to yourself, that's not a lie.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

It is lying when the other person has a stake in what you do in life. This would be wives and maybe in some cases business partners.

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I completely agree with this as it doesn't matter to anyone else. Several years ago, a co-worker that I almost never interacted with, asked me if I was a biker or crossdresser because of my long hair. I told her neither, because it was none of her business. She is a biker chick, so I don't think that she would have been someone I would come out to anyway. I've had a couple of people comment on my hair, and I usually just ask them if it matters to them.

My thoughts on telling others would depend on the person I want to tell. I have told many female friends of my crossdressing and enjoyment for wearing women's clothes. I told none of them right away, but waited a little while and got to know their personality and how much I could trust them. If I felt I could trust them then I would share my secret with them, I never lied to them I just came out with the truth and almost all of them have been open and understanding with it and we even enjoyed it, there was some girl friends that really had fun with letting me put on their clothes and do my makeup and such.
As far as hiding anything from significant others, yes there was a few things I had hidden from my ex wife. She did know I liked to dress, and she had no problems with it, there were actually a few times we got me dressed and did my makeup and had sex that way, both of us wearing high heels and such. What I did hide was talking with other friends about my dressing, she told me once she didn't like me telling others about my crossdressing, which confused me because she told me that she had told a lot of her female friends about it and then months later all of a sudden she didn't want me to tell other girls? And the ones I talked to about it were ones who already knew and have known for some time. But it wasn't anything like I was hiding fantasies or talking about getting together with another woman and dressing up, we would just talk about clothes and that sort of thing.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that lying in general about your crossdressing is not a good idea to your spouse, I would want them to know in our relationship before things got real serious. But there are times where you may need to hide a little bit of info. I know if the tables were turned and I was the woman(if only lol) I would want to know about my things my boyfriend is into before we got really serious or moved in together.

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Originally Posted by Sweet Sabrina

Okay so here's my question. I have been getting better or I should say I've started to be more open with a very few close friends about my crossdressing and sexuality. I starred telling them simply because I thought it would make me more honest with them and help lessen the burden of living a lie. I have had them ask me that question " why did you tell me?". My answer was the honesty and the lessening of the burden. But here's my question. If nobody knows then is in really lying if we keep that part of us to ourselves? What do hope to gain from coming out? Do we hope it takes our friendship to another level? My wife knows all about me and is very supportive and accepting. So why do I feel the need to burden someone else with that knowledge when it really has nothing to do with them? I'm very curious to hear everyone's thoughts.

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What do we have to gain? We all have to bear our own crosses individually. I came out because I could not live with the lie any longer and for me to be able to express my feminine side whenever I wanted to without worrying about who might unexpectedly see me, I said enough was enough and just came out. They need to deal with any issues they may have; I have none. Since coming out, no more, nerves on edge, no more hiding anything, no more looking over my shoulder, no more sneeking around, no more nothing!

The easiest way for me to explain this, is to just post the letter, that I sent to family and friends...

I would like to share something with you about my life, because it is important to me that you know this.

I have only shared this with a few family and friends thus far, but I think the time has come that everyone should know this.

I am what most call “a cross dresser”, I prefer the term “androgynous”.

I am sorry for not sharing this part of my life with you sooner. For years I have thought about letting everyone know this, but, I had to learn to accept myself first. I had to learn that it is okay to be who I am. I had to think about how best to let everyone know this because I was afraid that I would lose the support of family and friends.

The reason I am choosing this time is because, by not letting everyone know, I have put my family and friends that do know, in a difficult situation, especially when they are asked questions about me, by people who do not know I am androgynous.

This is not a recent thing for me, I have been this way since as early as 8 years old, and possibly earlier.

No, I am not gay, that is usually the first wrong assumption.

No, I do not want to be a woman, nor do I even want to look like a woman. What makes me most comfortable is mixing the masculine and feminine looks to come up with my own unique look, my “Gender Expression”. This unique look matches my “Gender Identity”, how I feel about myself inside. My gender identity is not entirely male, neither is it entirely female, I feel equally both.

I am the same person you have always known, I am just being honest with you about how I feel about myself.

If you have questions about me and who or what I am, please ask me! The worst thing anyone could do is to make assumptions, or to ask someone else questions about me. I am the best source of information about myself, and as many of my friends and family will attest, I will not hesitate telling all about myself when asked.

Sabrina this one sounds like a personal choice unless you have an SO. The SO needs to know and have a voice in who you should tell. In my case only we know, and one GG friend of mine, that's it.

It needs to be well thought out beforehand before telling anyone as far as I'm concerned.

I think you want to be accepted for who you are with everyone, i am the same way, i do not broadcast it but lots of people know and most i have told, its a secret i wanted out because i had been in the closet too long and had been told too many times it wasnt right for me to want to dress, but you know what, it is ok, everyone should be able to wear what they feel comfortable in, i feel more like me in a dress and heels,

This forum and my friends here are the first people I have ever told about my cding. After hiding in complete privacy for so many years I have found a supportive atmosphere online. In the outside world I have nothing to gain from telling others other than shame and banishment. Society is changing but I doubt it ever will to my liking in my lifetime.

Sabrina when I came out to my friends it was a release for me. Because I did kinda feel like I was lying. I had to hide my true feelings about different things. I then felt I could be me and not what they expected me to be.
And life is so much funner when you can always just be you.

Kristy

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Originally Posted by Intertwined

The easiest way for me to explain this, is to just post the letter, that I sent to family and friends...

I would like to share something with you about my life, because it is important to me that you know this.

I have only shared this with a few family and friends thus far, but I think the time has come that everyone should know this.

I am what most call “a cross dresser”, I prefer the term “androgynous”.

I am sorry for not sharing this part of my life with you sooner. For years I have thought about letting everyone know this, but, I had to learn to accept myself first. I had to learn that it is okay to be who I am. I had to think about how best to let everyone know this because I was afraid that I would lose the support of family and friends.

The reason I am choosing this time is because, by not letting everyone know, I have put my family and friends that do know, in a difficult situation, especially when they are asked questions about me, by people who do not know I am androgynous.

This is not a recent thing for me, I have been this way since as early as 8 years old, and possibly earlier.

No, I am not gay, that is usually the first wrong assumption.

No, I do not want to be a woman, nor do I even want to look like a woman. What makes me most comfortable is mixing the masculine and feminine looks to come up with my own unique look, my “Gender Expression”. This unique look matches my “Gender Identity”, how I feel about myself inside. My gender identity is not entirely male, neither is it entirely female, I feel equally both.

I am the same person you have always known, I am just being honest with you about how I feel about myself.

If you have questions about me and who or what I am, please ask me! The worst thing anyone could do is to make assumptions, or to ask someone else questions about me. I am the best source of information about myself, and as many of my friends and family will attest, I will not hesitate telling all about myself when asked.

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Well done Intertwined. Please keep us posted as to how you were received, and thank you for sharing your personal letter.

You have a different obligation to your SO than to your friends. Intimacy with your SO makes it a lie if you do not tell them. With your friends,it's just another element that they do not know. There is no way even your closest friend knows everything about you.

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Originally Posted by Sweet Sabrina

If nobody knows then is in really lying if we keep that part of us to ourselves? What do hope to gain from coming out?

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Well, lying is if you're intentionally not telling the truth. Secrets aren't lies.

I think we hope to gain acceptance when we tell our friends and family. I wanted to tell my friends when they mentioned to me that they viewed crossdressing as something guys feel comfortable doing, with someone else mentioning that she wanted to meet a drag queen. I don't know why I just didn't admit it right there, but oh well. In addition to that, I personally would like to tell a female friend that I know would have no problem with me dressing up because I can then have a girl to shop with me and I think I'd be comfortable hanging out with a GG while I'm Katie

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Originally Posted by Katiegal

Well, lying is if you're intentionally not telling the truth. Secrets aren't lies.

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You're going to have a difficult time convincing a lot of women about that. Not telling a woman (SO, wife, GF, whatever you want to call her) about crossdressing can be a time bomb; and the longer the fuse, the bigger the blast when it goes off. Technically, no, secrets aren't lies. But basically, you're presenting as a 'normal' man, when in actuality, in her eyes, you're anything but, when all of a sudden her masculine man is gone, replaced by a feminine one. So she's going to see you as being deceptive, hiding a very important part of yourself from her. For many, deception = lying.

The only person who knows that I dress as a woman is my wife. That will all change soon.